CHAPTER 9

“You know what’s the worst part?”

It was Wednesday afternoon and the boys were sitting on Kurt’s bed, talking. They were home alone – Burt and Carole went to get Finn from Columbus and would stay there for dinner.

“No?” Kurt cocked an eyebrow. There were no good parts in what happened to Blaine; which would be the worst?

“I think that even if I ever get over this feeling like I’m worthless and faulty and ruined, I’ll never be able to be in a real relationship anyway.”

“Oh?”

“How am I supposed to ever be with someone when I flinch at every touch? Okay, maybe I’ll get over it. But I had all the first times taken from me in a most fucked up way. I can’t think about sex, about anything physical really, without feeling like I’m going to puke. I won’t even be able to kiss anyone without remembering this first kiss and everything that happened afterwards. I won’t let anyone hold me, because I feel trapped. I’m screwed.”

“You let me hold you.”

“Yeah, well, that’s different. It’s you.”

Is it because I’m your safe person or because you see me as completely asexual? Or both? was on the tip of Kurt’s tongue, but he bit it as a thought popped into his head. What Blaine just said… It could be helpful. Or completely crazy. But…

He hesitated just a second.

“I have an idea, but it might be terrible, so you have to tell me honestly what you think.” Blaine nodded. “You trust me, right?”

“Completely.”

“So, I thought… I could kiss you. You know, as a friend,” he added hastily and damn, why did he always blush so easily? “Just to, you know, try and replace that memory in your head with something hopefully less… traumatic and more, I don’t know, neutral?” he finished barely audibly, already regretting this sudden impulsiveness. Of course it was a horrible idea, what was he thinking?

Silence stretched uncomfortably. Kurt couldn’t look at the boy next to him. He fought the urge to just run out and hide in the bathroom. Has he really just offered to kiss his friend, whom he was in love with, days after he was sexually assaulted? Talk about the worst idea ever. He’d be lucky if Blaine didn’t lose all faith in him after that.

“You… you would do that?” The voice was low and rough.

“I’m sorry, you’re right, it was a really bad idea. Just… forget I said anything, okay?”

He dared a glance at his friend, mostly to assess the damage, and was startled by the look of… hope? incredulity? on Blaine’s face.

“Actually…” the amber eyes kept his, voice trembling a little, “I think that could work.”

Kurt’s eyes widened. He didn’t give himself time to hesitate, just moved closer to the other boy, until he was sitting cross-legged right by his side. Slowly, very slowly, giving Blaine plenty of time to stop him, he leaned closer.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes,” the answer was breathless, barely audible.

Kurt closed the distance and gently, lovingly pressed his lips to Blaine’s. His heart was hammering in his chest, he felt lightheaded. This was what he wanted to do for months now. And yet the circumstances couldn’t be more different from what he imagined… He’s just a friend. It’s just a favor to a friend. Nothing more, he kept reminding himself, even as he soaked the warmth and perfection of his first (and most probably last) kiss with Blaine.

***
Blaine’s breath hitched and for a second panic seized him as his mind was flooded with the memories of wet, hot lips crushing his own, tongue invading his mouth aggressively, taste of cigarettes, wandering fingers gripping, violating. But then a gentle, warm hand touched his cheek, grounding him to reality of this bright, airy room, this beautiful boy who somehow came to impersonate everything that was safe and good and right in the world. And Kurt was kissing him slowly, oh so tenderly with soft lips that tasted like peppermint and chapstick and just a hint of chocolate they ate earlier. And there was no pressure there, no confusion, it wasn’t hurried or lustful or wrong. This kiss wasn’t taken from him, it was given, offered with affection and care. He felt warm and calm all over and he found himself returning the kiss, just as chaste, pure and innocent as it was. They stayed like that for a moment longer before they parted, both breathless and a little dazed. They looked at each other and the silence was comfortable as they both processed what just happened. Blaine spoke first, seeing apprehension and a hint of anxiety stealing into Kurt’s eyes.

“Kurt… that was perfect. That’s how I always imagined my first kiss, exactly as it should have been. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. And thank you.”

“What for?”

“It was my first proper kiss too, remember?”

Blaine’s eyes widened. Right, how could he forget he wasn’t the only one with bad memories here!

“Oh no! Kurt, you shouldn’t have wasted it on me. It should be special for you.”

“It was. Now, do you want coffee? I feel like getting myself a latte.”

***
Finn felt full and lazy after the big family dinner. His aunt Marsha was an amazing cook and tonight she prepared all his favorites as a goodbye treat for her only nephew. He was looking forward to a nap in the car on the way home. Just as he finished settling comfortably in the back seat and closed his eyes, his mom broke the silence.

“Honey, no sleeping. We need to tell you something so that you know what to expect when we get home.”

Finn groaned. “You didn’t let Kurt paint my room, did you? Because I told him lilac is a flower, not a color, and I like my walls the way they are.”

“No. But we have a guest and it’s important for you to know several things.”

***
“Well, that went well.”

“I’m sure he’ll come around. He’s just confused.”

“What is there to be confused about? It’s all plain and simple, just a few easy rules. And it’s not really the best moment for that.”

“He’ll be fine by morning, I’m sure. You know that he can be a bit slow with emotional stuff sometimes. He just needs to sleep on it.”

“What if he still doesn’t get there tomorrow?”

“Then I’ll talk to him alone. For now, let’s just go home.”

