18.

Kurt is so angry at himself he kind of wishes he could kick himself in the ass – hard. How could he have been so stupid? He was right here, he saw the changes in Blaine, he could have done something almost a week ago, instead of getting defensive and anxious and avoiding the topic. Does he really trust Blaine that little that he doubted his feelings at the first sign of trouble? Stupid, stupid, so stupid.

But self-flagellation won’t help now, there’s no use thinking about what could have been. He’s here now, he finally knows what has been happening – now he just has to do everything in his power to help Blaine, make it easier for him.

Kurt watched a documentary about cutting once, so he knows it’s not going to be easy for his boyfriend. And there’s really not much he can do to help – he’ll be there, he’ll love and support him, always, no matter what; but the actual battle is Blaine’s to fight. Thankfully, he hasn’t been hurting himself long, so at least that’s something. For the tenth time today, Kurt thanks whichever non-existing deity that inspired him to arrange everything in New York the way he did and come back as soon as physically possible. Every additional day could have been worse.

Blaine is quiet as they drive to the therapy center and sit in the cozy waiting room. When he is called in, Kurt doesn’t even have to ask if he really wants him there – the way his boyfriend’s hand clutches his, almost painfully tight as he gets up, is answer enough. So they enter the room together, Blaine literally leaning on him for support.

The next hour is pure torture – seeing his beautiful, strong, perfect boyfriend fall apart as he confesses his crimes against himself; listening to him beat himself up with so much self-hatred that it burns like acid. But Kurt sits there unflinching, holding Blaine tightly and surely, even though tears flow from his eyes – because no matter how much it hurts him to see and hear this, it must have hurt Blaine so much more to actually live through all he’s describing.

By the end of the session Blaine’s voice is hoarse, barely audible, and he’s visibly drained. Finally the therapist stops asking questions and taps her notebook with a pen for a minute before she speaks.

“Blaine, now that I have the full picture of what’s been going on, it’s clear to me that we have to get you on medication immediately. You are severely depressed, and the recent self-harming behavior is a risk we can’t take. I also think that you should be admitted back to the hospital for two, maybe three weeks, to be monitored until the medication kicks in properly.”

Blaine tenses by Kurt’s side on a couch, his eyes wide and panicky.

“No! I don’t want to go back there.”

Kurt strokes his back soothingly, muscles stiff and trembling under his palm, and looks up at the woman.

“Is it really necessary?”

“Well, the first period of taking this kind of medication can be unpredictable, especially with teenagers – there may be days when Blaine will feel worse, the urges may get stronger, even suicidal thoughts may appear. He will need monitoring, someone to be with him at all times, to help and react quickly if anything like this should happen. And since I know that Blaine’s parents are often absent, I can’t risk letting him go home where he would be alone.”

Kurt nods; it’s understandable.

“What if I were there with him? All the time for those two or three weeks? I’m sure his parents won’t mind if they can’t be there themselves.”

The therapist looks at him appraisingly.

“Kurt, it’s really brave of you, but do you have time to really be there non-stop, day and night? Besides, have you ever taken such a responsibility upon yourself? Taking care of another person for weeks without a break is a hard, mentally exhausting job. You’re young –“

“I’ve taken care of my dad, by myself, after he had a heart attack two years ago. I will manage. And I have all the time Blaine needs.”

She thinks for a moment before nodding.

“All right then. We can try this. But I want you to have my emergency number on speed dial and call me if anything out of the ordinary happens. And Blaine, I expect daily phone calls with reports on how you are feeling, in addition to our sessions. The hospital is not out of the picture yet, I need you boys to understand it – it may become necessary at some point, to ensure Blaine’s safety.” Kurt nods and Blaine relaxes instantly, slumping against his side with relief. “One more thing. Blaine, I have to call your mom to make sure she’s okay with this arrangement. How much do you want me to tell her? Don’t get me wrong, she should know all of this, about your self-harming in particular, but you can tell her yourself, if you prefer.”

Blaine’s face is hidden on Kurt’s shoulder at this point, his voice muffled.

“No. Tell her, please. I don’t think I’ll be able to do it.”

Blaine’s mom is already home when they come back after a short detour to the pharmacy to fill the prescription. Blaine groans quietly when they see her car on the driveway.

“Kuuuurt. I can’t deal with more of this tonight.”

He sounds weak and tired, and Kurt wants nothing more than to take him straight to bed and hold him safely through the night, to let him rest. But they have to talk to Blaine’s mom – and they have to talk to her now, before he takes the first pill. So he turns to cup Blaine’s cheek and kiss him gently on the lips.

“Honey, you’re doing great, I am so proud of you. I know you must be exhausted, but we have to do this one thing, just have this one conversation, and then we’ll go to bed and cuddle, and you will sleep however long you want, okay? And when you wake up, I’ll be right there with you. Come on, let’s get this over with.”

Blaine nods and stumbles out of the car, and hand in hand, they go inside and into the well-lit kitchen. One look is enough to know that the therapist has already called. Mrs. Anderson is sitting by the table, her face hidden in her hands, but she shoots up immediately when they come in. Her face is wet, eyes red and puffy as she closes the distance between them in quick strides and pulls Blaine into tight embrace, smoothing his curls and repeating “My baby, my dear, dear baby.”

Eventually, Kurt is the one who does all the talking, relating the therapist’s words to Mrs. Anderson and assuring her that he will gladly stay however long he’s needed. Blaine, after uncovering his arm to show the cuts with his eyes set down in shame, rests his head heavily on his mom’s shoulder, utterly drained. Mrs. Anderson cries, blaming herself for not noticing, for having a job that makes her too busy and absent from her son’s life. She can’t even take a leave now because she’s the head organizer of a huge international conference in Boston and no one knows enough to fill in for her. Kurt knows she loves that job though and besides, he doesn’t mind staying with his boyfriend, he wouldn’t mind doing much more than that, anything really – his own guilt burning in his throat, pushing him to do anything he can to redeem himself, in his own eyes if no one else’s.  

Blaine whines softly when the talk gets too long – it may only be past seven, but he looks about ready to collapse – so Kurt takes out the pills and hands him one, along with a glass of water, before they say goodnight and retreat to the bedroom. Before they leave the kitchen, Blaine’s mom hugs him tightly.

“Thank you, Kurt. If it wasn’t for you, I can’t even… I– Just, thank you.”

Helping his boyfriend into his PJs and settling into bed with him feels nice, no matter what reasons brought them back together like this. Blaine falls asleep immediately, clutching at Kurt tightly, as if afraid he disappears during the night, but for a long time, he’s the only one sleeping.

Kurt lies there for hours, listening to Blaine’s deep, regular breathing, and for the first time since he got here this morning he lets himself think about his own emotions and fears. It was a long, terrifying day, a day that changed so much and set new challenges before them. Kurt is certain that with their love and care for each other, they will get through it, but it doesn’t make him any less afraid. For Blaine, for their relationship, and yes, for himself too. Because tomorrow, while Mrs. Anderson stays with Blaine, Kurt will go home to tell his family. And it’s not something he’s looking forward to. They won’t be thrilled.

After all, hearing that your son is taking a year-long break from college because his boyfriend needs him is not the best news any parents may expect.