It wasn’t just that Blaine’s heart was broken. Admitting that the relationship was over was admitting defeat. It was giving up everything that he had planned for his future; their future. Together. He had made mistakes. Blaine was more than willing to admit that he was partly at fault for what happened to them. But he had tried. God, had he tried so hard. Tried so hard to take back the mistakes, to learn from them. He thinks that maybe he’s never tried so hard at anything in his whole life. Not at school, or at pleasing his father, or even his career. Blaine knows that if he tried half as hard at auditions as he did at fixing the irreparable cracks in their relationship that maybe he would have booked a lot more jobs. Hell, maybe he had of booked more jobs then they wouldn’t have even been in this position in the first place.

There is no denying that the first place Blaine lays blame here is himself. As he sits and watches Kurt move through the apartment, packing up his work space and putting books and things into box, he was desperate to ask, “What didn’t I do? What could I have done differently?” but he doesn’t. To he honest, he doesn’t really want to know the answer. And even more, he knows it will cause another fight and he really doesn’t want to fight with Kurt anymore. Every conversation they have now turns into a fight. Blaine knows that it’s best to stay quiet. He stands in the doorway of the bedroom for a long time, watching. Just watching. Even after five years, he is still amazed by the grace at which Kurt moves through space. It’s almost as if the atmosphere around him moves so that he can pass through with ease. It’s beautiful. Kurt is beautiful.

As Kurt pulls his cellphone from his back pocket to a text, his long and slender fingers quickly typing back a reply, Blaine knows that Kurt is the most beautiful man that he will ever see. The most beautiful person he will ever see. Five years, and success, have made the beautiful man he fell in love with that much more perfect. His tall slender frame has built up more muscle mass, his body is stronger and leaner than it was at twenty-three, and he walks straighter, with confidence that is well-earned and not arrogant. While Blaine looks at his husband, Kurt looks at his phone and Blaine doesn’t think about the person, can’t think about the person, on the other side of that phone putting the brilliant smile on his face. A smile that reaches Kurt’s eyes in a way that Blaine hasn’t seen in longer than he cares to admit.

There are a million things that Blaine wants to say right now. He has so many questions to ask. Like why Kurt isn’t fighting to keep the apartment and if he wants to split the CDs and DVDs. Or if Kurt has found another place. But the only thing he really wants to know is why Kurt decided to stop trying. Why Kurt won’t admit that he had made mistakes too; tell him that he needs to take ownership of his issues. He want to cry and scream and hit things, maybe even hit Kurt. Blaine wants to call him a coward for running away from him, from this; from their problems. He wants to know what is so special about Kurt that he can just decide their marriage is over and not even try. He also wants to say “I love you” and beg Kurt to just stay and talk to him. Blaine wants to kiss him with every ounce of passion and desperation that he has in him.

Instead he settles for “Do you need help taking your stuff to the car?”

It comes out quiet and raspy, like Blaine is on the verge of tears and doing everything in his power to keep them in. Kurt looks up at him, as if he’s just remember that Blaine is even in the room, and pockets his phone.

Blaine doesn’t even recognize the look that Kurt is giving him. It’s a mix of sadness and pity and something else he can’t place. There is an awkward half smile on his face and no love in his eyes. It is a look that Kurt has never once given to Blaine. Ever. It causes Blaine to let out a shaky breath as he pushes off the wall and moved to pick up one of Kurt’s boxes.

“Thanks,” Kurt says softly before looking away and busying himself with closing the last of his bags and filling his arms with stuff to bring down to his car.

The two of them made the three small trips from the apartment to the car in complete silence. Kurt doesn’t so much as look at Blaine while he loads boxes in his car and Blaine moves around him, as if pulled there by some kind of gravitational force.

Once everything is fit neatly in to Kurt’s Passat, the broken couple walked back up the apartment together for the last time. They stood awkwardly in the living room for a minute, both looking at each other and trying not to look at each other, before Kurt broke the stillness, walking over to the large plush chaise they had picked out together to grab his messenger bag. Kurt pulled a grey file folder from the bag and placed it on the coffee table. Blaine didn’t need to open it to know exactly what it held. It was at that moment that he was no longer capable of holding in his emotions. Blaine walked the three feet to where Kurt was standing and crowded into his space.

“Please stay?” Blaine whispered, placing a hand lightly on Kurt’s cheek and gripping his hip with the other. “I love you, okay. You don’t have to do this.”

