There wasn't time, Kurt decides. If they kissed again, they wouldn't have wanted to stop, and with a plane to catch in a few hours, Blaine just couldn't afford this kind of distraction. That's all. But the night was real – the sweet caress of Blaine's hand cupping his cheek, Blaine's lips and his body so close, so clearly showing what he wanted. And he wanted Kurt. Not just as a friend. There was no doubt about it.

There just wasn't time to talk about it afterwards, and so Kurt has to be patient just for a little bit longer, until Blaine comes back on January 2 and they can have a proper heart to heart.

He can do this.

xXxXx

He can't do it. He can't, his heart beating out of his chest as he runs down the stairs, trying to keep the rising panic at bay even as he keeps his smile plastered on his face. Away from Kurt in the doorway with his hopeful, confused expression, out into the cold fresh air. The need to run is ridiculous. Blaine forces himself to walk to the subway at a normal, if brisk, pace.

It seemed so easy, in the darkness, with the soft warm buffer of alcohol and music and happiness. It felt so natural to have Kurt in his arms and kiss him like he's wanted to every day since Kurt knocked on his dorm room door. And it was so good, the way it's never been with anyone else. The way Blaine is pretty sure it will never be with anyone but Kurt. Because with Kurt, it's just... right. His body hums with the lightest touch, his heart is at peace, content. Happy.

This night was perfect.

It was also a mistake.

Because now, faced with the possibility of getting back what they had before, Blaine has realized how unprepared he is to make himself so vulnerable again, to put his heart back in Kurt's hands.

Kurt. The boy he loves. The boy who already broke him once.

If he were to do it again, Blaine is sure he wouldn't survive. There would be nothing left to pick up and glue back together, like he did the first time. If Kurt were to be with him now, openly and truly, and then decide Blaine isn't what he wants or needs – if now, in different circumstances, in a real relationship Kurt realizes he doesn't feel for him what his younger self did... Everything in him recoils at the memory of the pain.

He wants Kurt, more than anything he ever wanted. He wants to trust him.

But he can't. He's not brave enough.

xXxXx

The actual Christmas celebration at Kurt and Rachel's is nice, but subdued somehow without Blaine and his guitar, and with too many memories crowding in instead. They can't help but wonder what their parents are doing now, how they have been managing. Kurt tries not to think about it most of the time, and he knows Rachel does too, but holidays and other special occasions like birthdays always bring it back, this baggage of guilt that weighs them down.

What would their parents do if they learned they are alive? Would they reveal it to the rest of the community? And if they did, what would be the consequences?

One day they may take this step. But not yet.

The remaining December days trickle slowly – sewing and work and sleep, again and again. Blaine texts often and calls every night as usual, but their conversations are short and never veer beyond the friend zone. Not that it's too surprising – they can't really have the big, important conversation about that night and their feelings over the phone, can they?

Even the evenings are quiet, with Rachel spending time with her new actor friends nearly every day now. There's a big New Year's party they are throwing, and Rachel asks Kurt if he would like to go with her, but he doesn't feel like it. A crowd of strangers crammed in some apartment, with loud music and a sea of alcohol is not really his idea of fun. He tells her to go though, and then he spends the evening drinking cranberry juice and reading a book, pointedly not waiting for Blaine's texts from the New Directions Veterans' party. He watches the fireworks from the fire escape and then comes back in from the cold, burrows in his warm bed and falls asleep hoping for a new year that will be so much better than the last two.

Rachel doesn't come home until noon the next day, and when she does, Kurt frowns at the state she's in. Her make-up is smudged, her coat open and scarf off despite the bitter cold outside, and she has a dark hickey on her neck that makes him bristle, the protective instinct kicking in.

"Did you just go all through New York like this? Are you crazy? It's freezing!"

But she just gives him a bright smile, looking so giddy and happy that Kurt's worry deflates somewhat. "Oh, no, a friend gave me a lift. It was warm in his car. Hi Kurt!"

She bounces over to him like a manic, affectionate puppy, and it's only when she's up close hugging him tight that he realizes her breath smells of alcohol so strongly it could probably catch fire. Frowning, he pushes her gently away until she's at arm's length and looks her over carefully.

