“He who is deaf, blind and silent, lives a thousand years in peace.” – John Gotti

A sort of numbness takes over.  He’s still present – has to stay attentive to everything Blaine says and does or things won’t end well.  But he’s not himself.  It’s like there’s a switch inside of him that turns off the fiery attitude and the deep emotions and everything that is inherently Kurt.

Blaine continues to introduce Kurt as his boyfriend.  Kurt thought it was just an easy label with strangers.  But when he says it to people in the family – people that know who Kurt is and why he’s here – Kurt realizes that Blaine actually believes it.  He wants to laugh about it, tell Blaine he’s a fool for thinking Kurt is anything more than a whore and a prisoner who is just biding his time until parole.

Blaine’s been surprisingly gentle, making quips about ‘wooing’ him and not being forceful with his advances.  Part of that is because of the numbness.  When they kiss and touch, Kurt goes on autopilot to get Blaine off.  Handjobs, blowjobs, rubbing his body just right.  Whatever it takes to get Blaine sated.

With Kurt much more compliant now, Blaine doesn’t censor himself as much in regards to the business.  The first time Blaine started talking about a deal with Cooper in Kurt’s presence, Kurt was certain the elder brother was going to kill someone.  He wasn’t sure if it would be him or Blaine, but the moment passed and Blaine hadn’t even noticed.

Kurt tunes it out.  He doesn’t want to know details about anything illegal the Anderson brothers are doing.  He doesn’t want to be an accessory or a liability.  The less he knows about the business, the better.

Blaine does start to open up to him more about his personal life though.  He tells Kurt about when he was jumped as a teen because he was gay and for the first time since he came to be with Blaine, Kurt actually feels sorry for him.  Blaine talks about it like it happened to someone else, or in another life.  And maybe it did.  The person sitting in front of Kurt is no innocent kid, no vulnerable boy.  But Kurt tries to look at him a little differently after that day.  Maybe him and Blaine weren’t so different.  Something had been taken away from them both – all because of who they were.  Thankfully, Kurt made it through the torture of high school with the help of his dad and his friends.  They were loving and supportive and cherished him.  Blaine didn’t have that – he had his family and a different approach to handling life.

Blaine was a victim of his environment.  He wasn’t a bad guy – maybe Kurt had thought too harshly of him in the beginning.  Now, Kurt was lavished with anything he wanted.  Blaine was giving him things he could never have on his own.  He hadn’t meant to hurt him before.  Right?

Kurt was still puzzling over it when a hand running through his hair drew him back to reality.

“Pondering the meaning of life?”

He looks over to see Blaine smiling at him.

“No, thinking about you actually.”

“Mmm, well good.  Because I was thinking about you and how much I want to ravish you right now.”

Blaine stands and extends his hand.  Kurt takes it unquestioningly.

He’s quick to get Blaine’s clothes off as they kiss, making their way to the bedroom.  Every time Blaine reaches for Kurt’s pants, a strategically placed kiss or bite distracts him away.  Kurt has found all of Blaine’s weak spots – the places that make him shiver when Kurt laves them with his tongue.  They fall less than gracefully on the bed together, breaking their kiss.  Kurt nips and sucks his way down Blaine’s body, taking Blaine’s boxers off and leaving him completely naked.  Blaine is sitting up before Kurt can do more than stroke him once or twice.

“No, tonight I want more.”

The world flips and suddenly Kurt is on his back, Blaine pushing the shirt up over his head and quickly moving to undo his pants.  When they’re both naked, Blaine makes his way back up Kurt’s body to kiss him more.  Kurt tries to reach his hand between them to stroke Blaine, but finds both of his hands being pinned above his head.

“I’m going to take care of you tonight, baby.”

Kurt knew his tricks could only last for so long before Blaine would want to get his money’s worth out of him.  Blaine reaches for the lube, but just sets it on the bed before going back to kissing Kurt.  He seems to be in no rush, taking his time to explore Kurt’s mouth and then gently kiss down his body.  It takes him by surprise when Blaine licks a long stripe up the underside of his dick.  Kurt raises his head to look just as Blaine sinks down, engulfing him with his mouth.

A whine escapes and Kurt throws his arm over his eyes.  He doesn’t want to enjoy this.  He reaches for Blaine to pull him back up, wants to say just do it already.  But then Blaine pulls off with a pop and pushes Kurt’s legs up further.  He mouths over his balls and then moves lower.  There is a moment of hesitation and Kurt pushes the bottle of lube down towards Blaine. 