And before logic could set in and Blaine couple stop himself, he tilted his head up and kissed Kurt. It was soft, slow. Kurt could taste the wet saltiness of the tears running down Blaine’s face. He kissed back for a nanosecond before he thought better of it and gently pushed Blaine away; his hands forceful but soft on Blaine’s shoulders.

“Don’t make this harder than it needs to be,” Kurt said, letting go of Blaine and walking to the door, stopping with his hand of the knob. “I promise that I am always going to love you.”

Blaine followed his husband’s path to the door as Kurt turned the knob slowly and opened it. Crossing the threshold, Kurt stopped and turned around to find Blaine behind him, on hand in his right front pocket and the other holding onto the door.

“Goodbye Blaine,” Kurt said, placing a hand on Blaine’s cheek and wiping a few tears away with his thumb; his hand lingering for perhaps a second too long. Kurt dropped his hand and turned away from Blaine, who watched the love of his life walk out of it forever.

When Blaine heard Kurt’s footsteps on the stairs at the end of the hallway, he closed and locked the door; turning at looking at his silent apartment. It felt empty and suffocating at the same time. Blaine mentally cursed that file folder. He thought about hiding it. At least if it wasn’t in a place he could seen then it wouldn’t feel so bad, but he didn’t even want to go near it right now, let alone touch it. He thought about pouring a really strong drink. Or putting on some music and crawling into bed. He wanted to scream and cry and break things.

Instead he settled for wrapping himself in a blanket and curling up on the couch; their couch that smelled like Kurt. His couch.

He settled for silence. For the ache in his chest that felt like it was ripping him in two. For hurting.

APRIL 2017

Kurt Hummel is most certainly not in the mood to party. He is not in the mood to party for three reasons: the first is that he has had a spectacularly crappy day at work; second is that he is not really a fan of his step-brother’s friends; and third is that Finn’s graduation and job offer are just more reminders that Kurt has done absolutely nothing to advance his career. In the year since he finished his degree in Fashion Design and Marketing, Kurt Hummel has scrapped two entire collections (and possibly soon a third) and secured himself a delightfully dull job selling orthopedic shoes to geriatric hippies in the East Village. In all honesty Kurt doesn’t hate his job. The people who come into the store are nice, if few and far between. Which is actually why he kind of likes his job; the down time. He’s positive that no other job would pay the rent and provide him with enough downtime to sketch. It also doesn’t hurt that it’s so close to the two bedroom he shares with Finn; not an ideal living situation.

Kurt likes their apartment; sort of. Sometimes. He likes the apartment when the people above them aren’t stomping around and when the people next door aren’t fighting. And he especially likes the apartment when he can’t hear Finn screwing his girlfriend of the month, loudly, in the bedroom across the hall from his room. Which is never. But living with Finn isn’t terrible. It’ better than trying to find a place he can afford on his own or living with someone he doesn’t know. And he may be nearly twenty-three but at least living with Finn means his father doesn’t worry as much about him. And for as much as he complains about his apartment, there is no place he’d rather be at the moment than in his bed. Instead, he’s going to have a couple of drinks, tolerate Finn’s college friends, and try to have a little bit of fun. Why? Because Kurt Hummel is a good brother; a good friend.

Two drinks later Kurt’s tolerance for his company is wearing very thin. Kurt’s sexuality hasn’t been an issue with Finn in a very long time but it seems to be an issue with his friend Artie, who’s made more than one homophobic comment to Kurt, though Kurt isn’t so sure Artie realizes that they’re homophobic. On a better day, Kurt would have said something. On a day he wasn’t already so exhausted he doesn’t even want to speak. So instead, Kurt takes his things from the table and moves over to the bar where a guy with too much product in his hair is trying to flirt with the bartender. Trying and failing because the bartender, Kurt’s friend Santana, is dizzyingly in love with her girlfriend and no longer seems to register when someone is flirting with her. One more drink, Kurt decides. One more drink and then I will go home and sleep until Saturday. So he calls Santana over and instead of taking his order, she calls out to someone at the other end of the bar.

“Baby face! Come here a ‘sec”, she hollered and then turned to Kurt. “I want you to meet the new busboy and part time entertainer.”

When Kurt looks over at the approaching body he sees the most stunning boy he’s ever seen. The boy, the man, in front of him has beautiful dark curly hair; short and controlled in a way that doesn’t look over styled or full of product. He is wearing the biggest smile, a smile that reaches his hazel-green eyes, which are only accentuated by the light olive of his skin. Kurt is a little breathless as his eyes trail down the stranger’s body; his gaze stalling momentarily on his toned arms before following the rest of the way down his body to his very lovely hands and small waist. Kurt is only vaguely aware that Santana is speaking to him. That is until she smacks him in the back of the head.

