Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”
-Matthew 14:31

The party is loud and filled with a disgusting amount of pizza, a Sound of Music sing-along, and various rounds of karaoke. Even Rachel is tolerable, despite wanting to sing every other song, and Kurt finds himself relaxing next to Blaine on the floor against the couch.

Kurt is extremely thankful that the meeting between Blaine and his father had been short and succinct. There had been no embarrassment, no awkward questions, and no suspicious glares from his dad. Blaine looks perfectly at ease now. He smiles as Santana and Brittany perform a duet, tapping his knee in time to the beat. It’s all very quaint and while Kurt is enjoying himself, he can’t stop himself from glancing at Blaine every few seconds. He still looks fantastic in his outfit and Kurt wishes he could reach out and hold his hand. He wishes he could sit a little closer, could close the gap of space between them, and rest his head on Blaine’s shoulder.

He respects Blaine’s struggle and his confusion. He respects Blaine but he just – he wants this to be more.

Kurt feels terrible about it, he hates that he wants, hates that he craves a little bit more. It shouldn’t matter that their friends don’t know about them. It shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks because Kurt knows that Blaine still loves him but he…just wants to be able to show it.

“You look bored,” Blaine whispers into his ear as everyone applauds Santana and Brittany.

“Not at all,” Kurt says with a strained smile.

“Can you show me where the bathroom is?” Blaine asks.

“Yeah,” Kurt says, following Blaine’s lead and standing up. “It’s-”

“We get it first!” Santana announces just as Kurt is about to show Blaine down the hall.

She drags Brittany away and leaves Kurt and Blaine in their wake. Kurt blinks rapidly and decides not to question the fact that they enter the bathroom together.

“I guess I’ll show you the one downstairs in my room,” Kurt says finally.

Blaine follows Kurt away from the party, down into the basement and into Kurt and Finn’s room.

“Wow,” Blaine says. “Your room is awesome.”

“I redecorated when Finn moved in,” Kurt says, gesturing to Finn’s side of the room. “I’m sure you can tell which side is mine.”

“I’m assuming it’s not the side with all the dirty clothes.”

“You’d be correct,” Kurt says. “The bathroom’s right there.”

“Thanks.”

Blaine disappears into the little bathroom and Kurt sits on the edge of his bed, waiting patiently. The music is loud overhead and Kurt can clearly hear Rachel belting a song through the open door.

He feels…kind of stuck, like his life has come to an abrupt halt. Kurt is happy with Blaine, there’s no denying that fact. But he just – he doesn’t know anymore. He wants the hand-holding and the long, adoring glances to be enough. He wants this to be enough because he doesn’t want to ask Blaine for anything he can’t give. However, the newness and the secrecy have worn off.

“Is that your mom?” Blaine asks quietly, seating himself next to Kurt.

“What?”

“In the picture,” Blaine says, nodding to a picture on Kurt’s nightstand.

“Oh. Yeah.”

“May I?” Blaine asks, reaching out his hand.

Kurt plucks the little picture frame off the table and hands it to Blaine. Blaine holds the frame with reverence, as if he’s terrified he’ll break it, and a slow, serene smile appears on his face.

“She’s beautiful,” Blaine whispers.

“Yeah,” Kurt agrees. “She was.”

“You look like her. Especially the eyes.”

Kurt gives a soft smile and lowers his head.

“Now that we’re alone, can you tell me what’s wrong?” Blaine asks.

Shrugging, Kurt takes the picture from Blaine and places it back on his nightstand.

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“Kurt,” Blaine says, reaching for his hand. “Please tell me. You’ve been kind of…distant this past week. Maybe longer, I don’t know. But I can tell something’s not right.”

“It’s nothing you need to worry about,” Kurt says.

“Well, not knowing is making me worry plenty.”

Taking a deep breath, Kurt pulls his hand away and stands up.

“I don’t want you to be mad,” Kurt says. “And I don’t – I don’t want to ask you for something you can’t give me.”

“What’re you talking about?” Blaine asks warily.

“I – I don’t,” Kurt stutters. “Please don’t make me say it. Please don’t – I don’t want to sound like a bad person.”

Kurt attempts to cross his arms but Blaine catches his hands and pulls him closer. “There’s no way I would ever think that about you.”

A shuddering breath rattles in Kurt’s chest and he squeezes his eyes shut. “I – I know you’re not ready,” Kurt whispers. “I know you’re not ready to make this public. I know you’re not there yet and I understand that. But I can’t help – can’t help wanting more.”

“More of what?” Blaine simply asks.

“More than this,” Kurt says, brushing his thumbs over Blaine’s knuckles. “I love holding your hand and I love sitting next to you. I love just being in the same room as you or looking at you but there are times when I want to – to-”

“To what, Kurt?”

