After about twenty minutes, the floor becomes uncomfortable and Kurt stands, wiping furiously at the tear tracks on his cheeks. He looks at his bed and realizes that he had been in it less than an hour ago, getting fucked by Brandon. The sheets seem to mock him, soiled with lubricant and his own come. Anger still bubbling beneath his skin, he rips the sheets off, throws them on the ground, and kicks them under the bed. He flips off the lights with shaking hands and crawls onto his bare mattress.

Everything is cold and hard.

And empty. The room is so empty.

Kurt doesn’t know if Blaine will come back tonight and he hates that it bothers him so much. Usually, Blaine would either tell him he would be returning or that he’d be staying at Thomas’. Either way, Kurt hasn’t slept alone in a bed, any bed, in over a month. If Blaine didn’t come back, he’d sneak into Brandon’s room late at night and snuggle into his warmth. He hated sleeping alone now. He’d been completely spoiled.

That’s when the painful realization hits him; Kurt does the same thing that Blaine does.

If Blaine wasn’t going to come home, Kurt would turn to Brandon.

If Blaine was hanging out with Thomas after class, Kurt would turn to Brandon.

If Blaine went to a movie with Thomas, Kurt would curl up in Brandon’s arms and they’d watch a movie in one of their dorm rooms.

If Brandon was busy studying, Kurt would stay in with Blaine.

But he had never turned to Brandon when he and Blaine had an argument. Then again, they never really argued much. It’s a foreign, uncomfortable feeling that settles in the pit of his stomach when he notices how depressed he feels not knowing if Blaine will return.

Kurt hates it, he hates it so much. He hates how Blaine causes all of his emotions to jump to the most intense ends of the spectrum. With Blaine, Kurt’s never just happy, he’s ecstatic. With Blaine, Kurt’s never just mad, he’s livid with rage. With Blaine, Kurt’s never just sad, he feels like curling in the fetal position and crying for a week. Everything is so much more.

And god, when Blaine touches him, Kurt goes mad with desire. The word lust is an understatement and all he wants is moremoremore than he had a second before. Blaine takes him to a new high with every warm breath, every soft sigh, every single kiss.

Kurt bites his lip to keep his scream from sounding in their room. Through watery eyes he stares at Blaine’s empty bed and he remembers throwing Blaine’s pillow on the floor.

He slides out of bed and moves over towards the door in the dark. The soft, plushy pillow hits his foot and Kurt picks it up. He dusts it off.

And clutches it to his chest, burying his face into the cool material as the tears continue to pour from his eyes.

He’s been crying for the past half hour.

Sniffling, pillow still in his arms, he climbs into Blaine’s bed.

Everything is warm and safe and familiar here, Kurt thinks. Blaine is everywhere here. Curling around the pillow, Kurt tugs Blaine’s blanket up over his shivering body and up to his nose.

He wants Blaine to come back.

The door opens.

“Kurt?”

Relief floods through him and the tension falls away when he hears Blaine’s voice. Kurt cries loudly and he hears Blaine’s quick footsteps on the floor and then he’s there, he’s right there on the edge of the bed so Kurt twists his fingers into the material of Blaine’s pants and just holds on.

Blaine responds in kind, toeing his shoes off and sliding under the blankets. It’s like they’re holding the pillow together but Blaine reaches around it to pull Kurt closer. He presses his forehead to Kurt’s as Kurt smothers his cries into the pillow.

“You drive me crazy, sometimes, you know that?” Blaine says.

“The feeling is mutual,” Kurt whispers through his sniffles.

“I don’t choose him over you,” Blaine states. “But I don’t choose you over him either. I can’t. That’s – we can’t do that to each other.”

“But I made you mad and you ran back to him,” Kurt says brokenly.

“No, I didn’t. I went to the library. Because I didn’t want to be with him tonight, I wanted to be with you but you just – you made me so-”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt says softly.

“I don’t want you to be sorry.”

“I can’t – I get so scared that he’ll find out.”

“I know. And you get mad when you think I don’t take all of this seriously.”

“But I know you do, I know you don’t want anyone to find out either. There’s just – there are times when I can’t stop myself from – and I’m afraid you won’t-”

“No. Don’t even think that. You’ve got me, remember? You’ve got me.”

“Don’t leave me,” Kurt whimpers.

Blaine holds him tighter and he’s quiet for a long moment before responding.

“I can’t.”

