Dec. 14, 2013, 6 p.m.
Broken Strings: Chapter 2
E - Words: 2,011 - Last Updated: Dec 14, 2013 Story: Complete - Chapters: 5/? - Created: Oct 27, 2013 - Updated: Oct 27, 2013 157 0 0 0 0
A/N: Thanks for the interest so far and the reviews. Heres another chapter to hopefully whet your appetite!
The row was stupid, really juvenile but with his lack of sleep and being so busy at Vogue, Kurt just didnt have time for stupid and juvenile things. He had shouted at Blaine until he understood then he had given him the silent treatment, eventually driving Blaine mad with worry. Blaine had begged to be listened to, which resulted in another row. Kurt couldnt remember why they had fought, looking back, something about money maybe or the mess in the kitchen – Blaine always had been a messy cook – but now it didnt matter. He sat in his office, supposed to be looking over designs, and he remembered the conversation they had afterwards. The make-up sex had been fabulous but as they were cuddling, something Kurt knew they never did now, Blaine whispered in the darkness.
"We should make a promise that we always talk, always share whats bothering us so big rows like that dont happen again."
"We did share," Kurt said smiling, "Probably a bit too much."
"No I mean before it happens, dont let resentment build and come out in a big burst of emotion. We should talk more often, make more time for us."
Kurt nodded so his chin tapped Blaines head where it rested on his chest.
"Ok I promise," Kurt said, "But I mean the make-up sex is always fantastic, we shouldnt give rowing up altogether."
Blaine sat up on his elbow and gave Kurt a cheeky look.
"Oh little rows can be arranged every so often," he said, smiling before diving in for another kiss along Kurts jaw which always drove him wild.
The pictures of crisp suits in the fall line were rather bland but Kurt paid them no attention as he remained in his office now. Blaine had always known what to say to make things right again; they would both apologise and return to normal. But they had Lily then, little rows more frequent because they were tired and overworked with a young child in the house, and it had been easier to return to normal, to make things right. They were a family, a precious unit and nothing could shake them.
Kurt realised as he sat sipping his third coffee of the morning that Blaine had been right, it was the lack of communication that made their downfall but Kurt had no way to get it back. The thought of talking to Blaine about Lily was so dreadful he couldnt do it. He knew Blaine needed someone to talk to, had in many ways felt her passing so differently to Kurt that he couldnt understand it. But it didnt need to be discussed, the worst had happened and there were people to blame, but nothing brought her back, what was the point.
"You didnt sleep?" Cooper asked as soon as Blaine entered the kitchen at six oclock in the morning. Cooper was sleeping on the sofa and try as he might Blaine was never quiet enough. He stumbled, kicking the coffee table and yelped in pain at his stubbed toe.
"No," Blaine said, his startled face settling when he realised it must be obvious. "I never sleep."
"When did this start little bro?" Cooper sat up wrapping the blanket around his knees and facing Blaine who sat at the kitchen table while the kettle boiled.
When had it started? Blaine wondered. He knew they had been busy whilst Lily was alive, hardly able to make time for Lily let alone any time for just the two of them. There was always a glance, a quick hug before the madness of the day began and Blaine would know they were ok, that their love meant everything. But perhaps everything was so wrapped up in Lily that with her gone, their lives were never the same.
"It was the funeral," Blaine started, thinking back. Cooper didnt understand, hadnt really seen the aftermath, and it showed on his face. Funerals were always tough but Blaine knew it triggered the start of their demise.
The funeral was black. The clouds were dark and ominous, hanging low in the sky as they buried Lily, her little body lowered into the hard ground. A large crowd had gathered, so many tears that Blaine knew even in her short life she had touched so many. He was inconsolable, his chest heaving out breaths, his face a red puffy mess but nothing could be said, nothing could be done, and Kurt just stood there, silent tears working their way down his face.
Afterwards, at the wake, Blaine hadnt been able to entertain like Kurt, hadnt wanted inane conversation or comments about how wonderful Lily had been. He couldnt do it, so he left Kurt to handle it on his own, knew he was so much better without Blaine to worry about too. Blaine had gone to his room, then Lilys that had remained like a shrine to their beautiful baby girl. He had sobbed into her favourite teddy, took in the smell of her pink cardigan and was inconsolable until he could barely breathe and it hurt in his chest. Burt had come to say goodbye a little later, Rachel had simply given him a hug when she left, no words left to say but Kurt had said nothing. After packing away, he had returned to bed, slipped in under the covers and turned his back. No words, no hugs, no tears. Blaine had to feel for the both of them.
"That must have been tough on Kurt," Cooper said, "He obviously hasnt dealt with it properly, just got on with his life."
Blaine was annoyed, sat up straight at the kitchen table, looked accusingly at Cooper who made the remark in innocence.
