Courage is never letting your actions be influenced by your fears.
-Artur Koestler

Blaine doesn’t even want to look at his family later that same night; he isn’t sure what he’ll see in them anymore and he definitely doesn’t want them to catch on to the fact that he’s straying from the ideas they had so laboriously planted into his mind.

He’s quiet at dinner and he doesn’t ask a single question during Bible study.

When his mother asks if something’s bothering him, he simply lies and says that he has a stomachache.

He shouldn’t get used to this, this new habit he has formed. Lying isn’t a good Christian thing to do. Lying isn’t what Blaine does. In fact, Blaine has made a point in his life to always be honest with his parents.

But as he sits across from her at the table, she pours over the chapter of Leviticus with narrowed focus and he wants to scream.

“I’m going to go lay down,” he mumbles, snapping his Bible shut.

“We haven’t finish-”

“I don’t feel good,” he says, which isn’t a complete lie.

Because he doesn’t. He feels awful inside and he’s terrified that this feeling won’t ever go away. His body feels a hundred years old and his mind is so dizzy with contradicting thoughts that he barely remembers to turn the knob before opening the door to his room. He deposits his Bible onto his desk, the same way he does every night, and shuts off the light. Not even bothering to change into his pajamas, he crawls into his bed, shivering in the cool air from his open window.

He pulls his quilt up to his chin. When he closes his eyes, images of Kurt automatically glow on the inside of his eyelids.

Blaine misses him.

He doesn’t feel like praying tonight.

The very next morning, Blaine’s heart swells at the sight of Kurt at his locker. He has to restrain himself from hugging the boy right there in the hallway even though that’s exactly what he wishes he could do. Instead, he shuts his locker as quietly as possible, clutches his books to his chest, and shuffles over to stand next to Kurt.

“Hi,” he says softly.

When Kurt acknowledges his presence right away, a small, timid smile creeps onto Blaine’s face.

“Hi,” Kurt responds, snapping his locker door shut.

Biting his lip out of habit, Blaine stares down at his shoes. They’re a little scuffed. He’ll have to clean them when he gets home. His mother hates when his shoes are scuffed.

“You – you weren’t here yesterday,” Blaine says.

“I’m aware,” Kurt says slowly. “I wasn’t feeling well.”

Blaine nods. He thinks that Kurt is lying, but it isn’t really his place to call him out on such a thing, especially if the issue between them was the real reason Kurt had been absent from school.

“I hope you’re better,” Blaine whispers.

“Blaine,” Kurt says gently. “Look at me.”

His knees tremble and he doesn’t know why. He lifts his head anyway.

Gosh, if Kurt didn’t look fantastic today, Blaine’s mind reels, taking in Kurt’s ensemble. He’s got this vest over a tight white shirt and black jeans and oh wow, his eyes look so blue today.

“You’re still my friend, right?” Blaine asks in a panic, blurting the words out in a rush.

Kurt appears taken aback at the question. “Of course I’m still your friend. I think the real question is…do you still want to be my friend? Even after knowing everything you know.”

“I’ll always want to be your friend,” Blaine says. “Always.”

It’s true. Blaine has never had a friend quite like Kurt. Completely disregarding his sexuality and his lack of religion, Blaine has never felt more in tune with another human being. He has never been so close to another person outside of his youth group. His best friend back home, Skylar, was certainly a friend, a good friend. But he didn’t hold a candle to Kurt.

“So me being – being gay isn’t an issue?” Kurt asks as if he needs the affirmation.

“No,” Blaine says with a shake of his head. “You being gay isn’t an issue. I’m sorry that I – I still don’t understand a lot of things. But I’m trying. I’m trying really hard.”

“Blaine you don’t-” Kurt reaches out a hand toward Blaine as if he wants to touch his shoulder, but he seems to think better of the idea and drops it at the last minute. “You just have to be you. And we’ll figure it out.”

Blaine’s breath catches in his chest.

You just have to be you.

So why can’t he do that?

Wednesday after school, Kurt and Blaine accept their coffee orders from the Lima Bean. After Glee rehearsal, Blaine had asked Kurt if he wanted to accompany him back to their spot outside of town. The pretty field holds a special place in Blaine’s heart now, for reasons he doesn’t quite comprehend, but it’s just so peaceful there. He needs a little bit of peace in his life.

The ride to the field is mostly uneventful. Blaine drives because Kurt still doesn’t know how to get there and they spend most of the time discussing trivial things like tests and music.

When they get there, they realize they don’t have any blankets to lay down in the grass, so instead they prop themselves up on the hood of Blaine’s little car and stare at the clouds as they pass.

“Can I ask you about your mom?” Blaine asks, arms tucked under the back of his head.

“Um, sure,” Kurt says, though he sounds completely caught off guard at the sudden topic.

