Chapter 2

As I entered the house I was greeted by a frantic Edith who clasped my hands in gratitude that I had arrived.

"Oh there you, I'm so glad you're home," she said, her face showing her panic and her cheeks pale. "There has been an accident, Bobby was hit by a car and has a slight concussion." I ran straight up the stairs to find the doctor packing away his equipment and a sleeping Bobby, his head wrapped in bandages and fast asleep.

"Doctor," I said, pleading, "How is he?"

"He will be fine, sir," he said, "Only a slight concussion. I have given him a sedative but he should be fine tomorrow morning. He was very lucky." And the doctor continued to pack away as I sat on the bed and looked at my son, sleeping peacefully. All this had happened while I had been away with Blaine and the guilt ate away at my stomach and made me want to avoid going downstairs. How could I explain to Edith I had been out having lunch and watching films with a new friend, how could I explain that I was to meet him again next week, when all this had happened without me? Surely I had been a neglectful father, I hadn't thought of Edith or the children the whole day.

I walked slowly downstairs after a while, Edith greeting me at the bottom, her face showing worry and question.

"How is he?" she asked.

"He will be fine," I said, leading her into the lounge, "The doctor has given a sedative and he should wake in the morning."

"I'm so glad you are home," she said, her face almost crumpling with need and I knew I should go to her, comfort her but I could not. I simply attempted the Times crossword puzzle after a while and she returned to her knitting.

I sat opposite her and thought I could make it better. Maybe I could mention Blaine; maybe I could explain my actions, gloss over their meaning and pretend that he was merely a new friend I had met.

"I met a doctor a few weeks ago at the refreshments room at the station and we had lunch today and went to see a film," I said quickly. She barely looked up at my speaking and continued her knitting.

"Yes, I thought maybe we could invite him and his wife to Sunday lunch one weekend," I continued.

"Oh," she said, finally stopping and thinking. "I might have to plan that more in advance, maybe you could wait a while, meet him again on your own. You know I find entertaining difficult," she said, looking worried. For some reason the panic I had felt in my stomach at the mention of Blaine and his wife and the casual way my wife replied, made me laugh. I had worked myself up for nothing, worried over such a trifling thing. She didn't care if I carried on meeting him; it never even crossed her mind that something untoward would occur. I suddenly thought – was it all in my imagination? Did Blaine feel only friendship for me?

I worried about it while I added up my books for the bank, thought of his face when I went to sleep and dreamt of those amber eyes of liquid gold. I wondered what was wrong with me, that I lay next to my wife and felt nothing.

xXx

The following Thursday couldn't come quickly enough but I waited at the same table where we had eaten lunch the week before and he never arrived. The cellist that had seemed so funny the week before just looked pathetic as I watched her and ate my simple lunch. I read my book, smoked my cigarette and felt a fool sitting there waiting for him. I clearly had imagined it all but I found myself walking past the hospital where I knew he would be working. I looked up, imagining him working there, sitting at his desk or seeing patients. I wondered if something had happened to stop him meeting me, maybe an emergency. I went to the pictures but the film was dull and boring, so I found myself arriving at the refreshments room early and drank a cup of tea before my own train arrived.

As the announcement was made for the train he would be catching to go home, I walked along the platform and suddenly felt panicked that he would miss his train and that I wouldn't see him again. But all of a sudden he came bounding up the ramp towards the platform, taking his hat off and upon seeing me, his face lit up.

"I'm so sorry," he said, clearly out of breath but clutching my hands, "I got held up at the hospital, there was an emergency and the house surgeon needed my help and..."

"Hurry, we need to get to your platform, your train will leave," I said and we started to run down the ramp and across to the other platform so he could board the train. He opened the train door as the final whistle was tinkled and he looked back at me, still clasping my hand and I realised he had held my hand all the way up the platform as we ran together. I let it go as he entered the train, realising what it would look like but his face was so alight with a smile, so thankful that he had seen me again, I couldn't help but smile in return.

"I'm so glad I got a chance to explain," he said, as he boarded the train, leaving the window of the door open. "Next Thursday?" he said as the train started to speed away.

"Next Thursday," I shouted and waved as he went and my train was announced too and I ran to the other side of the platform.

xXx

Next Thursday appeared much quicker this time and there must have been a spring in my step as we met again for lunch and went to the cinema to watch a film. We laughed and inadvertently clasped hands or brushed arms in between the seats when there was a part that enthralled or excited. It appeared accidental but I would occasionally glance over at him, his face again wide with a smile and his eyes aglow and I knew it wasn't.

As we left the cinema, just slightly early to avoid the rush at the exit, it was such a lovely afternoon that Blaine suggested we visit the Botanical Gardens and we walked along, chatting and laughing. The water was so peaceful and the sun shining that nothing seemed to be able to dampen our mood, though I did notice that one little boy having a picnic on the grass, looked a lot like Bobby. I didn't feel guilty, I was just there, enjoying the time with Blaine and we seemed set apart from everything else. Nothing could touch us.