“Hold your legs.”

Kurt reaches down and grabs both of his legs, willing himself to relax.  His entire body tenses when he feels the breath on his hole.  He feels Blaine pulling him further open and then a slow drag of his tongue all the way up to his balls.

The sensation is weird – it feels good, but he’s very uncomfortable.  The tip of Blaine’s tongue slides past the tight ring of muscle and Kurt can’t help the squeak that leaves him.  Finally, he feels a lubed finger move in alongside Blaine’s tongue.  Kurt looks down to find himself almost completely hard and he squeezes his eyes shut and lets his head drop to the pillow.

A second finger pushes in, slow and steady, while Blaine sucks a mark where Kurt’s thigh met buttock.  The fingers move leisurely in and out, twisting and then curling.

“Ah!”

One leg slips from his grasp and he arches off the bed, grabbing desperately at the sheets as Blaine rubs over that spot within him again and again.

The fingers pull out and Kurt has never been so thankful.  His misplaced gratitude is short-lived as he feels three fingers push into him.  The burn brings him back to reality and he tries to focus his attention on the discomfort, but with the steady twists of Blaine’s wrist, the pain ebbs away.

“I could watch you for hours.  So fucking hot.”

“Blaine…”

“What’s it feel like, baby?”

“Full.  Good.”

He feels Blaine searching for that spot again and he lets go of his other leg to reach down.

“Please…”

Kurt isn’t sure exactly what he’s begging for.  Please stop making me feel good.  Please don’t touch me like that.  Please just hurt me like I expect you to.

“Okay.”

Blaine seems a little disappointed to stop his ministrations, but he removes his fingers and reaches for the lube again.

“Can you…”

Kurt bites his lip and looks sheepishly down at Blaine.

“Can I what?”

“Can you wear a condom?”

Blaine tilts his head to the side and regards Kurt curiously.  Immediately Kurt regrets asking because he knows the answer before it comes.

“No.”

He can’t meet Blaine’s gaze, but he feels his stare for another few tense moments before he hears Blaine slicking himself up.

The weight of his body on Kurt’s is smothering as he pushes Kurt’s knees almost to his chest.

His breathing is already shallow as his face hovers near Kurt’s.

“You think I’m dirty?”

Kurt’s gaze shoots to meet his immediately.  “No!  No... it’s just messy.”

He smiles awkwardly hoping it sounds convincing. 

Blaine just grins and then leans down to kiss him.  “Don’t worry, baby.  I’ll clean you up.”

When he kisses Kurt again, he starts pushing in and Kurt can’t help but tense.  He feels the pressure, the fullness, but no pain.  He closes his eyes and tries to send his mind elsewhere.

“Look at me.”

Kurt snaps his eyes open, focusing on Blaine who is staring, not moving.

“Okay.”

And then Blaine slowly starts to pull out.  When he pushes in again, it feels better and Kurt can’t stop the way his legs seem to open a little wider on their own.  Blaine smiles at him and starts a steady rhythm.  Kurt wants to look away, wants to hide his face in the pillow.

Blaine shifts and suddenly Kurt is on fire. Every thrust elicits a moan as Blaine hits his prostate.  He bites the inside of his cheek trying to distract himself from the pleasure.

But then Blaine’s hand is around his cock and Kurt comes without warning.  Blaine fucks him through it and then smashes their lips together as he comes deep inside Kurt.

Kurt starts counting in his head because if he doesn’t he’ll think about Blaine’s body still heavy against his and the come that will soon leak out of him.  He’ll think about how gentle Blaine had just been with him and how Kurt just came harder than he’s ever come in his life.  And he’ll think about how ashamed and dirty he feels for enjoying it.

When Blaine pulls back he looks concerned.  “Did I hurt you?”

Kurt shakes his head slightly.

“Then why are you crying?”

He reaches up to wipe at his own face, not even realizing that tears were falling.

“I don’t know.  That was just… intense.”

Blaine kisses him again sweetly and pulls back, his softening cock slipping out of Kurt.  He heads to the bathroom and Kurt quickly wipes his eyes dry, taking deep breaths to pull himself together.

Blaine returns with a warm washcloth and takes extra care when cleaning Kurt, touching his skin almost reverently.  He tosses it on the floor and crawls into bed, pulling the sheet up over them both.

Kurt turns away, curling onto his side.  He knows Blaine likes to cuddle though, so he reaches back to bring his arm to rest around him, spooning close.

“You’re so beautiful.”