“You didn’t hear a word I said did you?” she said with just the hint of a smirk in her voice.

“I …what?” Kurt said as he rubbed the part of his head that Santana’s palm collided with. Kurt really should have listened to what she was saying to him so that he could know what this gorgeous man’s name is. He should be listening now. Lucky for Kurt, he tunes back in just in time.

“ …said was that this is Rachel’s cousin Blaine,” Santana repeated. Rachel? Kurt thinks,Right, the girlfriend. Santana is now gesturing to Kurt. Kurt who can’t stop thinking that Blaine really is a lovely name. “Blaine this is Kurt –“

“Kurt Hummel,” he said, interrupting Santana and reaching his hand out. “Blaine …?”

“Oh …Anderson. It’s Anderson,” Blaine offers, wiping his hand on the towel attached to the side of his small apron. Kurt can’t help himself from thinking that even Blaine’s voice is charming.

“Well it is very nice to meet you Blaine Anderson, cousin of Rachel.” Kurt thinks that part of his brain might be trying to flirt with Blaine right now while the rest of it tries to remember how to breathe. Blaine really is attractive. And probably straight, he thinks. Which is when Santana opens her mouth again.

“You two should hang out, get coffee or something.”

Blaine is the first one to speak.

“Yeah I …I mean sure. I have to go up on stage but I finish in an hour if you’re up for it.” And Blaine is looking right at Kurt, again, with those kind eyes and that toothy grin.

“Sure, I’m up for it,” Kurt said and immediately regrets it. He really wishes he could have used a better combination of words. “Yes. Coffee.”

“See you later Kurt Hummel,” Blaine says, walking backwards in the direction of the stage, untying his apron and placing it on the bar.

“Oh Hummel, that was bad.” Santana lets out a small chuckle as Kurt turns and glares at her.

“Please tell me he’s gay and not just really nice.”

“No baby, I just introduced you because I hate you and like to see you squirm.”

“Santana,” Kurt says through gritted teeth and she laughs. Kurt could kill her. He really is going to kill her.

“Yes Porcelain, baby face over there is gay. So keep it in your pants. Or you know …don’t.”

Santana giggles, winks, and then blows him a kiss as she walk back to the other end of the counter to do her job. Kurt decided that maybe he doesn’t hate her after all. Plus, he kind of likes her like this; happy. Silly. Fun to be around.

Nearly an hour later finds Kurt sitting in the same place at the bar, his drink long since finished, and watching Blaine has he moved about. He’s clearing tables and moving through the bar with ease. He smiles at everyone, even the drunk frat boys who are kind of assholes. It amuses Kurt to watch how the women in the bar swoon when Blaine walks by them. As he watches, Kurt thinks about the way Blaine’s hands held his guitar while he performed. How his fingers gently plucked the strings and danced on the fret board. Kurt thinks about the way Blaine sings. The way his eyes emote almost more than the soft power of his voice. His voice which is rich and smooth. Kurt thinks he could listen to Blaine sing forever. He thinks he could be very happy listening to Blaine sing for the rest of forever. He doesn’t notice Finn’s presence until he’s saying “Dude” and snapping in front of Kurt’s face.

“Sorry Finn …what did you say?”

“Are you okay dude? You sort of zoned out there.”

“Yeah I’m fine. What’s up?”

“Oh well …I think the guys and I are going to head over to Sam’s for a little Madden,” Finn says cautiously and Kurt thinks he’s maybe afraid of what Kurt’s reaction is going to be. “You’re totally welcome to come.”

“No Finn, it’s fine. Go have fun with your friends. I’m leaving soon anyways.”

“Are you sure? Because I can stay or we can at least wait until you leave.”

Kurt really is glad that him and Finn have a good relationship now. And Burt would be pleased that he’s looking out for Kurt so much.

“Go. I’m a grown man. I can take care of myself. I will see you late or tomorrow. I’ll make you some congratulatory bacon. Sound good?”

“Cool!” Finn says, patting Kurt on the shoulder. He turns to leave and calls over his shoulder, “See ya later bro!”