“What do you want for your birthday?” Brandon asks him a week later during dinner hour.

“I…don’t know,” Kurt replies, a bit surprised at himself for not having an answer. There’s usually always something he wants, be it a renewed subscription to Vogue or a new Broadway soundtrack or a gift card to Macy’s. But his dad is already getting him the subscription to Vogue, Mercedes is buying him some soundtracks and even if he does get a gift card, he can’t go shopping until he’s back in Lima for summer where he doesn’t have to cart all of his clothes back and forth.

“Oh, come on, there’s gotta be something,” Brandon teases.

“I can’t think of anything, honestly.”

“Well, you’re birthday’s this Saturday, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well hopefully you can think of something before then.” Brandon kisses Kurt’s temple and leans in to whisper into his ear. “I just – I know you’ve never had a boyfriend before and I want this birthday to be special. I want to get you something I know you’ll really like.”

Kurt blushes when he feels Brandon’s nose tickle his ear. He smiles to himself because it’s a really nice gesture and he’s never had someone, besides his dad, attempt to make his birthday special at all.

“I don’t really need anything,” Kurt says quietly. “Just a few hours of nothing to worry about would be nice.”

“We’ll see,” Brandon says. “Let me know if you think of anything.”

From across the table, Blaine looks deep in thought.

Do you think you’ll be spending all night at Brandon’s on your birthday?

Kurt receives a text from Blaine in the middle of a class that they don’t share.

Maybe. I don’t know, I’m not sure what he has planned. Why?

The response from Blaine takes longer than usual.

Well I know this might seem like a lot to ask, since it is your birthday and he’s your boyfriend, but even if it’s really, really late…do you think you could come back to the dorm room when you’re done celebrating with him?

…You’re not planning a surprise party, are you?

No no no. Just…come back? Even late? Please?

Of course, I’ll come back.

Kurt pockets his phone and for the rest of the week, his mind is constantly trying to figure out exactly what Blaine is planning. Brandon continues asking him what he wants as a gift, sometimes asking more than once in a day. By Thursday, Kurt is thoroughly annoyed.

“Brandon. I know you’re just trying to make this special, but the fact is that I really would just like a quiet evening in; nothing to do, nothing to worry about. Finals are next week and this Saturday is going to be the last day I can sit down and do something besides study so I just…want some peace. Just for a little while.”

Taking the hint, Brandon backs off for the next two days.

Kurt is eternally grateful.

The morning of Kurt’s birthday, he wakes to the smell of hot coffee and fresh strawberries. He cracks his bleary eyes open and sits up, rubbing the sleep away from his vision.

Blaine sits at the foot of his bed, a large mug in one hand and a bowl in the other.

“Happy Birthday, sleepyhead.”

Kurt smiles despite his lazy body and scoots further down the bed.

“Thanks,” he says sheepishly.

“I’m glad you woke up,” Blaine says as Kurt takes the mug of coffee out of his hand. “If you’d slept any longer, I’d have had to leave all this on your desk with a very lame note.”

“Got plans with Thomas or something?” Kurt wonders, sighing in happiness as he drinks from the mug. “Wow, this is really fucking good coffee.”

“Thomas is home visiting his family for the weekend before finals. I’ve got to spend the day getting your birthday present ready!”

Kurt sighs. “Just like I told Brandon, there’s nothing I want.”

“You’ll like this. I promise. Or…I hope. Anyway. I’ve got to go.”

Blaine leaves over and presses a tiny kiss to Kurt’s sleep warm cheek. “Oh! And this showed up under the door while you were sleeping.”

An eyebrow lifted in curiosity, Kurt accepts the small piece of paper from Blaine.

“See you later, birthday boy,” Blaine calls over his shoulder with a wink as he leaves their room.

After he’s gone and the room is too quiet, Kurt unfolds the piece of paper.

Meet me in my room at 9pm. Roommate will be out. Happy Birthday, babe.

Kurt is sure to show up at Brandon’s room just as the hour hits nine. He tugs down on the new vest Carole had sent him in the mail for his birthday and knocks on the door.

“Come in,” a voice calls from inside the room.

Wary, Kurt opens the door slowly. The only light in the room emanates from a single candle on Brandon’s desk. The shocking reveal, however, comes from the fact that Brandon is laid out on his bed, naked, with his hands handcuffed to the headboard.

“Happy Birthday,” Brandon purrs from his spot on the bed.

