April 28, 2012, 4:08 a.m.
Perfect Porcelain: Chapter 18: Kurt
M - Words: 2,019 - Last Updated: Apr 28, 2012 Story: Closed - Chapters: 23/? - Created: Feb 29, 2012 - Updated: Apr 28, 2012 679 0 4 0 0
The days are hard and confusing. Kurt is constantly torn between trying to get better and fooling the whole clinic, so he can go back home. A few times he follows Evan's advice and drinks a lot of water before he has to step on the scale. Other days he shows them his real weight and he forces himself to eat a bit more during the meals and 'snack times'. His weight changes constantly, but he's mainly gaining little by little. He doesn't tell Evan, because he's embarrassed, but tries to focus on Blaine instead. He won't let that skeleton kid tell him he's weak, while he's the one that surrendered to his illness. Kurt wants to prove he's stronger than that. Even if he doesn't feel strong.
It's hard to talk to Blaine about the conversations he has with the therapists. He's bad at explaining what they discussed, because he honestly can't remember much once he's back in his room. He mainly shuts down his emotions and thoughts, so he can be honest and not hold himself back from speaking the truth. He goes through the days like he's dreaming. Sleepwalking from his room to therapy sessions, to the dining room, back to his room..
Emily has been nice to him and Kurt hasn't gotten lost since Evan showed him around. The building turned out to be smaller than he thought it was. Kurt meets the other patients from his hallway, which is apparently called Unit 2. The units are groups of eight to ten people, so the environment feels safer for the patients, Kurt learns. The unit you stay at, is also the group for your group therapy. Emily turns out to be in charge of Unit 2.
His second full day in the clinic, Kurt gets his first individual therapy session with a psychiatrist. The woman tells him to call her Cameron - She never mentions a last name, just like the nurses. The first ten minutes, Kurt quietly sips at the plastic cup with water she put down for him. The scent of her tea drifts into Kurt's face.
"Kurt." He flinches slightly at the sound of Cameron's voice after the silence.
"Y-Yeah?" He blinks and squeezes the cup a bit too hard, so it makes a cracking noise.
"Tell me about the things that make you happy. They can be anything. People, clothes, music, flowers, scents.. Anything." She smiles at him and clicks her pen, ready to write down his answers.
Kurt stares at her, taken aback by the sudden, unexpected question. He expected a rant or questions about his body. So it takes a bit longer for him to come up with the right answer.
"Well.. Blaine, my boyfriend. He makes me really happy. And.. er.. My dad.. Memories of my mother, the scent of spring, freshly washed clothes, sale when I have money, Disney movies, Broadway musicals, singing, star gazing, cuddling.."
Kurt bites his lip and stares into his almost empty cup, while he waits for Cameron to finish writing down his answer. When she lays down her pen, Kurt looks up to find her looking into his eyes.
"I will write these things on a big piece of paper, so you can hang it up on the wall, to remind you why you're here, what you want to get back and enjoy. Positive things are important and you shouldn't forget them. We will look at your bad behaviour and obsessions, but without happy things, you can't fight them."
Kurt nods, slightly speechless. He returns his gaze to his water, feeling a bit exposed and vulnerable. He doesn't exactly know what to say.
"Alright. So, you have a boyfriend. Blaine, wasn't it? Tell me about him."
Kurt dares to take another sip of his water, before speaking again.
"Blaine is perfect. He's beautiful and kind. The most accepting, amazing person I have ever met. I miss him a lot. I'm here to make him happy. Because I think I made him unhappy with my behaviour."
Cameron nods and writes something down. "How do you know Blaine?"
Kurt's cheek flush a soft pink at the question. "I.. I was checking out the competition of my glee club. He was the lead singer of my competition. We talked afterwards and I just.. I opened up to him, because he has this.. way of calming people down, make them feel comfortable and accepted, no matter what you did. I told him about the bully at my school. We tried to make the guy stop, but it got worse. I ended up transferring to Blaine's school, because the bully threatened to kill me."
Cameron frowns, but remains silent, patiently waiting for Kurt to continue his story.
"We.. We were friends, even though I had already fallen for him. And after some strange events, including a dead bird, he realized he loved me back. So we got together. And now we live together, in New York."
Cameron nods and smiles at him. "I'll probably ask more about that dead bird case later. It sounds oddly romantic." She takes a few sips from her tea. "So, you want to get better for Blaine?"
Kurt nods, shifting his legs a bit. He stares at his cup again. "It makes him sad. My.. obsession.."
"Tell me about your obsession and why you think it makes Blaine sad."
"I.. I want to look.. better.. for Blaine.. I just wanted my body to look less.. wrong.. I have a pear shape. My hips are huge, you see. And I have this round, ugly baby-face and fat legs.. My belly is swollen and disgusting, my ass wiggles when I walk, there's fat hanging down my arms.."
Kurt bites his lip and fights the urge to cry. He has never told anyone his thoughts so truthfully and blunt. It hurts to think and talk about it so openly. To focus on what's wrong with his body. Subconsciously, Kurt squeezes the fat on his upper leg. He suddenly feels three times as big as a minute ago. He wonders if that means the therapy fails or works. It doesn't feel good, though.
"I know I can tell you you're far from fat, but you won't believe me, will you, Kurt?" Cameron asks gently. Kurt shakes his head, staring at his knees. "So, I'm not going to waste our conversation time on that."
Kurt looks back up, confused and impressed by her way of dealing with him. With his.. mindset. It makes him feel comfortable, though. So he smiles at her and nods, ready for her next question.