Burt and Carole were sitting in a car parked in front of Noah Puckermann’s house, where Finn asked to be taken for a sleepover. After a short, uncomfortable conversation about Blaine at the beginning of their drive and long, uncomfortable silence the rest of the way, it was almost a relief when he got out of the car and stalked down the drive.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Finn said earlier. “It will be all weird and uncomfortable. How am I supposed to talk to him now that I know? I’ll say something stupid or look at him funny, or forget and touch him and he’ll be all freaked out and Kurt will bite my head off. Maybe I should just stay with Puck as long as Blaine’s there.”

Sighing heavily, Burt started the car. And here he thought convincing Blaine that Finn needed to know what happened would be the most difficult part.

***
“Blaine? Are you awake?”

Silence. Deep regular breaths. Kurt gently removed his hand from the other boy’s grip and slumped against the headboard where he was sitting for the last half hour, singing softly. He sighed. As much as he cherished these moments – falling asleep with Blaine cuddled by his side, singing to him, spending all their time together – he knew he was just opening himself to another heartbreak. Blaine saw him as a friend – best friend, but still. Sometime soon he would heal, body and soul, and then one day there would be some other boy to sweep him off his feet. And the kiss they shared made Kurt realize that he wouldn’t be able to take it anymore. He was falling too deep. He had to get over Blaine. Be the best friend, love him as a friend – that would never change – but stop thinking romantically about him. Maybe one day love someone else. And he had to start now, before it was too late – if it wasn’t already.

But first, there was a song he really wanted to sing to Blaine these last couple of days and couldn’t, it was too revealing. So let it be his sort-of-goodbye song. Blaine wouldn’t remember it, but maybe, just maybe the message would stay somewhere deep in his subconscious, giving him strength when he needed it. He let his fingers trace along Blaine’s strong jaw, tangled them gently in his hair like he always wanted to. Just this once. He took in the picture of this gorgeous boy sleeping peacefully in his bed, etched it into his brain forever, closed his eyes and began to sing, right from his heart.

I’ve been alone, surrounded by darkness
I know how heartless the world can be
I’ve seen you crying, you felt like it’s hopeless
I’ll always do my best to make you see

Baby you’re not alone ‘cause you’re here with me
And nothing’s ever gonna bring us down
‘Cause nothing can keep me from loving you
And you know it’s true
It don’t matter what will come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through

Immersed in music and emotions, he didn’t see the amber eyes open in the darkness, take him in, widen as he sang on. He finished the song and almost fell off the bed when he felt a warm hand on his arm and heard a breathless whisper, “Do you mean it?”

“Oh! Sorry, did I wake you? I thought you were asleep. Sorry.”

“Kurt. Do you mean it?” Blaine was sitting by him now, face tense, clutching both his hands so tight it hurt.

“I… yeah. I do. But don’t worry, I… it won’t be a problem.”

“Kurt.”

“Yes.”

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“What do you think I’m saying?”

“I think… I had an impression you were saying that you… that you loved me? In spite of everything that happened? And that you wanted to be by me, with me, no matter what comes next?”

“Yes,” he whispered. A strangled sound Blaine produced made him feel terrible. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. I thought you were asleep and I just really needed to sing this song right now. You weren’t supposed to hear it.”

“Why?”

“Because now you’ll feel uncomfortable around me, thinking I’m mooning over you while you don’t want me to be anything more than your friend, and it will ruin…”

“But I do.”

“… our friendship and I can’t… What?”

“I do want you to be more than my friend.”

“But…”

“And I love you too.” Now it was Kurt’s turn to choke. “I’ve loved you for months. I just haven’t realized that was it. You are the most important person in my life, my soulmate. I think about you all the time. I want to be close to you, spend time with you, I’m so goddamn attracted to you. I see you as my safe person. I thought it all just meant that you’re a really close, really attractive friend, that it can’t be love if it’s so… easy, so natural, you know? Love was supposed to be drama and uncertainty and all these difficulties most couples around us go through, right? But now – it’s like I can see clearly at last, what counts, what I feel.”

Kurt was still afraid to believe his ears.

“How do you know it’s not just a temporary response to the situation? You feel safe with me, so you think you love me?”

“No. It’s not like I feel something new, you know? It’s just something I’ve been feeling for a long time and now I finally understand what it is. What love is. Not what I felt for Jeremiah or… or Eric… or any of my crushes before. It’s this. It’s you. And it’s real, and huge, and easy, and safe. It doesn’t need drama or assurances. It just is.”

Kurt slid down from his position by the headboard now and they laid facing each other, just holding hands.

“So I love you. And you love me. Where does it leave us?”

Blaine sounded torn. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can be your boyfriend, even if you wanted me. Being boyfriends means all the physical stuff and I… I can’t. Not even with you. I don’t know if I will ever be ready.”

“Hey, don’t even think about it now. I get it and it’s okay. And… just so you know… I’m not exactly comfortable about certain things either.”

“Yeah? How come?”

“Yeah. I just… Truth be told, I don’t know the first thing about sex. I like romance. That's why I like Broadway musicals, because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets. I don’t need more, Blaine. So if it’s the only thing worrying you about it, about us… then you have nothing to worry about.”

“The touch of the fingertips? Well, that much I can do,” Blaine smiled. “But surely one day…”

“I would never, ever, push you to do anything. But I don’t really care about labels, you know, unless they are attached to clothes. We don’t need to figure it out now, a name for it, or a definition. Just know that I’m here.”

There was no kissing that night, no promises. It was nothing like the movies. They just fell asleep, holding each other, just like the nights before. But there was something new in both their hearts that night, something small that changed so much. Hope.