“I just – I don’t know why but I wonder sometimes…do you remember her at all? I know you said she died when you were young but do you remember anything?”

Kurt swirls the last bit of coffee around in his cup and sets it aside. “It gets harder to remember her face. But I – I still remember the way she smells.”

“The way she smells?” Blaine prompts.

“They say smell is one of the best senses for triggering memories. Or something like that,” Kurt shrugs. “We have this old dresser of hers. It still smells like her perfume. When I open the drawers it’s like bits of the past just…hit me in the face. I remember singing with her in the kitchen when we made cookies. I remember her in a yellow sundress at one of my tea parties. I remember her reading Jane Austen novels. And I remember the way her face lit up when she laughed at stuff my dad would say.”

“She sounds lovely,” Blaine says with a sad smile, eyes still on the sky.

“She was,” Kurt confirms.

“Do you – do you think she knew? About you, I mean.”

“About me being gay? I think it was a hard thing to ignore, really. My dad said he knew when I was three so I figure she knew too. If she didn’t know before my dad, I’m sure they talked about it more than once.”

“Do you think she would have accepted you?” Blaine asks.

“I think so,” Kurt says softly.

Blaine nudges Kurt’s foot with his own on top of the car. When Kurt looks over at him, Blaine throws him an encouraging smile. Kurt returns it.

“You’re lucky,” Blaine says, “to have such accepting parents. And to have Carole. It’s nice that they love you no matter who you are. Or what you believe.”

“…You don’t think your parents are the same way?” Kurt wonders.

Turning his eyes back up to the sky, Blaine watches the clouds drift slowly and silently. It’s a question he’s been struggling with a lot lately and he’s not too sure he has an answer.

“I don’t know,” he eventually says. “It’s different with them, I guess, because they are so religious.”

“My mother was a Christian,” Kurt informs him. “She went to church almost every Sunday. But she still loved me.”

“Your – your mom was a Christian?” Blaine asks because for some reason he hadn’t thought of this before. He remembers Kurt telling him that he went to Sunday school a few times when he was younger, but he hadn’t made the connection. His mind begins to race with ideas and worries.

“Yup,” Kurt confirms. “Church was just never my dad’s thing. Most of the time she went alone and my dad stayed home with me.”

But that isn’t what Blaine’s thinking about.

It destroys your life because it destroys any chance you have of getting into Heaven.

His mother’s words haunt him. Yes, he has realized that his mother doesn’t know everything about the universe. Yes, he knows that there are contradictions that he is struggling with and trying to comprehend but…

Heaven.

Kurt’s mother was a Christian and if she was as good a person as Kurt has described, she is most definitely there. She’s just there, beyond this life, beyond the gates and she’s probably smiling down on Kurt right now and Kurt won’t ever get to see her again.

“You’re quiet,” Kurt comments.

“Heaven,” Blaine blurts.

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, why does this always happen when he’s around Kurt? He wants to slap himself. Around everyone else, Blaine is calm and composed and he thinks before he speaks, the way anyone should. However, when it comes to Kurt, it’s like everything is flipped upside down and his filter malfunctions and he just spits things out and no, no, no.

“What about it?”

“Nothing,” Blaine says quickly, attempting to stave off the inevitable argument.

Kurt sits up on the hood of the car and angles himself to stare down at Blaine, who remains frozen in place.

“What about Heaven, Blaine?” Kurt asks firmly.

“I – I was just thinking about your mom,” Blaine admits. “And how if she was a Christian…well, you know. She’s in Heaven. It’s – it’s a nice thought is all. I mean they way you described her, she sounds amazing and it’s only right that she went-”

“That’s not what you were thinking,” Kurt says, face going blank.

“Yes, it is,” Blaine insists, though he knows the quiver in his voice gives him away.

“No. You were thinking about Heaven and how I’m not going there.”

“No, that’s not-”

“Fuck you,” Kurt snaps, hopping off the hood of the car.

Blaine sits up straight, ready to run after Kurt again if necessary. “Kurt, I wasn’t even-”

“That’s exactly what you were thinking. You were thinking that my mother’s in Heaven because she believed in God and you were thinking about how I won’t ever get to see her again,” Kurt says, shaking his head with a hard smile on his lips. “I can’t believe this. After – no.”

With that, Kurt abruptly turns and makes to walk away but Blaine jumps up and reaches Kurt before he even makes it to the trunk of the car.

“Please, that’s not-”

Kurt spins around, angry tears forming in his gorgeous blue eyes.