When he slips back into his room, there's a noise in the bathroom. Kurt's eyes widen, when he realizes it's the sound of someone throwing up. He rushes to the small bathroom and finds Evan on his knees, in front of the toilet, coughing and panting. Kurt bites his lower lip and then kneels down next to the trembling body. He softly touches Evan's arm. The boy flinches and looks at Kurt, his grey eyes wide and teary. With a small smile, Kurt takes a piece of toilet paper and wipes Evan's mouth and chin.
"Kurt.. What are you doing?" Evan's voice is a bit hoarse and weak.
"Cleaning you up. Taking care of you." Kurt replies, still smiling.
Evan blinks and stares at him, but remains quiet, while Kurt gets up and fills a plastic cup with water. He hands it to the boy, who uses the water to rinse his mouth, his expression still confused. Then, Kurt reaches out his hand, which Evan takes, letting Kurt pull him back up onto his feet.
"Kurt, I don't understa-"
"Sht.." Kurt softly presses his finger against Evan's lips and then pulls him into a slightly awkward hug. He's not sure if it's a smart move, especially because Evan is obviously straight and Kurt normally has issues with trusting and physical contact. But he just has a feeling it's what Evan needs – someone who comforts him, cares about him and listensto him. Someone who doesn't just tell him to eat, but tries to make him feel better. Happier. The way Blaine treated him. And even though Blaine is his boyfriend, Kurt thinks it should be okay for him to do this for Evan.
The boy doesn't attempt to push Kurt away. He freezes at first, but then starts to tremble more, soft sobs reaching Kurt's ears, his arms suddenly around Kurt's waist and his face buried in the oversized sweater Kurt chose to wear this morning.
"Kurt.. I'm sorry.. I know I shouldn't- I just.. I'm so fucked up, Kurt.. I'm sorry.."
"I know.. I know.. You're right to apologize, but you're just sick. Like.. Like me.. That's why we're here, right? I just.. I need you to stop purging, okay? It's really, really bad for you. Don't you want to get out of here? Get happy? This isn't the way, Evan. It's just not. I want to.. I want to believe in myself again."
Kurt doesn't know where the positive words come from. For a moment, he feels like Blaine is just talking through his mouth. It feels good to think about Blaine, though. So he smiles again and lets go of Evan, his hands remaining on the boy's shoulders.
"Look. Instead of making this a competition in fooling everyone as good as we can, we should.. help each other. Support healthy progress. What do you think?"
Evan shrugs weakly, looking away. "I don't know. I don't think I can.. give up on this."
"You can." Kurt instantly replies. "You can and you will."
"When did you become so.. caring and.. healthy?"
Kurt chuckles softly. "To be honest, I've always been a health freak. But my.. my friend, Blaine.. He's ridiculously positive, caring and forgiving, which seems to be contagious behaviour. He's also slightly naïve. Anyway, I want to show him I'm still strong, like I used to be. I want to.. I want to stop being so self-destructive. Will you please support me and let me help you? I can't do this alone and Blaine is in New York."
Kurt feels slightly guilty for not just coming out and telling Evan the truth about his relationship with Blaine. But for some reason, it feels like a really bad idea to tell someone you're gay, right after you've been hugging them tightly. To him, at least. So he decides to refrain from mentioning he has a boyfriend for now.
Evan fidgets a bit with his sleeves, still avoiding eye contact with his roommate. "I.. I guess.."
Kurt smiles and lets go of Evan's shoulders, before it gets too awkward. "Thank you."
"I take it you had a good conversation with Cameron today?"
"Yes, I did. She told me to remember the things that make me happy. So I thought of.. of Blaine.. Because he's just amazing, you know? And.. so.. I just.. I don't know."
"Do you have a crush on this guy or something?"
Kurt freezes slightly and pulls at his shirt. He could lie now, but he figures there's no use in being dishonest with someone he wants to help. "I.. He's.. He's kind of.. my boyfriend." He mutters, feeling terribly awkward and anxious.
Evan snorts. "Kurt, I knew you were gay from the moment I saw you, there's no need to get all awkward about the subject."
"You've recovered quickly from your emotional state." Kurt returns, a bit bitchier than planned.
"Chill, Kurt. I know there's a lot of homophobes in this world, but I grew up in New York. It's nothing new to me. I really don't mind being your roommate, okay? I'm fine with it."
Kurt nods, staring at the floor.
"Did you get a lot of shit because of it?" Evan asks, quietly.
Kurt nods, before looking back up, a sad smile on his face. "It's the past. I'm trying to stop letting it get to me."
Evan softly touches Kurt's shoulder. "Hey, we can be friends, right? I know the past can scar you. You need time to heal and that's totally normal."
"Thank you."
"It's nothing. So.. Let's go get ready for dinner, then.."
Kurt hesitates, but then nods. He wants to do this for Blaine. He will show the old, strong Kurt is still inside of him. Even though he still feels huge and disgusting – this is his chance to get his life back.
Comments
I'm always so happy whenever I find an update! I still love this story so much.
Thank you so much!
So...As Kurt starts getting beget, Blaine slowly gets worse? NOOOO!! Come back to us Blainers! Go visit Kurt, see that he is getting better, and be happyyyy! Oh no. This is quite fantastic, though. It can be...difficult to read, but the highs make up for all the lows. Helps that I'm watching Blainers sing "Somewhere Only We Know" and seeing happy, healthy, though slightly bittersweet Klaine.
I'm so sorry for all the angst and drama. I'm a bad person for liking just that. Yes, Kurt and Blaine need to see each other, so they can talk in person. Thank you so much for your review!