Kurt doesn’t know what to say in response, so he just pulls Blaine’s hand to his mouth and kisses it lightly.  He stares at the wall until Blaine’s breathing evens out.  He closes his eyes, keeping the tears at bay.  He’ll let himself have a mini-breakdown when he’s alone.

For now, he silently begs for sleep so he no longer has to think about how he feels worse now than when Blaine made him bleed.  This time, it didn’t hurt – he enjoyed it.  And he hates himself that much more because of it.

***

The low sound of humming wakes him up.  He wipes the sleep from his eyes and stretches as much as he can with Blaine still spooning against him.

“Morning.”

Blaine just hums more in response.

Kurt starts to pull away, but Blaine tightens his arm around him.

“I have to—“

“Not yet.  Just lay here with me.”

Kurt’s bladder is less than enthused, but he stays still, waiting for Blaine to resume humming.  It’s quiet for some time and Kurt wonders if Blaine fell back asleep.

“Am I your first boyfriend?”

Kurt doesn’t consider Blaine his boyfriend, but it doesn’t matter what Kurt thinks.

“Yes.”

“Good.”

There’s another stretch of silence and Kurt is about to make another move to get out of bed when Blaine speaks up again.

“You know…  you’re my first boyfriend too.”

Kurt remembers Blaine bragging about his sexual experience, so he’s not sure what to make of this announcement.

“What?  I thought—“

“I’ve been with several guys.  None of them were my boyfriend though.  After my father died, Cooper and I had to bond pretty quickly.  He’s obviously older than me and we were never super close growing up.  He wanted to ‘make a man out of me’ and so he started bringing home these guys.  I was still pretty naïve in a lot of ways back then – I thought my brother just had a lot of single friends and I found out pretty quickly that fucking was fun.  He thought it was hilarious that I didn’t know they were prostitutes.  In a drunken stupor one night he just blurted it out and laughed at me for being so stupid.”

Kurt lays tense in Blaine’s arm, a thousand thoughts swarming through his head.

“But I learned a lot, so I can’t fault him for it.  I should probably thank him for doing it.”  Blaine laughs and mouths at Kurt’s neck.  “You should probably thank him for it too.  I’ve never made someone come so hard that they cried.”

Kurt clears his throat.  “I doubt I’ll be thanking your brother for buying you prostitutes.”

Blaine rolls onto his back and laughs heartily.  “You’re right – it sounds a little awkward when you say it.”

He gets out of bed and starts to get dressed.

“I have to work for a while and then I’m going to come back and take you out for dinner.”

Kurt does his best to smile.  “Okay.”

Blaine kisses him with a smack on the lips and is out the door.

Thankfully, Kurt makes it to the bathroom before he lets himself break down.

***

It takes a while, but Kurt pulls himself together.  He dismisses Thad, declining to go see his father for the day.  This is the most emotional he’s been in weeks and seeing his father would make the walls crumble again.  When he calls, they tell him there’s been no change (just like every other day).

He tries to distract himself by cleaning, but it’s rather pointless since a maid service comes twice a week and keeps the place spotless.  The contents of the small bookshelf in the living room keep his attention for a short time – most of the books look like they’ve never been opened.

The boredom is going to drive him mad.  He should go somewhere, anywhere, but he just can’t.  His life consists of this apartment, the hospital, and random places with Blaine.  For a moment, Kurt panics at the thought of going somewhere else alone.  He pushes the panic down and looks desperately for a distraction.

The two rooms at the end of the hall draw his attention.  Kurt’s never paid them much attention.  He knows ones is Cooper’s bedroom – though he seemed to only sleep there once or twice a week.  Kurt tries the handle of the door on the left.  It’s locked.  He knows it’s some sort of office or study.  Blaine and Cooper usually spend some time in there on the nights that Cooper is home.

He turns the knob of the other door and finds what he was expecting – Cooper’s bedroom.  What he didn’t expect were the two guns sitting on the nightstand like home décor rather than dangerous weapons.  It surprises Kurt how messy the room is, what with its occupant being gone most of the time.  He starts to take a step into the room when he hears the front door slam shut.  Kurt is frozen in fear for half a second before he pulls the door shut quietly and speedily walks down the hall where he collides directly into Cooper.

“What the fuck?”

“Sorry…  sorry.  I was just…”  Kurt doesn’t know what to say, his breathing ragged and an undoubted sheen of sweat forming on his brow.

Cooper is straightening his clothes and staring at Kurt with nothing but ire.

“You were what, plaything?  Running down the hall?”

