CHAPTER 18

Blaine didn't quite know how he'd found himself in his current situation.

Well okay, technically, it wasn't true. Every separate step leading to where he was now made perfect sense. It was the end result that didn't.

Last night, after Kurt had returned from the theater, still elated but tired, there wasn't much time for celebration. Even if Blaine had managed to buy champagne, which he hadn't, the forty minutes they had together before he had to go meet Cooper for dinner was far from enough.

So early this morning, as soon as Coop left for work, Blaine got dressed and ran out the door. Minutes later, he was letting himself into Kurt's apartment and Kurt's bedroom, undressing quietly and sliding into the bed next to his naked, gorgeous boyfriend.

Kurt opened one sleepy eye, hummed contentedly and burrowed closer. His sleep-heated skin felt like heaven on Blaine's, cool with the early morning run. Within seconds, Kurt's breathing evened out again and Blaine was perfectly happy to close his eyes and catch some more sleep too, tangled up in his favorite person in the whole wide world.

 A few hours later, he found himself awake first, and he lay there quietly, smiling, until the change in Kurt's breathing told him he was waking up. He cuddled closer into his boyfriend's embrace then, starting a trail of kisses up the side of Kurt's neck to his ear.

"Good morning, La Nuit's rising star."

There was a hitch in Kurt's breathing, as if he just remembered the events of yesterday, and then  happy, sleep-rough laughter.

"Mm, someone wants to get laid." Kurt rolled to his side and pressed closer into Blaine's eager body. "Let me go pee and brush my teeth, and then... we could do just that?"

With a teasing kiss, Kurt jumped out of bed and disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Blaine stunned and aroused, wondering if he understood correctly.

He did.

And everything was perfect – the right time and circumstances, the want thrumming in Blaine's body, Kurt's hands trembling as he took forever to prepare him, and then some more to be sure. There was too much lube and a box of condoms open on the pillow, and Kurt's voice breaking slightly while asking him to turn over. And then there were Kurt's fingers again, stretching further, making sure. Pausing for a heartbeat, two, five. Too many.

Retreating.

"Wait, I want to try one more thing first." The words sounded light, slightly teasing maybe, and if Blaine thought it was strange, he ignored it, lost too deep in the want and excitement.

One more thing turned out to be an anal plug, elongated and curved, and, at its widest point, quite a bit thicker than anything Blaine had had inside him before, while still not as big as Kurt himself. The sensation of being stretched even further, opened and filled like this, left him raw and helpless, whimpering with the need for the toy to move, for Kurt to get there instead and just take him already.

Which was why Blaine's current circumstances made no sense.

He wasn't sprawled on Kurt's bed, being filled and fucked and taken apart with the perfection of Kurt's cock.

He was sitting – okay, more like hovering an inch over the chair – in a nearby coffee shop, afraid to move with the plug still deep inside his ass, rubbing in all the right spots (so very wrong in this situation) with the tiniest movement. It kept him constantly on the edge. Kurt was sitting opposite him, his eyes wide, untouched coffee in front of him.

How had he managed to convince Blaine to get up, get dressed and go for coffee of all things? That was what Blaine didn't understand.

Very carefully, he moved to try and get some weight off his elbows resting on the table, and onto the chair, and a moan ripped from his throat, unstoppable. The plug was curved right there and there was no way in hell Blaine could actually sit down without getting a very intense, way too loud and very public orgasm. The mere thought made his ass clench around the toy, pushing it further in, and he bit down on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from crying out.

His breath coming in shallow little pants, his vision blurry, he managed to whisper. "Kurt please. I'm begging you, can we go now? I need, god... Kurt."

And Kurt must have finally understood his desperation because not only did he get up and grab Blaine's hand, leaving their coffee to pull him towards the exit (Blaine trying very hard to walk like he wasn't being fucked with every step), but he actually led him to the narrow, cluttered alley behind the shop where some dumpsters hid them from view. Thank god. Blaine didn't think he could make it another step without moaning.