"Who said he had to just get on with his life? No one said he couldnt grieve, no one said he had to be brave. Why couldnt he cry like everyone else?"
"Thats not always how people do it Blaine," Cooper said kindly, "Hes obviously devastated, his life hasnt carried on. Hes over."
Blaine hadnt thought about it like that, had spent so many months and weeks wishing and praying that Kurt would talk to him, cry at least once, tell him how he felt. Blaine knew his own face displayed his emotions so freely, that he never kept any secrets and he was so desperate to share with Kurt, to feel together. It never occurred to him that Kurt was so broken that he couldnt speak, that he felt his life was over. Blaine sunk lower in his seat, his back no longer straight with indignation. He was defeated.
"I need him Cooper," Blaine said weakly, "If Lily dying made my life lose colour then without Kurt it just wont be, I wont be."
"Then you need to get him to talk to you," Coop said.
"How?" Blaine asked.
"Ill speak to him," Cooper said standing up, his blanket dropping to reveal he still slept naked. Blaine covered his eyes quickly.
"Oh sorry," Cooper said, quickly picking up the blanket, "But you have seen it all before." Blaine laughed.
"Ill go to Vogue, demand he speak to me," Cooper said, walking to Blaines bedroom where he intended to change.
"Everything will be alright little bro, trust me."
"Theres someone here for you," Enrique said by the door to Kurts office, "Says it is urgent and he must speak to you now." Enrique looked intrigued, like he might set up a chair to see what might happen.
"Whats his name?" Kurt asked.
"He wouldnt say."
"Then he can make a proper appointment," Kurt said annoyed, "Im busy."
He lifted up the many photos he had to peruse before the hour was up but Enrique shrugged his shoulders.
"He said if you wouldnt see him, he would run around naked until you did." Enrique laughed and watched Kurts face change from annoyance to defeated resignation.
"Cooper," Kurt mumbled, his shoulders slumped. "Let him in."
Kurt stacked the various photos as if that might order his mind as well as his office and was a little surprised to see Cooper so contrite as he came in.
"How are you doing Kurt?" Cooper asked as soon as he sat down in the chair opposite him.
"I take it youve seen Blaine?"
Cooper nodded.
"Well you dont need me to explain how I am," Kurt said, looking back at the top photo, anything to avoid looking in those piercing blue eyes that made him want to reveal everything.
"Yes I do," Coop said, "Blaine is devastated. Hes lost without you Kurt."
"No hes lost without Lily, he wont miss me at all."
"Thats not true," Coop said, "If he was lost before that was because he had already lost you. You wont talk to him, he has no one."
Kurt lowered his head, feeling overwhelmed. He swallowed repeatedly, blinked once or twice and lifted his head again.
"I cant do it," he said, "I cant live such a pretence. Weve been lost for so long and just pretend to the world that we have each other. There is nothing now."
"You lost Lily, not each other. You can get through this if you talk."
Kurt shook his head.
"Can you move on without Blaine?" Cooper asked suddenly, causing Kurt to look at him properly. "Can you live again?"
No matter what had happened, Kurt couldnt really imagine a life without Blaine. He wasnt living now but without Blaine he knew it wouldnt change. The thought of their wedding day, how in love they were, how unbreakable, it just seemed so far away.
"I havent lived for so long," Kurt said.
"Neither has Blaine," Cooper said simply, "Why dont you work it out together?"
Kurt thought it through, the act of talking, hugging, possibly crying with Blaine was all too much. He shook his head.
"I cant talk to him about it, I cant bear it when he cries."
"Then write to him," Cooper said, a bright hopeful smile on his face like he had just invented sliced bread. "Yeah write him letters or send him emails. The only deal is that you have to be completely honest – both of you."
Kurt thought it over, the idea not completely stupid and it would be easier.
"Would Blaine be up for it?" Kurt asked.
"Of course," Coop said, "Hes desperate for you Kurt. He would do anything to get you back."
Kurt felt it again, his chest constricted and he swallowed. He was loved that much even when he was so broken and lost.
"Ok, Ill try."
"Good, where are you staying?"
"With a friend from work, but…"
"I know, I wont tell Blaine, just so he knows youre ok," Cooper said. Kurt nodded. "Ill tell him to expect communication then, you start it?"
Kurt nodded again, unable to trust his voice. He felt so small and lost that just the thought of writing letters to explain even a fraction of how he felt made him want to cry. He had become so good at stopping the tears, controlling it all that Blaine might never have known.
"Take care Kurt," Cooper said, getting up and patting Kurts shoulder, "Im here if you need me too."
"Thanks Coop, youre a good brother," Kurt said.
"I wasnt when he was growing up so Im making up for lost time. Bye."
Kurt took one glance at his neat stack of photos, his pristine office, so tidy, his life so ordered and controlled that he lowered his head and cried quietly. Life without Lily and now without Blaine - the first time he had allowed himself to feel.