"I fucking hate you." Blaine chokes out, the minute he walks through the door and spies Sam lounging on the couch with the TV on. "I fucking hate you so much and I never should have listened to you." He sobs, clutching his arms around his stomach as tears spill over onto his cheeks.

He passes straight by Sam, a look of shock and concern on his face, and goes to his room, slamming the door behind him. He doesn't waste a minute to drop facedown onto his bed and heave his cries into it, shaking with his feet curled under him.

It's been three days since he caught Kurt in bed with Adam, and everything has gone to hell since. He'd tried throwing himself into his work, and it pacified him for a couple days, but today he'd broken down. He'd broken down in a near-stranger's bed in heart-wrenching sobs while being fucked.

Blaine was lucky with this one, because he was kind. Mr. Hughes had taken on his services only once before, but he has proven to be concerned for Blaine wellbeing. He had stopped at once when Blaine began to cry in earnest and inquired about Blaine's health. Blaine made up a bullshit excuse about his mother being fatally ill, which had produced the tears, insisting he had just tried to jump back into the game too soon when he was so worried.

Blaine had given him a full refund and a rain check and a thousand apologies, and then left without another word. And he felt like complete shit. Even as a prostitute, there are lines that you don't cross and courtesies that you supply, and crying over a boy in your customer's bed is definitely one of them. He hadn't been able to do his job properly, so he hadn't gotten paid, and he wasn't about to go out again tonight. So what was Blaine good for anyway?

Sam knocked a couple times before stepping inside his room anyway.

"Go away." Blaine says half-heartedly, muffled by the duvet underneath him.

Sam sits on the edge of the bed, Blaine can feel the dip of it, and he strokes a comforting hand down his back. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

"No."

"Ok, let me rephrase. Tell me what happened, or else I won't leave."

Blaine turns his head toward Sam to glare at him, red watery eyes and all. "You can probably guess, Sam, and I'd rather not talk about it if I don't have to."

Sam shrugs. "No, I really couldn't guess. And if you don't tell me, I'll assume that a giant lizard crawled out of your ass or something while you were giving head."

Blaine feels his mouth twitch against his will, trying to smile, but he forces himself to stay stoic. "I started crying. Not even crying, bawling. In bed. Because you fucking made me go see him, Sam, and I'll never get the image out of my head."

Sam sighs, scooting himself further onto the bed and tugging at Blaine until his head his resting in his lap. "That was my fuck up, and I know it. I'm sorry."

Another sob rises in Blaine's throat, and he just lets it come, biting his fingers into Sam's pantleg and crying for all he's worth. "God, it just hurts, Sam. I never meant to-hic-hurt this much."

"I know, bro. I know." Sam continues to stroke at him, through his hair and down his back and then circuiting back again. "Love is stupid. Kurt's stupid."

Blaine jerks up. "Kurt is not stupid!" He growls, glaring at Sam again. "Kurt is not stupid and he will never be stupid-"

Sam tries to interject, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't-"

"I'm the stupid one, Sam! I'm the stupid one for ever thinking I had a chance with someone like Kurt. That I'd even be worth his time. Someone as perfect and gorgeous and successful as-"

Sam grabs for Blaine's jaw and tugs up on it, fixing Blaine to face up at him, and speaks very firmly. "You deserve so much fucking more than someone who is playing with you the way Kurt is, Blaine. You deserve all the love in the world. And if Kurt doesn't want to give you that, then that is entirely his loss."

Blaine's eyes fill up again at the words, and his lip quivers with it, and he surges forward into Sam's stomach, crying again. Sam has always been behind him, one hundred percent, giving him all the boosts that he needs. And he knows that most of what Sam says is probably best-friend-talk, but god knows Blaine needs someone there to hold him when he cries and tell him that he's not worthless. Sam has always been that friend, and Blaine is positive that he would have died as an apathetic whore on the street if Sam hadn't stuck by him when his parents dumped him onto them.

"I love him." Blaine whispers, playing with the seams of Sam's pants, and trying to make it look like he's not having an internal breakdown over having said those words out loud for the first time ever.

