CHAPTER 8

Do not make me think of him

The way he touched your fragile skin

That haunts me every day

I wake up alone, early in the morning.

At first I think Kurt has gone to the bathroom, or maybe the kitchen, and I wait for him to come back, stretching languidly, sated and sleepy. The apartment is silent. I’m falling asleep again when it hits me. It’s too silent. I sit up quickly. Kurt’s messenger bag is not on its usual hook by the door. There’s no phone on the bedside table; no note either. I check the clock – 6:12. Not a time when either of us is normally awake. I get up and look around the apartment. Just as I thought, it’s empty. Where did Kurt go?

I grab my phone and call him, but it goes straight to voice mail – he must have switched it off. I notice that my hands are shaking and try to calm myself, but it’s hard. Kurt is running again, isn’t he? He used to come to me whenever things got intense with Marcus, at least until we lost contact. I don’t even know what he did later. Does he have someone else to go to? A safe place? And why would he feel a need to run from me in the first place? I text him, hoping he’ll check the messages at some point.

6:37 – Hey, where are you? Everything alright?

No answer. There’s no chance for sleep anymore. I try to distract myself, cleaning, cooking, baking, finding mindless chores that need to be done at some point, but worry is like a dark cloud over my head. Every now and then I try to call – always getting voice mail – or text.

8:28 – Will you come back for breakfast? I’m baking cinnamon rolls.

10:02 – I got so used to eating with you that I feel lonely now. Where are you?

12:35 – Please, just let me know if you’re okay. I’m worried.

I am worried, probably more than I should be in this situation. Kurt is an adult, he has money, doesn’t work today, he has every right to just go anywhere and doesn’t have to explain himself to me. He’s not suicidal or depressed, as far as I know. He’ll come back when he’s ready. But remembering just how upset he was last night, I can’t help the anxiety creeping up on me.

The thought that assaulted me out of the blue last night keeps coming back, but I push it down every time.

Fuck, I love him. No, I don’t, those were hormones talking.

I love him. No. I don’t believe in love.

I love him. Well, maybe as a friend, but definitely not romantically. I may have, once, but that was long ago.

I love him. Oh shut up.

I’m just worried about him as a friend. That’s it. You always worry about your friends’ wellbeing, right?

I keep trying to contact him all day.

14:50 – Kurt, if I did something wrong, I’m sorry. Please don’t run away from me.

16:13 – I’m really worried. Please let me know you’re fine.

17:09 – Come on, come back. Whatever it is, we can just talk about it.

19:58 – It’s about the sex, isn’t it? I knew I shouldn’t have agreed.

21:27 – Whatever I did, please forgive me. Or at least let’s talk about it. We can make it right.

23:00 – I’m so, so sorry. I thought with my dick and now you’re hurt and if anything happens to you, I’ll never forgive myself. Please come home. We can talk about it or forget it ever happened, whatever you want. Just come back, please.

01:47 – Kurt, please…

I fall asleep sometime after that last text, curled up in bed, still clutching my phone. I startle awake when I feel movement. In the soft yellow light of a bedside lamp I see my best friend, alive and unharmed, sitting cross-legged against the wall in his pajamas. I’m by him in a second, hugging him tightly, whispering You’re alright, you’re back. He hugs me too, so whatever it was that I did, it hopefully wasn’t unforgivable. Finally we pull back and look at each other. The clock on the wall behind Kurt says it’s almost 4 a.m.

“Blaine, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that, without a note or anything. I woke up before dawn and I just had to get out, I needed space. I never even thought you would worry. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’m just glad you are fine. You were so upset last night and I didn’t know why or where you had gone, if you were safe…”

“I was in Central Park all day. Wandering, thinking. Then I sat in a café. Listen, about last night… You did nothing wrong, I promise, don’t even think that. I need to talk about something though. Best friend kind of talk. Would you be okay with that?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“Just… It may be uncomfortable. Or weird. Please don’t judge me.”

“You know I won’t.” I settle against the headboard, ready for a longer conversation, Kurt a foot away. I’m completely awake now. Job be damned, I’ll call in sick in the morning – later in the morning, that is.

“And there’s going to be a lot about Marcus there. Try not to spit fire?”

I laugh. “I’ll try. No promises though.”

He sighs. “Okay. Where to start? Last night… I cried last night because you made me feel so much. In the best of ways, but it caused a realization I was completely unprepared for. It was like a lightning strike, a paradigm shift. I spent the day trying to figure things out, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to hurt for a long time. And it changes so much that I haven’t even wrapped my mind around it yet.”

My confusion must show on my face.

“You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?” I shake my head. “Okay. In other words: one night with you and I realized that you were right about Marcus all along. He was a selfish, egoistic, manipulative prick. He did just use me. He did try to destroy me, though I hope I’m tough enough to undo at least some of the damage. I should have broken up with him after a month. The whole relationship was a huge mistake.

