Dear Blaine,

I think having permission is enough. I think the act of writing even this short letter will have me in tears at the memory. I want to say now that I know what I am about to write will hurt you but I never wish for that. I know how I felt was ridiculously stupid and petty but it is true and I think to have it out in the open will at least free me a little from the pent up anguish I feel. In many ways I wish I could have been you in those moments.

I know you never meant to be selfish in your grief for Lily but I guess I resented you. I looked to you after she died, especially at the funeral, and I hated that you could grieve like that while I was so numb. I remember looking over from where I stood near the coffin as it was lowered to the ground. You were struggling to breathe, paying no heed to those around you, your eyes resolutely staring at the little coffin. I knew I should have tried to console you. I should have stroked your back or hugged you close, but I couldnt. So I stood there and let the feelings of grief wash over me without breaking my icy exterior me until I was completely numb. I watched as everyone else sobbed and said how precious and adorable Lily had been and I did nothing.

I felt I had to go on, not because I wanted to, but because I knew that life was never really going to carry on. If I pretended it did, it was more to assure myself that though life might look the same, it never would be. The world appeared the same, my career continued, but my life crumbled all around me. Everything that mattered died, so I reasoned that work and life might as well continue too. There was a home to clean, a job to return to, I could pretend that those were now the most important things because there was nothing else. I couldnt bear to look at you then, in those few months after Lily died. You reminded me that life was over, that there was only sadness. You couldnt let me pretend.

I know I made mistakes, that I didnt talk to you about it all but I was worried that I would crack the thin veil that appeared on the surface of our lives. I thought that if I discussed it there would be no return. I guess there never was a possibility that life would go back to how it was before. I know thats impossible now.

Im sorry Blaine, for the mistakes I made in the months afterwards and Im sorry that I let it continue for nearly a year. Maybe we can somehow move forwards without ignoring the past. It pains me to realise that we can never get back what we had before. I guess thats life.

Love Kurt x

---

Dear Kurt,

I dont really know what to write. Thank you for writing the truth, telling me everything and I know that must have been painful for you. I hope too that we can move forward now.

I think I realised too soon how life would be. I knew it would never be the same without Lily but I never understood how you could move on so quickly and pretend so easily. To me life was devastating, my grief was endless and I look back now and see both of us grieving in very different ways. I would always notice the deadened look behind your eyes but never see why you hid your emotion away. My life didnt continue, it couldnt continue and you didnt acknowledge that. I guess I needed to be heard.

I think I have to write down on paper at least what happened that day because you never let me discuss it. You didnt want to know how it happened; you pieced together the important parts, you said, and didnt want to hear me say it. But I need to explain, I need to make you understand that it was an accident Kurt. I never meant for it to happen.

It happened so quickly that now that I look back it seems a blur. I was so rushed that I had forgotten to place the reins around Lily so she could walk in security, knowing that I was attached to her. I was late for work, like you know, the alarm was turned to snooze one too many times and I needed to drop Lily off at her childminders before I started my day at school. I remember kissing you briefly on the cheek as I left, not even meeting your gaze as you ushered me out the door, though I bet you laughed at my frenzy. You were always more organised than me.

Lily and I had played a game in the days leading up to the event. I would walk slowly towards her and she would look over her shoulder, watching and waiting for me to get closer. She would wait til the last moment, where I was nearly at her back, before she would run like a mad thing, giggling with glee at the thought that she was to be chased. I would often hear you laughing to yourself as you cooked the dinner as we played and that sound always means family to me, it always was perfection.

That morning the traffic was madness as usual and as we prepared to cross the road I bent to pick up Lily but thinking it was some kind of game she giggled and ran into the road between two parked cars.

There was a split second where my heart seemed to freeze, before I could act, before I even registered what had happened. I saw her face before I could even understand enough to act.

Her face changed from an innocent smile, never knowing what danger lay ahead, to one of horror. I ran, heard the screech of other cars as they stopped but there was nothing. Everything a blur, just background noise and life will forever be black and white.

I know you blame me Kurt. I know you hate me for what I did. I even think the nightmares made you hate me even more. I would cry for Lily and what had happened during the day but at night my subconscious wouldnt let me rest either, never allowing me the chance to forget or forgive myself. I need to cry, I need to grieve so that I make sure I never forget.

