The knowledge that I had survived twenty years without Kurt seemed utterly ridiculous to me as I spent the following two weeks alone. I missed Kurt like crazy and the thought of seeing him again filled my mind. To make an effort to occupy my time and to make an effort to re-establish myself in England I visited patients at the hospice where Edith had spent her final weeks. I knew Kurt wouldn't visit again as her room had been cleared and I would never want to intrude on his space but I felt that I could do some good there. I decided to speak to a leading doctor there and ask if I could work there on a voluntary basis. He looked at me as if I was mad but after checking my credentials and discussing my hospital in Johannesburg he said I could help as often as I wanted.

After a few days of playing the piano at my own flat and walking the park aimlessly looking for something to become a little clearer, I decided to go to the bar that Kurt had suggested – the American bar at the Stafford hotel. I made sure I was dressed appropriately in a suit and bow tie and I instantly realised I had made the right choice. There were only a few older men there during the day, dressed in a similar way to me but I sat with a whiskey, then a cup of tea, reading a paper and tinkling on the piano. It seemed a home away from home and it was only as I left and felt the cooler breeze hit my cheeks, that I realised I had felt at ease there, as if I was somewhere else, transported to a simpler time. I realised I truly was getting old.

I returned the following day but decided this time to try an evening, when the crowd may be different and the atmosphere altered. I was not disappointed. The place was fuller and a mixture of couples – young and old as well as groups of well-respected literary folk. The piano again was free and I tinkled again, not really concentrating on what I was playing.

As I sat there playing, images of Kurt flew to mind, younger, more free in his love despite his marriage and the illicit nature of our affair. I could remember his laugh, his smile, his eyes twinkling, his beauty. In many ways he had never changed. In other ways he had become more cautious, more reticent and I was unsure how our relationship would continue. I had wanted more for so long, it seemed it was a yearning deep in my soul and I soon found myself playing the song from the play Private Lives that I had seen in London before I left for Johannesburg, with Madeline and another couple we knew – their names escape me now. I knew I had to play it to Kurt when I saw him and I suddenly couldn't wait.

The following ten days dragged until the Thursday I was to meet Kurt again. I was so eager to see him, I was too early but I drank tea at the station, looking anxiously at the door, awaiting his sweet face. I knew his face would tell a thousand stories and I would know how to proceed with the afternoon.

He entered looking around anxiously as if the two week wait to see him again would have me avoiding this place, not wanting to wait any longer. I had waited twenty years – two weeks was torture but I would always return, never give up. His eyes alighted on mine and he smiled as he walked over.

"Can we go to the bar like you suggested?" I ask as he goes to sit down opposite me and I stand.

"Of course, if you want to," he says, smiling at my change in attitude no doubt.

As we walk to the hotel, I ask tentatively how his last week has been, and he nods.

"It was a tough week but it is over now and life has to move on," he said matter-of-factly and I knew he was hiding a myriad of guilt and sadness.

"Kurt," I said, stopping him in the street by resting my hand on his arm, "We can go at whatever speed you're comfortable with, there is no rush."

"I know Blaine," he said, smiling at my gesture, "But we have a lot of catching up to do, life is for the living and I know this seems strange but I feel like I'm finally living mine."

"No, it's not strange," I reassure him, "I feel the same."

We continue to walk to the hotel and Kurt smiles when he approaches.

"I haven't been here in a while and it always brightens up my day. I always used to think of you here, even though you'd never been and I liked to come here on my Thursdays."

We entered the court side of the hotel, leading to the bar that was tucked underneath, its steps leading to the rest of the room spread before us. There was only one man, sitting in a comfy chair, who suddenly folded his newspaper and made his exit. We were alone, the barman flitting in and out to tend to jobs around the place. We ordered drinks and the barman disappeared again.

"Is this why you liked it here, because it's so quiet?" I asked.

"Yes, but I think they understand here. It's never mentioned but I see it as a safe place, no judgement, no one really cares. It's as if there is a code of secrecy - what happens in this place, stays in this place."

"It's quite freeing then?" I say. Kurt nods. "I felt that too, I've been singing here for a few days, just tinkling but no one pays any heed and its liberating. They don't dislike the music, but it does not involve them and they are quite happy with that."

