I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy.
-Franz Kafka

Sadly, Blaine cannot find it in his heart to return to the friendship he had once shared with Kurt. Two weeks have passed since the break up and it’s still painfully difficult to look Kurt in the eye. They barely speak at school now and they never meet up for coffee or anything outside of classes. The most they ever speak is during Glee club, and that’s usually only when the entire group is having some sort of debate.

It’s terrible because he doesn’t know if Kurt is simply giving him space or actively avoiding him because he’s too pissed to speak to him.

Blaine hadn’t realized just how big of a part Kurt had played in his life until he’s just not there anymore. What’s worse is that…Kurt is there. He’s right there, just a few locker doors away but Blaine doesn’t know what to say.

The only way to escape Kurt’s presence is to either stay at home or be in church.

Being at church doesn’t help all that much, considering all he thinks about during the sermons is Kurt and how he used to ask Blaine to recite Bible verses from memory.

When he’s at home, he just feels like he’s going insane.

Especially tonight.

“How’s school going?” his father asks at dinner.

“Fine.”

As if his parents think he’s blind, they share a pointed look across the dinner table. Blaine keeps his head down as he pushes a pile of mashed potatoes around on his plate.

“How are you friends, sweetheart?” his mother asks.

“They’re fine.”

“Blaine…your mother and I are worried about you. You’ve barely been eating and you don’t go out with your friend Kurt after school anymore. All you do is sit in your room.”

Blaine shrugs.

“Have you ever thought about maybe going out on a date with one of the girls from school?” his mother asks. “I think a few of them go to our church. Going out might get you out of this little funk you’re in.”

“I’m not in a funk,” Blaine says defensively.

“Then why have you been holing yourself up in your room? We haven’t had Bible study in over a week, honey.”

“We’ve been having Bible study every night since before I knew how to read, mom,” Blaine sighs. “I don’t think there’s anything left to study.”

“There’s always more to study when it comes to God’s word, Blaine,” his father says.

“I’m tired of doing the same thing every single day!” Blaine snaps. “It’s always the same thing! I go to school, I come home, we eat dinner, we have Bible study. On Sundays, we go to church, we come home, and then we talked about what we learned in church. For lunch, I have the same kind of sandwich every day. Why is it wrong to want to switch up the monotony a bit? I understand that you guys are super set in your ways, but I’m a teenager. I need change.”

“You need stability,” his father says gruffly. “Without it, teenagers are prone to falling into bad crowds and bad habits.”

“I’m not saying I want to go out and get drunk and do drugs,” Blaine states. “I just don’t feel like doing Bible study every single night.”

“If you want a bit of change, sweetie, why don’t you go out on a date?” his mother presses.

“Why do you keep forcing that issue?” Blaine wonders. “You started doing it last year back in Missouri. Why is that so important to you?”

His mother looks taken aback when Blaine addresses her comment.

“We’re not stuck in the stone age,” she says simply. “We know how important dating is to a teenager’s life.”

“Well maybe there isn’t anyone I’m interested in,” Blaine points out. “The dating pool isn’t that fantastic at McKinley. And back home, everyone felt like a sibling considering we’d all grown up together.”

“What about Quinn Fabray?” his mother asks, looking far too excited for his own peace of mind. “One of her mother’s friends goes to our church. I realize Quinn and her mother are a different denomination, but I met her once and she seems like a very humble, sweet young girl.”

Unable to think about his mother trying to set him up, Blaine snorts in disbelief.

“Yes, mother, she’s very humble.”

“You should ask her to dinner or-”

“Humble enough to get herself pregnant last year,” Blaine adds flatly.

Blaine takes great enjoyment in watching his mother face crumble. Her hope for a possible girlfriend for her son dies on her face right before his eyes.

“Well,” his father says, “that’s unfortunate.”