Then it was Kurt's body pushing him into a wall, both hands sliding to Blaine's ass to press him closer and Blaine did moan then, his face hidden in Kurt's neck. Between Kurt's kneading hands moving the toy and the hard press of his thigh, the world was spiraling, the coil tightening too fast to do anything but fall apart, hoping to be caught in spite of the circumstances or the place or Kurt's uncharacteristic silence.

It was weird afterwards, awkward in a way it had never been between them. Kurt led him the short way back to his apartment, wincing every time Blaine let out a hiss or bit his lip, the rub of the plug nearly unbearable now that the oversensitivity set in, and the wet discomfort in his pants making it worse. Once inside – and Blaine had never been so grateful for a functioning elevator – Kurt spoke at last, sounding so apologetic Blaine would hug him if he didn't have other, more pressing matters to take care of.

"God, I'm sorry, Blaine. It was such a stupid idea, I'm sorry, are you okay? Should I –" he made a somewhat helpless, vague gesture towards Blaine's pants and Blaine quickly shook his head. He needed a moment alone.

"I'm fine, I'm okay. I'll just go shower."

Kurt nodded, looking like he was about to cry, and Blaine forced a small smile to try and comfort him. He really was fine, he thought as he shut himself in the bathroom, got rid of the sticky clothes and stepped into the shower stall. Sore, as easing the plug gently out and touching his stretched rim proved, but essentially nothing bad had happened. So why did this feel so off?

The orgasm, though intense, had felt unsatisfactory somehow, as if something important was missing. Kurt's behavior was different, too, he realized, working the ginger-lemongrass body wash into a lather over his chest. Not all along, no. Starting... hm, around the time he decided on the plug? Probably, though Blaine couldn't be sure with the way his brain had been overloaded with want.

It almost felt like Kurt didn't want to fuck him though.

Blaine stilled, a trickle of shampoo suds finding its way to his eye, but he just rubbed at it absentmindedly. It couldn't be it, could it? Because minutes earlier Kurt had seemed just as desperate for it as Blaine was. Why would he change his mind?

Unless... did he decide it was not the right time after all? Did he want to do it some other day? But why? They didn't have that much time before Blaine's birthday and his –

Oh. His birthday. Was that it? Did Kurt decide, all of a sudden, to wait until then? The more Blaine thought about it, while rinsing the conditioner out of his hair and drying himself off, the more it seemed like the only logical explanation. Why such a sudden change of heart though? Why wouldn't Kurt just tell him?

He wanted to ask, he really did. But Kurt was so worried about him during the hour before he had to go to work, so apologetic and tender that Blaine didn't have the heart to discuss the topic further. He decided to stay and practice his set for the evening performance instead of going to the gym though, and by the time he had to go to the Hippo that evening, Kurt was still at the theater. He'd called to tell Blaine that he had to work most of the night, some overdue project, so they wouldn't meet until tomorrow evening, after all. But he promised he had a treat for him then, a field trip of sorts.

By the time they met the next evening, Kurt was his usual sweet, caring self, if tired-looking after the extra work, and Blaine had basically accepted that he was getting sex as his birthday rite of passage. He'd even gotten to the point of laughing yesterday's experience off.

So he'd had his first less-than-awesome sexual act. It happened.

Everything was alright.

***

Having finally flopped on his bed this Friday evening, long after Blaine had gone to the Hippo, Kurt wondered why he hadn't realized sooner that it was not going to happen. He should have seen it, should have understood earlier. Instead, the knowledge had been creeping up on his mind slowly like a shadow.

Though his body must have known for quite some time already. How else could he explain all those delicious, perfect opportunities when both he and Blaine had ached, wanted; when his beautiful boy had basically begged to be fucked – and yet, somehow, they'd ended up trying something else yet again. Kurt kept getting distracted despite everything being right and in place for that one last step forward.