“Don’t you dare,” Kurt spits. “Just stop – stop lying to me. And fuck, if you would just – it’s like they’ve brainwashed you!” he yells. “It’s like you’re a part of this cult and no matter how many steps forward you try to take, you take a giant leap back and you – ugh! You just don’t get it. You just don’t get it, do you? I don’t believe in God! I don’t believe in God, Blaine! And I don’t believe in your fictitious world of Heaven and Hell with Earth in between! I don’t believe in any of it! My mother isn’t in your Heaven,” he says with a harsh bite and a furious face. “She isn’t in Heaven. She’s dead. She’s gone. And I’ll never see her again, never. And it has absolutely nothing, nothing to do with me being one of your stupid sinners because that’s a fact! So thank you for reminding me that she’s gone and thank you for being so careless as to bring it up! You don’t understand anyth-”

“Stop treating me like I’m stupid!” Blaine explodes.

His blood boils, his fists clench at his sides and this angry bit of frustration curls around his heart. Kurt blanches, face going pale. His jaw snaps shut immediately and he stares at Blaine as if he doesn’t have any idea who he is anymore.

“Stop treating me like I’m – like I’m some kind of invalid who can’t grasp basic concepts! Stop treating me like I’m a child who needs to be re-taught the ways of the world! Stop treating me like I’m an idiot!” Blaine shouts as tears begin to flow and he hates that he can’t stop crying lately, he hates that the tears keep coming. His throat closes but he chokes out his words because he can’t take this anymore. “S-stop acting like I’m stupid and don’t understand anything you say. Don’t t-talk down to me. I know I don’t understand everything, I know we don’t believe the same things but you can’t just – just do that. You promised you’d never mock my faith and you said that I just had to be me. You said that. And I can’t help it that I grew up learning something differently. I can’t help it that my parents raised me this way. But I believe. I believe in God and I believe in Heaven and Hell.”

Kurt stares back with unblinking eyes but Blaine can still see the shimmer of tears there.

“I don’t understand why you believe in a fairy tale,” Kurt whispers, voice dripping with desperation.

“Because it isn’t a fairy tale to me,” Blaine says brokenly. “Because I need to believe that there’s something more, something greater than just this. I need to believe that someone’s out there looking over me. Because some days…God is all I have left. When things are terrible, when I feel so lonely I could cry, when nothing – when nothing makes sense, I – I need to believe that there’s someone out there who cares about me.”

“Blaine,” Kurt says, “your parents love you. They care about you a lot.”

“Do they? Do they care about who I really am or do they just care about the son they raised to be a perfect, God-fearing little boy who participates in Bible study every night? Everything seems like a lie now, everything seems wrong and I can’t make sense of what’s up or what’s down or what’s bad. And I can’t talk to – I don’t have anyone else who understands so God is all I have left.”

Kurt takes a step forward. Blaine watches him through blurry eyes as Kurt rests one hand on his cheek.

“He isn’t all you have,” Kurt says. “You have me, too.”

Kurt’s fingers on his skin and the genuine, loving look in his eyes causes Blaine to snap.

He rushes forward, sins be damned, shoving Kurt against the back door of his car and he slams their mouths together in a desperate, needy kiss. He presses so close, so close, so close he can feel the heat of Kurt through his clothes. Blaine digs his fingers into Kurt’s hair at the base of his neck, pulling him even closer, begging for more of Kurt’s lips, Kurt’s tongue, Kurt’s hands on his body. Kurt holds Blaine to him with firm hands around his back and Blaine’s hips instinctively jerk up against Kurt’s when Kurt swirls his tongue in Blaine’s mouth. Blaine can’t stop it, he can’t stop kissing, he can’t stop wanting and he can’t stop the moan that escapes his lips when he feels himself harden against Kurt’s hip bone.

But then he can’t breathe because it’s so hot, too hot, too fast. He breaks the kiss.

He feels Kurt’s breath on his lips.

Sobs wrack his body so forcefully, cries replacing moans and Blaine’s legs give out beneath him. He falls to ground, Kurt falling with him. He curls into Kurt, clawing at his chest and burying his face into the crook of Kurt’s neck.

Everything is falling apart.

“I’m here,” Kurt whispers into his hair.

“But you shouldn’t be,” Blaine weeps. “You shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here.”

“Everything’s going to be okay,” Kurt attempts to assure him.

“No it isn’t, nothing’s right anymore,” Blaine says, deep, painful cries causing his body to shudder and his chest to ache. “I shouldn’t want this, I shouldn’t want you.”

“It’s okay to want things, Blaine.”

“It isn’t okay to want this,” Blaine breathes against Kurt’s neck. “It isn’t – how – how can something so wrong feel so right? I don’t understand, I don’t understand any of it. Why do I – why do I want this? Why am I like this? Why?”

“Because, silly,” Kurt says softly, pressing a kiss to the top of Blaine’s head, “God made you this way.”

I think I've brought everything we need,
So don't look back,
Don't think of the other places you should have been
It's a good thing that you came along with me.

Gold in the air of summer,
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer.

-Kings of Convenience, “Gold in the Air of Summer”