But Sam isn't shocked. "I know. I'd be more concerned if you weren't."

Blaine glances up at Sam, vision blurred by lingering tears. And he says it again, just because he can. "I love him."

"I know." Sam repeats, and he pulls Blaine into a tight hug. Blaine tucks his wet face into Sam's neck and breathes the familiar scent of his best friend. It calms him.

"God, I love him." Blaine breathes out one more time, because he can't actually believe it and he needs to say it in order to process it fully.

"Ok, now you're just rubbing it in my face that I'm soon going to be tossed in the trash with the Tobey Maguire Spiderman trilogy and replaced with the new Andrew Garfield model."

Blaine muffles a laugh into his neck. "You're full of shit, Sam." Blaine mutters, only half joking.

"Only about a quarter full, but that's because I had a big dinner."

This time Blaine doesn't even bother keeping a straight face.

***

When he sees the name on his phone, ice shards shoot through his chest and it takes him a moment to answer.

"Kurt?"

"Hey, Blaine." It's the first time he's heard his voice not in the throes of passion for the first time in over a month, and it runs through him like hot cider in the winter.

"Hey. How's it going?" He says, keeping the utter panic out of his voice as much as possible.

"Hanging in there, I guess."

"Yeah. Same." Blaine responds, despite Kurt not knowing exactly how close he's been to letting go of that edge he's been clinging to for so long.

There's a bit of a silence. Then, "So...what are you up to?"

Blaine glances down the expanse of his stomach to his slicked fingers lying on his chest, and suddenly he feels very, very inappropriate. Like he's violating Kurt. "Um...uh prepping. For the night."

Kurt sounds genuinely perplexed. "What kind of prepping?"

"Uh...well, the...anal kind."

He hears an intake of breath. "Oh my god! Blaine, are you fingering yourself while--"

"No no!" Blaine sputters out, "God Kurt, no they're out, I--"

"Jeez, Blaine..."

"No, no, I'm sorry. That probably wasn't the right thing to say, but since this is the first time I've talked to you in weeks the last thing I want to come out of my mouth is a lie."

He hears Kurt sigh. "...Yeah, I'm sorry about that."

Blaine wipes his fingers on his chest and sighs in return.

Suddenly Kurt speaks. "It was you, wasn't it?"

"What was me?"

"You came to the apartment. The night that Adam was over. That was you." Kurt sounds so sure.

Blaine mutters. "Oh. I...it might have...I don't..."

"I'm sorry, Blaine."

Blaine sighs again, letting a small amount of the bitterness he's been feeling creep into his words. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Why would you be sorry? You can sleep with whoever you want. Hell knows I do."

"That's different and you know it." Kurt insists, but Blaine can't help but disbelieve him.

"Is it different, though?" Blaine jabs, feeling his anger rise.

Kurt sounds angry too. "Don't feed me this bullshit, Blaine. Don't you dare make yourself out to be the martyr here. Not now. Not after everything we've been through."

Blaine thinks about that. The "everything we've been through." What does Kurt know about what they've been through? What Blaine has been through? Kurt won't even admit to himself what has been going on between them. So how does he know?

"We haven't been through anything, Kurt. What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Blaine." Kurt says, almost threatening.

Blaine can't stop the resentment, the undeniable urge to make this difficult for Kurt, just as it's been for him. And he wants to hear him say it. "How about you spell it out for me so we're on the same page then, 'cause I feel like I'm in a completely different fucking book."

Kurt huffs. "You know what I mean, Blaine." And he finally says it. "The kiss! The 'you and me'. The teasing, the glances, the everything!"

Blaine rolls his eyes, even though Kurt can't see. He hopes it comes out in his voice. "I thought none of that meant anything, Kurt? At least that's what you've been putting off. Sorry if my mind reading skills are a bit rusty."

"Fine, Blaine. Whatever. You go have your little hissy fit--"

Blaine flares up, and he can't believe Kurt just said that. Just accused him of being a bitch. "Oh, you mean like you've been having for the past month?!"

"Goodbye, Blaine." Kurt says sharply.