At first, it was so easy to explain. It should be perfect, as wonderful a first time as he could give Blaine, so it was obvious that Kurt waited for just the right moment when they wouldn't have to hurry or worry about the time.

Then suddenly they had all the time they wanted. A whole week of constant touching, of sleeping together, and it would be the most natural thing to... but no. Afterall, there were still so many things he wanted to show Blaine first, so many steps that they could enjoy.

Then it was Cooper's disapproval. Next – his blessing being so fresh that they both felt like walking on eggshells, suddenly being official.

The excuse that finally made Kurt admit to his avoidance came this morning, when he was all poised to push into Blaine's sweet, eager heat at last: he was simply too big and afraid of hurting him.

(Which made no sense for two reasons. First, while being well-endowed, Kurt had no monster in his pants. Second, he'd never worried about it with any other guy. Ever. Not to mention Blaine's enthusiasm towards all the toys they'd used made it more than obvious he could handle it.)

So he'd made a last-second dodge, a stupid, idiotic decision that felt wrong as soon as he made it, and yet he pushed through with it. He'd taken what would have been right and perfect, what Blaine really wanted, and gave him a cheap substitute instead, on a whim – or a bout of panic, really – without explaining it or even asking first. It was wrong on so many levels, and now Kurt really hoped Blaine would be generous enough to forget and forgive him. Because Kurt couldn't forgive himself.

And now, after a torturously long day at work, it was time to look at the giant pink elephant in Kurt's bedroom. And once approached, the merry animal didn't shy away from flashing the truth right at him in bold neon-bright letters and then trampling all over his heart as it walked out.

For the first time Kurt lied to Blaine then. Some would say that it wasn't even lying when he said that he needed time alone to do some important stuff that he should have dealt with earlier. Still, in his mind it was as bad as an outward lie.

But he really needed that time away from his kind, loving, compassionate boyfriend. If only to spend it in his bed, letting himself break apart before putting on stitches and strengthening his walls that had somehow gotten so thin in the previous weeks that they were barely there anymore.

And that could not be accepted.

So motivations were analyzed and understood, decisions were made, and the last week before Blaine's birthday was planned. Kurt would fill it to the brim with attractions, pleasures for both body and mind as they caught the sweet golden hours of the passing summer, trying not to speak or even think of the fact that so very soon Blaine would be going back to Ohio.

They had so little time left.

***

Technically, Blaine shouldn't be let in. But an assurance from Kurt that the kid was – and would stay – with them, reinforced by a little incentive that Sebastian slipped to the bouncer behind Kurt's back, granted him a pass, and now he was standing by the door, looking around with wide, curious eyes.

Well, for a first visit to a gay club, this was definitely a good one, Sebastian thought. Much classier than the small town gay hole he himself used to visit almost religiously back in high school. He shook his head to get rid of the bleak memory and put his arms around both Kurt and Blaine's waists to lead them to the tall, glass and steel bar.

When Kurt had called him that morning – an actual morning, which was disturbing by itself – to ask if he would come with them tonight, Sebastian never hesitated. He would say yes anyway, jumping at the chance to watch these two interact, now that he'd learned about Kurt's unprecedented abstinence. And with Kurt's voice betraying a rough night, in that all-too-familiar way that Sebastian had hoped he would never hear again, there was nothing that could keep him away.

Which didn't mean he was planning to act as a third wheel – oh no, it had been way too long since he'd had any decent fun of the man on man variety. He'd just make sure that his incurable romantic of a friend hadn't gotten himself into trouble, first.

Or, he corrected after just a few minutes of watching Kurt in the club, how deep was the trouble that he had gotten himself into.

It didn't take all that long. Sebastian spent a single hour by the bar, sipping drinks and watching the happy couple, analyzing the way they danced, talked, kissed; Blaine getting looser and more relaxed by the minute, Kurt almost too attentive and caring, but tense in that almost imperceptible way that no one but those who knew him extremely well understood.