With Finn gone, Kurt sets out to continue watching Blaine has he moves through the bar. Except that Blaine is nowhere to be found. It’s not as if the bar is very big or there are a lot of people in it. But none of the people Kurt sees are Blaine. He’s about to leave when he, out of the corner of his eye, he sees Blaine coming out from behind a door at the back of the bar. The first thing Kurt registers – or well, the second aside from Blaine’s smile – is that his clothes are different. Different and maybe not what Kurt would ever suggest he wears, but it’s refreshing to Kurt to know that Blaine at least has personal style – dark wash jeans, cuffed at the bottoms, with a fitted black polo and a red cardigan with the sleeves pushed to his elbows.

“Hey Kurt, sorry to keep you waiting,” Blaine says and Kurt tries to interrupt him but he really does love the sound of Blaine voice so he promptly shuts up and lets him keep talking. “I saw you talking to that very tall person and figured I would change and then come find you.”

“My brother,” Kurt says and Blaine only looks sort of confused. “The tall guy. It’s my brother Finn. So do you want to …?”

Instead of speaking, Blaine simply nods with a toothy smile. Kurt takes that as his cue to lead the way out of the bar and into the cool but nice April night.

“So brother huh? It must has been nice growing up with a brother.”

“Oh we didn’t …he’s not …we’re stepbrothers,” Kurt stammers and really, he could kick himself. “Our parents got married when we were sixteen.”

Kurt would see that Blaine looked a little startled; unsure of what to say next. So he finished the story that, at this point, he’d told more times than he could count.

“We both grew up in single parent homes. My mother passed away when I was seven and Finn’s father not long after he was born. I set my dad up with his mom in our sophomore year of high school and the next year they were married.”

It registered with Kurt, and with Blaine, that they had walked by three coffee shops already but neither really wanted to pause the conversation so they kept walking.

“Have you always gotten along so well? I seemed as if he was kind of protective of you.”

Kurt chuckled fondly, thinking about the development of his relationship with Finn before he answers.

“Not at all. It was tense for a while. Everyone knew I had a crush on him in high school. How could I not really? He was the good looking football player who was actually nice to me. That was a big deal to me back then, Finn being nice, because no one else really was. Back then …Finn was different. He started to really care about his reputation so then being connected to me complicated that for him. He let it complicate things. But he stepped up when the bullying got really bad so I think that protective instinct. My dad would be proud though. He only ever wanted us to be close, which we are. Hell we share an apartment. And oh my god I’ve just been talking. Please interrupt me.

Kurt looked over at Blaine who was just watching him. Watching and listening like he was genuinely interested in what Kurt was saying. Something about his eyes made Kurt think that he really did want to hear about Kurt’s life.

“It’s fine. I think it’s really sweet that you two have a good relationship now. I’m sort of envious that you had sixteen years of being an only child. I have and older brother and an older sister. Plus I grew up with Rachel – that’s my cousin – always around growing up. And then when my parents sent me to private school and joined glee club, I suddenly felt like I had twenty more brothers.”

“You went to private school?”

“Yeah New York is great but I grew up a few hours upstate and they were not so friendly to the small gay kid who liked to sing. When it got really bad my parents sent me to private school in Connecticut.” Blaine paused and thought about how lucky he was. “Where did you say you were from?”

“About the least glamorous place ever – Ohio,” Kurt said with a small laugh. Blaine thinks that Kurt’s laugh my be the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard. “So it looks as if every place is full of college students cramming for finals. Do you maybe want it to –“

Blaine interrupts him before he can say anything else and what comes out sounds more than a little disappointed. “Oh well we can reschedule or something.”

“No,” Kurt said, faster than maybe he should have. “I just mean that we could get our coffee to go and then go to my place.”

And wow, Kurt thinks. That sounded forward. Forward is not something that Kurt Hummel is. And he especially doesn’t invite someone he just met to go to his apartment. He thinks that maybe he should clarify.

“I just mean that I …I really want to keep talking to you.”

Blaine smiled, another honest smile that made his eyes sparkle, and Kurt does his best to cover that he’s suddenly breathless.

“I really like talking to you too, Kurt.”

And so they got coffee. Blaine insisted on getting biscotti despite Kurt swearing that he would most certainly not be touching it. By ten p.m they were walking into Kurt’s apartment. Kurt gave him a small tour – there isn’t much to show – before they settled on the plush couch. The two of them mirroring each other – each curled up with their backs to the arm rests, cradling their coffee cups.

