Classes and extracurriculars once again took priority.  Blaine started to feel overwhelmed around Halloween and things only got worse from there.  Between his AP classes, piano rehearsal, and joining the school’s competitive public speaking group, Blaine worried that he’d spread himself too thin.  The classes and rehearsal were necessities and he only added the public speaking to have as an additional notation on his college applications.  He considered withdrawing, but it turned into something he actually enjoyed and helped to boost his confidence speaking in front of the general public.

Texts with Kurt went back to being sporadic, Skype sessions even more infrequent.  They talked every night on the phone though – even if only for a quick ‘goodnight.’  Blaine knew Kurt was busy as well.  He had led quite the campaign for student class president, but admitted after he didn’t win that his heart wasn’t in it.  When he landed a part in the school play though, Blaine had never heard Kurt squeal louder.  So, now Kurt’s time was spent between play rehearsals and the never-ending prep for sectionals. 

Every morning, Kurt sent him a text with a countdown of the number of days until Thanksgiving.  It always made him smile.

Blaine spent most of his weekends at his aunt’s house.  She helped him with his college applications, proofread his essays, and encouraged him to expand his options to schools other than OSU and the local community colleges.  It was hard to get his father’s nagging voice out of his head – a voice that told him he was limited, he didn’t have options, he shouldn’t bother.

Thankfully, his aunt and mother gave him nothing but encouragement.  He finished his OSU application first, then moved on to smaller universities in Ohio.  He even applied to a school in Illinois that had many amenities that catered to blind students.

He saved his application to Juilliard for last.  It was the most in-depth, but also the one Blaine wanted most.  His music teacher helped him arrange a performance piece to record and send with his application.  Blaine practiced it until his fingers were numb.

He’d been sleeping less at night in the past few weeks – his mind going a mile a minute.  As much as he wanted to go to school in New York or Illinois or even in Columbus, he was so scared.  What if he couldn’t handle it?  What if it was too hard and he didn’t get the extra help he needed?  What if no one liked him?  These questions in his mind sounded eerily like his father.  Blaine placed the pillow over his head hoping to somehow calm the nagging voices within.

It didn’t work.

….

For their first Skype session in two weeks, it wasn’t exactly starting off well.

“Are you ok?  You look horrible.”

“You sound horrible – why do you sound so tired and beat down?”

“I’m fine.  Besides – I asked you first, Blaine.”

“You know I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.  I’m just stressed and not sleeping well because of it.”

“You have to take care of yourself.”

“And what about you?  Are you taking care of yourself?”

“Of course.  It’s just sectionals stuff and college applications.  Things will calm down once the holidays get here.”

“You sound snippy.”

“Well maybe it’s because you keep poking and all I want to do is forget about the stress in my life!”

“Kurt…”

“Sorry.  I’m just tired.  And I know you’re tired too.  Two more weeks and then you’ll be here, right?”

“Yah.”

“You don’t sound excited.”

“Two weeks seems like a long ways away.”

“It will go quickly.  Now go get some sleep.  Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Kurt closed his laptop and climbed into bed.  With the covers pulled over his head, he cried himself to sleep.

….

They barely talked over the next two weeks.  He seemed to hear Kurt’s voicemail more than his actual voice, but Blaine figured Kurt’s focus was on practicing for Sectionals.  Kurt always made his glee teacher sound like an obsessive whack-job.

Two days before Thanksgiving break, Blaine got a text from a number he didn’t recognize asking when he would be home.  He text back asking whom the mystery person was and was surprised at the response: Finn.

Finn

Sry I swiped ur # from Kurt’s phone.  Are you coming back to Lima soon?

Blaine

Yes, probably Saturday

Finn

Im worried abt kurt & evrything that went down

Blaine was confused and Finn’s response time was less than impressive, so he called the boy instead.

“Finn, what are you talking about?”

“You know, dude.  The Karofsky stuff.  It really messed Kurt up and you know how he is.  I didn’t know why he’d been so down lately.  I tried bringing him warm milk three nights in a row and he just mumbled ‘thanks’ and told me he was tired.  It all makes sense now.  He won’t talk to me and I know he talks to you, but it would be better if you were here.  So when will you be here?”