"Jeez, are you still drunk?"

She gives him a coy, mischievous smile. "Maybe a little?" She dances the few steps to the kitchen sink and nearly trips over her own heels. "Oops. Maybe a little more."

Kurt walks over to her and pours her a glass of water. She downs half of it with a moan. Kurt shakes his head.

"Did you sleep at all?"

She giggles. "Nope. There was too much fun to sleep. But I–" she breaks and takes another sip of water.

"You what?"

"I– think I'll shower and go to bed. I'm exhausted." She gives an exaggerated yawn, kicks off her heels and heads to the bathroom.

When she exits fifteen minutes later, there's no sign of that seductive girl who left for the party last night. She's in her purple flannel pajamas and fuzzy socks, her tired face clean and pink, and her hair gathered in a loose braid that flows halfway down her back. Kurt follows her to the bedroom and watches as she settles on her side, curled under the covers.

"Do you need anything?"

Her eyes are already drooping, but she still smiles and Kurt's heart warms fondly. "Some more water would be lovely," she says.

When he returns with the glass, Rachel's eyes are closed, but her hand catches his when he leans down to kiss her forehead. "Cuddle with me?"

"Okay."

No matter how much time passes or where they are, this will always feel like home – the closeness between them that doesn't have anything to do with intimacy really, and everything with safety and protection. Kurt settles behind her over the covers and spoons her, causing a purr of delight.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Rachel says in a sleepy murmur after a while of silence. "I'm not a virgin anymore."

Kurt finds himself up on his elbow before he has time to process it. "What?"

She turns to him, smiling sheepishly. "I... had sex last night?"

Something dark and feral growls in Kurt's chest. "With whom?"

"Just, a guy."

"Just a guy?" Kurt can almost hear his teeth grind. She's saying it so lightly.

"Yeah. His name was Tristan."

That gets a disbelieving snort out of Kurt. "Really. Is that one of your friends from the group?"

"No, we only met last night." A defensive note starts to steal into Rachel's voice. She sounds much more sober now. "We danced half the night and then there was kissing and– I wanted him, Kurt. There was so much chemistry between us, it was crazy. So we found an empty bedroom and we did it."

Kurt doesn't really know what to say, so he just sits there, staring at her, his mouth agape. Who is this girl and what did she do with his hopeless romantic of a sister? Rachel starts to squirm under his stare, trying to pull the comforter up to her chin and failing, because he's sitting on it. So she bites her lip instead and quirks a little smile.

"Hey, I lost my virginity on New Year's Eve. There were fireworks," she jokes, but Kurt can see she's unnerved by his reaction.

Well what did she expect?

He finds his voice eventually. "I just. I can't believe you just did it like that."

This makes her bristle. "You're one to talk. You were sixteen when you slept with Blaine, weren't you?"

"Well yes," Kurt frowns. How can she even compare that? "But we had been in a relationship for months before we had sex, we knew each other, cared for each other. And if the circumstances had been different, we would have probably waited longer to get there. Don't you see the difference?" He huffs a disbelieving breath. "Are you and... Tristan dating now?"

Rachel glares at him. "No. We both agreed it was a one-time thing. We had a fun night, he drove me home and that's that."

Kurt has a strong urge to facepalm. "Was he at least sober when he sat behind the wheel?"

"Yes." She sounds offended. "I wouldn't have gotten in a car with a drunk man."

Like she would have even noticed in her state. "Did you use protection?"

"Of course we did. God, Kurt, please stop treating me like a child," she snaps. "I'm a strong single woman, free to own my sexuality. I've been told for years that my virginity was some sacred untouchable thing; now I can finally make the decisions about my body."

"So you go and give it up to the first guy who's interested? Way to go, how very liberated of you."

For a moment, she looks like she's about to slap him, then decides otherwise, her face set in an angry frown.

"Why, are you jealous? It was yours to take, after all. Was I supposed to keep my pure and untouched status for you even after we escaped? Even when you didn't want it?" Her voice is hard, vicious now.