“And the worst realization is that I could have easily avoided all of that and my life would have gone a completely different way. A better way; if I had a little more courage.” He looks at me earnestly. “See, not long before I met him, I was trying to man up and ask you out. Okay, out in our case would be nothing new. I… I wanted to ask you if we could try to be… more. Than friends. I was thinking about it for weeks and every time I started the conversation, I just chickened out and turned it into something else.”

“Wait, was it when you asked if I could teach you to play the guitar? Which you had no intention to learn at all?”

“Yeah, that and several other things.”

“I remember. I wondered what got into you then.”

Kurt averts his eyes, as if suddenly shy.

“You. You got into me. I couldn’t get you out of my mind, I was going crazy from all the sexual frustration, and I had so many feelings; I got all fluttery when we talked, or touched. When you would go shirtless in the room on hot days, I fought with myself every minute not to jump you.”

“I kinda wish you would have.” I remember that summer vividly; the sticky heat, the nighttime walks around the campus to try and get some cooler air, talking for hours in the darkness; my restless fingers kept away from his sweaty skin with heroic efforts of will, desire like a constant itch, buzzing and bubbling in my veins.

“Yeah, me too. Especially after last night.”

“Nah, last night you saw an effect of experience. Back when we lived together, I knew nothing about sex.”

“But you still cared about me.”

“Of course, I always did. And I always will.” It’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“And that’s the point, you know? But I was afraid you would reject me and I would not only be humiliated, but lose you as a friend, which would be a thousand times worse. So I kept stalling and just went out alone more often, and that’s how I met Marcus. I was so emotional already, it was easy for him to sweep me off my feet. And the rest is history.”

I sigh.

“Now it’s gonna make me think of what could have been, because I would have been in heaven if you actually asked me back then. I didn’t know you were into me like that. But as much as I applaud your realization about Marcus, I still don’t understand what last night had to do with it.”

He looks uncomfortable for a moment, shifting his position on the bed until he’s sitting with his knees hugged to his chest, chin resting atop. When he speaks again, it’s quiet, hesitant.

“Okay, you know that Marcus was my first. I believed he loved me and wanted what was best for me. And maybe it was because he was older, much more experienced and so damn self assured, or maybe because he had this way of talking to me… but I believed what he told me without questioning. So when he told me, showed me… sexual stuff, I accepted it as the way things are, just like that. You know I’ve never really… researched those things, so it’s not like I had anything to relate to. And then there you came and did things that turned all my experience, views – everything, upside down.”

“I don’t understand. You did have sex with Marcus, right? You said you always bottomed and you wanted to have sex, so…”

“Oh, I did. But after last night I finally understand why people are so obsessed with it. I never knew you can feel so much more than just the physical pleasure of an orgasm. Desire, anticipation, thrill, joy, trust, tenderness... I could add more. And hundreds of sensations all along, not just at the end.”

“But Kurt, I didn’t do anything special or different or… I don’t know. It was just normal. I mean, it was absolutely amazing, but pretty simple, no bells and whistles.”

“Yes, I’ve noticed that for you it was absolutely natural. Well, for me… it wasn’t.”

 I’m not sure what he means – was Marcus into some kind of kinky stuff? Is that it?

“Okay, explain it to me please.”

“Blaine, you kissed me and touched me, and talked to me. You looked at me and told me you liked what you saw. And you looked… god, so aroused and engaged in it that I couldn’t not believe you… You spent time exploring my body and letting me explore yours, and making me feel so, so good with your hands, your mouth, your voice, your fucking everything. You made me crazy with the intensity of it all – I’ve never been loud during sex before, did you know that? And you prepared me, just to make it easy and good for me. You made sure I came first, for god’s sake!”

Wait, does he mean…

“Oh my god, you cannot be saying what I think you are saying – Marcus never…?”

“No, I never had any of that, Blaine!”

“So wait, what did you use to do then? I mean, you guys were together for over four years!”

“Four and a half. And all those years, from the very beginning, we had sex. Once, twice a month. And it was nothing like last night, Blaine. Last night I felt like you were making love to me, not just having sex. Like you were worshipping my body.”

“That’s because I was. You have an amazing body, if you haven’t noticed. And besides, I care about you. But come on, it’s normal, it’s what it should be like!”

“Okay, forgive me, but I’ll be blunt. You know what I thought was normal? I thought it was normal that I always had to be the one to bottom or give blowjobs. I was told that there are set roles in a relationship, and this was mine. Because I’m effeminate.”

His words make me see red. It’s lucky for Marcus that he lives in Paris now, because the urge to hurt him is becoming hard to suppress and I know his old address here in the city. But then Kurt continues, and it gets even worse.

“I thought it was normal that one of us would say something like Let’s have sex, and there would be some touching through our pants and maybe some perfunctory kisses, lips only. Then we just undressed, I lay on my stomach, he put on the condom and lube and pushed into me without any preparation.”