“To kiss you,” Kurt admits. “I haven’t got to kiss you since before we really…got together. And then there’s that, I don’t even know if we’re together. I know that you love me and I know that I love you. But while you’re confused about yourself, I’m…well, I’m confused about us. I don’t know if I even have the right to ask if I can kiss you. And I don’t just want to kiss you, I want – I want to touch you and hold you and not even really in a sex kind of way. Well, I mean that’s there but I can’t help it, I’m a teenager and I think about it sometimes but it’s not the only thing I want. I wish I could hold your hand in public or at least, you know, act like a couple but then I hate myself for wanting that because I know you’re not ready and I completely respect that but I can’t help thinking about it and-”

“Kurt,” Blaine says forcefully and that’s when Kurt realizes that he’s been rambling.

Kurt never rambles.

Fuck, his hands are shaking. He tries to pull them away out of Blaine’s grasp but Blaine is definitely not having that. Blaine tightens his hold on Kurt’s hands and pulls him even closer.

“Sit down,” Blaine says.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt breathes, sitting heavily on the bed next to Blaine.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Blaine says, shaking his head. “I’m pretty sure it’s, you know, human nature to want to be closer to the person you care about.”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Kurt explains. “I don’t want to do something you don’t want me to.”

“How do you know I don’t want you to kiss me?” Blaine wonders.

“…What?”

“It’s not something we’ve talked about,” Blaine shrugs. “And you’re right, I’m not…quite ready to go public with any of this. Maybe soon but just – just not yet. But Kurt…if you honestly think I don’t want to kiss you, well, you’re crazy.”

“But you’ve never…I mean, besides a long time ago, you’ve never kissed me. Or tried to.”

“Well considering the only time we’re ever really alone is in the car, no, I haven’t,” Blaine points out. “People can see through car windows.”

“But we go to that spot by the field all the time and we’re totally alone there.”

Blaine shifts nervously on the bed but he never releases his hold on Kurt’s hands. He’s got this troubled look on his face and his palms begin to sweat.

“Blaine?” Kurt prompts.

“I get scared,” Blaine admits softly. “I get scared that we’ll start kissing and then I – I won’t be able to stop. And it’ll turn into…more.”

“Well,” Kurt says with a shrug, “if we’re together and whatever happens is consensual, I don’t see why we’re obligated to stop.”

“Kurt,” Blaine sighs, “premarital sex is against my religion.”

Kurt stares blankly. He’d been so wrapped up in his own hormonal assault that he hadn’t even considered the possibility that Blaine might actually adhere to that rule. Kurt’s heart plummets at the thought. He just – but he – he can’t touch at all? He can’t touch his boyfriend? They can’t mess around like half the other teenagers he knows? He’s being denied this one, normal experience?

Okay. Okay. He realizes that sex isn’t the most important thing and that plenty of people actually wait until marriage to, um, consummate their relationship or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with that. He respects those who choose to wait.

Personally, however, Kurt doesn’t agree with it. He doesn’t want to wait. He wants to touch, he wants to feel, he wants to enjoy everything but he wants to enjoy it with Blaine.

Oh god.

Staring at the cross around Blaine’s neck, he realizes he’s just been cock blocked by Jesus.

“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” Blaine says, looking concerned.

“I – no. No, I just…hadn’t thought about it.”

“I didn’t mean for this to be some kind of shock for you or something. Like I said, though, it’s just what I was raised to believe.”

“Right,” Kurt nods dumbly. “It’s cool. Okay, I mean. It’s okay. I can…respect that.”

Unexpectedly, Blaine looks at Kurt with a great deal of amusement. Completely confused, Kurt lifts an eyebrow and stares back.

“What?” Kurt asks.

“I don’t think I made myself very clear,” Blaine says. “It’s something I was taught. I never said it was something I agreed with.”

Oh.

Wait.

What?

“What?”

“I was taught that premarital sex was wrong because sex itself is primarily supposed to be used to make children. When my parents told me how children were made, it was something along the lines of ‘when a man and woman are married and love each other very much’ as opposed to just saying ‘when a man and woman love each other very much’. I know it’s supposed to be between two people that love each other, but I was always taught that marriage was the main factor. It’s just one of those norms, you know? But last year,” Blaine explains, “my friend Skylar, the one who found my journal, he – he had sex with his girlfriend after a dance.”

Kurt’s eyes widen at the tale. That must not have ended well.

“I was the only one he ever told,” Blaine continues. “I remember when I – when he told me, I was so scared for him. I mean, we had the same friends and I knew his parents. I knew exactly how they’d react if they all found out. I asked him what happened exactly and he told me that they ended up doing it in his dad’s car, of all places. They used a condom, though. To be honest, I couldn’t tell you where he picked up condoms considering everyone knows everyone in that town and if he walked into a store and bought some, that bit of information would have been all over the place. He said they did it because they loved each other. And you know, I remember how they were around each other; they were so sweet and just – it was disgusting, really,” Blaine says with a small laugh. “They’re still together. She didn’t get pregnant. They still love each other. I don’t know if they ever did it again because he was pretty freaked out after it happened that one time. Anyway, I thought about sex for a long time after that. Not like – like that, just, I mean, wondering if it’s really that big of a deal.”

“And…what did you decide?” Kurt asks, maybe sounding far too hopeful.