“Okay, rewind for a second because I got confused between Karofsky and warm milk.”  Kurt had sworn Blaine to secrecy about Karofsky kissing him, so he needed Finn to clarify.

“You know – Karofsky threatening him and stuff.  I mean, it was good that someone overheard it and then he shoved Coach Beiste and that was pretty cool to see her take him down.”

“Finn, is Kurt there now?  I tried calling him earlier and he didn’t answer.”

“Yah, he’s talking to Burt in the living room.  We just got home from school not that long ago.”

“Can you take your phone to him?”

“Uh, I guess.”

Blaine could hear chatter in the background that slowly got louder.  ‘Here Kurt, it’s Blaine.’

There was a long pause before he heard anything else.

“Hey Blaine, sorry I didn’t call you—“

“What happened, Kurt?”

“Nothing, it was just—“

“Kurt.”

“Blaine, can we do this later?”

“No, Finn just text me worried about you and the whole Karofsky situation that apparently happened today."

He let out a defeated sigh.  “Karofsky threatened me.  One of the coaches heard him and stepped in.  It was a little chaotic from there, but I wasn’t involved.”

“What do you mean chaotic?”

“Puck said Karofsky tried to hit a teacher, but Finn said it was just a shove.  Either way, he’s been suspended and Puck thinks they’ll expel him.”

“Was today the first time he threatened you since that day in the parking lot?”

The silence made Blaine’s face flush from the anger held just under the surface.

“How many times?”

“Blaine…”

“How many times, Kurt?”  His voice was still calm, almost clinical in his questioning.

“I don’t know.  A lot.  Ever since that day when he kis—that day in the locker room.”

“What did he say?”

“He said he’d kill me if I told.  I started to think he really would.”  Kurt choked out a sob and Blaine pushed his anger down.

“I know you’re not okay, but your Dad and Finn are there, right?  You won’t be alone tonight?”

“I won’t be alone.”

“God, Kurt, why didn’t you tell someone?”

Kurt didn’t answer, but Blaine heard him crying through the line.

“Kurt?”

“I have to go.  My dad…”

Blaine sighed.  “Okay.  I’ll be home on Saturday.  Will you call or text me tomorrow and let me know how you are?”

“I’ll text.  And we can talk this weekend.  I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

The call ended and Blaine wanted to throw the phone against the wall.  He’d always been a very even-keeled person, but in that moment he was beyond angry.  And he wasn’t sure who all it was aimed at.

….

Kurt sent a quick text off the next day to let Blaine know he was staying home for the day, but was fine.

Blaine replied with a simple ‘ok’ and that’s when Kurt knew he had really messed up.

….

Blaine was quiet the entire drive home.  His mom tried her best to spark a conversation, but he made it fairly clear that talking was not on the agenda for this car ride.

When they pulled into the driveway, Blaine wanted to go straight to his room to clear his head for a bit.

“Kurt’s on the porch swing and he looks upset.”

Blaine just sighed.  His mom grabbed his bag, let Roxy out, and said she’d start dinner while Blaine talked to Kurt.

“Hey, I wasn’t sure when you’d be home.”

Blaine leaned against the porch railing instead of sitting down.  “Yah, long drive.”

“You’re mad.”

“Yes.”

“At me?”

Blaine bent his head forward and considered his answer.  “I honestly don’t know.”

“Please don’t be mad at me.”  Kurt’s broken plea barely came out as a whisper.

“You lied.  You said you were safe.”

“I thought I was when I told you that!”

“But then things changed and you never said anything.  Why would you do that?  Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t tell anyone, Blaine!”

“I’m not just anyone, Kurt!”

“Please don’t yell at me.  I swear, I wanted to.  But, I didn’t want to worry you.  And I was dealing with it.”

“Dealing with it?  By letting it get to the point where you actually thought he would kill you?  What if someone hadn’t overheard him the other day?”

“I don’t know.”  The porch swing creaked and then Blaine felt arms around him and Kurt’s tears against his neck.  “I’m sorry.”

Blaine’s hands rested on Kurt’s forearms for a few seconds before he lightly pulled them away from his body.  “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Blaine… please…”

Blaine released his hold on Kurt’s arms and turned towards the front door.  “I should help my mom with dinner.  We can talk… later.”

Kurt’s crying was no longer silent.  “I’m so, so sorry, Blaine.”