"What? Of course not, come on." Kurt rolls his eyes. "It's just... I love you, Rach. I don't want to see you hurt," he says in a softer voice.

He takes her hand and she doesn't jerk it away. That's something at least.

"Well I guess adulthood comes with hurt whether we want it or not," she says. "And I need to find my way, start controlling my life at last. I can't stay under your wing forever." When Kurt doesn't answer, she shoots him a mischievous grin. "And the sex was awesome. So say what you want. And now I really need to sleep."

Kurt sighs and settles back behind her to snuggle for a while. But even as her breath evens out and her body slumps against him in a way that has been so familiar for years, he can't shake off the feeling that something has just changed forever.

When Blaine comes back, it's nothing like any of the countless scenarios Kurt has been imagining in his absence. Yes, he does call him the moment he's back in his dorm room. Yes, he wants to meet the very same night, after Kurt's shift ends. But he asks for Rachel to be there, too.

Well, maybe he just wants her to witness them getting back together? Maybe they don't need to talk about it, or at least not just yet – maybe it will simply happen, a kiss hello or their hands joined as they walk?

Whatever it is, Kurt needs it to happen yesterday.

What he gets instead is Blaine, very happy to see them both, hugging them hello and announcing that he'd come up with an amazing plan to... start exploring the city together. They should do it properly, he insists – the touristy spots and the locals' perspective, finding places to call their own and making new memories. They were all too busy to do much of it in the first months of living here, so now is the time. So what if neither of them has much free time, or that it's cold and the snow has mostly melted, leaving behind dirty sludge? It will be fun. They can do it together. Friends! Yay!

Kurt has to fight a violent urge to groan.

And yes, of course it's fun. All through January, they meet two or three times a week and wander the streets until their legs hurt and their noses go numb and runny in the cold. Sometimes, especially on Sundays, they do it in the morning, but usually they start at Kurt's Starbucks around seven or eight in the evening, and then move to whatever destination or route Blaine has thought up this time, no matter that it's dark and cold and late. More often than not, they don't get home until midnight. And yes, New York is breathtaking and Kurt loves to see all the various sides of it. But for some reason finding new places to see and new routes to walk has become the main thing on Blaine's mind since he came back from Lima.

They don't talk about that night. Or about feelings of any kind. Not even when Rachel isn't with them. Even then, Blaine doesn't move an inch beyond being the utterly charming, caring and perfect friend.

It's hard because it's so confusing, and sometimes it makes Kurt want to scream, not knowing where they stand. He was so sure, that night before Christmas. He was positive he knew the look in Blaine's eyes and the heat in his kisses. But now, he knows nothing again.

It doesn't help that things are shaky at home, too. Rachel is on a mission to "challenge herself and work towards her goals", which translates to a lot of late night absences, club visits and parties with her new friends who, Kurt suspects, are not that good of an influence on a naïve girl like her. They fight about it too often – Rachel insisting she's just being young and free like she never could before, and Kurt claiming she's getting in over her head, drinking and partying, and, he suspects, hooking up, though she never tells him anymore if she does. They can't really afford the lifestyle she's leading now, even with the regular money from Kurt's sewing, but somehow, she always finds ways to go out with the others without making a noticeable dent in their budget.

But it's not all bad. There are days when they still enjoy each other's company. There are nights, like seeing Wicked with Blaine, when the magic and wonder of being here in New York hits them right between the eyes and all they can do is to be thankful for what they have. There are times when Kurt realizes no one will ever know him as well as Rachel does.

"You've never told him how you feel, have you?" she asks one night after Kurt comes back from yet another evening with Blaine, frustrated with the heartache of having him so close, and yet so distant. "You haven't taken my advice at all, with that song. You found him, but you never told him."

"No," he admits, and he doesn't have to explain. With one look, she knows he doesn't want to talk about it, knows that warm milk with a bit of nutmeg will soothe him best. She knows to come to his bed and curl with him and ramble about small unimportant things that have nothing to do with Blaine until he falls asleep.

She's difficult sometimes, but Kurt doesn't know what he would do without her.

