Dear Blaine,

This feels silly. Ill go ahead and write it now. You would think me even sillier if you saw the scrunched up balls of paper littered by my feet now: my failed attempts to start writing to you. I guess I never thought Id have to write to you like this, ever, but here I am writing because I cant speak.

It seems pathetic after all the discussions and heartfelt conversations we had in those hours before the dawn when we were younger, before we felt the need to grow up and behave like responsible adults. When did that happen? I always hoped wed avoid that. Id ask if we could erase all the pain and start again but I know that can never happen and maybe I wouldnt be the same. Too much has changed for us to ever think we can have what we had before. I think that thought is the most painful.

I know my leaving hurt you but I hope you understand we couldnt go on; that with me gone maybe you can heal a bit. Id rather feel alone and so painfully sad on my own. I think it hurt to feel like that with you in the bed next to me. I hope you get it, I hope you dont hate me.

Love Kurt

xx

---

Dear Kurt,

Thank you for writing to me, I know it must have been hard. It is hard now. Dont feel silly about writing; I dont think any worse of you because we couldnt communicate in other ways. I guess Lily was a bridge between us for so long.

I cant talk, or write it seems, about Lily even now without crying and I know you always struggled with that. I guess we can leave that for another day.

I dont hate you, I could never hate you but I do hate this situation, what we have become. You wrote about the conversations we used to have long into the night in your letter and it reminded me. I had forgotten.

When I first arrived in New York, a year after you paved the way, I really thought we were done with all the suffering and pain. I saw only a happy ending in sight and when we got married I knew you were my prince and I was done searching.

That night, our first night together in New York before I started NYADA, we stayed up all night talking about so much and nothing I can really remember now. I only remember laughing and kissing you so much. I can see you now sprawled on the bed completely naked, your head thrown back in laughter, tears leaking from your eyes as your stomach quivered with mirth. I think that is my favourite memory of you.

You see we never used to have such issues before. We can get that back again I hope, I really will try anything to get us back again, Kurt. Anything.

Thanks for writing,

Love Blaine

xx

---

Cooper was due to return to LA next week where he was to finish shooting the pilot for a television show which was currently on location here in New York. Cooper was convinced, like before, that this was his big break and Blaine, being in a more optimistic mood now that Kurt was communicating with him, did nothing to dampen his mood. Cooper had been staying in a hotel but as soon as Kurt left he moved in without really asking Blaines permission. Blaine had gotten so used to the silence after a long day at work, he would occasionally look at Cooper as he rambled on and wonder how he was related to such a person.

"What?" Cooper suddenly said, stopping his conversation as he ate his fries. "Do I have something on my face?"

Blaine shook his head. "No, I just never knew someone could talk so much."

"Ouch," Cooper said, "Well someone has to be cheery."

"Im sorry Coop, Im just used to the silence."

"That was always your problem, you never spoke about what was bothering you until it was obvious. You would always pretend it was ok. Do you remember that time you fell off your bike, scraped your leg really badly and still didnt tell mom because you thought shed worry?" Cooper laughed at the memory.

"Hey, I just care about peoples feelings, I dont want them to worry about me."

"I know squirt," he said suddenly ruffling his brothers hair despite its gelled confines. "But sometimes people know something is wrong and want to know how they can help, they want to go through it with you."

Blaine looked at the few fries on his plate and swallowed painfully. The thought that Kurt had felt that, wanted him to discuss it with him so he could help, made an uncomfortable feeling circle in his stomach like guilt.

"Hey," Cooper said, trying to break him from his reverie, "Dont do that, dont go into your head. What is it?"

"Kurt just wanted me to talk, that was it," Blaine said quietly.

"Kurt needs to talk too," Cooper said smiling sadly, "Its something you both struggle with."

"I thought the letter writing might help things along," Blaine said quietly, as if now he knew better. Kurt hadnt come back; he didnt even know where he was.

"Look he needs time just like you."

"No I dont need time, I need him back," Blaine said angrily, "His disappearance wont make this easier. I still miss him like crazy."

"Then tell him that in your letter," Cooper said kindly.

"I cant," Blaine shook his head. "He must know that already."

"I dont think he does," Cooper said, "I think he really believes you miss Lily more. He cant see a way out of this either."

"But I know he blames me," Blaine said, his voice even quieter now if possible.

Cooper rarely cried, it was always saved for especially tragic occasions, in fact as he thought about it, the last time had been Lilys funeral, now ten months ago. But this time, at the sight of Blaine so small and compact, his head bowed against all the guilt, weighed down with all the suffering, his eyes filled.

"I know he loves you Blaine," Cooper said, his voice breaking a little. Blaine looked up. "Anyone seeing you two together at your wedding and when you welcomed that perfect little girl into your home for the first time would say the same. So much love doesnt come along all the time Blaine and it doesnt die that easily either."

Blaine didnt know what to say, he had almost given up hope.

"Tell him," Cooper said emphatically, "Tell him you still love him and that he means so much. Tell him before its too late."

---

"Kurt?" Isabelle said quietly as she popped her head round his office door. She looked concerned as Kurt tapped away furiously at the computer in front of him, worried that she would disturb him. Her quiet manner and her apologetic pose startled him, his eyes instantly at her concerned face.

"Isabelle," he said, "What can I do for you?"

"I think its more what I can do for you," she said coming closer and gesturing to the chair opposite him, to which he nodded that she could sit.

What do you mean?"