I dont think you could hate me any more than I hate myself. I need you to know that. I dont expect forgiveness Kurt, I know I can never have that but I do need you. I think life without Lily is hard but without you too? I dont know if its worth continuing.

Love Blaine x

---

Kurt looked at the smudged inky blue letter and let his own tears fall. Isabelle was out so at least he had the place to himself but there was no comfort in the blanket draped across his knees as he read on the couch. As he read the letter he knew he had blamed Blaine, even though he would never admit it to himself or anyone else. He hadnt wanted to hear the truth of the day, but reading it now only made him think of how awful he had been to Blaine in the months afterwards. He hadnt consciously blamed Blaine but by his very silence on the subject, never acknowledging the pain of seeing it happen, must have been dreadful for Blaine, he realised. To bear that much guilt, to witness such a thing – well Kurt knew he couldnt have done it either and he hadnt helped Blaine. He had ignored it all in order to experience his own pain.

He couldnt continue the letters after this last written explanation. He sent a quick letter to Blaine to explain he needed some time and that he hadnt given up. He hoped Blaine would understand.

---

Cooper had been gone for quite while now with a promise that he would ring often but Blaine still found himself alone. He would cook dinner after work, something quick and easy, normally on toast and he would mark books before crawling to bed to watch mindless television. Snuggling under the covers wasnt half as romantic as it was before but knowing that it had been over a year since he had known that kind of affection made him wonder why it was so different now that Kurt had left their home. The idea of being completely alone was now just too much.

He had worried about his letter as soon as he had sent it but having received Kurts short note made him think he had made the biggest mistake. Maybe there were some things he had better not say but now the words were out there and he couldnt take them back.

It was creeping up to the year anniversary and Blaine felt even more alone than a year before. He had known that living without Lily would be hard but to live without Kurt was just unbearable.

---

Dear Kurt,

I was thinking of our place tonight as I sat and listened to music. I couldnt even watch a soppy movie; Im all out of those.

It was our peaceful place even when Lily was alive. I havent been there since we buried Lily but it would seem like an empty land now. I know it so well that I often dream of it. Im walking along the path and Lily is often in the distance, always out of reach. Last night I thought I glimpsed you by my side but when I turned in the dream, you had vanished.

All the simple things have gone and that dream meant everything to me. Im desperate for something Kurt, anything.

Love Blaine x

---

The sun had set which caused the shadows to mark eerie patterns on the leaves and on the path but Blaine didnt care. He walked slowly, trying to appreciate the strange beauty of the place that only they knew. The wind rustled the leaves in the branches and Blaine instinctively clutched his waist with his arms to keep warm. He thought he heard a twig snap behind him but there was nothing there when he turned.

After a while he returned home, disappointed and still very much alone.

---

Blaine didnt play the piano as often as he used to but now the slightly out of tune instrument seemed to call for him so he sat at the keys, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and he played. The melody was slow and no words came though it was a familiar song to Blaine. He played the song constantly until his fingertips ached and there was only this song, only those lost moments that he desperately wanted to cling on to on this terrible anniversary.

He never noticed the door slowly open or the footsteps padding slightly closer to him. Blaines eyes were closed and the melody continued until words were suddenly sung and his eyes opened in panic.

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

Im getting old and I need someone to rely on

So tell me when youre gonna let me in

Im getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

There was something in the way Kurt looked at Blaine as he sang, his voice quiet and his eyes so blue that Blaine knew he had been crying but also that he had been there too. He had watched Blaine at the church and in the garden, he had heard the rustle of the wind and seen the shadows on the path. Blaine disregarded the piano keys and surged forward as Kurt did the same.

"I was there," Kurt said breathlessly near Blaines ear, "I was there."

"I know," Blaine whispered, choking on a sob, "I know."

"Somewhere only we know," Kurt whispered, his blue grey eyes shining with unshed tears. Blaine nodded.

"Would you like to talk?" Blaine asked, such hope shining in his eyes that though Kurt knew it would be the most painful thing he would ever do, he would do it now, for them and who they used to be.