14. BARE

It took Kurt hours to calm down enough to be sure he wouldn’t risk cutting Blaine with his words when they talked. Because damn it, they would talk, even if he had to force Blaine to speak. But not like this; not when Kurt’s temper, always so easy to keep in check around Blaine, was flaring. Kurt knew how to hurt with words, he’d learned it early enough; he could pierce deep and aim where it hurt most. And with the state of his mind tonight, the few drinks he’d had and his perfect knowledge of all of Blaine’s weak points… well, it would have been a fucking bloodbath if he hadn’t walked out.

Kurt was furious, so mad he wanted to scream and punch things – so he did, in the middle of a large empty park several blocks from their apartment. Once his throat felt raw and his knuckles stopped throbbing – at least mostly – from assaulting a tree, he ran along the pathways until his lungs hurt and his legs felt like jelly. Only then was he able to slow down and walk to a nearby 24-hour coffee shop, where he spent the next four hours, drinking coffee after coffee, contemplating his shredded hand and thinking.

The force of his anger stunned him, now that he’d calmed down a little. He’d gone from mildly irritated to close to exploding in under five minutes. It felt like every little hurt and annoyance with Blaine that Kurt had ever felt and pushed down had blown up all at once. It scared him, but also made him realize how used he was to suppressing any negative emotions when it came to Blaine.

It had started right after the rape, when Blaine had simply been too broken to deal with Kurt’s emotions in addition to his own. Somehow, by the time he’d become whole and strong again, Kurt had learned to instinctively hide any sign of irritation or hurt Blaine ever accidentally caused. And he hadn’t even realized it up until now.

This was some serious food for thought though; things couldn’t go on this way. It was not only unhealthy to bottle things up, but potentially destructive for their relationship in the long run. It would lead to frustration and resentment. He – no, they – would have to work on that. Among other things. The first of which was Blaine’s sudden paranoia and jealousy, and his constant nightmares; they couldn’t be attributed to just stress anymore. There was more to it and Kurt was going to find out what it was. And then figure out how to help. He breathed deeply, calm finally settling in his bones and enveloping his mind, even though he was starting to feel jittery from the amount of caffeine he’d consumed.

He wanted his sweet, amazing boyfriend back. He wanted Blaine to be happy and feel safe with him again.

Kurt left his unfinished coffee and went home.

Dawn was beginning to color the sky pale pink when Kurt entered the apartment, stepping quietly. He expected to find Blaine in bed, but the room was empty. He looked in the living room, and there he was, exactly where Kurt left him hours ago – curled in an obviously uncomfortable position against the armrest, asleep. Blaine’s face was tense, his eyes puffy, tear tracks dried on his cheeks.

Kurt knelt down by the couch and laid a gentle hand on Blaine’s stubble-covered cheek. Amber eyes blinked open immediately, a bit unfocused from sleep, but flooding with relief as soon as Blaine registered his presence. Kurt’s heart ached with love; he leaned in to capture his boyfriend’s lips in a soft, apologetic kiss.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I love you so much, Blaine. You and no one else. I don’t want other guys, never did. I chose you, I’ll always choose you, for life, if you let me. But I don’t know what else I can do or say for you to believe it. I can’t make you trust me, Blaine. And it hurts that you don’t, not fully. But-“

But he didn’t finish what he wanted to say or promise, because then Blaine’s head was on his shoulder, his arms tight around Kurt’s waist and his lips speaking urgently into the skin of his neck.

“I know, Kurt. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

They stayed like that, clinging to each other tightly, trying not to imagine what it would be like if they let anything break them apart.

***

Blaine felt his heart slow down at last, his body relax for the first time in hours, maybe days. It was like immersing himself in warm water and letting it carry him, hold his weight. It was time to let go. He couldn’t do this by himself anymore.

“I keep seeing you go,” he whispered hoarsely against Kurt’s skin, opening the gates and hoping that the flood that was sure to come wouldn’t be the end of them.

“What?” Kurt’s arms tightened around Blaine’s shoulders.

“In my dreams. The nightmares. They aren’t about Eric, they’re about you.” He heard Kurt inhale sharply. “I keep dreaming about you telling me you don’t want to be with me anymore. Or seeing you with another guy, kissing, sometimes having sex. But the worst one is where I think I’m waking up and you’re not there, and neither are any of your things; it’s like you’ve never even lived here. Like I’ve imagined you.”