"Do you remember when you first joined Vogue, you called me your fairy godmother?" He smiled at the memory and nodded. He had felt so young then, so long ago that nothing weighed him down, nothing could stop him achieving. What had happened to him?

"I havent had a proper conversation with you for quite a while," she said her expression softening, her eyes kind. "Ive missed you."

"Ive been busy, Im sorry," he said. She shook her head.

"You have no more work than usual, yet you put in ten hours a week more than you used to. Does this mean youre less efficient?"

His mouth opened wide. What to admit to: having poor time-management skills or the avoidance of his lonely bed? Kurt Hummel was never going to give the impression he was poor at his job.

"Youve caught me," he said.

"I thought so," she said smiling, "So how have you been? Hows Blaine?"

At the mention of Blaine, a man he no longer spoke to apart from a letter earlier in the week, a man he once lived with, shared a home with, made a family with – well it all seemed so far away. He wasnt living that life now and Kurt was stupid to think that leaving would make even a tiny difference. His shoulders slumped and he avoided her gaze once again.

"Kurt? Wheres Blaine?" she whispered.

"At home," he said calmly.

"So why dont you go home too," she said, standing up and turning off his computer. "Youve done enough work for one day."

He remained in his seat as she walked to the door, convinced she had done her good deed for the day. She turned in surprise as she watched Kurt remain in his office.

"Youre not going?"

"I dont live there anymore," he said.

She said nothing, watched Kurt as he sunk lower in his seat and refused to meet her gaze.

"I dont know what to say to him, I dont know how to fix it."

She waited and slowly, bit-by-bit, he relayed what had happened, why he had felt the need to leave and the attempt to communicate through letters.

"Hes writing back?" she asked, still standing by the door.

Kurt nodded.

"Then take this time to really tell him how you feel, get everything out in the open that you couldnt say before."

"But some of it is really painful," he said, "I dont want him to think I blame or accuse him."

Isabelle had known what had happened with Lily, had watched Kurt store it up inside as he returned to work after two weeks of apparent grief. She had watched and waited, knowing it was never the end. He looked like even now he couldnt let himself grieve.

"Write down what you think and how you feel Kurt because that is the only way you can go forward."

"I dont know if I have any fight left," he said weakly. His head lower, Isabelle knew that he was right. She walked towards him and dragged him slowly upwards so he was nearly standing in front of her. His eyes didnt meet hers but she caught him as he tumbled forward with the weight of his tears. She hugged him tight until she could hear the muffled sobs and feel the wracking pain from his chest as he heaved in his breath.

Kurt had never cried like this since her funeral, never allowed the real and self-consuming grief to overwhelm him like now. He immediately thought to Blaine and how he had grieved the correct way, had done what was needed. Kurt had taken control when it wasnt needed.

"Feel better?" Isabelle said as Kurt parted from her, nervously trying to wipe at his red face.

"You need to tell him," she said, "And youre coming home with me tonight. I dont care who youre staying with, now you stay with me."

She took his hand and he let himself be led out.

---

Dear Blaine,

I guess I need permission. Permission to write about everything, to tell you all things. I dont want to break you anymore and I know I broke you, I know you miss Lily and I cant change anything but I wish everything was out in the open.

I was thinking this morning, as I brushed my teeth oddly enough, about your proposal at Dalton. It was perfect Blaine and so overwhelming at the same time. I saw all those faces, felt the rose petals fall down around me, heard the mixture of choirs singing for me, for us, but there was only you. Your shining amber eyes as you came closer, as you assured me that we were destined for each other, that your body craved me just as much as your soul. The song had been perfect too, the promise that all you need is love. All of that seems silly now.

I believed it all then, that love was all you needed, that we could get through anything because we had been through it all. I really thought your cheating and being apart from you for a year was as bad as it was going to get. How stupid.

All you need is love. Is it all you need? Well we proved that wrong didnt we? I feel like I invested so much love into our family together, you, me and Lily, that with one part removed and gone, were nothing. I do love you Blaine, I do but its not all we need, I know that now.

Im not sure why Im writing this. Isabelle said something about revealing everything, writing it all down because I cant say it. Maybe shes right. There is no blame left, but maybe if you let me, I can write down everything, leave it in the open and see where we can go from there.

I do love you Blaine, I promise. I think I have just enough fight to write that much and try to make this work.

Love Kurt xx

---

Dear Kurt,

Id do anything to make this work Kurt, I promise. I love you too and I give you permission. Write what you need to say, lay it all out and we can definitely see how it goes.

I wonder if I could do the same. When Lily first died, I couldnt breathe through all the tears, I couldnt imagine ever being able to laugh or talk again, even to you. But as the weeks wore on, I needed to talk, to speak to you about Lily, to remember her, to show you how I felt. You closed off, you hid away and I couldnt bear it so I parted too, I separated to protect myself. Its been so long since we spoke I think all we have left is letters.

Write to me as much as possible Kurt. Tell me everything. Id do anything for you Kurt, even hear the worst. I love you that much.

You write in your letter that you dont believe all you need is love anymore, that life killed the dream, well it didnt Kurt. If you dont believe anymore then it is my job to help you.

Love causes me to write this letter. Love makes you write to me. Love stops me from giving up, love reminds us where weve come from. Love was swirling in our home and we can get it back because it never dies. I see it in your eyes and feel it in those warm arms you snuck around my waist the night before you left.

Love means I will listen, love will cause you to share.

Dont give up Kurt.

Love Blaine xx