Chapter 9

The following week was rushed for Blaine, finding a last minute flight and finalising plans. He had to explain to bar owners why he would need to postpone gigs he had booked and the nature of his work meant that there was no such thing as holiday money but he used all of his remaining savings for the trip regardless. It felt strange to Blaine, normally so responsible with money and his heart, to be spending frivolously and with a guy he had only met a few weeks ago but it actually made him feel lighter; as if parting from Sebastian had made him younger, more carefree.

He made a point of seeing Sebastian nearly every day for coffee and Sebastian actually seemed genuine when he asked for help to look for jobs. Blaine helped in any way he could and although he had at first thought it beneath him to go for jobs on minimum wage, Sebastian ended up applying for everything that Blaine suggested. Blaine knew to keep his distance, to make it quite clear they were friends but Sebastian would sometimes look at him carefully, hope evident in his eyes. He told him he was going on holiday the following week but neglected to mention who he was travelling with and Sebastian, though disappointed Blaine wouldn't be around, assured him that he would stay sober while he was away.

Kurt on the other hand seemed to be sinking under his decision to invite Blaine along on his trip to Paris and Dave's mere presence seemed to irk him. He reminded Kurt that he wasn't perfect, that he made mistakes and Kurt could hardly bear to look at him. It was only as preparations were finally being finalised, and Kurt felt sort of ready for his trip of a lifetime, that he realised what needed to be done.

He had spent any time he had free, thinking over what he wanted, who he wanted and what he wanted to become. He could not bear the thought that he was a cheater and although he had not repeated the action the deed was still there like a dark black splodge of ink on the white paper of his life. He wanted to feel free and Dave around the apartment became a constant reminder, though he was always loving and considerate of Kurt's hectic life. Kurt felt annoyed almost constantly and it began to eat away at him.

He found himself looking at Dave from his seat on the kitchen stool as Dave prepared their dinner, the night before he was to go to Paris. Dave was oblivious to Kurt's gaze as he cut the vegetables and watched the boiling pots on the stove but Kurt looked at him carefully nonetheless. It suddenly dawned on him that he had known all along how he felt, that he was just prolonging the inevitable and although cruel perhaps it would be best to have this conversation now, the day before Kurt would go away for a week. Maybe it would give them the time they both needed to sort out their lives and priorities. Maybe Dave would understand. Maybe Kurt should just run.

As Dave's back was turned towards the hob, Kurt found himself standing and speaking, almost feeling detached from his body, like he was watching himself speaking.

"I think we need to break up Dave," he was saying. Dave obviously heard as his hand stilled, spoon in hand over the pot but he took the longest time to turn to face Kurt, needing to be sure he had heard correctly.

"What…" Dave whispered and the silence afterwards caused Kurt to leap in, without fear of the consequences, without thought to who he was hurting.

"I'm sorry I really am but I think this has been heading this way for a while and I can't go on pretending for much longer, it's killing me." He had started to ramble, feeling the words tumble out of his mouth and without taking much of a breath he carried on.

"I mean I know you love me, and I'm really sorry if I'm hurting you but I need to say this I think, it's killing me, I can't keep it to myself any longer and I just," he gulped a breath inwards, "I need you to know and I know this is rubbish timing but…" He had run out of words and Dave's sorrowful expression said all that he wanted to say in return. Dave simply sat on the stool opposite Kurt, not saying a word and looking at his hands placed on the breakfast bar in front of them.

"Dave? Say something," Kurt pleaded.

"Wow," he whispered, and after the longest pause where Kurt decided to sit again, he continued. "Why? I thought we were doing ok?" He finally looked to Kurt and his eyes were swimming. Kurt felt his heart sink in pain.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"You don't love me?" There was such hurt in Dave's eyes at the thought that this could be true, Kurt couldn't say, couldn't crush him that much.

"I don't know Dave, I've never been sure and I really don't want to be in a relationship where I'm not sure."

"I love you Kurt," he said and the knowledge seemed to crush Dave a little bit more. Kurt said nothing, could only look down.

"I think I'll stay at a hotel tonight, near the airport," he said as he stood up. Dave looked at him and nodded in understanding.