He nodded.  “I know.”

He could still hear Kurt crying as he closed the front door.

….

Kurt stood on the porch for what felt like a lifetime.  His tears had finally stopped, but he was sure they would start again at any moment.  Why was Blaine overreacting to this?  Kurt knew he should’ve told him, but every time they talked Blaine was so tired and overwhelmed.  Kurt didn’t want to add to that.

And he didn’t lie!  He just didn’t say anything.  Now his boyfriend wouldn’t even hug him.  Blaine left him crying, alone.  Kurt was in shock.

Somehow, he finally made himself walk back across the lawn to his house.

Kurt was wrong when he thought things couldn’t get worse.

….

Dinner that night at the Anderson home was quiet.  Mr. Anderson was the first to break the silence.

“Why are you sulking, Blaine?”

“I’m not, sir.  Just tired from the trip.”

“Your mother and I heard that little exchange between you and the neighbor boy.”

“It was…”  He wanted to say nothing, but that was far from the truth.  “We’ll work it out.”

“Well, in my opinion, you’re far too attached to each other.  I’ve seen the phone bill and he’s practically the only one you call or text.”

“Dad…”

“I’m just saying that he’ll be going off to New York next year and you’ll be staying right here so there’s no point in continuing whatever it is you think you have with him.”

His mother’s fork clanked against the plate as it dropped.  “James!”

“It’s true, Christina.”

“Blaine may get into school in New York also.  He just finished up the last of his applications.”

“He can’t make it in New York.  He needs people to support him and right now that’s his family.  He’ll take online college classes or maybe get into OSU.  We all need to look at this logically.”

He didn’t want to listen to his parents argue or his father’s words about him that were filled with nothing but disappointment.  “Can I be excused?”

Blaine didn’t wait for an answer before he pushed back and went to his room.

….

Blaine waited until the following evening to venture next door.  He knocked hesitantly and then worried that he should’ve called before just coming over.

The door swung open and Carol’s cheerful voice greeted him.  “Hey sweetie, we were just finishing dinner.  Do you want me to make you a plate?”

“No thank you.  I just came to talk to Kurt.”

“Oh, sure.  Come on in.”

He waited awkwardly while Carol walked back into the dining room to retrieve Kurt.

“Blaine?”

“Hey, I didn’t mean to interrupt dinner.  I could come back.”

“No, it’s fine.  I’m glad you’re here.  Let’s go up to my room.”

Blaine followed him and then sat hesitantly on the end of the bed.  He felt Kurt sit up near the headboard and neither talked for a minute.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.  You needed me the other day and I pushed you away.”  Blaine rubbed his hands together nervously.  “I was so hurt though, Kurt.  You lied by omission and you knew that I was already worried about Karofsky.  You not telling me made me feel like you didn’t trust me.  And I just thought that…  I thought that you did.”

“I do!  I should’ve told you.  I trust you, I swear.”

“Maybe you think you do, but it’s not in what you say, it’s in what you do.”  He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  “I wanted so badly to be there for you.  It was hard leaving you after Rachel’s party.”

“You’re here for me now.”

“You have to let me be there for you all the time.  For weeks you’ve been feeling like this and all you gave me was the false sense that things were okay.”

“I thought that I was protecting you.”

“I don’t want you to protect me.  Trust me, I’ve had enough of that in my life.”

“Blaine…”

“I don’t want to fight about this anymore.”

“So are we okay?”

Blaine bent forward, his elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands.  “I think that—“

“Blaine, please say we’re okay.  I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not losing me.  I just think maybe we need to take a step back.  I mean, we jumped into this pretty quickly and now being apart, it’s just harder than I think either of us thought.”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“I’m just not sure how this can work right now.”

“Blaine, we’ll make it work.  I’ll tell you everything and we’ll talk everyday like before and we just need to make it to graduation.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“It is if you want it to be.  Please try with me.”

“Graduation isn’t going to solve everything, Kurt.  What’s going to happen when you get into NYADA and I’m still stuck back in Ohio?  Things are only going to get worse.  It’s already too hard being two hours away.  How do you think it will be when we’re states apart?”

“But it won’t be like that.  I’ll get into NYADA and you’ll get into Juilliard or we’ll both go to OSU.”