“Surely there must be – there must be someone else you’re interested in,” his mother prods. “We came here so you could have a fresh start a-”

Blaine’s eyes narrow. His father’s eyes widen and his mother’s hand covers her mouth. His gaze flits back and forth between his parents.

Puzzle pieces begin to fit themselves into place.

“That’s why we moved?” Blaine asks incredulously. “We moves to Ohio because I didn’t – didn’t have a girlfriend?”

“We were worried about you, Blaine,” his father attempts to explain. “All of your friends were dating and you weren’t. You were hardly showing any interest in any of your female classmates. We thought you were suffering from some kind of – of stunted, underdeveloped social growth because we were living in such a small town and there was no one new-”

“I can’t believe this,” Blaine grumbles, dropping his fork and cringing as it clatters loudly on the plate. “So all that stuff about wanting a change of scenery – everything you told me – none of that was true?”

“We thought it was what you needed, sweetie,” his mother says.

He glares at her. Her tone of voice sounds pitying and it’s nearly degrading to his sanity.

“Maybe what I really need is for you both to back off.”

“What in the world has gotten into you?” his mother asks, a bit frightened. “You’ve never given us attitude like this. We raised you right.”

“Just leave it,” Blaine huffs. “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“There’s obviously something wrong,” she says, “otherwise you wouldn’t be moping around all day or speaking to us like this.”

“Did you ever think that maybe you’re the last people I want to talk to about anything?” Blaine asks. “Do you ever stop and think that I’m not a little kid who thinks his parents have all the answers? Do you ever realize that you’re not God and that I don’t have to tell you everything? I don’t have to answer to either of you anymore.”

His parents fall silent at his words. The clock in the hallway is ticking far too loudly and a headache begins to throb inside his skull.

“We aren’t God,” his father finally says in a deadly tone. “But we’re still your parents. And you had best remember that we can punish you if you ever speak to us in that tone of voice ever again.”

Blaine wants to make some rebellious, snappy statement. Instead, hot tears begin to well in his eyes, the angry ones that refuse to be swept aside until they’ve formed tear tracks on your face.

“Blaine, honey-”

“May I be excused?” he asks, voice scratchy.

“No, you may not,” his father says decisively. “You will sit there and you will eat the food that your mother has taken time and effort to cook for you.”

Blaine doesn’t say another word. He eats the food on his plate, which has gone cold and tastes like ash on his tongue.

He has never feared God or the Devil as much as he fears father in this very moment.

That next Sunday at church, Blaine is offered another solo in his church choir. He’s never been more thankful for something to occupy his thoughts for a week.

By the time the day of his solo rolls around, Blaine’s just about ready to chop off his mother’s hands. If she tries to straighten his tie one more time…

“Mom, my tie looks fine,” he says, batting away her hands outside the doors to the church.

“I’m sorry,” she says with a smile. “I just get so excited for you when you get one of these solos.”

“Well your excitement doesn’t need to filter over to my wardrobe. Just – just go inside and sit with dad. I’ll see you later.”

Once she finally disappears inside, Blaine finally has a few seconds to breathe. His mother has been hovering since their argument at dinner last week; she keeps bringing snacks up to his room after school, she’s always asking him how his day is, and she’s constantly asking him if he wants to go out shopping for random things. He knows that, on some level, she means well. But at this point in his life, all he wants to do is scream at her. Or strangle her. Or just run away and start anew.

Ten minutes later, he’s standing in front of the congregation with the small band behind him while their pastor introduces him and everyone applauds. It’s silly, really. It’s not like they don’t already know who he is.

The music begins and Blaine closes his eyes. He absolutely loves this song.

He only feels a little bit guilty when he starts to sing because the song really should be about God.

But to him, it just isn’t.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long

I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Blaine opens his eyes, staring above the crowd in the pews because there’s no reason to look at them. This song isn’t for them. This song is for the boy he still loves.

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You all that I've done

Are You done forgiving
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh –

He almost falters in the lyrics when he catches a glimpse of familiar, coiffed brown hair in the very last pew at the back of the church.

