1:30 AM

Just once. The words echo through Kurt's mind, pulling at his inner thoughts, and he tries his hardest to push them away. That's just it, though. He can't push them away. Words that come from Blaine's lips stay in Kurt's brain forever; they're irreversible.

Blaine has that effect on him. Even after all this time, after years and years of silence, Kurt is still so, incredibly, irrevocably in love with him.

When Kurt walks Blaine into his room, he doesn't take his hand. It feels colder, somehow, when Blaine isn't touching him, but he can't give into his weaknesses. Not tonight. Tonight is about what Blaine needs, and what Blaine wants to give. At least, that's how Kurt thinks about it.

He's not going to kiss Blaine. That's one thing that he honestly can't do, because it could lead to regret, and yelling, andhurt, and Kurt can't take any more of that.

His skin is still tingling with the roughness of what he endured earlier that night, and he knows Blaine would never,everdo that to him, but still. It's making his skin shiver, and as much as he refuses to admit it, he wants Blaine to hold him, desperately so.

Kurt moves to stand by his own side of the bed, Blaine by the opposite. Kurt doesn't look up. He doesn't want Blaine to see how truly broken he is, because then he'll just feel weaker. He already feels weak enough because he called Blaine, and practicallybeggedhim to come over.

"Are you staying all night?" Kurt asks, and his voice is so small, barely there. He mentally slaps himself for sounding that way.

"Um," Blaine starts, clearing his throat. "That's not my choice, is it?"

"I don't care what you do," Kurt says bitterly. He can't let Blaine see.Please, see. Look at me.

"Kurt, it'sme," Blaine insists, pressing one knee onto the bed, making a small dip in the mattress. "You've got nothing to hide."

"Whatever." Kurt moves quickly, still refusing to look at Blaine, and he pulls down the covers. He climbs into the bed, facing the wall opposite Blaine, and he tugs the covers up to his chin, curling in on himself.

He hears Blaine let out a deep sigh, and then he feels the mattress move beside him. The covers rustle, and Blaine's shadow is cast on the wall along with the beautiful, New York City moonlight.

Blaine is careful. He doesn't reach out and touch Kurt right away, even though Kurt's insides are practically screaming for the contact. First, he feels Blaine's hand on his waist. It's barely there, the ghost of a real touch.

He can feel Blaine's breath on his neck, and god, he's so close. At the same time, though, he's not close at all - their bodies are so far away from each other on this tiny bed, and Kurt wants to cry all over again. He doesn't.

Kurt tenses when he feels Blaine's hand slide underneath his shirt. Blaine must notice, because he pulls away quickly andcompletely, which makes Kurt feel even more uneasy.

"Do you want me to touch you at all?" Blaine asks, and the tone isn't harsh in any way. It's sounderstanding, and it makes Kurt want to be sick. He sits up, turning his head to gaze at Blaine's torso, unable to look into his honey-hazel eyes.

"This is stupid, Blaine," Kurt starts, his voice so low, almost inaudible. "We've had sex, haven't we? We've been naked in front of each other, why can't we just.. do that?" He almost can't believe himself when he says it, but what's done is done. He can't change this, just as he can't change the past. He wishes he could.

"Oh," Blaine breathes, gulping before sitting up beside Kurt. "Yeah, we.. could do that, if you wanted to."

Before he knows it, Kurt is undressing himself, standing up off of the bed and tugging the shirt off of his body. He then reaches down for the button of his jeans, pausing as he's forced to clench his eyes shut, trying to force the tears back inside. He feels so useless. The only way for him to feel strong is for Blaine to hold him? Is that what he's turned into? Blaine's always made him stronger, he knows that, but he never used to..needit. He's never needed to feel something; never needed to feel warm hands caress his weak body. Not like this.

Kurt feels Blaine's calloused fingertips resting on his forearms. He hasn't dared to even start unbuttoning his jeans yet, and he knows Blaine hasn't even taken off his shirt. "Would you just - would you do this, already?"

"No," Blaine says, shaking his head as he looks at Kurt's downcast expression. "Kurt, I'm not going to do this if you don't want it. I'll just lie with you."

"But Idowant it," Kurt says weakly, finally lifting up his head in order to look into Blaine's eyes. "Nobody's held me since.. since.." He trails off, looking at his bed behind Blaine, his gaze distant.

"Okay," Blaine whispers, stepping closer, forcing Kurt out of his blank trance. "I believe you." Kurt feels Blaine's fingers slowly, carefully move down his arms, another barely-there touch. It turns his skin into gooseflesh, and by the time Blaine's hands reach his abdomen, Kurt isn't so tense anymore. Blaine leans forward, pressing his lips against the shell of Kurt's ear. "Let me take care of you."

Kurt gives in. He drops his forehead onto Blaine's shoulder, his tears dripping onto the olive skin, and shaky sobs course throughout his whole body, making his frame shake. Blaine unbuttons his jeans, and Kurt complies, pulling away in order for Blaine to tug them down and off. He does the same with his own jeans, along with his shirt, and soon, they're both only left in their boxer-briefs - and Kurt's tears.

Blaine doesn't pry. He doesn't talk to Kurt about anything that's happened to him, and he doesn't beg for him to stop crying. Yes, Kurt's going to have to talk about things eventually, but tonight.. isn't for talking.

Kurt steps past Blaine, walking towards the bed, and before he lies down, he strips down his boxers, tossing them to the side. They're not going to have sex, and Kurt knows that. He doesn'twantto have sex, he just wants.. to feel everything that he possibly can. It's stupid, he knows, but Blaine isn't going to question it.

He lies down just as he did before, facing the wall opposite Blaine, and he feels the mattress dip as Blaine slips in behind him. When he feels something somewhat-soft press against his back, he knows Blaine took off his underwear, too. Kurt hadn't expected Blaine to become hard after all this - all Kurt's been doing is crying, and that's probably the most unattractive quality in the world, right? Blaine's feet press against Kurt's, and Kurt shivers.

"Why are your feet always cold?" Kurt lets out a wet laugh, wiping away a few tears with the sheet.

Blaine doesn't respond. He simply presses his lips to Kurt's neck, just above his pulse point, and he rests his hand on Kurt's bare hip. "Is this okay?"

Kurt nods, and Blaine slides his hand further up Kurt's side, only to bring it back down again in a slow, gentle caress. Kurt closes his eyes, breathing out too shakily, tears falling onto his pillow.

"Kurt, please calm down," Blaine whispers, his breath hot against Kurt's ear. "I'm not going to hurt you. I don't know who did this, I don't know.. what happened, but I'm not any of those people. I'm not going to hurt you."

With that, Kurt's tears subside only somewhat. He knows Blaine would never hurt him, but it's.. reassuring to hear. So many other guys would do this - they'd run their hands over Kurt's body, they'd make him feel safe, but then.. horror. Now, it's different. It'sBlaine.

"I don't know what else to say," Kurt whispers, his voice pained. He feels Blaine's fingers run over his stomach and up to his chest, and his hand presses over Kurt's heart.

"Then don't say anything," Blaine says against Kurt's neck, and Kurt brings his hand up to entwine his fingers with Blaine's, feeling his quick heartbeat. "Just breathe."

He breathes.