Oh dear god, just let me have five minutes with this fucking sadist in a closed room. That would be enough, really. Four and a half year of relationship and last night was the first time Kurt had sex without being in pain? My face must be a mask of horror, because he smiles sadly.

“Yeah. I got used to it. It gets better after the first minute or two. If I was lucky, I came before he did. But if I didn’t, I just finished by myself later.”

“Wait, and he didn’t even give you a blowjob if he finished earlier? Or a hand job at least?”

“No. He was satisfied, that was the end for him. To be honest, I’ve never been on the receiving end in oral sex before Friday. He never gave blowjobs, just like he would never, you know, finger me. Those were just things he didn’t do, he considered them dirty and undignified. Well, he didn’t say it that way, of course, he sold it as a completely common thing. He said that the so called preparation was a myth, that it didn’t help at all, in fact it just prolonged the initial pain. Right. Now I know it was just another lie.”

Oh wow… I want to reach out and touch him, comfort him somehow, soothe all the pain he ever had to endure, but I can feel he’s guarded now, needs a bit of space after opening up like that, completely vulnerable. I still can’t wrap my mind around what he’s telling me.

“And it was always like that? You never thought something was wrong?”

“At the beginning there was more talking before, more kissing, undressing each other, it was all much slower and quite gentle, but generally the same. I cried after my first time, despite his being very slow and careful for once – I knew it could be painful, but this was beyond anything I imagined. He cried with me, said how much he hated to hurt me, how he would rather take the pain on himself… I ended up consoling him. And he promised it would get better with time, and well, it did, sort of, because I got used to it. You can get used to everything. I was never a great fan, but well, a man has needs, right? So I thought I wasn’t very responsive or something, I only had pleasure from the orgasm, the rest was just means to achieve it.”

Kurt looks me in the eyes now and I can feel some of the tension in his shoulders dissipating as he smiles.

“And then you came and made me feel like I stepped into one of my dreams about how my first time would feel like. Or into a gay romance where everything is beautiful and romantic and nothing hurts. I stopped believing it could be like that in real life long ago. And here you show me that this is normal. So you can understand why it was an intense discovery for me.”

Now I can. And I feel so mad I could strangle Marcus right now for ruining this for Kurt, and so sorry that it was all taken from him, the beauty and joy of discovering sex the way I had with Danny. And I’m so happy last night was like it was. I touch his hand carefully.

“I’m sorry, Kurt. I wish I could have done something…”

“You did a lot though. You showed me that I lived a lie and that life can be so much better than what I had, so it’s worth fighting for. I’m done moping after that bastard, from now on I’m only looking forward.”

“Good.”

“You know, I was thinking about it all day today, and now that I realized just how manipulative he was, I found a lot of things he talked me into this way. It wasn’t just sex. He was constantly saying how he loved me and how amazing I am, how talented, but there was always a little but, some tiny thing to change, to think about. He was changing me bit by bit, you know?”

I nod and he laughs bitterly.

“Yeah, of course you do, you told me all along. He made me angry with my friends and family, even though I understood they were just worried about me. He made sure I stopped believing I could achieve anything. He had short temper, he would yell and throw things – not at me, he just had to break something – and then he would cry and beg me to forgive him, say he didn’t deserve me, until I assured him that of course he did, that it was alright. I said it so many times that I actually believed it at some point. There was a lot of things like that, I constantly find new ones now. I can’t believe I fell for it.”

“He was good at it,” I spit out with disgust.

“He was. Is it vain if I say he might have believed I was a threat to him, competition? Do you think he did all that because he was trying to make me feel like I couldn’t succeed?”

“I’ve wondered about that all along.”

“Well, there are all those little things that suggest just that. But whatever his reasons, now I have to deal with that somehow.”

“Any way I can help, just tell me.”

Kurt unwinds himself from his defensive position and stretches out beside me, leaning on his elbow.

“There’s one.” He looks at me regretfully. “You were right, you know. That sex can… complicate things. I didn’t understand, because I looked at it just as physiology, mechanics. But all those feelings… it’s a lot. It’s too much for me right now. So as wonderful as last night was, I don’t think we should do it again, at least not until I get myself back together and find out where and who I am now.”

I feel a pang of regret, but it’s not like I didn’t expect this, so I smile anyway.

“Of course. But we’re still friends?”

“Blaine, do you think I would tell all this to anyone but my best friend?”

“Oh, okay. Good then. And thank you. For trusting me and… and for those two nights. It was… special for me.”

“Me too. Now you understand how much.” He lays his head on the pillow, visibly exhausted.

There’s silence for a moment before Kurt asks,

“Would you mind if I slept here with you tonight? I think I’m done with being alone for today.”

I move to make room for him. “Hop in.”