Kurt’s hand was stroking soothing circles on his back, and he wasn’t letting go. Kurt got him, he was safe. But it was only the beginning.

“I’m afraid, Kurt. I’m so fucking afraid to lose you. It rips me apart and all the ugly things come out; the jealousy, the possessiveness. I can’t contain it, it’s like some monster taking over and I can only stand back and watch it hurt you. I’m sorry, Kurt. I’m so, so sorry.”

Kurt’s voice was calm when he pulled back enough to look Blaine in the eyes.

“You don’t trust me.”

“No! No, that’s not it, of course I trust you. There’s no one I trust more than you.”

“And yet, you still don’t trust me completely. Not enough to believe me when I keep saying I’d never leave you. Why, Blaine?”

“I… Because…” Oh god, it was so obvious! Why did he even have to spell it out? “Kurt, I’d understand if you left me. I just keep waiting for the axe to drop, you know? It has nothing to do with trust.”

He dared to look up again and found such a deep sadness in Kurt’s eyes that his heart nearly broke. Kurt stroked his face, his touch achingly tender.

“It has everything to do with trust. You don’t trust me to mean what I say or know what I want. Why, Blaine? Do you see me as unreliable or stupid? Have I even said or done anything to make you doubt me?”

Blaine shook his head vehemently, his eyes wide.

“No, of course not!”

“Then why, Blaine? Please, explain it to me.”

“It’s just… Fuck. Kurt, isn’t it obvious? You’re one of the smartest guys I know, you’re gorgeous, you’re talented; why would you choose to stay with me when you can do so much better here?”

The look on Kurt’s face made him look anything but smart. He shook his head.

“I still don’t understand why you keep insisting anyone else would be better for me.”

Fuck, was Kurt being deliberately obtuse?

“Because of what I am, Kurt! You can have anyone here; guys hit on you left and right, you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”

Kurt shrugged.

“Okay, maybe I have. So what?”

“So what?! We’re not in Ohio anymore, Kurt! I’m no longer the only gay guy around. You have your pick of handsome, interesting, whole men here. You can have someone who won’t freak out when you touch his ass by accident, someone who will have sex with you however and whenever you want. Who isn’t broken and weak and-“

The flash of anger in Kurt’s eyes when he straightened rapidly out of Blaine’s embrace was something he hadn’t seen for a long time. Kurt’s voice was low and quiet when he spoke, keeping Blaine’s eyes like his life depended on it.

“You know what, I’m done hiding being hurt or angry at you, because those feelings are part of our relationship too. And right now I’m angry, Blaine. So I’ll spell it out for you, just once. Do with it what you want, okay?”

Blaine nodded his head, his heart somewhere around his trachea, making it hard to breathe, let alone answer. Kurt nodded too, all business now.

“Look at your hand, Blaine. See this ring? This is my promise. I made it then and I make it now; not because I have no other choice or I feel like I need to. I chose you, Blaine, and I still choose you, I always will. It was a conscious decision, the only one I could make, because I love you. I want you, not anyone else. I don’t care about other guys, or what I could do with them.”

“But you said you wanted to try-“

“Yes, I would say yes to trying anal sex if you ever wanted to. That’s the important part. Not with anyone else, just you.”

“But I’ll never be able to give you that.”

“And it’s fine.”

“But-“

“Blaine.” Kurt’s face softened, his hands came up to cup Blaine’s face and only now did he notice that one of them was swollen and bloody. “The only thing that I feel is missing from our sex life is seeing you naked. And I know that one day we’ll get there. You may find this hard to believe sometimes, but you’re not broken, baby. The way I see you? You’re beautiful, strong and perfect, and the only man I want, forever. But I refuse to change myself to prove it to you, Blaine. I won’t stop meeting my friends or talking to other people to make you believe me. I promise I’m not going to leave you, or cheat on you, ever. But your inability to trust me – I don’t think I can do anything more about it. Like I said, I can’t make you.”

Blaine’s eyes were full of tears that finally brimmed and spilled over to meet Kurt’s thumbs as they brushed his cheeks.

“I know. I’ll work on it. Just, like you said… It’s hard to believe, sometimes. That I could be your first choice.”

