January 3, 2013

“I love you,” Blaine Anderson said, tears beginning to well in his eyes as he stood in front of the love of his life, his boyfriend, Kurt Hummel.

Kurt’s face screwed up in confusion and concern as he stood up from the chair in which he was sitting. “I love you, too. What’s wrong, Blaine?” He cocked his head to the side questioningly.

“I think we should take a break.” With the last words Blaine’s voice cracked and tears began to fall from his eyes.

Kurt pulled Blaine into his arms and rocked him gently, trying to calm him down. “Why? Things have been going okay and we only have a semester left of being apart. We just have to make it six more months. Then you’ll be done with school and you can move to New York and everything will be fine. We made it this far, why are you giving up now? Do you not want me anymore? Did I do something wrong? I can fix it, whatever it is. I promise.” Kurt began talking so rapidly that his words were blending together.

Blaine pulled himself out of Kurt’s grasp. “Kurt,” he began, voice breaking even more as he said the name, “you did nothing wrong. I still want you.”

“Then why are you doing this?” Kurt whispered, doing nothing to staunch the tear rolling down his cheeks.

“I just think this semester might be easier for both of us if we don’t have to worry about maintaining a long distance relationship. This semester is really big for me. I have a lot of decisions to make and a lot of studying to do.” He rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand and looked down at the ground. “I have AP tests, finals, and the SAT to worry about. And Glee—we have a good chance to make it to Nationals again, so that will take up a lot of my time. Not to mention applying to colleges and figuring out what I want to do with my life.” Blaine ran a hand through his hair and lifted his eyes to Kurt’s. “What if I decide to go to college in L.A.? It’s been so hard to do this with only a few hundred miles between us. Can you imagine how hard it would be with an entire country between us?”

“We’d make it work. Please, don’t do this. I can’t lose you. I need you, Blaine.” Kurt took a step forward and grasped desperately at his boyfriend’s shirt.

“I know, Kurt. I feel the same way. But I think this is what is best for us. If I end up in New York next year and neither one of us has moved on, we can talk about getting back together.” He grasped Kurt’s face gently and guided his head up so that their eyes met. “Kurt, I will most likely end up in New York. It’s something I’ve wanted for a while, even before I met you. But I want to keep my options open and not worry about disappointing you if I end up somewhere else. I don’t want that hanging over my head when I make my decisions. And like I said, I’m going to have a lot on my plate during the next few months. I need to focus all of my time and energy into everything else I need to do. Can you understand that?” He pleaded Kurt to understand with his eyes.

Kurt looked hard into Blaine’s eyes and slowly nodded, tears still falling freely down his face. “I do. I understand the reasoning behind your decision, but can’t we just not talk as much and deal with the possibility of being in different places together?”

Blaine shook his head roughly. “This is what I want. Can you just give me this? I promise everything will work out for us if we are really meant to be together. We can still talk. I still want to be your friend. No matter what, we won’t lose each other. I just think it might be easier on us if we don’t have the romantic part of our relationship right now.” Blaine leaned towards Kurt and propped their foreheads together. “I will always love you. I just need us to take a break. Just for a few months. What are a few months if we could have the rest of our lives together? If we can get through this relatively unscathed, I think we will be able to get through anything together.”

Kurt closed the distance between their lips and kissed Blaine chastely. Then he pulled completely away from Blaine, nodded slightly, and turned his back to his boyfriend…ex-boyfriend?

Blaine stood lamely as he watched Kurt’s shoulders shake and his body wrack with sobs. It took every ounce of strength not to break down and refute everything he said if only it would stop Kurt’s tears. But he knew in his heart of hearts that they needed this and that eventually everything would be okay. So instead of negating everything he just said, Blaine simply walked over to Kurt and wrapped his arms around the boy from behind. He lay his head on Kurt’s back and let the tears and sobs take over his body.

Eventually, the pair moved to the bed and lay down, wrapping around one another and crying together. After a few hours, the boys had cried all they could and just lay together silently, Blaine running a soothing hand over Kurt’s back as Kurt traced circles on Blaine’s chest.

Kurt sat up suddenly. “I should go.”

Blaine shook his head quickly. “No, please don’t. Stay the night. Please?”

Kurt looked at Blaine skeptically. “Are you sure? You just broke up with me. Don’t you think that means I should leave your house? You obviously don’t want me here anymore.” Kurt stood and searched the room for his belongings. 

Blaine shot across the room to where Kurt was standing and put a hand on Kurt’s upper arm, the move stopping Kurt instantly, the same way it always did. “Kurt, stop. It’s not like I’m dumping you and want you out of my life. I still love you. I still want to talk to you and be in the same room as you. This is killing me, too. You know that. You’re upset and you’re trying to throw up your walls, deflect, and make me feel horrible for doing this. Even though I know this is the best thing for us, it’s taking everything I have not to curl up in the fetal position and cry for days.”

Kurt looked into Blaine’s eyes and nodded. Then his shoulders slumped and he let some of his weight fall into Blaine’s waiting arms. “I know. I know you don’t really want this any more than I do. But you know me. This is what I do. I try to hurt everyone else when I’m hurting. I lash out.”

Blaine rubbed a reassuring hand down Kurt’s arm. “I know, baby. That’s why I’m not letting it upset me too much.” He guided Kurt back to the bed and the two lay back down together. “I love you. I won’t ever stop loving you. But don’t let me stop you from moving on in New York if you get a chance you want to take. ”

Kurt stiffened. “What are you talking about?”

“Just because I’ll most likely be in New York after graduation and we’ll be able to be together, don’t refuse any dates if you’re genuinely interested in the guy. Don’t stop yourself from finding happiness just because there is a possibility of us being together again.”

Kurt shook his head rapidly. “I don’t want anyone else. Besides, it will take me way longer than six months to get over you, Blaine Anderson. Remember, I was ready to run off to New York and elope at Christmas last year. Those feelings don’t just go away in a few weeks. Even if you don’t want to be with me after graduation, it will probably take me years to be able to move on.”

Blaine chuckled softly. “I remember. Wouldn’t this all be so much easier if I had had a real ring and not just that silly gum wrapper one? Or would it be harder? Starting a marriage long distance would probably be even harder than what we’ve been doing.”

“I would still run to New York and marry you if that’s what you wanted,” Kurt whispered.

Blaine let a sob catch in his throat. “God, I want that so much. I would love to marry you. But this break really is what’s best for us. In time, you’ll see that I’m right. In a few months I’ll probably be in New York and we can pick up where we left off and see where life takes us.”

“I hope so. Blaine, promise me we won’t lose each other. Even if we’re just friends. I can’t even bear to picture my life without you in it at all.”

“We won’t lose each other. You are my best friend first and always. I don’t care what’s going on with us romantically; I will always be here for you.”

“I can still come to Nationals and to your Graduation, right?”

Blaine laughed outright. “Of course you can. I won’t be your only friend at either event, you know. But I still want you there. It wouldn’t feel right if you weren’t there to celebrate with me.”

Kurt nodded sagely. “Thank you.” A loud yawn escaped from Kurt. He quickly covered his mouth and blushed slightly.

Blaine chuckled and settled down onto the bed. “Come on, sleepyhead. You have a flight to catch tomorrow. Let’s get some sleep.”

Kurt curled into Blaine’s side. A few minutes passed in silence. “Don’t forget me,” Kurt mumbled as sleep overtook him.

A silent tear rolled down Blaine’s cheek. He kissed the top of Kurt’s head and ran a hand through his mussed hair. “Never,” he whispered back as he fell asleep with his arms wrapped around the boy he loved. Neither boy knew how long it would be before they were in that position again, if they ever were again.