"Fine! Bye!" Blaine shouts back. He waits until the line goes dead, and then chucks his phone onto the bed.

He lies there, fuming, for about five minutes before scrambling for his phone again. He doesn't think. He just does. And before he knows it, there's a familiar voice on the other line.

"Hello?"

"Sebastian. I want you."

There's a pause on the other line. "O...kay? This isn't usually how it works. I call you."

"This is different. I need you. Now."

"I'm still at work, Blaine. You can't just-"

"Please, Bas." Blaine begs, whines, knowing how much Sebastian loves it when he begs.

"Christ, Blaine. Ok, ok, but you sure as hell better give me a discount for this."

"How is 'free' for a discount?"

Sebastian is silent for a moment. "Wh...what?" Sebastian stutters out. "Free. Meaning like, just doing it to do it? Not-"

"That's exactly what I mean, Bas. I want you, not your money. Now." Blaine says hastily.

"Shit someone really must've done a number on you." Sebastian mutters.

"Now, Sebastian." Blaine insists.

"Christ, yeah, ok. Your place, then." Sebastian lowers his voice to a gritty whisper, obviously trying to keep it down in case someone was to walk by his office. "Fuck, you better be naked when I walk through that door."

"Already am. With my fingers in my ass."

Sebastian moans, and Blaine's cock twitches with it. "Fuck baby, that's so hot. Alright I'm out the door."

"Hurry." Blaine whines, finally taking his cock in hand.

"I'm hurrying." Bas says, before hanging up.

He tosses his phone onto his nightstand and squeezes his eyes shut with his head back against the pillows. He's positive he's making a terrible life choice, but he needs this. If Kurt can do it, so can he.

And God knows he needs a brutal pounding right now.

~*~

"Well, you seem awful gloomy." Rachel remarks as Kurt picks at his lasagna. Kurt drops his fork on his plate with a loud clatter and looks up at Rachel across the table.

"Thanks for noticing." Kurt says, sourly. He knows Rachel doesn't deserve it, and she's actually been rather supportive throughout the whole Blaine debacle-after he filled her in of course. She'd had her one little outburst about Blaine's life choices and moved on, favoring helping her best friend navigate his way through the maze of love over judging him for something that might not even matter in the long run. He softens his face almost immediately. "Sorry. I just...I called Blaine earlier."

Rachel's eyes widen. "How did it go?"

"How do you think it went?" He asks simply. Rachel nods, beginning to understanding.

"So you didn't make up, then?"

"No, Rachel." He says, almost condescendingly. "We didn't. We just fought. And I'm mostly to blame. I'm the one who's been ignoring him. I'm the one who's been treating him like shit. He has a right to be upset." Kurt admits, picking his fork up again and this time taking an actual bite of his dinner.

"So what are you gonna do?" She asks, taking a sip of wine from her glass.

What is Kurt going to do? He has no fucking idea. He doesn't know how to make things better, or to make them normal again. But he knows he has to, and he intends to. Kurt has come to realize that he really isn't being mature about the situation at all. They kissed, yes, but it wasn't the end of the world. It didn't mean that they had to get together. It didn't mean that Blaine expects him to jump into bed. It just means that they kissed. Just a kiss.

A very, very good kiss.

A kiss that Kurt has reminisced about much more than he cares to let on.

More than that, Kurt is starting to justify things. Wondering what is so wrong about dating Blaine anyway? He's just a boy, Kurt has said the same himself. If it came down to it, maybe even one or two non-committal fucks might take the edge off things. Kurt is positive that Blaine is safe, and they would be too if they were to be together in that way. What's the harm in indulging himself in loving Blaine? But above all, Kurt knows that they need to talk like the adults they are and muddle through this mess.

"I need to go see him. Face to face." Kurt says, already working the gears in his head to fabricate a plan of some sort.

"That seems like a good idea. But...knock first?" Rachel says, with a subtle smile on her lips.

Kurt lets out a small laugh. "And if he doesn't answer, I'll leave."

"Good plan." Rachel says, nodding.

He sure hopes it is, anyway.