“You are. Do you think you need help with this? Meeting with a counselor maybe?”

“Maybe. I’ll call Bonnie; she said to contact her if I had any problems adapting to the new circumstances.”

“Okay. That’s a good idea, I think. Are we good, then?”

“We are. But you aren’t. What happened to your hand?”

Kurt shrugged dismissively.

“I had an altercation with a tree.”

Oh. Blaine stood up from the couch, his muscles aching after spending hours curled up. He took Kurt’s good hand.

“Come on, we need to clean this up.” Kurt started to protest, but he cut him off. “Let me take care of you. Please.”

After Kurt’s hand had been cleaned up and bandaged – fortunately no serious damage was done – they went to bed and slept until noon, holding to each other as tight as possible. Blaine decided to stay at home that day; he didn’t feel up to social interaction. Kurt went to meet with their study group in the library. As soon as he left, Blaine called his therapist. He was lucky to catch her at home with some time to spare, so she recommended a session through Skype like she sometimes did in emergency situations with her patients. An hour, lots of his rambling and a dozen of just the right questions later, Blaine took off his headphones, head spinning.

Wow. He did have trust issues.

Which was quite understandable, considering the fact that the last man he’d opened himself up to, whom he’d trusted with his body and feelings, had raped him. But this was about Kurt now. Kurt, whom he was positive he could trust with his life, and his mind knew this perfectly well. He just needed to somehow convince his subconscious.

And, to his surprise, he learned that his reluctance to let Kurt see him naked, which had been worrying him more and more lately, was probably directly connected to his inability to completely trust his boyfriend. Now that was food for thought.

And think he did. Over the next few days Blaine did a lot of thinking – pondering, imagining, organizing stuff in his head. He was often quiet, sometimes anxious; thankfully Kurt gave him the space he needed, yet always stayed close, in case Blaine wanted to talk or cuddle. Because that was what he’d always done – understood him and his needs, and respected them. Just another reason why Blaine knew he could trust Kurt with anything, always.

A week passed before Blaine felt ready to try and ease himself slowly, gradually into trusting completely, opening up more. The weather was dreadful that Friday and after coming from their afternoon classes soaked through and freezing, they decided to spend a quiet evening in bed with movies and hot chocolate.

Blaine was stepping out of the shower where he’d been warming up, when just like that, it hit him – he wanted to do this, to take that first step he’d been thinking about. The moment just felt right. And even though his body reacted instinctively, tensing with anxiety again as soon as he thought about what he was going to do, he knew now it didn’t have to rule him. He dried himself quickly and wrapped the fluffy green towel around his waist before exiting the bathroom for the bedroom. Kurt glanced up at Blaine from the bed, where he’d been sitting with his laptop, and his mouth fell open. It looked like he stopped breathing entirely.

His hands trembling slightly, Blaine reached to loosen the towel and let it fall to the floor. Kurt gasped, his eyes wide and dark, unblinking, glued to Blaine’s body. He looked so awed, so aroused that any remaining doubts Blaine might have had left as he stood naked for a while longer. Finally, Kurt licked his lips and spoke, almost reverently.

“Oh god. You’re so… so perfect. So beautiful, Blaine. Sometimes I still can’t believe you’re mine.”

Blaine laughed softly.

“Always yours. But… I’ll just go grab my pants, okay? Babysteps; I need to get used to this.”

“Of course, you’re the one leading here.”

Blaine smiled and turned to go to the bathroom for his pajamas. He heard a desperate moan and looked over his shoulder fast enough to see Kurt press a hand to the bulge in his pants as he spoke, his voice considerably lower.

“Okay, I’ll leave that comment about your ass for when you’re more comfortable with this. For now I’m pretty speechless anyway.”

Blaine smirked.

They ended up giving up on the movie after half an hour, when they realized neither of them remembered a thing they’d seen so far. They turned off the laptop and spent a long, cozy evening, working on their, um… manual and oral performance. After midnight, when they lay spent and exhausted, their legs tangled together and their skin hypersensitive, Kurt murmured, almost on the verge of sleep.

“I’ve wanted to ask you for some time… Where did your sudden ability to deepthroat come from?”

 Blaine blushed.

“I, um… might have practiced. On bananas. And read about it. Just… for science, you know.”