“You – you – what?”

Kurt closes the door behind him and stares down at his boyfriend in…

Disappointment.

“I should probably say that your real present is the set of handcuffs,” Brandon explains. “But I figured they’d come in handy right now.”

Kurt clears his throat. “Oh?”

“Mhmm. Because I’m letting you do anything you want to me. Anything at all.”

“That’s – that’s really thoughtful,” Kurt says, hoping his smile doesn’t look as forced as it feels on his face.

“Come here,” Brandon says, waving him over with a finger above his head.

Feet feeling like lead, Kurt walks over to the bed and seats himself on the edge. His eyes travel along the length of Brandon’s body. He can’t help it, really. As…disappointed as he is that this is the best birthday present Brandon could come up with, his boyfriend is still completely naked on the bed and his dick is half hard between his thighs and Kurt is still very much attracted to men.

“D’you wanna touch me, Kurt?” Brandon asks is a low, gravelly voice.

Kurt nods, eyes unable to tear themselves away from Brandon’s admittedly very nice body.

“Well it is your birthday,” Brandon teases. “You can take whatever you want.”

Reaching out a tentative hand, Kurt strokes Brandon’s thigh, skin cool to the touch. The room is so dark, save for the light from the candle, and Brandon’s stomach muscles ripple as he shivers. As nice as it is to have someone laid out before him like a platter of delicacies, Kurt can’t help but think that…that he deserves more. He loves pleasuring Brandon, he loves touching his boyfriend and making him come. He knows that the ability to have this kind of effect on someone is a gift in and of itself but Kurt doesn’t – doesn’t want this. It’s his birthday and it had started off so well with Blaine at the foot of his bed and the coffee and the strawberries.

Now it feels…cheapened. Kurt feels cheap.

Was sex really the only thing Brandon could think of to use to make Kurt happy?

Was sex all they had?

“I can’t – I can’t do this,” Kurt whispers, biting back tears as he stands.

“What?”

“This isn’t what I want.”

“But you – you said you wanted-”

“A nice, quiet evening. I didn’t want you offering yourself up to me like a sacrifice.”

“Kurt, it isn’t a sacrifice. I want you to-”

“Well I don’t want to,” Kurt says flatly, finding Brandon’s blanket on the floor and pulling it up over his naked body. “Where’s the key for the handcuffs?”

“Kurt-”

“Where is it?”

“…In my desk drawer.”

With a nod, Kurt retrieves the key and unlocks the handcuffs. Brandon pulls his arms down and rubs at his wrists.

“It was a…thoughtful gift,” Kurt says. “Maybe we can put them to use some other time. Just not tonight.”

“I – I’m sorry,” Brandon whispers.

“Don’t be. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Kurt leaves with a quick kiss to Brandon’s forehead and the handcuffs in hand. The walk back to his dorm room is sullen and unhurried. His birthday has turned out to be lacking, leaving him hollow and sad which is definitely not how someone’s birthday should end. When he reaches his door, he slides the key in the lock and turns the knob.

What he sees on the floor of his room takes his breath away.

In the midst of his birthday disaster from Brandon, Kurt had completely forgotten about his promise to Blaine to return to the room later that night.

In the middle of his floor, Blaine sits on a pretty, plushy pillow. Candles are everywhere, on their desks, on the floor, atop the seat of a desk chair. Blaine’s face glows in the flickering flames and he’s barefoot, clad in pair of sweatpants and one of Kurt’s t-shirts, a soft smile on his lips.

“Happy Birthday, Kurt.”

Tears spring to Kurt’s eyes as he looks down at Blaine and the large, wooden tray full of finger foods and empty, stemmed glasses.

“You – this is what you were planning?” Kurt wonders in amazement.

“Yeah,” Blaine blushes in the candlelight. “You said you wanted a quiet night in and so – I just thought – I don’t know, is it too much?”

“No,” Kurt says quickly, moving around the tray and kneeling on a pillow next to Blaine. “It’s perfect.”

Blaine is still smiling and he makes to entwine their fingers.

“What’s this?” Blaine asks, prying Kurt’s hand open, revealing the set of handcuffs. “Oh. I…see.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Kurt mumbles, tossing the handcuffs under his bed. “I just want to enjoy this night with you.”

Blaine tears his gaze from where Kurt had thrown the handcuffs under the bed to look at Kurt’s face.