“No.”

“Really?  Because it looked like you were some place you weren’t supposed to be.”  He crowded Kurt against the wall.  “Were you snooping?”

“No, I swear, I was just walking and I didn’t see or hear you coming.”

“Or maybe you were looking for something.”

“I wasn’t.”

“If I find out you were…”

“I wasn’t looking for anything.”

“Let’s hope not.  Nobody likes a meddling whore.”  He pulls back with a dangerous grin on his face and Kurt immediately puts distance between them.  Cooper makes his way to his bedroom and Kurt practically runs to the bathroom.  He lays on the floor and presses his cheek against the cool tile trying to stave off a panic attack. 

He must’ve drifted off because the sound of someone knocking on the door causes him to jump.

“Kurt?  Why is the door locked?”

He pushes himself up and unlocks the door.  When he pulls it open, the irritation on Blaine’s face is clear.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing, I was just about to start getting ready for dinner.”

“Don’t ever lock this door again.”

“Okay.”

Blaine still looks annoyed, but Kurt just turns to appraise himself in the vanity mirror.  One side of his face is red from being pressed against the tile and his hair is going a dozen different directions.  He has no idea what conclusion Blaine drew from Kurt’s appearance.

“And hurry up, we have dinner reservations.”

Kurt puts himself together, numbness included, and walks out to the living room to meet Blaine.

“Good.  I’m not in the mood for waiting today.  Let’s go – Cooper is already downstairs.”

Kurt tries to mask any emotion on his face.  “Cooper’s going?”

“Yah.”

“I thought it was just going to be the two of us.”

“Cooper never goes out with us.  It’ll be good for you two to get to know one another better.”

A shiver runs down his spine, but he just nods and walks through the open door Blaine held.

Cooper rides in a different car and Kurt breathes a small sigh of relief.

The ride to the restaurant is thankfully quiet.  They settle into a private booth and for the first time, Kurt notices the two hulking men nearby who can only be Cooper’s bodyguards.  Blaine had said before that Cooper never goes anywhere alone, he always needs protection.

“What did you do today?”

Kurt’s attention is pulled from the strange men and back to Blaine.  “Nothing.”

“Well that’s not entirely true.”

Kurt’s body goes rigid and his gaze flicks to his other side where Cooper sits at the round table.  He turns to Blaine who stares at him with a furrowed brow.

“What’s that mean?”

Looking back and forth between the brothers makes Kurt look guilty.  He wishes he were anywhere but trapped in the middle of this round booth.

“Oh, somebody got a little nosey today.”

Kurt’s mouth falls open slightly and he immediately shakes his head and turns to Blaine.  “I didn’t.  We just ran into each other and—“

“And nothing.  He was either back in my room or in your office.”

Blaine’s eyes bore into him and Kurt is frozen beneath them.

“Did you go back there?  Even though I told you those rooms were off limits?”

His head is still shaking and Kurt’s not sure if it ever stopped.

“No!”

“Don’t lie to me, Kurt.”

“I’m not.  I wouldn’t.”  He could see Blaine’s fist clenching and unclenching at his side.

“You know what happens to people that I care about that lie to me?  They get their tongues cut out like our dear friend Thad out there.  He lied to me about something very important and I wouldn’t kill him because he’s close to me and his father was close to my father.”

Kurt stares towards the front of the restaurant as if he could actually see Thad.  He’d been antagonizing him this whole time because he wouldn’t talk…  And Blaine did that.

“I swear, Blaine.  I didn’t go in either room.”  The terror must be clear on his face and he hopes his pleas are getting through.

The sound of Cooper’s laughter confuses both Kurt and Blaine.

“I have no idea if he was even back there.  I just caught him all rattled earlier and you know I love to weave a good story.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Coop?”

“Seriously, the look on both your faces was priceless.  And I love seeing you get mad, Blainey.”

Kurt sits absolutely stunned.  Cooper had done this as some sort of sick joke and Blaine made a veiled threat towards Kurt because of it.  The whole situation made him want to scream.

Blaine stands up, eyes locked on Cooper.  “Kurt, go wait in the car.”

Kurt doesn’t hesitate to start sliding out of the booth.

“Aw, come on, Blaine.  It was a joke.  Let’s just sit and have dinner.”

Blaine reaches for Kurt’s shoulder, but the taller boy flinches away before he can make contact and practically sprints out the door.