Blaine suddenly decided that instead of just watching the water, we should actually go on it, so we hired a boat and we started rowing out. Blaine clearly didn't know how to row but we wandered gently for quite a while, enjoying the peace of this idyllic afternoon. There was a comfortable silence for a while as I watched the rippling water and spotted the geese. I would occasionally look at Blaine who was watching me carefully, something on his tongue but not daring to speak.

"Do you sometimes wish to be another creature?" I asked suddenly, "Another animal, I mean."

Blaine looked around at the animals of the water surrounding us and then at me.

"I think birds are beautiful," he said simply, "It would be marvellous to fly away wouldn't it?"

"Yes it would," I whispered.

"What made you ask that question?" he asked sadly.

"I thought first of all about birds, that's why I asked. I think my life has become such a drag, I wish most days that I could fly."

He said nothing as I looked resolutely at the oars I was pushing through the water surrounding us.

"Why do you want to fly away?" he asked timidly, his sudden shyness seemed opposed to his usual positive attitude.

"Then maybe something would happen," I said, continuing to avoid Blaine's gaze which I could feel burning on my face. "Maybe I would feel alive and free."

"That would be nice, to feel and to be alive; to be really alive. Birds can fly but they can't love," he said simply and I nodded in agreement, understanding and not wanting to ruin the peaceful stillness of the water below us. I looked up after a while and suddenly noticed the bridge we were approaching, much more rapidly than I had at first assumed.

"Oh no!" I exclaimed, "Watch out!"

Blaine looked behind and noticed the hanging chains underneath the low bridge and I tried to steer us away but Blaine decided to stand up and push our boat away from the bridge by walking further up the boat. He seemed to carry on pushing and all of a sudden he was in the water and as he came up, covered in seaweeds and watery plants, I couldn't help but laugh. He looked so miserable and silly, stuck in the water with his bottom lip out in a pout that my laughter continued and he joined in, blowing bits of plants and water out of his mouth and trying to brush off seaweed, as if he could make any difference. We eventually rowed to safety and returned the boat. The kind man in charge of the boat made us tea in his boathouse and let Blaine borrow trousers while his socks, shoes and clothes dried by the fire.

"Tea?" I said, as Blaine sat by his drying clothes, looking pensive and thoughtful. He nodded and took his cup. He stared at the top of the floating tea as if it would contain all the answers. I sat opposite him with my own tea.

"You know what's happened, don't you?" he suddenly whispered, stirring his tea, watching.

"Yes," I replied, "Yes, I do."

"I've fallen in love with you."

I couldn't reply, didn't know what to say. I think my breath stopped for just a moment and I was falling. I could see him shuffle in his seat to face me better, as my gaze remained fixed on my tea and he seemed to breathe deeply to prepare himself, to present himself fully.

"Please tell me what I believe to be true," he said, forcing me to look at his golden eyes as he leant in closer. "Please tell me you feel the same way."

"It sounds so silly," I whispered.

"Why?"

"I know you so little."

"Please," he whispered, pleading so beautifully, his eyes awash with unshed tears.

"Yes," I whispered, "I love you too."

"Your eyes," he said, "They shine, I can't help but see myself in them and I think you're beautiful." He looked relieved that he had said so much, knew it would be forbidden everywhere for him to announce such a statement but at that moment he looked like he could fly.

"We must be sensible," I said, despite feeling like I could soar, "We can't say these things, we're both married and..."

"No it doesn't matter," he said, clutching my hands in his as they rested between us, cups of tea discarded. "It doesn't matter at the moment. We have time, we still have some time."

I looked carefully at him, not wanting to be the voice of reason but already knowing it couldn't continue. I knew I loved him, would always love him, would see his face before my eyes every day before I died but we would have to part and return to our middle class idyllic lives with our wives and children. But we still had time.

xXx

We went back to the train station once Blaine's clothes were dry and as we were going under the platform so I could see Blaine get on his train and wave him off, we linked arms in the dark empty tunnel. No one was there and Blaine suddenly turned to face me, the dim light only revealing the glow of his eyes, almost like a cat.

"I love you," he said as he leaned in closer and my eyes widened as he kissed me, so secretive, so quick I could barely let out the breath I had been holding. We could hear a rustle of newspaper on the ground coming from the ramp behind us and we parted again, looking like two men walking solemnly together. No one knowing, no one understanding but there was a difference now.

As his train approached, Blaine turned to face me on the platform, a sad expression on his face at the prospect of waiting a week to meet again. He clasped my hand and squeezed it before boarding the train and the train started to move away.

"I'm never saying goodbye to you," I said, as the train sped off and he smiled in understanding and waved until I could see him no more.