I hear You say
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real

The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend

Well my love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

His eyes aren’t deceiving him. Kurt is sitting alone in the very last row, eyes never leaving Blaine on the small stage that doubles as a pulpit. Their eyes lock and Blaine doesn’t even pretend like he’s singing to God anymore.

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heart-ache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends, mmmm

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

The song ends and there’s a small, polite applause. He allows a smile to stretch across his lips but then he sees Kurt stand and exit through the doors. Blaine hurriedly sets the microphone down and rushes out the side door, exiting through the back door of the church and around the building.

Kurt isn’t there.

His car isn’t in the lot.

Blaine falls to his knees, praying, quite literally, that he hadn’t imagined seeing him in the church. The ground is hard on his knees through his thin slacks. The bright sun mocks him overhead.

He can’t do this anymore. He can’t live this life, he can’t be this person. The one boy who understood everything about him had driven away without a single word, without another glance.

The ground is too painful now.

So this...this is what rock bottom feels like.

“Are you okay?”

Blaine’s bleary eyes turn away from his locker and upward to stare at Kurt. This is the first time in weeks that Kurt has directly spoken to him. Blaine had desperately wished he had the courage last week to ask Kurt if he had indeed been at the church service for Blaine’s solo but he never found it. He had allowed the incident to fade from his mind.

“I’m fine,” Blaine says, focusing on his combination lock once more.

His stressed, sleep-deprived mind can’t seem to remember the combination. Kurt crouches down next to him, an action that must be some incredible feat considering how tight his pants are today. Blaine mentally slaps himself for thinking about something so trivial.

“You look like you haven’t slept in a week,” Kurt comments, shooing Blaine’s hands away and opening the locker door for him.

“Thanks,” Blaine mumbles, grabbing the textbooks he needs before slamming the door shut again and standing up.

Kurt straightens up as well. “I know we – we haven’t spoken much lately.”

“Or at all.”

Hanging his head, Kurt continues. “I’m still here for you if you need to talk.”

Blaine sighs and leans heavily against the row of lockers. He doesn’t even have the energy to speak right now, but he falls into a safe, peaceful place at the sound of Kurt’s voice.

“I need coffee,” he eventually croaks out.

“Classes are about to start.”

“I don’t care.”

Kurt looks at him for a second longer and then gives a sharp nod of his head. Not even feeling a little bad about skipping classes, Blaine follows Kurt out of the school and to his car in the parking lot. Without a word, Blaine hops into the passenger seat and Kurt drives them to their usual coffee shop.

“I don’t want to stay here,” Blaine admits. “Can we go to our spot?”

Instead of claiming their usual table, they order their coffee to go and drive all the way out to their favorite spot by their field. Blaine doesn’t remember the drive; all he remembers is the taste of coffee and the soft lull of the music on the radio.

Kurt parks the car and kills the engine. The silence that settles between them isn’t weird. There’s no pressure to speak, there’s no rush. They have all day.

Once the caffeine finally gives his brain an artificial boost, Blaine opens his mouth.

“I miss you.”

Well.

That wasn’t supposed to come out.

“I miss you, too.”

“Are you mad at me? Is that why you haven’t been talking to me?” Blaine asks and he wishes he could sew his lips together because this whole saying what he’s thinking thing could potentially be very dangerous.

“What?” Kurt asks breathlessly. “No! No, that’s – no. I just figured that you, you know, needed time to yourself. I thought you needed time to figure out your life.”

“My life sucks.”

“…Why?”

“I found out a few weeks ago that the real reason my parents moved to Ohio was because they thought I was socially stupid due to the fact that I didn’t have a girlfriend.”

Kurt blinks rapidly, as if he can’t believe what he just heard.

“They uprooted our entire lives because I wasn’t going on dates,” Blaine says, shaking his head. “My mom tried to set me up on a date with Quinn.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No. I quickly destroyed that dream when I told them she got pregnant last year.”

