CHAPTER 5

After a while there’s a sound of water running in the shower.

Kurt enters the kitchen, hair still wet, just as last of the pancakes land on the plate. In the unforgiving morning light the damage the year has done is obvious. He looks painfully thin, pale and exhausted. His hands shake visibly. His eyes are red and puffy from crying, deep shadows underneath still there, even after 18 hours of sleep. Blaine feels a fresh pang of guilt at the sight. Yet there’s a shadow of a smile on Kurt’s lips.

“Something smells good. I can’t remember when I last ate.”

“That’s what I thought when I saw your kitchen.”

“You didn’t have to do all this, you know.”

“I wanted to. Even if you hate me, I still care for you. Deeply. I really, really want to take care of you, if you let me. As a friend if nothing else. You need help, Kurt. I’m terribly worried about you.”

“I don’t hate you. I thought I would but… it’s just not there. Anger, a lot of regret, but no hate.”

“I’m glad.”

They eat in silence.

�

After breakfast they take their coffee to the living room and together clear all the books from the ratty couch. Then they sit cross-legged on opposite ends, facing each other. The silence feels awkward, heavy. They both know this talk is inevitable and potentially life-changing, so they stall. Kurt is the one to finally dive in.

“You honestly believed I would cheat on you?”

Blaine sighs. “I honestly didn’t. I was sure you’d give me some logical, innocent explanation and then proceed to rip my head off for doubting you. And you would have, of course, had I actually asked you if it was what I thought it was.”

“Yeah, well. I didn’t tell you what it was exactly, did I? We both screwed up.”

“No, Kurt. I screwed up. I doubted you for a moment. I got angry, I gave my insecurities free reign and I didn’t insist we talk about it all rationally. I just ran. I cut all connections. I refused to let you explain. It’s all my fault. I screwed up big time, so big that I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to fix it.”

“Some things are unfixable. I think we’ll have to accept it. Many things happened since we’re not together and we can’t erase them.”

They sit in silence for a while, each lost in his own thoughts. Finally Kurt looks up.

“Tell me about your life now.”

Blaine shrugs. “Not much to tell. I study, I work. I write music for a small independent theatre and sing in several cafes. It’s not much, but it pays the rent and keeps me busy.”

“You don’t live on campus anymore, do you? I went to your dorm the next day after… um. They told me you moved out and didn’t leave the address.”

“No. The apartment I told you I found for us? I’d already signed the lease. So I moved in. I thought I would hate it because I imagined us together there and everywhere I looked, I saw you. But soon it became soothing, like it was the last thing connecting me to you, somehow untainted, because it was all imagined. It’s our ‘what should have been’ in the best of ways. And apart from that, it’s just a great place, with a really nice old lady for an owner.”

“I wish I could have seen it. I wish we could have lived there together, just as you imagined.”

“Yeah, me too. You have no idea how much.”

“So, do you have… are you with anyone?”

“No. I tried dating, but it didn’t feel right so it never went beyond dinner and coffee.” Blaine doesn’t understand why Kurt’s face seems to crumble at that. “I decided not to push myself. It would hardly be fair, anyway, when I still love you. I’m just afraid I’ll never stop and end up alone for the rest of my life because no one will ever be good enough. But, well. I did it to myself, so I have no right to complain.”

“Oh Blaine… You don’t love me.” Kurt’s face is serious, apologetic.

“Yes I do. I know I acted like an ass, but it wasn’t for lack of love! If anything, it was because I love you too much.”

“No, it’s not about that. You may love the boy you knew a year ago, the guy you left in that caf�, with his looks and personality, and plans, and dreams. That boy was happy and innocent, and whole, Blaine. I’m not. I’m broken. I may be broken beyond repair. You know nothing about my life this last year and believe me, you wouldn’t say you love me if you did. Not after all that.”

“So try me. Tell me. I want to know everything.”

“No, you really don’t. Because if you still love me, even just the memory of me, what I’d say would be really painful for you.”

“As painful as it was for you to live through it? I don’t think so. And I deserve painful, don’t you think?” Kurt just shakes his head stubbornly.

Blaine tries a different angle. “What about people who know all about it? Your family, friends? I bet they don’t care and still love you.”

“They don’t know. Nobody knows.”

“Wait, nobody? You never told anyone what’s going on with you? And nobody noticed you don’t sleep, don’t eat, work yourself to death?”