"Can you play something for me now?" Kurt asks timidly and I nod, worried my voice will betray my sudden emotion.

I start to play, avoiding Kurt's eyes, knowing he is watching closely but near the back of the room, sipping his drink.

When one is lonely the days are long
You seem so near
But never appear
Each night I sing you a lover's song
Please try to hear
My dear, my dear

I think back to that station, the tunnels where we kissed secretly, the times I have sung to him, almost dreamt him, convinced he was real, only to wake to find him gone. I look up at him now, watching me so intently, I love him even more.

Someday I'll find you
Moonlight behind you
True to the dream I am dreaming
As I draw near you
You'll smile a little smile;
For a little while
We shall stand
Hand in hand

I'll leave you never
Love you forever
All our past sorrow redeeming
Try to make it true
Say you love me too
Someday I'll find you again

And I know I have found him. I know we belong together and he is mine. I need to tell him before he leaves again but as I walk away from the piano, the song finished, he looks at me. He knows already, he feels the same and we can finally say it.

"That was perfect Blaine," he says, "I love you." He whispers the last phrase, in order to keep it between us.

"I love you too Kurt." I reach my hand tentatively towards his that is resting on the table in front of us and just lay it on top, this simple gesture something so new, something forbidden for so long. I start to stroke along the vein on his hand while we continue speaking.

"Do you ever think that how we feel is wrong?" Kurt asked timidly, already anxiously checking the barman had not returned.

"No," I said, worried that he thought it was, "I think it is a different kind of love and people aren't used to it being referred to but it is one of the oldest loves. I don't care what people think Kurt, I'm tired of hiding, I'm getting too old."

"I feel the same," he said, trying to force himself to feel more confident, "I guess I worry what my family will think."

"We don't have to tell them, I mean my sons are in South Africa, they have built their own lives."

"But Bobby and Maggie live here and I will see them often."

"It doesn't matter Kurt, I don't mind being a separate part of your life, I completely understand the need for discretion but I do hope you won't leave my life again. I don't think I could bear it." I was surprised at the need in my voice and it didn't escape Kurt who looked at me earnestly.

"You would consider being a part of my life that way? Like a dirty secret?"

I couldn't decide if Kurt was hurt with me or angry at the world. "I wish we could live out in the open but the world is not an easy place to live in and I think we would need to be a secret, at least for a while."

He seemed to consider this for a while, then nodded. "I don't blame you Blaine, I know the world is intolerant but I would one day like to introduce you to my family in the proper way. But as you say, maybe that will take time."

"And we've only just met again," I finish, "Maybe we should take some time to get to know each other again."

"Ok, ask me a question," he said playfully, "What would you like to know?"

"Ok, but only if you ask me questions too, then it's fair," I said smiling.

"Ok, me first: when did you first notice you were different?" Wow, Kurt was starting with the big questions.

"Uh, I don't know really. I knew Madeline was beautiful and we had enough in common for me to know that we would get along but I never really found her attractive in that way," I said, waving my hand to indicate sexual attraction and finding myself blushing. "We obviously had sex," I whispered, "But I often closed my eyes."

"Did you imagine other people?" He asked and I had never seen him as red as he was then.

"Not particular people, just a heaviness, just a desire to be completely taken but after I met you, well I...."

Kurt seemed to understand and he smirked slightly but did not press further.

"Your turn, your question," he said.

I thought for a while then realised I had the perfect question.

"If you had your time again, if you could be anything, what would you be?"

He looked a little startled at me asking such a personal question, but he answered.

"A singer," he didn't hesitate, "I always dreamt of singing on a stage."

"Why don't you? Now I mean?"

"I couldn't now Blaine," he said sadly, almost like explaining something so basic to a child, "I'm too old."

"Perhaps for the stage but you can still do what you love. I think dreams just have to change and morph slightly, but you should never give up."

Kurt nodded but he seemed to be just tolerating my explanation, not really believing it for himself.

"Come with me now," I said, getting up abruptly and putting on my coat.

"Where are you going?" he asked, surprised.

"Home and you need to come too," I said confidently and he suddenly looked startled at the suggestion, perhaps memories flitting across his mind of an earlier time where we had so nearly crossed all boundaries.