As Kurt left an hour later, with his newly packed luggage, he took once last look at Dave, still in the same position as he had left him. Despite his stature, Dave had never looked smaller and more lost and Kurt couldn't help but let a tear fall down his pale cheek as he left, feeling like the blackest ink smudge on Dave's life.

xXx

He wasn't sure what led him to that particular bar that night. He vaguely remembered that Blaine would be playing there tonight but it was also near the hotel he had booked himself into and he needed a drink. He resolutely looked down as he entered, the coldness of the air around him causing his face to tingle as he went into the warm bar. Kurt could hear the keys of the piano before he noticed who was playing.

All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air I said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer

Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Blaine had no idea who had just walked in, but Kurt came closer, almost drawn to the man at the piano, Blaine's hooded brown eyes looking at the keys in front of him. Kurt knew he was singing to him, about him, though he didn't look his way and he could feel himself going round and round, images flowing through his mind of a warm body pressed against his and lips along his neck.

It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take, it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay

As Blaine sang on he let his head rise on the longer note, his eyes closed almost in pain at the thought of Kurt staying in his life, realising he couldn't live without him. As his eyes opened, he seemed to sense that Kurt was there, was watching and his gaze alighted on Kurt's blue piercing eyes in the darkness of the bar.

Ohhh the reason I hold on
Ohhh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay, stay
I want you to stay, ohhh

His gaze had never left Kurt's but it suddenly seemed too painful to keep on watching as the song ended, his gaze dropped and Blaine felt like he'd lost a childish game of 'who could stare the longest'. He continued to play the piano, not really forming tunes that the crowd would know, merely letting his fingers fall over the keys melodiously. Kurt watched, almost mesmerised at his ability to play with his soul. Eventually Blaine sang other, well-known songs for the crowd at the bar and some joined in as Kurt continued to watch, sipping his drink and then going to the bar to get another one. Blaine finished his set after a few songs and after thanking the crowd he wandered straight to Kurt's little table near the back, almost as if he had no choice. Fate had decided.

"Hi," he whispered as he sat down next to Kurt and he simply nodded to one of the barmen who then brought him a drink a few moments later.

"Hi," Kurt said in reply, not sure how to start or even how to explain.

"Did you like the set?" Blaine asked timidly.

"Yeah, it was nice, you're always great Blaine." Kurt looked around him but found his gaze wandering to Blaine's face again in the silence.

"What are doing here?" Blaine asked kindly.

"I left Dave," he said simply, "Needed a drink and I don't really know the rest."

"You left Dave?" Blaine asked, eyebrow raised incredulously. Kurt nodded.

"You were right Blaine," he said, though it pained him to admit it, "I never loved him, I loved the idea of a relationship and as I sat there watching him cook dinner, I knew that I had known all along. I had sat there with him, gone to bed with him, gone out with him, knowing that I felt nothing, that I would feel nothing. But I started to feel a bit dead inside though, you know?"

"Yeah I know," Blaine said nodding in painful understanding. He didn't say what he wanted to say, didn't rush forward like his body urged him, he waited.

"Are you booked on a flight tomorrow?" Kurt asked, changing the topic.

"Yeah, the 9 o'clock so with the time difference I'll practically have the whole day in Paris."

"I'm on an earlier flight, so I'd probably better get back," Kurt said as he got up.

Blaine looked up in wonder at the abrupt end to their conversation and before he had recovered, Kurt was almost out the door.

"Hey Kurt wait," he said as he grabbed his arm, "Let me walk with you." Kurt looked surprised but nodded as he put his jacket on and walked out of the bar.

They walked in silence, hands thrust in pockets and faces down to brace against the cold wind. Kurt felt a little lost and coming to the bar hadn't helped like he had wanted. Blaine was at a loss for what to say, not knowing how to make it better but so desperate to make a difference. They walked to Kurt's temporary hotel and as Kurt turned to say goodbye, Blaine noticed tears had pooled in his eyes as they had walked in silence and he found his hand reaching out to Kurt, stroking his arm, trying to impart something, anything to help Kurt, to make it stop.

Kurt smiled at Blaine, understanding everything conveyed in Blaine's imploring gaze. They agreed to meet somewhere in Paris the next day, before the shows started and Kurt would have to 'work'. Blaine simply kissed him slowly on the cheek and left Kurt standing there, tears streaming down his face. Never had he felt so lost.

xXx

Kurt had never slept as deeply as he did in that cheap hotel room and he awoke feeling less fuzzy and confused. He had spent so many weeks of dozing for a few hours each night, never fully relaxed with Dave next to him, always aware of the lie in his life, that as soon as he was alone he could relax. As he showered he thought to what the day might hold, thought back to that kiss on the cheek the night before and he realised life was for living and he would need to start today. Paris awaited him and he wouldn't miss this opportunity to see it in all its glory.