“No. They know I’ve been fairly depressed last year. Some people here might have noticed I seemed to party a bit too hard for a while. But that’s it, nobody knows the whole story and I like to keep it that way. I’m a good actor. And nobody cares enough to dig deeper.”

“I do. And I think you really need to tell somebody. You said it yourself: you need help. I want to help. So tell me. Please, Kurt. Just tell me.”

After another moment of hesitation, he does.

“When you left the caf�, I was stunned – what did just happen? Why did you freak out so much? Then your words sunk in and I understood you didn’t just go out to clear your head and come right back. But it made no sense, so I was sure it must be some mistake. I mean, I knew about the rehearsal, so I never even thought how the picture looked out of context. I decided to give you an hour or so to cool off and then get you to talk to me and explain, because seriously - �no sense at all. But then you didn’t pick up your phone all day or answer my texts and I began to suspect it was serious. When I went to your dorm the next day and learned that you moved out, I knew it really was.

For the first couple of days I must have been in shock. I don’t remember much of it, just lying on my bed and staring at my phone for hours, thinking that you would call any minute and say that you overreacted and� we need to talk about it.

I couldn’t understand what happened – I mean, we’ve never really talked about it, but knowing how comfortable you are with physicality, I thought you would be okay with the concept of certain degree of sexuality on stage. I hesitated about the offer myself, but the play was great, it had so much potential, so I considered it, decided to try the most risqu� scene out before I said yes. I’d never go for full nudity, but this was more suggestive than explicit, and Henri was straight, nice and more experienced in acting, so it felt comfortable. I was going to tell you before signing the contract but after I made up my mind, so that I could hear your opinion, but not just base my own on it.”

“That’s sensible. And I wouldn’t mind. I mean, I might have felt a bit jealous and possessive, but not to a degree where it would be a problem.”

“That’s exactly what I thought. But then you totally freaked out over a rehearsal photo, and you just went and left me. Because of a possibility of my acting in an erotic scene. It made no sense. So I thought about what happened, turned it over and over in my mind as days went by and you didn’t contact me at all – and I sent you dozens of texts and e-mails, and then wrote letters in case you lost your phone, forgot my number, had no internet access or something equally absurd. I was going crazy trying to understand. Finally, I came to the only logical conclusion – that you just wanted out and this was a good opportunity to end things. You know, I’ve always feared that I’d lose you here, with so many other options available. That I’m not good enough for you.” His voice shakes and he hides his face in a couch cushion.

“Kurt? Kurt, please, look at me.” The wide eyes seem very blue and bright with unshed tears. “Kurt, that’s exactly what I thought about you. That you finally realized I’m not worth it and found someone better.”

Kurt shakes his head incredulously. “Are you crazy? You’re perfect for me.” He blushes and looks away, realizing the present tense.

“Well, I must have been crazy then. And so did you. You’ve always been perfect for me.”

“Not anymore.”

“Let me be the judge of that. What happened next?”

“Rachel happened. Oh don’t look at me like that, not this way, are you out of your mind? I’m not that broken, even now.

No. It’d been two weeks and I was so depressed that my roommate decided drastic measures had to be taken. He knew that beside you, Rachel was the only person I was really close to here so he took my phone and demanded intervention. She was in her element, of course. She got all bossy. Came to the dorm like a hurricane and made me her charity project of the month. She was there every day. Made me eat, sleep, change my clothes every now and then. Made me go back to work. Sat with me when I cried or ranted. She may not be your biggest fan after that. Sorry.”

“I gathered as much. Remind me to send her flowers.”

“Why?”

“She helped you. She was there for you.”

“Yeah, she was. And it wasn’t easy, believe me. I’ve never been as bitchy in my life and that’s saying something, don’t you think? Everyone in their right mind ran and hid when they saw me after the few initial blasts of my charms. I even managed to drive Paul away and that was a feat I thought I’d never manage.”

Blaine’s heart loses a beat at that name. “Paul?”

Kurt shrugs dismissively. “Oh, just a guy from classes. And the theatre, he worked there part time and actually told me about auditions for that play. He had a crush on me. Of epic proportions. He thought I was the love of his life, his soulmate, his other half, I just needed to realize it. He started to talk to me about marriage once! I tried to discourage him gently at first, then less so, �but nothing worked. I was out of ideas on how to show him I was not interested. I guess my bitch phase opened his eyes.”