"Come on, it will be fun." Blaine is sitting on a high stool in their kitchen as Kurt sews yet another mini messenger bag from colorful suede with contrasting thread. He finishes the neat, even stitching and looks up at Blaine.

"I told you, I'm not a fan of parties. Especially when I don't know anyone."

This doesn't seem to discourage Blaine. "But you will know me. And it's not a big party, just some people from my study group. Please? You never get to have any fun or meet new people. I'd love to have you there."

Kurt could tell him that he has plenty of fun with him and Rachel, and that he meets new people constantly at work and it's exhausting, but it would be pointless. He can't resist those amber eyes and the pleading tone anyway.

So instead, he sighs internally, smiles as honestly as he can and agrees to go.

Which leads to this evening, and really, if Kurt were to choose a torture, he could hardly pick a more effective one.

The party is in an apartment rented by four of Blaine's college friends. It's quite big by New York standards, and there is just over a dozen people attending, which makes it pretty manageable, just like Blaine promised. It's definitely not one of those college bashes Kurt hears students talk about in the coffee shop sometimes – loud and crowded, with alcohol flowing freely and everyone making out with everyone else. When he and Blaine come in, some people are sitting around talking, some are playing video games, a few dance to the loud, but not deafening music, and everyone seems to be having fun. There's beer and wine coolers available, and some stronger alcohol for mixing, but no one seems to be on their way to getting violently drunk. Blaine stays by Kurt's side most of the time, mindful of his discomfort, and everyone is quite nice and welcoming, and yet–

And yet Kurt hasn't felt this miserable in a group of people for a long time.

It's nothing in particular – just a mix of things he hears and sees, and the thoughts it gives him. The questions about what he studies, where he works, what his career plans are, and the stares he gets when he answers truthfully, though without much detail. The conversations about school projects and performances, excited chatter about vacations and summer internships and plays that will be performed this semester. Involved discussion about stage techniques, with names and inside jokes flying around as Kurt sits around, feeling dumb. Dramatic stories of life-changing problems that include a failed exam and a dilemma about a boob-job that could potentially forward or ruin someone's acting career.

And the longer he sits there, the more out of place he feels.

What has he been thinking, expecting Blaine to want to go back to what they had for those fleeting months back in high school? They were just kids then, naïve sixteen-year-olds in Ohio.

This is New York, and Blaine is in college, surrounded by talented, interesting people with well-rounded lives and bright futures, with money and common passions and shared experiences. He's well liked and popular among his peers, and Kurt is pretty sure the curvy blond girl has a wild crush on him, along with her beautiful, redhead friend who looks like a model. They both spend half the party openly flirting with Blaine, who never once says anything to discourage them – on the contrary, he seems to bloom under the attention he's getting. From his observation perch in the corner, Kurt can see a boy with dimples eyeing them sulkily. He has a feeling it's not because he'd like to pick up the girls himself. It's not them he's watching like a hawk.

How could Kurt have not realized until now? Of course Blaine would be a college heartthrob, of course he would shine so bright here where he can spread his wings and show the whole world his talents, his kindness and beauty.

He's so out of Kurt's league it's not even funny.

What does Kurt have to offer him? Uneducated, dull, poor, with a shattered life that he's trying to rebuild from the ground up – really, he should be grateful that Blaine is so generous with his time and his friendship, and let go of his silly notions and expectations.

So they kissed. So what? It was probably just for old times' sake, reliving nice memories. They're both single, as far as Kurt knows. A little kissing doesn't have to mean anything. Even if it meant the world to Kurt.

He excuses himself from the party before midnight, claiming to have a headache and a lot of work early in the morning. Blaine offers to walk him to the subway, but Kurt tells him to stay – it's not that far and there's no need for him to leave early, too.

And then he goes home and, for the first time glad that Rachel is out late again, he cries himself to sleep like a lonely, helpless child.

----------------------------------------------------------

Chapter art: Adulthood hurts

Chapter songs: Overprotected by Britney Spears

Just Good Friends by Fish

Creep by Radiohead

The next chapter will be posted on Wednesday 09 October (oh look, I'll be serving fic on my birthday! who's bringing cake and wine instead? :P).