CHAPTER 10

It’s Saturday morning and the house is pleasantly quiet. Kurt’s dad is away for the day, visiting an old friend in Columbus. Kurt is lounging around the house, dressed to kill just for the pleasure of wearing something other than the Cheerio uniform, enjoying the soft music seeping from the speakers in the living room. It’s a surprise therefore when the doorbell rings right before ten, and an even greater one when Kurt opens the door and sees who is standing there.

“Hi. Oh wow, you look great! I’m sorry to disturb you on a Saturday, but I just wanted to give these back.”

Blaine’s hair is almost entirely free of gel today, curling softly around his face, and his eyes are bright and honey-colored in the morning sun. Kurt is so busy staring that he nearly misses Blaine holding something out to him, stacked neatly on his forearm – his clothes and towel from yesterday, clean and fresh smelling.

“And to thank you,” suddenly shy, Blaine takes his other hand from behind his back and lays a small silver bag with the familiar logo on top of the stack. It’s from the Belgian chocolate shop that sells the dark chocolate coffee beans that Kurt can’t resist. “I’ve noticed you like these.”

Kurt’s surprised – true, he has a little glass bowl of them on his shelf, even though he doesn’t let himself indulge in them often, but he never thought Blaine would notice such a detail during his only visit there. He shakes his head now.

“Blaine, you don’t have to give me anything just because I helped you in need.”

“I know. But I want to.”

Kurt feels himself blush, hard.

“Thank you. Will you come in? I’ve just baked oatmeal muffins.”

“Sorry, but no.” And before Kurt finishes the thought that he must have screwed everything up those last weeks, Blaine adds. “Not today, I’m running some errands for my mom right now.”

“Come over tomorrow.” It’s too fast, too eager, but Kurt doesn’t care. He wants this boy in his life and he’s done pretending he doesn’t.

Blaine smiles. “Same time?”

“Perfect. Make sure you can stay longer. Um, for lunch?”

It’s just an invitation to hang out and share a meal, but as Blaine’s car disappears around the corner, Kurt can’t shake a feeling that he’d just extended some sort of a tentative bridge between them – not just for Blaine, but for himself as well. Who knows where it will lead them.

He shakes his head, mutters Nonsense and goes to take the muffins out of the oven.

By the time Blaine comes over on Sunday, Kurt’s had enough time to think, overanalyze, freak out, and finally settle on the decision to just be himself with him. It’s not like he can keep up his official school image when Blaine already knows the most important part of the lie, and holding on to parts of it doesn’t make sense. Full disclosure then; and he hopes Blaine won’t run away screaming. 

He doesn’t, it turns out the next morning. And by the time he leaves hours later, Kurt knows he’s in deep trouble. Heart trouble, to be exact. Because Blaine is too perfect to exist. And while Kurt has known for months that he’d want to have a friend in him, and in the last weeks has also come to admit that he is strongly attracted to Blaine, this is new. The realization that he may be feeling more than that – that he seems to be actually falling in love – is shocking and terrifying enough to push it away and bury it deep in the back of his mind. It’s just excitement at the novelty, slight infatuation at most. No one could resist feeling like this after this morning, right?

Blaine came right on time with a plate of still warm brownies his mom baked, and made Kurt’s dad like him on the spot with some sort of natural charm that Kurt watched with wide eyes. Then he proceeded to astound Kurt when they retreated down to his room and spent two hours discussing music and fashion, Broadway musicals and social issues, books and whatever else came to mind, never running out of topics. They didn’t talk about anything personal, carefully skirting along this line, just getting to know each other, but it was enough for Kurt to feel like his imaginary best friend suddenly came to life.

And then it was time for lunch and over the Caesar salad Kurt had prepared earlier, Blaine gave him the final shock. They were sitting with Kurt’s dad, just chatting about school, when the unavoidable question came.

“So you transferred from an all-boy school, eh? I bet it’s a nice change, dating girls from the same school.”

And Blaine smiled serenely and said, like it was the most ordinary thing, “I wouldn’t know, sir, I’m gay.”

Kurt’s heart stuttered and the piece of chicken he was swallowing threatened to choke him before he forced it down. But then Burt Hummel – the very picture of masculine with his flannel shirts and his cap, his love of football and fast food – nodded, smiled back and said without losing a beat.

“Oh, okay. Must not be easy in this town.”

Blaine shrugged.

“It’s not. But I manage.”

Kurt felt like his whole world was swaying and shifting; his head spinning. He couldn’t count how many times he’d thought about this, wondered how his dad would react if Kurt told him, shared the weight of this secret with someone at last. But every single time, he’d stopped himself, terrified. It wasn’t like he had any reason to believe that his dad would reject or stop loving him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do this one huge step. Not yet.

And here Blaine came and with one sentence proved to him that there was nothing to be afraid of.

Now, hours later, Kurt’s head is still spinning as he lies in bed and replays the morning over and over, Blaine’s parting words teasing and challenging him.

“I had a great time today, Kurt. But I want you to know that I understand if we go right back to the way it was before, and that I won’t mind; you have your reputation to withhold and I know it. Don’t feel bad about it, okay?”

Kurt was so stunned that he said nothing, lost for words. But now words are crowding his thoughts and making his head hurt. He experienced something new today, something he never hoped to have before he was in college, far away from Lima, Ohio. He got to try what it feels like to spend your time with someone who understands and accepts you the way you really are, who likes many of the same things you do and introduces you to new ones you get to enjoy. Someone smart and funny, kind and brave; someone you’d love to be able to talk to every day and call a friend.

Being able to lower his defenses, forget his image and facades for just a bit and be himself was such a powerful feeling that Kurt still shakes with the intensity of it. He craves to feel it again, and again, to be allowed to feel this freedom forever – the one that felt like a too-tight corset being untied, like spring air and flying out of a cage. He can’t remember being this open in front of anyone for years – not since he first realized what he was and what it meant for him and his family. But now that Kurt got a taste of this glorious release, there’s no way he can shut the door of his cage tight again. He has to leave at least a small opening, needs the source of this freedom in his life. It’s just a tiny step, and he’s not sure if he’ll be able to make more than one before he’s out of high school, but it’s something.

After second period, when Kurt sees Blaine for the first time that day, approaching from the opposite direction, he doesn’t divert his gaze. Instead, he smiles and says hi, as if it was a normal thing he did every day. The grin that Blaine sends him as he answers feels like a pat on the shoulder, and Kurt’s day is suddenly a whole lot brighter. He can do this.