The conversation between the two flows. Perfectly. Kurt have never experienced that kind of ease of conversation with someone before. He learns that Blaine’s siblings’ names are Michael and Andrea – “Andrea Anderson?” “She hates it.” – and that his parent’s names are Mitchell and Elise. Blaine tells him about going to an all-boys private school and glee club. Kurt lets Blaine talk. A lot. He spends a lot of time watching the way Blaine’s mouth moves when he speaks. The rise and fall of his Adam’s apple. He watches the way Blaine’s body moves as he leans over and places his empty coffee cup on the table – should he offer Blaine something new to drink? He is transfixed by how animated Blaine is when he speaks. He moves his hands with his words as if conducting a symphony. Kurt doesn’t think he’s ever seen such beauty in the way someone speaks.

But Blaine doesn’t monopolize the conversation. He asks Kurt questions that he never though to ask Blaine. Kurt thinks that maybe, just maybe, Blaine really wants to get to know everything about him in just this one night. They talk about Kurt’s experience in school and with his glee club – Blaine can’t help mentioning his envy over Kurt’s glee club winning a National title; something Blaine’s never did. They talk about Kurt’s vocal range, something he’s grown to be really proud of. Blaine asks question after question about fashion school, and Kurt is sure that he doesn’t entirely understand the answers Kurt gives him. Which, if he’s being honest, only makes Kurt like him more because Blaine looks really interested. Kurt asks Blaine about school – he studied Theatre and Music at NYU and he’s graduating this year. He goes on a lot of auditions but doesn’t get much but he gets a couple gigs a week playing at bars and jazz clubs.

They talk about everything. Kurt tells Blaine things about himself that he’s sure he hasn’t even told Finn. They share stories about growing up and college. Kurt talks about his best friend from back home, Mercedes, who moved to California after graduation. He hasn’t seen her in a while. Blaine tells him stories about Rachel, stories that Santana hasn’t told him, and Kurt finds her scary. He’s also sort of alarmed at how much he sees himself in those stories. He doesn’t tell that to Blaine. Maybe he will, one day, if they remain in each other’s lives. Kurt really hopes they do. It’s not until Finn comes home – sober, which surprised Kurt a little – that he realizes it’s almost two in the morning. The last five hours have flown by and Kurt feels as if he’s known Blaine his whole life.

“I should …I should get going,” Blaine says, looking over at the clock then to Finn and then back to Kurt. “Do you maybe want to get lunch tomorrow. Or well, later today?”

Kurt’s face immediately forms into a rather large smile and he can feel his cheeks turning red under Blaine’s gaze but forgets to be embarrassed by the intensity of it. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

“Great so I’ll pick you up at 12:30?”

Kurt smiles and nods as an answer as he walks Blaine to the door. He knows that Finn is watching them so Kurt simply says “See you tomorrow” before closing and locking the door. When he turns around, Finn is watching him with curious and protective eyes.

“Who …you’ve never brought someone back here before. Have you?”

“His name is Blaine, Finn. We met tonight. His cousin Rachel is Santana’s new girlfriend. We just had coffee and talked.”

“Okay, I just worry about you that’s all.”

“I appreciate that but I’m an adult and can, in fact, take care of myself. I can also date.” Kurt tried to keep the smile from his face but it’s a lost cause. Knowing he is going to see Blaine again in a few short hours has Kurt walking on a cloud.

“Well be careful. I’ll see you in the morning,” Finn says as he walks to his room, calling over his shoulder “Remember, you owe me bacon!”

Kurt throws out the long forgotten coffee cups and turns the living room lights out before going into his room. He quickly washes his face and changes his clothes before climbing into bed smiling – something he thinks he’ll be doing for a long time.

Kurt Hummel doesn’t think he’s ever been in love. In fact he knows it. Not the kind of love he saw when his dad would talk about his mother. Or the kind of love he saw between his dad and Carol on their wedding day. Certainly not the kind of love he saw growing up in musicals. Sure he dated around and had a serious – sort of – relationship in college. Kurt Hummel even had a whole year of hookups when he was a junior at FIT. But Kurt Hummel has never really been in love. And as he lays in bed, trying to fall asleep, he thinks about Blaine Anderson. He thinks about the eagerness at which Blaine listened to his stories. The elegant dance of his hands as he told stories to Kurt. The unmistakable twinkle in his eyes as he told Kurt about the first time he performed on stage.

Kurt Hummel has never been in love but he thinks, just maybe, he could fall in love with someone like Blaine Anderson. With Blaine Anderson.