Kurt can’t hear what Blaine says next or any of the patrons in the restaurant.  He hears his heart beating loudly in his ears as he bursts through the door and starts running.  The car was on the other side of the building and Kurt doesn’t even know where he is.  He doesn’t care.  His run slows to a brisk walk and then he stops completely.  When choosing his outfit for the evening, he hadn’t anticipated running several city blocks at night.  The wind whips against him and he curses himself for leaving his jacket back at the restaurant.  His thin sweater and skintight pants do nothing to help.  He leans against a streetlight, wraps his arms around himself, and cries.

“You lost, little one?”

The man seems to appear out of nowhere.  He reeks of alcohol and it’s fairly obvious he’s homeless.

“No, I’m fine.”

Kurt starts to walk back the way he came.

“Wait, I won’t hurt you.  I have blankets and you look cold.”

He turns to address the man and sees what appears to be an earnest expression on his face.  The man is older, unkempt and dirty, but has kind eyes.

“Thank you, but really, I’m fine.  I should get back.”

The man closes the short distance between them and Kurt instinctually backs up until he feels the building behind him.

Kurt looks nervously at the man that is far too close now.

“Your face…”  The man brings his hand up as if to touch Kurt, but stops short.  “You remind me of my son.”

Kurt can’t help but smile sadly at that.  Who knows where this man’s son was or if he’s even real.  He is about to ask something when he sees a shadow in his peripheral vision.

Suddenly, it’s so loud and then his ears are ringing.  He doesn’t know what happened, but then the man is on the ground and Kurt sees the dark splatter all over his white sweater. 

His world gets a little choppy from there.

Blaine is there.

They’re in a car.

No.

He’s being carried.

It’s so bright.

He wants his dad.

He’s swimming.

So tired.

Someone is calling him.

But it’s dark now and he’s warm.

So warm.

He has to focus.  Focus.  Damnit, focus.

He’s sitting on the bed wearing his favorite pajama pants and one of Blaine’s old t-shirts.  The throbbing in his head only seems to be getting worse, but it helps him focus.

“My head…”

He starts to lift his hand only to find them clasped tightly in Blaine’s who is kneeling on the floor in front of him.

“I know, baby.  Just stay awake for a little while longer and we’ll get something for the pain.”

His eyelids are so heavy now.  Kurt can see other people in the room, but doesn’t recognize them.

“What happened?”

“You hit your head.  You need a couple stitches now so just stay very still and keep looking at me, okay?”

“How did I hit my head?”

Kurt stares at Blaine who seems to have a war of emotions on his face.

“You fainted.  And in the battle of concrete versus Kurt Hummel, concrete won.”

Kurt feels pressure on his head, hands touching him, but he can’t feel what they are actually doing.  He’s numb all over, his throbbing headache the only thing he can feel.

“I ran.”

“Yes, you ran.  You shouldn’t have done that.  I told you to go to the car.”

“I’m going to die.”

Blaine breaks their gaze and turns to someone else.  “Is he okay?”

“It’s the shock.  He’ll be fine.”

“I’m right here.  Don’t talk about me.”

Blaine looks back to him and smiles.  “I know, baby.  Just making sure.”

“It was cold.  You were right about needing a jacket, but I left it.”

“I got your jacket.   Don’t worry.”

“Not worried.”

Kurt looks down at the grey t-shirt he’s wearing and blinks several times trying to focus on it.

“The man…”

“He’s not here.”

“I know… because you shot him.  Right?”

Blaine secures him with a hard look.  “Yes.”

“You didn’t have to do that.  He was just trying to help.”

“He was trying to touch what was mine.”

“He didn’t.  He said I reminded him of his son.  He wanted to keep me warm.”

“He was going to hurt you.”

Kurt shakes his head and realizes the hands are no longer touching him.  Tears start to well in his eyes.  “You killed him and he didn’t do anything.  You killed him for nothing.”

Blaine tries to wipe at Kurt’s eyes, but his hand is batted away.  Kurt pulls at his own shirt.

“And his blood is all over me.”

“No, it’s not.  I cleaned you up.”

“Yes it is.  Get it off, get it off!”

Kurt tries to stand, but is unbalanced as a newborn foal.  Blaine holds him tightly as Kurt sobs and sways slightly.  He hears people talking, but his head just hurts so badly and he can’t stop crying.  Blaine shifts him around and Kurt feels a pinch on his arm.  He’s lowered so carefully to the bed, Blaine trying to soothe him with words and touches.  Kurt’s whole body feels heavy and as he succumbs to the darkness, his last thought is ‘I killed him.’

***