“For a long time, I started wondering if love alone was enough to validate sex, rather than both marriage and love. Admittedly, I was only thinking about sex between a man and a woman at the time. But I just figured, you know, God didn’t smite Skylar and his girlfriend for having sex. He didn’t punish them with pregnancy or anything else they weren’t ready to handle. Now, I don’t believe in having sex for the sake of sex outside of a relationship. I know that – that other people might not believe the same things as I do and it’s definitely not something I’ve ever mentioned to anyone else because I know other people don’t agree. But, if you’re in love and it’s consensual, I don’t see why you can’t express your love in that specific way. At least…that’s how I’ve begun rationalizing it in my head, especially when it comes to you.”

Mouth agape, Kurt wants to cheer internally. Blaine has been struggling so very much with his sexuality and he’s had so much trouble coming to terms with who he is. It’s nice to find out that Blaine was able to reconcile a personal belief with his religion in the past because it gives Kurt hope for their future.

One day, maybe soon, maybe not, Blaine will be completely okay his sexuality. Maybe one day, Blaine will be comfortable with telling the world that he’s in love with another boy.

Until then, they’ve got each other.

Kurt sighs in complete and utter relief.

“Thank god,” he mutters.

“The only downside to this,” Blaine adds, voice soft and sad, “is that I’m a hypocrite.”

“Wait. What? Why would that make you a hypocrite?”

“Remember when I told you that I blackmailed Skylar so that he’d keep quiet about what he read in my journal? Well…that’s what I used against him,” Blaine says.

“You told him that you’d tell everyone about him having sex with that girl if he told anyone about what he read?”

Blaine nods miserably. “I don’t – I don’t even believe in what I held against him.”

“Blaine,” Kurt says. “You did what you had you to do to make sure he kept his mouth shut about your personal life.”

“It’s just another thing to add to the list of stuff I’ve done wrong,” Blaine concludes, lowering his head.

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Blaine. You’re just trying to live your life and come into your own.”

“It’s hard to believe that coming into my own would ever mean making out with you,” Blaine says with a small smile, one Kurt can barely see.

“Wait,” Kurt says, backtracking. “So…you do want to kiss me?”

“More than you know.”

“And you’re not against premarital sex?”

“Like I said, it’s not something I personally believe in.”

“So…can I kiss you?”

At that, Blaine finally lifts his head, but only just enough to where he can look up at Kurt through his long, lovely eyelashes. Kurt’s eyes widen because good god, he has never seen Blaine look at him like that before.

“Do you want to kiss me?”

Yeah, and Kurt’s definitely never heard Blaine’s voice go that deep.

“So much,” Kurt breathes.

And suddenly, that last hurdle is gone, that last bit of confusion breaks down and they both reach for each other at the same time. Kurt’s hands fly to Blaine’s face and he feels Blaine grip his shoulders as their lips meet in the middle. Oh hell, Kurt had forgotten how sweet Blaine’s lips had tasted. It’s been so long and Kurt is so fucking thankful that he finally brought up this subject because Blaine’s tongue feels amazing against his. At the moment, he can’t remember why they weren’t doing this before. This boy was born to kiss.

There are no more reservations. They’re alone on a bed in Kurt’s room and Blaine sighs so beautifully into his mouth that Kurt’s instantly hard against his jeans. He pushes Blaine down onto the bed and it’s like every wet dream, ever instance of sexual frustration has culminated and twisted into this very moment. He grinds against Blaine, lips never parting and the kiss becomes messy and rough, all teeth and tongue and spit. Blaine grabs his ass and good lord, where had this Blaine been hiding? He’s been so meek, mild, and timid.

Kurt supposes that time really does take a toll.

“I wanna be your boyfriend,” Blaine whispers breathlessly against his lips. “I’ll be your boyfriend.”

Oh thank fucking god, that last question is finally answered.

“I love you,” Kurt says, pressing his hips down, grinding against Blaine’s answering hard on.

“Love you, too,” Blaine says before pulling Kurt’s face to his once more.

The music from the party beats above their heads, reverberating through Kurt’s ceiling and the walls, sinking into his chest as their tongues duel for dominance. Kurt tugs on Blaine’s hair, causing the boy below him to gasp and tilt his head back. Kurt’s lips latch on to the tendon in Blaine’s neck that he had been eyeing the other day and oh holy – he tastes positively divine.

“Kurt! Blaine!”

A voice that doesn’t belong to either of them calls down into the basement through the open door.

Kurt leaps off Blaine, quick as a shot.

“We’re coming! I was just showing Blaine my collection of Broadway musical soundtracks on my itunes!” he yells up the stairs.

“Well, hurry! Rachel won’t let anyone else sing karaoke!”

After a few moments of silence, she seems to be gone and Kurt shoots Blaine a worried glance, but Blaine just blushes and combs his fingers through his tousled hair.

As they adjust their clothing and head up the stairs to rejoin the party, Kurt understands that he’s been blessed. He and Blaine do rather well together when they talk out their differences and he’s extremely thankful for anything and everything Blaine is able to give him.

He can’t wait to discover what other secrets Blaine Anderson holds.