“I know you said you didn’t really want anything,” Blaine begins, complying with Kurt’s wish to ignore the issue with Brandon, “but I know you like it when your stepmom sends you those little dark chocolate candies. And I know they’re one of the only things you spoil yourself with so I got this brick of dark chocolate that looked really good at this local market.”

Blaine gestures to the large tray of food and that’s when Kurt really looks at everything; there’s the chocolate, crackers, French bread, grapes, blueberries, strawberries, three different blocks of cheeses, and –

“Cucumber sandwiches. I remember you eating them at prom and I saw how you kept sneaking back for more so I figured you must really like them,” Blaine explains, looking hopeful, like he’s terrified he’s made a huge mistake.

“They’re my favorite,” Kurt admits.

Blaine’s smile is brighter than the candlelight.

“And I got a bottle of sparkling cider,” Blaine adds, leaning over to reach under his bed. “I already opened it though, to make sure it tasted-”

Kurt turns and presses a gentle kiss to Blaine’s lips. “I love it.”

When he pulls away, Blaine looks rather surprised, as if he can’t believe he actually did something right for once.

“Cool,” Blaine finally replies with a goofy grin.

They stare at each other for a long moment, unwilling to move or break the spell that seems to have enchanted two teenage boys on a dorm room floor.

“So, um…what do you want to try first?” Blaine asks eventually.

Kurt and Blaine spend the next hour on those plushy little pillows, taking turns feeding each other fruit, cheese, chocolate, bread, and sandwiches. Blaine almost knocks over one of the stemmed glasses in his attempt to be suave and charming while pouring the cider, but they laugh it off and scoot closer together on the floor.

“So you picked all of this up today?” Kurt wonders, sucking off a bit of chocolate from his finger.

“Yeah,” Blaine says distractedly, eyes glued on the way Kurt’s tongue swirls around his fingertip.

“I can’t believe you took so much time to – just for me,” Kurt says.

Blaine’s eyes return to Kurt’s. “It’s your birthday,” he says simply.

“You really didn’t have to go through all this trouble, though. I would have been fine re-watching Moulin Rouge and cuddling on the bed.”

“I just wanted it to be special for you,” Blaine shrugs.

Kurt recalls those words, but he recalls them coming from Brandon’s lips at the beginning of the week during dinner.

Should it mean something when your lover is more thoughtful than your boyfriend?

Not that Brandon’s birthday present wasn’t thoughtful, Kurt argues with himself. It just wasn’t…thoughtful in the same way as Blaine’s present.

“I’ve got something else for you,” Blaine says, reaching into his pocket.

“No, you don’t-”

“I didn’t buy it. I didn’t spend any money,” Blaine says quickly.

Kurt still looks a little uncomfortable, but Blaine assures him with a smile and picks Kurt’s hand up. He slips something round and heavy into his palm. When Blaine slides his hand away, Kurt looks down to see…

An old pocket watch.

“What-”

“It was my grandfather’s,” Blaine explains. “He – he told me to give it to someone who means a lot to me whenever I found them. My grandmother held onto it for years because he had given it to her, because she was – was the love of his life, but when she died, he gave it to me.”

“And now…you’re giving it to me?”

Blaine nods. Kurt is speechless. He stares down at the pocket watch, turning it over in his pale palm. It’s old, probably from some kind of generational line or something. The worn gold of the outer shell feels too much in his hand, too heavy with meaning.

“Why are you giving it to me? Why haven’t you given it to Thom-”

Blaine puts his finger to Kurt’s lips to silence him.

“It doesn’t work anymore,” Blaine says quietly. “It stopped ticking.”

“But it’s still a family-”

“Open it, Kurt.”

Confused, Kurt presses the tiny button at the top. The lid flips open to reveal an old watch face with an almost imperceptible crack along the bottom. Blaine is correct; the watch has stopped ticking, the clock hands stuck on a single time.

4:36.

“I’m giving it to you because it stopped ticking at that specific time,” Blaine tells him. “On a specific day.”

“What day?”

“It was this past November. On the ninth.”

“What-”

“I had been hurrying down a staircase to an impromptu performance in the senior commons,” Blaine says softly. “At the base of the stairs, I was looking at it when it stopped ticking. And then…that’s when I heard your voice for the first time.”

Kurt’s eyes fly from the watch face to stare at Blaine in shock.

“It…when…”

“It stopped ticking the moment I met you.”