Blaine chuckled, but there was no humor behind it.  “You don’t get it.”

“You’re right!  All I want is to be with you and I’ll do anything to make that happen.  I don’t care if you’re two hours away or two days away or next door.”

“I’m really sorry.  I have to be selfish here.  And the more attached I get to you now, the harder things will be then.  I want you in my life, Kurt.  But for now, all I can handle is friendship.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I just think this is what’s best for now.  I’ll always be here for you, let’s just take some time to get perspective.”

Kurt laughed bitterly.  “Perspective?  I don’t need perspective, Blaine.  I need my boyfriend to forgive me for making a mistake.”

“You’re angry now and I completely understand that.  Maybe we can talk more tomorrow?”

“Since apparently I don’t get a vote, I guess we’ll talk whenever you want, Blaine.”  His name on Kurt’s tongue sounded venomous.

“I’ll..  I guess I’ll text you tomorrow.”

Kurt didn’t reply as Blaine left.

….

Trust.

A small word with a depth of meaning and emotion and power.

Children learn to trust from birth.  An infant trusts that their caregiver will come when they cry.  A child trusts that their needs will be met as they grow.  A teenager trusts that their loved ones will look out for them.

The thing with trust, though, is that it takes time to develop.  You have to earn trust and prove yourself trustworthy to others.  Developing trust is an investment of time and effort.

But the breaking of trust can take an infinitesimally small amount of time.

When Blaine was a child, he learned quickly about the different facets of trust.  He knew his mother would never betray his trust.  He hoped the few friends he had would prove trustworthy. 

The first time another kid picked on him and a teacher waved it off as ‘kids being kids,’ he knew that not everyone should have his trust.

Losing his sight changed everything.  Blaine had to accept that he didn’t necessarily get to choose the people he should trust in the beginning.  People no longer looked trustworthy or not.  He didn’t have the same visual cues that he took for granted before.  But the one thing he knew for certain was that his mother could be trusted with anything and through her, Blaine learned to trust again.  Albeit in a different way.

In the beginning, he learned to trust very easily as a necessity.  When you need help just doing basic tasks like maneuvering in unfamiliar locations, eating meals, and finding the bathroom, you become less scrutinizing of those that offer a hand.  But as Blaine became more independent, he began to build thicker walls.  These walls protected him, kept him from trusting too many people in order to keep from getting hurt. 

Blaine’s vulnerability was sheltered behind these walls.  He lived in his bubble of safety – home and school – where he was protected. 

It wasn’t until Kurt Hummel came into his life that he ever felt a crack in his walls.  It scared him to death.

He ran the second he thought that Kurt might hurt him.  It wasn’t even that Kurt had actually broken his trust.  Kurt had tried to protect Blaine, to keep the negative away, to bear the burden alone.  But by doing so, Blaine felt like Kurt didn’t trust him enough.  So Blaine pushed him away, built thicker walls, and went on the defensive.  In hindsight, it could’ve been an overreaction.

As Blaine fought the urge to cry, he tried not to hate himself for being so broken.

….

Kurt woke in a cold sweat.  The voice in his head sending shivers down his spine.

Where’s your boyfriend?  Poor Hummel – all alone.  No one to protect you so you better keep quiet.  Would hate to see that pretty little face of yours get hurt.  Or worse.

He threw off the covers and got out of bed.  There would be no more sleep tonight.  After days of shutting himself away and ignoring the reality, he decided he needed Blaine in his life in whatever capacity he could have him.

….

Blaine still didn’t agree with Kurt’s decision to not tell him about the threats, but it was done and it was time to move forward.  He missed him, wanted him, if only as a friend.  While that still left Blaine vulnerable, he knew he couldn’t just walk away.

He’d sent three texts that week to Kurt with no response, so Blaine was surprised when he received a response from his fourth text asking Kurt if he wanted to get together for lunch.  He was even more shocked when Kurt said yes.

They said quick hellos as they met at Kurt’s car and Blaine opened the door for Roxy.

“I hope it’s okay, but I actually packed a picnic lunch and figured since it’s an unseasonably warm day we could go to this really nice park I know of.”

“A picnic?  No snow on the ground does not equal unseasonably warm.  It’s like 45 degrees out. I wouldn’t exactly call that picnic weather.”