"I don't know Blaine," he muttered, shaking his head.

"Please Kurt," I said, reaching for his hand, "Trust me." He looked up at me, his clear blue eyes searching mine and he nodded, reaching the conclusion, hopefully, that he could trust me.

We reached my flat after a relatively short bus journey and limited chat and as we entered my building, he looked around.

"It's beautiful here Blaine, you're really lucky," he said and seemed to spot the view from the small balcony as he spoke. He wandered over and gasped at the view of the park from my building and smiled. As he turned he noticed me staring at him, I couldn't help but revel in his beauty. He looked so serene with the light behind him silhouetting him, making his black suit and the sharp contours of his body seem solid and strong. He looked so masculine and I wanted to hug him close to feel his soft skin and his slim muscles beneath my fingers.

He smiled at my gaze and I knew he felt exposed and scrutinised. I walked over to the piano and beckoned him a little closer. He sat on the stool beside me, watching my fingers grace the piano, almost mesmerised at how they moved. He seemed lost in thought until he recognised the song I was playing and tentatively starting singing along.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

He stood up and walked over to the balcony window, the light continuing its background of grace and glow, illuminating him, making him look more powerful than ever.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

He closed his eyes, and it was only then that I noticed a single tear trickle down his face but he seemed to be imagining something so I continued to play. I had never heard anything so beautiful and I knew if I died now, that I would be happy.

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

As the piano stopped he opened his eyes, the moment of a dream disappearing and his eyes focused on me once more. I smiled.

"That was beautiful Kurt," I whispered.

He turned to face the view, unable to say what he wanted and I made him a coffee in the hope that we could talk after he had collected himself. I loved that about him - that he wanted to deal with things on his own but I really hoped he would take me along with him.

I returned a while later carrying a tray of mugs of coffee and a plate of biscuits to find him sitting staring straight ahead.

"I had forgotten," he whispered, as he continued to stare at something in the distance, "I had forgotten what it felt like to sing, thank you Blaine." He looked up at me, as if for the first time and I smiled, glad that I had brought him that at least.

"You should sing more often, Kurt, I mean you're welcome to sing here. I love playing my piano and it gets lonely singing sad songs all by myself," I chuckled slightly.

"I think I'd rather kiss you, if that's ok?" He asked so assuredly, confident of what he wanted and it was so unexpected, I choked on my coffee and coughed repeatedly until Kurt patted my back gently.

"I'm sorry," he said, smiling, "Perhaps I cannot get away with statements like that."

I laughed. In his bid to help me recover from my coughing he had come to sit next to me on the sofa and now his hand was repeatedly rubbing my back, getting slower and slower until I could only close my eyes, the intimacy something I had dreamt of for so long. I could feel his breath along my cheek before I realised what was happening and I could suddenly feel his lips against my cheek, so soft, so sweet. I could hear my breath hitch and I turned my face, my lips to meet his. His lips were exactly liked I remembered, and I realised I had not imagined the kisses, I hadn't imagined the intimacy. I leant closer, deepening the kiss and I tentatively kissed his bottom lip, almost sucking it between my teeth. I could feel the flutter of eyelashes and my hand held his face. I had never felt this with Madeline, never the wonder of someone else's lips and tongue. I could feel my heart start to beat wildly, my cheeks warming and I leant forward, making Kurt now lie back. We kissed for what seemed hours, barely parting to take breaths and I realised I had never felt more complete. Whoever said this was sinful was completely wrong. This was where I belonged.

Our lips finally parted and Kurt lay fully back, his eyes wide and pupils dark. His lips looked cherry red, completely kissed and he had never looked more gorgeous. I couldn't help but sink back in and devour those beautiful lips more, make up for lost time and in a place where we were completely free. I could feel myself harden and felt a little lost at this new sensation. I had never experienced such arousal through kissing alone and I didn't want to scare Kurt off but soon we came closer and I knew he could feel it. Instead of alarming him, he moaned slightly at the contact and thrust himself lightly towards me, showing me he felt the same. We did nothing about it that day but I knew we could in the future, that what happened here was between us and that nothing could stop us now.