CHAPTER 4

In the end, things did work out. They still spent as much time together as they had before, at school and outside of it, talking incessantly, joking around, singing. The only thing that really changed was the physical distance Blaine took care to keep between them now. No more squishing together on a sofa during Warblers practice, no more hugs or shoulder bumps, or patting Kurt's knee.

It felt weird at first, but Kurt quickly picked up Blaine's new aloof ways and played along, never commenting on it once. It hurt to see sadness in his eyes sometimes, when Blaine didn't quite catch himself in time and aborted a fond gesture mid-air to avoid straightening Kurt's collar or brushing invisible dust off his lapel – but really, it was all for the better; better for Kurt.

It was difficult though – so difficult, to be in Kurt's presence, in the persistent pull that was like a magnetic field surrounding him, and hold onto the control all the time. Blaine still woke up every morning with new pictures of Kurt in his mind, still got hard just from thinking about him whenever he let his mind wander. He promised himself he wouldn't jerk off to those thoughts, and he really tried, focusing on random scenes he'd seen in porn instead when he got himself off every morning, just so that he could survive another day of constant temptation. But sometimes, late at night or at the weekend, when he was exhausted or half-asleep – sometimes he slipped. He always came hardest then, with Kurt's name on his lips, muffled by the pillow or his own hand.

Still, the need to control his every move, the constant struggle with himself, the sexual tension with no actual relief in sight – it was exhausting, and by the end of January, school wasn't enough of a distraction anymore. He needed something else, something to occupy his mind and keep it from obsessing.

What he needed, he decided, was a new romantic interest – someone he could actually date and kiss and touch, someone to think and fantasize about without feeling guilty.

It was the only way if he was to remain a good friend for Kurt. Because with the way things were going, the way he was slipping lately, drawing too close, letting his hands touch sometimes (and yes, the buzzy heat was still there, every time), he might just snap one day and attempt to ravish Kurt. Or at least kiss him. And that would be the worst thing he could do. Kurt had been assaulted with a kiss once. The last thing he needed was a repeat, and from his best friend at that.

So Blaine opened himself up to the possibility of falling in love with someone who wasn't Kurt. He went so far as actively looking around, and it didn't take long until he met Jeremiah.

He was older – a college student, attractive and so very approachable. He had an easy smile and dozens of conversation topics at the ready, all simple and safe, fascinating even when they revolved around college life. What was best, though, was the attraction. It was not overwhelming, and there was nothing to make Blaine's hands itch and his mouth go dry – well, not more than any other attractive boy had before the mark appeared.

They'd just met for coffee twice so far, but they could do a lot more, and that was a huge part of the appeal. Blaine could imagine Jeremiah kissing him – hell, touching him, undressing even – with no guilt gnawing at his insides whatsoever. It was refreshing, exactly what he needed, and it made dealing with his feelings for Kurt so much easier.

And now Valentine's Day was approaching, and Blaine hoped it would be when Jeremiah asked him out for a real date at last, one that would end with a proper kiss. The mere thought made him giddy. He just needed to signal his interest, make sure Jeremiah understood that Blaine was open to more than just being friends. And what better way than in song? He could even ask his Warbler friends to help him.

Oh, this would be grand.

***

It took some time to get used to the new dynamics between them, but as it definitely beat the alternative of having Blaine avoid him completely, Kurt was glad to take what he was given. It wasn't so different from what they'd had before – the easy friendship, the understanding, the care for each other – minus the casual touches that Kurt had finally gotten used to just weeks before. And on one hand it was a relief – being around Blaine was intense enough even without the effect his touch had on Kurt (and yes, he'd checked a few more times, just the tiniest bits of contact, and the tingly warmth was there without fail). But on the other hand, if he was being honest, Kurt had to admit he craved Blaine's closeness and his touch more than ever before.