“The theatre. Oh my god. Kurt, did he see that rehearsal?” Blaine feels like he can’t get enough air in his lungs.

“He might have, he was always there somewhere. Why?”

Blaine reaches to his bag and takes out his laptop. He turns it on, finds the old e-mail and places the machine in front of Kurt, who scrolls through the message, eyes wide.

“Wow, they do look convincing. They could almost fool me if I didn’t know what I was doing there.” Then he checks the sender’s address and suddenly spews a string of profanities Blaine would never expect to hear from him, before shooting through the room with impossible speed. “My phone. Have you seen my phone? Oh, here. Shit, it’s dead.”

He returns with a charger, plugs the phone in and switches it on. The look on his face is scary. Blaine feels sorry for the person whose name Kurt just stabbed. After a few seconds the unlucky individual answers and Kurt’s pale face darkens.

“Don’t ‘hi Kurt’ me, Paul!” he snarls and Blaine stops feeling sorry and clenches his fists, trying to control anger that shoots through him like a bullet, while Kurt continues. “Paul, I want you to listen very carefully. Pray to whatever deity you believe in that I never meet you again because if I do, I’m gonna hurt you. Slowly and with great pleasure. And after I’m done with that, I’m going to destroy your life. Piece by fucking piece. And believe me, with all the things you told me and the level of hatred I feel, you will be still gathering the pieces five years from now. You know I’m perfectly capable of that, don’t you? So if I were you, I’d start arranging a transfer. I heard Siberia is beautiful and it’s suitably far away.”

There’s a beat of silence, then… “What happened? You dare to ask me what happened?! I’m sitting here with Blaine, Paul. Remember Blaine? My ex-boyfriend? I’m just looking at a certain message in his inbox. Do I need to say more? No? ... What?!”

Blaine can see that Kurt’s breaking apart. He’s shaking all over, bad, and he breathes fast enough to hyperventilate. Blaine gets up and stands in front of the other boy to stop his incessant pacing. Taking the phone out of his hand, he disconnects the pleading voice on the other end and pulls Kurt into a tight hug. He feels the thin frame tremble violently, hears the first sobs muffled by his shoulder. It’s the most natural thing to sit back down, pulling Kurt into his lap like a scared child, and just sit there, stroking his back soothingly until the tears run dry and the shaking subsides, much later.

“He thought with you out of the way he’d stand a chance.” Kurt’s voice is rough, ragged. “He destroyed my life – both of our lives – because he couldn’t take no for an answer.”

Blaine doesn’t say anything because really, what can he say? The truth is, it shouldn’t have worked. It should have taken all of one short conversation to clear it up. Guilt is like a heavy black cloud over his head.

After a while Kurt extracts himself from his embrace.

“I’m sorry. Your shirt is soaked through.”

“Don’t worry about it. I have a change of clothes.” Blaine goes to his bag and takes out a fresh T-shirt. He changes quickly, without thinking, and turns to find Kurt watching him with a weird expression. He laughs nervously, running his hand through his hair. “Sorry. Did I make you uncomfortable? I won’t do it again if it bothers you. It’s just that I’m so used to living alone now that I didn’t even think. Anyway… we could eat some lunch and go for a walk, what do you think? You need a break from this talk, we’ll come back to it later.”

Kurt just nod silently and follows Blaine to the kitchen. They make sandwiches together and eat them in comfortable silence. A while later, when they are almost out the door, Blaine does a double take.

“Kurt, it’s insanely hot today. Are you sure you don’t want to wear something lighter?” Kurt still has the long-sleeved, thick cotton T-shirt on.

“No, don’t worry. I’m just hardly ever warm anymore. Must be all this weight loss. Most of the time I’m freezing, even when it’s hot.”

They walk aimlessly for an hour, just talking, then sit in a nearby caf�. The conversation is easy and effortless – about classes, old friends, families. Blaine can’t help feeling that he is where he was supposed to be all along. When they are walking back, Kurt asks carefully.

“When do you have to go back? You must have more important things to do than babysit me.”

“Why, are you tired of me already?”

“No, not at all.”

“Because if you’re not throwing me out, I’d like to stay at least till tomorrow – feed you up some more, talk, you know. I called and cancelled my next gig so I’m free for two more days and even later I work mostly evenings.”

“Good. That’s… thank you, Blaine” Kurt says quietly.