CHAPTER 9

I’m out of love but I can’t forget the past

I’m out of words but I’m sure it’ll never last

It’s as if this conversation unlocked something in Kurt. As days pass, he’s becoming less sulky and more of his old self. He’s always impeccably dressed again, his hair styled to perfection, his witty humor returns. But there’s always a touch of melancholy in his eyes nowadays, instead of his old energy and sparkle – it saddens me, but it’s better that the defeat that lived there earlier this year. I just hope that in time this too will disappear.

Thankfully, our short detour into sex didn’t have detrimental effect on our friendship. The fact that we tried and were comfortable enough to talk about it honestly afterwards seems to have brought us even closer instead. It‘s as if we added another level of trust to our relationship. Sure, I still fantasize about Kurt sometimes – it’s hard not to after seeing him naked, hearing him come, tasting him. When he hits high notes, singing in the shower, I can’t help but shiver with the memory of him coming apart under me, beautiful, responsive, for the shortest moment mine. But these are all just fantasies now – I’m perfectly fine with never touching him like that again. Nothing, absolutely nothing is worth losing my best friend.

One Sunday morning I stumble out from my bedroom to find Kurt already fully dressed and caffeinated, sitting on the couch with a sketchbook and his old pencil case. I take my time showering and eating breakfast. When I join him in the living room, I’m already fully awake. He’s drawing. Doodles of figures in colorful outfits crowd the page of the sketchbook. I can see that the large pad is already half-full.

“You’re designing again! Kurt, it’s wonderful!”

“Not really. Not yet at least. Just trying to get back in the groove. But… yeah, I woke up three hours ago with an urge to draw that I haven’t felt in a long time, so it’s probably a step in the right direction.”

“Great! Are you thinking about going back into fashion then?” I can’t contain my joy at seeing Kurt doing what he loves again, so I bounce a little in my seat.

He chuckles softly. “Blaine, you’re like an overenthusiastic puppy sometimes, has anyone ever told you? I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, I’m still trying to figure out what I want and how I can get it. We’ll see. There’s not much I can do in this field without a degree anyway.”

“You can always get back to college for your final year.”

“It’s not that easy though, did you see how much, or rather how little I earn? Even living here with you and not paying rent, it would take a long time to save enough to go back to college. And I’ll have to move out one day, which will make it even more impossible.”

“Wait, what, why? You want to move out?”

“No, silly. I’m happy living here with you. But you’ll want me out one day when you have a boyfriend and want to live with him.”

I laugh, relieved. He scared me for a moment. “Not gonna happen. I told you, I’m done with dating and relationships. I’d rather live here with you, maybe hook up with someone every now and then, but that’s it. I have the perfect plan. You’ll go back into fashion and take the runways by storm, by thirty you’ll have your own line of couture, and I’ll be able to quit my banking job and go into music once I have money from the trust fund. And we will still live together and…” I break and try to cover sudden embarrassment with laughter. “Oops, overenthusiastic again. You may be right about the puppy thing.”

Kurt’s eyes are soft as he looks at me.

“Is that how you see our future?”

I blush. “Not really. Okay, sometimes. I was serious about the career paths. But yeah, I know the whole living together forever thing isn’t gonna happen, because you’ll find your knight in a shining armor one day and ride away into the sunset with him. But one can dream, right? I just really like living with you.”

“Oh, I do too, believe me. And I wouldn’t be too sure about that knight. Or the fashion career. Call me a pessimist, but it’s much more probable that I’ll just work somewhere, anywhere, maybe as a mechanic, just to be able to pay the bills. Nobody says you have to like your job, right? And I guess I will date at some point, trying to find someone better that Marcus, which really shouldn’t be that difficult, and one day I’ll probably meet someone good enough to settle for. And I’ll spend the rest of my life between my uninspiring job and moderately pleasant home. Oh wow. Now I’m depressed.” He leans heavily against the back of the couch.

I grab his hand, not caring that there’s a pencil there that insists on getting into close relationship with my wrist. I look into Kurt’s eyes fiercely.

“No, Kurt. You won’t settle. Sorry, but I won’t let you give up like that. You can’t just waste this kind of talent, throw it away. I know you will do anything to go back to doing what you love and what you’re amazing at. Because the Kurt I know is nothing if not determined and would never give up on his dreams. And you will find the perfect man. You’ll get married and organize a breathtaking wedding, and you’ll have beautiful babies and a lovely house full of laughter and music. And I’ll be your kids’ favorite uncle.”

Kurt sniffles, his eyes a little wet.

“Thank you, Blaine. It all sounds perfect, except for that part where you forgot to mention the love of your life and your children, but come on, you’ve seen how good I am at choosing men.”

“So you’ll keep looking until you find the right one. Because you deserve the best man there is, Kurt. You deserve someone who will care for you with all his heart, cherish you and tell you how beautiful and amazing you are. Who will value and respect you, and always appreciate just how lucky he is, having you in his life. Who will worship your body and understand your mind, and do what he can to make you happy every day. You deserve someone who will be your friend, your lover, your support…”

I trail off as realization hits me like a Mack truck. Thankfully, Kurt doesn’t look at me, busy drying his eyes with a tissue. Because for a while, until I get my breath back, I must look like I had a vision.

In a way I did. I just described a man who would be perfect for Kurt. And the description fits me to a T.

I’m lying in my bed that night and my mind just won’t shut up. As soon as the seed of my words hit the soil of my imagination, it started growing like crazy and I’m flooded with pictures of perfect dates and quiet evenings cuddling in front of a TV, goodnight kisses and making love on lazy Sunday mornings, white gold wedding bands and children’s laughter. I can imagine every step of our way, I can picture us maturing and growing old together. With Kurt.

Not that it means anything. I could imagine this with Danny, too, sort of. Maybe less vividly, but that’s because I know Kurt almost as well as I know myself. Sometimes I think I know him even better. But the fact that I can imagine it so well that my heart aches for it doesn’t mean anything other than that I… No, nonsense. I don’t believe in love. He’s just my closest friend.

A friend you want to be with forever, make love to, marry and have children with, says a traitorous little voice in my mind. Do you know what it’s called? L-O-V-E.

I don’t believe in love.

Don’t you? You loved Danny. This was real.

Yes, and look where it got me.

Ha, but you loved him, you admitted so yourself.

Okay, so I don’t believe in relationships. It doesn’t change anything.

Oh, it does. Because you love Kurt.

Fine.

It doesn’t change anything anyway. I’ll never, not even for a minute, let myself dream and hope again. Kurt will find his perfect man. Someone else who will feel about him like I do and whom he will love just as much. And our friendship will remain intact.