He'd never been a particularly tactile person, and he'd been keeping to himself for years now, almost every touch directed at him bringing hurt, not comfort or a caress. It left him even more hesitant to reach out. And he'd been fine with it, really; proud to say he didn't need the physical closeness. Of course, at the back of his mind there was always hope, a thought that it would be nice to have that, one day. But even his crush on Finn, and then Blaine, used to be all about pure feelings, not physical intimacy.

Used to. Before the mark. Because now... now Blaine's closeness, the warmth of his skin under Kurt's fingertips, the flutter of pulse in his exposed neck, his scent – sometimes it was all Kurt could think about, and it felt shockingly new and overwhelming and so, so good.

Still, he refused to let his newfound urges rule over him, and definitely not in the most ultimate way where he would deliberately fantasize about his best friend while... taking care of his (ever-growing, it seemed) needs. If he couldn't distract himself any longer, he would take care of business quickly and efficiently, without really thinking about anything (or anyone) in particular. It was just physiology, after all, his teen hormones apparently kicking in at last. But that was no reason to drag Blaine into this part of his life, not even by allowing himself to think about him in an intimate context. Kurt would never be able to look him in the eye again if he did.

Besides, it almost didn't matter that whenever he got off like that, it was okay at best, granting him more relief than pleasure, really, because sooner or later another one of those weird non-orgasms would come, leaving him shaky and gasping for air, a boneless puddle of blissed out boy with his nerve endings firing off like crazy. It didn't happen often after that first time – two, sometimes three times a week, and thankfully always when Kurt was alone in his room – but when it did happen, it made him hope that whatever caused them would never stop.

Of course, with Blaine so obviously aware of Kurt's crush and trying to be gentle about it, avoiding anything remotely suggestive that could look like leading him on – awkward moments were bound to come. And Kurt was used to hiding his feelings and behaving in a non-threatening way, but what was viewed as neutral and ignored by straight boys, did not go unnoticed by his gay best friend.

He could see how uncomfortable it made Blaine when he sucked the melted chocolate off his fingers once, or nibbled at the end of his pencil when they studied together, and while those were by no means attempts at seduction, Kurt understood they could be read that way and was careful not to do it again. But he couldn't avoid applying chapstick (it was winter, after all!) or bending to pick up his bag from the floor (although he did try to do it while seated now, after Blaine almost choked on his coffee once). And drinking a milkshake at lunch was really quite impossible without, well, sucking on the straw – the shakes in Dalton cafeteria tended to be really thick, and also really delicious. Sometimes Kurt just couldn't resist, which always made Blaine blush and flail a little before quickly turning away to talk to someone else.

The whole situation was frustrating and Kurt even stretched out of his comfort zone to prepare a speech, and managed to begin delivering it one afternoon when he was alone with Blaine in the senior commons. He just needed his friend to know that none of it was on purpose, that he understood Blaine wasn't interested in anything more than friendship, and he respected that – but he didn't get to say it because Blaine quickly changed the topic, his cheeks flushed and his hands tightly fisted, creasing the fabric of his pants.

It sucked, because so far they'd always been honest with each other and could talk about anything, no matter how awkward. Kurt had told Blaine about Karofsky, and his silly crush on Finn with all the embarrassing details. And Blaine understood and didn't judge, just teased him about it gently enough to make him blush and laugh and forget about his discomfort.

But apparently things were different when it was personal.

Still, even with the distance and the occasional awkwardness and the topics they never touched, it was fine, and by February it was even better than fine because it looked like Blaine was beginning to get comfortable around Kurt again. He was still Kurt's best friend and not just the boy Kurt was hopelessly, uncontrollably in love with.

And then... then he was suddenly Kurt's best friend who was in love with a junior manager at GAP, and he was standing there, bashful and happy and star-eyed, cheerfully requesting the Warblers help him serenade the guy, and Kurt felt like his heart was being stomped on.

Keeping the smile on his face and helping Blaine convince the council was one of the hardest things he'd ever done.