“Yeah, that’s definitely one thing that’ll dissuade the parental units.”

“I’m tired of everything,” Blaine admits, head falling back against the seat. “I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of pretending. And now I’m beginning to realize what Rachel’s dad was talking about.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt wonders.

“He was talking about how miserable he was when he was trying to be someone he wasn’t. He tried to convince himself that it was a phase. He lied to himself about who he was. And now I see exactly what he was talking about.”

He turn his head to face Kurt, to take in his beautiful face and his eyes that match the color of the stones on the rosary he had purchased so long ago.

“It isn’t just about you anymore,” Blaine says. “I thought I was protecting us when I broke up with you. I thought I was sparing you from all of this until I could handle it. But it – it wasn’t about you. It’s not just about loving you or wanting to be with you. It’s about me. It’s about me pretending that time would fix everything.”

“I don’t understand,” Kurt says softly.

“I didn’t break up with you because I was afraid when your dad found out. I didn’t break up with you because I was afraid of Finn or anyone from school finding out. They don’t matter. I broke up with you because I was afraid of my parents and what they would do. I thought the only way I could – could preserve us was by never letting them figure it out. It was only because of them.”

“So you…you still want to be with me?”

“I wanted to be with you that day in the parking lot. I didn’t want to let you go. I never wanted to let you go. I just – I thought that I’d find the courage to eventually tell them before things became this bad. But now I realize that, without you, things are absolutely horrible.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Kurt says, voice cracking. “I didn’t know you were having such a hard time.”

“Every day,” Blaine breathes harshly, as if pained, “every single day it gets harder to look them in the eyes. Time isn’t helping like I thought it would.”

“Time can heal a lot of wounds,” Kurt says gently. “But sometimes it can only stave off the inevitable.”

“What if they hate me?” Blaine wonders, eyes frantic and tearful. “What if they don’t want anything to do with me? There’s nothing left for it. There’s nothing else to do. I have to tell them. What if they-”

“Then you will come and stay at my house until we can figure something out. I won’t let you go through this alone.”

“I can’t do that to your-”

Kurt cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “It’s not even an issue.”

“Will you come with me? Will you be there when I tell them?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Please,” Blaine begs. “I can’t do this alone.”

“Then I’ll be there. Of course I’ll be there,” Kurt says firmly. “When do you want to tell them?”

“When school’s over.”

“That’s…still a few weeks from now.”

“I know,” Blaine nods. “I just – I need to get in the right frame of mind and I’m just not there now.”

Kurt gives a small smile and reaches his hand out, covering Blaine’s that clutches his empty coffee cup.

“I’ll be here with you. I’ll be here every step of the way if you want me to.”

“I don’t want to let you go again,” Blaine says.

“So don’t.”

Blaine gives a shaky nod. He’s never felt so weak and powerless in his life. But Kurt pries one of his hands from around the coffee cup and gives a firm, supportive squeeze.

“I didn’t imagine it,” Blaine says out of nowhere.

“Imagine what?”

“You were there,” he continues, “that day in church. When I sang.”

Kurt tilts his head, confusion evident in his eyes. “When we met each other?”

“No, last week. You were sitting in the back row.”

“Blaine,” Kurt says slowly, “I didn’t even know you had a solo. How would I? I haven’t talked to you in weeks.”

“…Right,” Blaine nods tiredly. “I guess – I guess I was imagining it.”

“You imagined me in church? Listening to you sing?”

“I haven’t been sleeping well,” Blaine says, trying to explain the incident away.

Blaine doesn’t even know what to think about that whole situation now. He thought he’d seen Kurt there, in the back row, watching his performance. Their eyes had met and Blaine thinks he remembers seeing Kurt smile.

Maybe he really was just delirious from lack of sleep.

However, when he falls to sleep later that night, he remembers a Lily of the Valley on his nightstand appearing a few months ago.

And he had never found an explanation for that either.