Finally, Sebastian pushed away from the bar with a deep sigh, downed the rest of his drink and went to find himself some company. There was nothing he could do tonight, so he could just as well go enjoy himself.

The talk could wait until tomorrow.

***

On Sunday afternoon, Kurt was sitting in his kitchen alone, a pencil in his hand, a glass of whiskey standing by the other, trying to occupy his mind with sketching. Blaine was out spending some time with Cooper, since it was his last full Sunday in New York. A week from now, he would be back in Ohio.

Kurt's phone rang and he sighed, seeing Sebastian's name on the display. Of course. He'd known there was an interrogation coming. His friend's determined face last night left no doubts about it, but Kurt had hoped it wouldn't be quite so soon. He swiped the screen and answered.

"Hi, Seb."

"Are you alone?" Sebastian wasn't one to beat about the bush.

"Yes."

"I'll be there in a moment." There was no room for argument. Kurt pushed the half-finished drawing aside – it looked too much like Blaine in a fancy suit anyway – and got up to take out a second glass.

"Okay, talk to me." Sebastian commanded before his ass even touched the chair.

"About what?"

"Your sudden chastity. It's unlike you. Is your boy such a prude? Because he certainly doesn't seem to be, the way he looks at you like he wants to devour you."

Kurt fiddled with his glass. The fact he'd known the talk was coming didn't mean he was ready for it. "It's complicated."

"... or be devoured."

"Let it go, Seb."

No such luck, of course.

"So how come you haven't tapped that yet?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me. You'd be surprised how much I can understand. I'm pretty smart, you see, I just hide it really well. It's my big secret, and now you're in on it. So spill. I can see there's something bothering you."

Kurt sighed. Maybe he should. There was no one else he could really talk to about it, and it had been killing him for the last two days.

"It's just... I can't."

"Surely you're not telling me you've gone soft, are you? Or has your dick gotten so blue it fell off?"

Ugh. Or maybe it was a bad idea. “Seb –“

"Okay, kidding aside. What's wrong?"

Kurt took a deep breath and a deeper drink of his whiskey. He put the empty glass down and stared at it. His friend waited patiently. Finally, Kurt shrugged.

"I guess... I think I'm afraid. Like if I do this, I'll get too close, grow attached. Fall too deep, again."

Sebastian nodded sagely.

"I hate to break it to you, but you already seem plenty attached. More attached that I've seen you in a long, long time. So what's this one simple step?"

"Yeah, but that's it – I can't be attached, Seb. He'll go away, and that will be it. Long-distance never works, and he's so young. He may think it's gonna last, but with time, it will fade into nothing. He'll meet someone else, forget me. And it feels like taking this one last step will seal it. It's gonna be too much, too close, and I won't be able to –"

"To lie to yourself anymore?"

Kurt just shook his head and refilled his glass, words stuck in his throat. Seb sighed and pushed his own glass forward to be filled, too. His voice was soft and concerned when he spoke again.

"Oh, babe. You've already fallen, haven't you? You love that ridiculously adorable kid."

Kurt's hand trembled when he took the glass and drained it in one go. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to.

"Oh fuck, pretty. You're in trouble."

They sat in silence for a while, each lost in his own thoughts, but then Sebastian spoke again.

"So what, you're gonna break up with him before he goes? Because that would be a shitty move, Kurt. The way he looks at you –"

"No." The answer was immediate, no thinking needed. This had never been an option. "Of course not. I couldn't do this to him, break his heart."

"So you'll just let him break yours when the time comes." Sebastian sighed. "Damn, Kurt, how do you always do that? I mean, I'll be there with ice cream, alcohol and friendly make-outs when the time comes, of course, but –"

"But?"

"Just... take care of yourself, okay? I don't want to have to scrape you off a New York sidewalk one day. I really prefer you in one piece."

Kurt just nodded. They'd never talked about that one night back when, and they would continue not to. But they both knew: sometimes, love was too much.