“Just go with it.  It will be fun!  We have tons of layers on!”

“You might be insane.  I can’t believe I’m agreeing to a picnic in the middle of winter.  Apparently I am insane also.”

Kurt wiggled in his seat as he started the car and for the time being the tension had dissipated.

When they got to the park, Kurt instructed Blaine to sit on the blanket while he set everything up.  He’d made finger sandwiches, hummus with an assortment of veggies, and lemonade.

“You outdid yourself, Mr. Hummel.”

“Yes, well, I guess I wanted you all to myself today.”

“Kurt…”

“No, I know, just friends.  But I can want to spend some time alone with my friend, right?”  Kurt’s words sounded tentative – almost as if he were afraid to even call Blaine his friend.

“Of course.”

They ate in silence for a while, neither sure what conversation topics to venture into.

“I know you’re sneaking sandwiches to Roxy.”

“What? No I’m not. I’m just… eating… quietly… by myself.”

“Really?  Because she’s been inching away from my side towards you for the last ten minutes and now I can hear her smacking on something.”

“Fine.  But she was totally giving me puppy dog eyes.”

Blaine laughed, but Kurt stayed quiet.  A cold breeze started to pick up, lifting the ends of their blanket.

“You know, I really am sorry.”

“I know, Kurt.”

“And I know you’re hurt right now and you think us being apart is for the best.  I don’t agree with it, but I’ll respect your decision.  We want two different things.  And I can’t make you change your mind.  But hopefully you will.  And I’d like to think I’ll still be here when you do.”

Blaine felt Kurt’s hand in his own.  He squeezed back reassuringly.  “I hope that if I change my mind you’re still here also.  But if I don’t change my mind, we’ll always be friends.”

“Yah…”

There was a quiet resignation in Kurt’s voice. 

For a brief moment, Blaine thought about what walls Kurt had likely built to protect himself.  He hoped he wasn’t responsible for any of the cracks that may be there.

He remembers Kurt begging him, the way his voice cracked on a whispered plea – a sound he’d never heard from the boy before.

Blaine wondered if Kurt’s instinct was not only to protect himself, but the loved ones he let behind those walls.  He realized then just how small that group of people was – how few people Kurt let get close.

Blaine felt a shiver wrack through his body.  He wasn’t sure if it was the cold weather or where his hand was still grasping Kurt’s.

….

After the Thanksgiving holiday, communication between them consisted of text messages only.  They were able to maintain a level of friendly banter, but there was still an undercurrent of awkwardness.  Kurt felt like Blaine had given up on their relationship too easy.  He still loved him and wanted him in his life.  Unfortunately, it was in a limited capacity.

Glee club won Sectionals, so that managed to improve his spirits for a few days before the high wore off and he no longer had the distraction.  He missed hearing Blaine’s voice.  He missed falling asleep at the end of their Skype sessions.  He was pining away and he knew it was pathetic.

He couldn’t stop though.

….

Blaine studied tirelessly for the semester’s final exams.  It was easy to throw himself into things, let his mind narrow in on one thing, thus preventing it from wandering to other things.  Every time he picked up the phone to call Kurt, Blaine could hear his father’s voice in his head telling him to be logical – to accept his fate that he would never leave Ohio.  People like him just weren’t destined for big things.

This was a low point in his life.  Things hurt now, but he knew it was for the best.  Blaine had to realize where his place was.  He’d let his mother and Kurt construct irrational dreams in his head.

Kurt was going to go on and do amazing things.  Blaine was a fool for thinking he would be along for the ride.

New York wasn’t an option.  Being with Kurt wasn’t an option.

If only his heart would listen on both accounts.

….

Blaine had been working in the music room most of the day.  His aunt was going to drive him home tomorrow, but it sounded like most of the other kids were heading out as soon as possible now that the semester was over.

When he got back to his room, his roommate was packing the last of his things.

“Principal Foster just brought you a package – it’s on your bed.  Looks like you got an early Christmas present.”

Blaine furrowed his brow as he sat on the bed.  “Thanks.”

He picked up the box and turned it in his hands, feeling along the sides.  He reached over to his desk and grabbed the scissors to cut the tape.  Inside he found something squishy, awkwardly wrapped in paper that crinkled loudly.  A heavy envelope sat on top.