He met Isabelle early for the flight and they travelled together sharing gossip and watching old French movies on the small screen in front of them. He dozed again a little later and Isabelle woke him gently as they prepared to land. Kurt could feel the excitement build as they landed, a place so far away from all his troubles that he felt lighter despite the sinking in his stomach as the plane touched down.

They found their hotel quite easily after taking their cab from the airport and Kurt settled into his room, preparing the folders of information he had brought with him and placing his clothes neatly in the wardrobe provided. As he looked around at his ordered room, he felt his life becoming more ordered too and he sighed, knowing that everything would be fine for this week. He was away, he could enjoy this trip for its beauty alone.

After a while he went to meet Blaine at the park entrance they had agreed the day before and Kurt grabbed a coffee on the way, so when Blaine approached he was sipping it slowly in the cold. Blaine's eyes seemed to sing in happiness as he approached, relief dripping from him as he saw Kurt.

"We're here," Blaine said excitedly as he sat next to Kurt on the bench. Kurt nodded.

"I can't believe it actually, I'm really glad to be here and I never thought I would be. Shall we get a coffee?" Kurt said.

They walked through Parc des Buttes Chaumont, one of the biggest parks in Paris and slightly set apart from the bustle of the city. Kurt had heard of its beauty from the internet so it had been the first place he had thought to meet Blaine when they discussed it yesterday. The paths were lined with trees like all the French parks here but there were overgrown wonders, with a waterfall and a grotto, almost like a fairy tale and as Blaine gazed around the park his eyes landed on le temple de la Sibylle on the hill, set apart and feeling almost like the palace at Disneyland. They walked up to the little alcove there, like a bird cage, set apart and precious at a height away from the bustle of Paris below. Blaine sighed in pleasure as he looked down at the beauty and Kurt could only gaze almost lovingly at the man he had brought here and the only person he had really wanted.

As they sat and watched Paris below them, the silence not uncomfortable, Kurt started thinking about how his body had reacted towards Blaine over the last few weeks, how it had overridden his mind and his rational thought. He constantly wandered what power this man held over him and as Blaine continued to admire the view of Paris, Kurt looked at him carefully. Blaine's eyes were almost aglow with amazement at where he found himself and his beautiful mouth was slightly open in awe. Kurt had always admired Blaine's beauty but looking at him here, he could sense his whole beauty – the fact that he loved this place already, loved the beauty, felt the wonder, made Kurt's heart swoop that this guy was here with him and was already so important to him. He had always been able to talk to him, reveal so much more than all his friends knew about him, and confess secrets that not even Dave knew. Blaine seemed to look into his soul and he saw and understood. Kurt knew he had been reticent recently, upset that he wasn't who he wanted to be, but he knew Blaine would accept him as he was and he needed to explore something, anything with him. He knew he craved him really and it surprised him that he was capable of such a feeling after his relationship with David.

Blaine seemed to realise Kurt's thoughts were not on the view ahead of them and he turned to face Kurt, his eyes shining amongst the beauty of the temple. He smiled warmly, encouraging Kurt to speak, to say what was on his mind, but Kurt knew there was only one way to convey what he wanted. He leaned forward and took Blaine's breath away as he captured his lips in a soft slow kiss that became more fervent as Kurt became more desperate to be understood. Blaine wove his arm around Kurt's waist, bringing him closer and licked slowly at Kurt's bottom lip, which caused his lips to part. Their lips and tongues moved together, exploring and sharing, and a gasp could be heard slither between them. As they parted, both with flushed cheeks, Kurt only smiled timidly as Blaine looked so debauched and undone in front of him.

"Wow," Blaine whispered, eyes twinkling. Kurt smiled widely.

"Do you think we could start again Blaine?" Kurt asked shyly.

"No," Blaine shook his head sadly and Kurt suddenly looked worried. "That would mean none of this had ever happened, that our conversations over late night breakfast had never happened, that we hadn't sung to each other and felt something more. I couldn't do that Kurt, those moments are my best memories." Kurt seemed to understand. "That doesn't mean we haven't made mistakes but they're done now and there is only the future and it looks pretty glorious to me." And Blaine looked out at the view again, so high, revealing so much of the world below that the future seemed to stretch before them, endless in its possibilities as long as they were together.