“I’m out of here, man.  You need anything before I go?”

“No, have a good one.”

The room was eerily quiet with his roommate gone.  Blaine took the envelope out and felt the weight of it in his hands.  It was thick.  He couldn’t feel anything on the outside to indicate its sender.  He wanted to at least have some idea to determine who best to go to for it to be read to him with the least amount of embarrassment.

He slid open the envelope and pulled the letter out.  Even folded, he knew immediately what it was, though still not who the author was.

He unfolded the pages and skimmed his hand along the braille before moving up to start at the beginning.

Dear Blaine,

You won’t believe how long it took me to figure out how to get a braille letter printed, let alone how to actually write in braille.  I am forever indebted to your mother for her help with the brailler, though I assure you she has not read this.  All mistakes are my own and I can only hope that the words on this page reflect accurately what I want to say.

Blaine stopped himself for a moment, taking a deep breath and smiling.  Kurt.  Kurt had written him a letter he could actually read.  No one had ever done that for him.

I miss you terribly.  I haven’t held up my part of this friendship and I want to change that starting now.  When you come home for Christmas break, I want to hang out with you every day like we used to over the summer.  You have been kinder to me than just about anyone else on this planet and I am thankful for you every day.  You’re a stubborn one, Mr. Anderson, but I want you in my life forever.  We will be the best of friends for years to come and I promise to treasure that always.

My hope for you this Christmas is that you are able to believe in yourself more.  You have so much potential, so many gifts to offer the world, none of which are hindered by your blindness.  I will be your number one cheerleader no matter where you end up or what you do.

But I believe that next fall, you will be amazing the professors and students alike at Juilliard.  So to help you get in that mindset as well, I have included a small gift in this package.  You may open it now – I’ll wait.

Blaine laughed and reached into the box.  He ripped at the paper and felt soft fleece beneath his fingers.  He ran his hands over every inch of it, stopping to trace the raised ink on the front.

It’s a Juilliard sweatshirt; black with white writing that says ‘Juilliard’ and then ‘New York’ under that.  It has piano keys in the shape of the New York skyline.  I hope you like it.  Please wear it and continue to dream.  Don’t give up on yourself.  I sent this to your school because I know not everyone is supportive of this particular dream.  I know his opinion weighs heavily on you, so for now you can wear this around your dorm as a reminder of our friendship.

I love you.

-Kurt

Blaine set the letter on his desk and wiped at the tears streaked across his cheek.  He pulled the sweatshirt on over his shirt and again ran his fingers over the writing on the front.

He opened his computer and took what was hopefully a relatively centered picture of himself in the hoodie smiling.  He sent it to Kurt through Skype with a simple message – I love you, too.

….

Blaine’s first day home had been awkward when they met up because Kurt wasn’t sure whether to hug Blaine or not.  He was able to relax when Blaine pulled him in close and held on like he was falling.

“Thank you for my gift.  No one has ever done something that nice for me before.”

Kurt rubbed his back in a soothing manner and Blaine pulled away to quickly wipe the tears forming in his eyes.  “I’m glad you liked it.”

Kurt watched Blaine fidget for a minute before gathering himself again.  “Do you want your gift now?”

“You really didn’t have to get me any—“

“Kurt.”

“Yes, okay, I would like my gift now.”  They both laughed.

Blaine pulled a small box out and handed it to Kurt.  He lifted the top off and found a small card sitting atop the tissue paper.  It read, ‘For the cold NY winters.  Love, B.’  Kurt pulled back the tissue paper and his mouth fell open as soon as he saw it.

“Oh wow.”

He pulled the greenish-grey cashmere scarf out of the box and wrapped it around his neck.

“Blaine, this is beautiful.”

“From the way the saleslady described it, I thought it would match your eyes.  It’s not exactly designer, but--”

“I love it.”

Blaine beamed and Kurt couldn’t help but launch forward and envelop the boy in a hug.

“That might be the best reaction to a gift I’ve ever received.”

Kurt jumped up and pranced in front of the mirror.  “We’ll have to go shopping now so I can have something fabulous to wear it with.”

And as simple as that, the friendship was back.

Things don’t always stay so simple though.

….