CHAPTER 3

December 2021

“Crisis averted. Lexy dropped Dumbo and stopped crying once I gave him back to her. But, Kurt, that thing is filthy. Are you sure she's yourdaughter.”

Burt sits back down next to Kurt after taking care of his granddaughter.

“Ha ha, very funny, Dad,” Kurt replies before he gives his father a grateful smile because being a de facto single father is hard and even harder when you realized the moment your child was born, that you were nowhere near ready to be a parent.

He's never told anyone but James why he pushed so hard for a child so soon after the wedding, but with the way Burt had looked at him when Kurt told him, he assumed that his father had guessed his reason. After all, his father had been the most vocal against Kurt's baby idea.

Burt wraps an arm around him and Kurt leans into the embrace. Even though hes taller than his dad, he leans his cheek against the familiar flannel covered shoulders, inhaling the smell of motor oil that never seems to leave his dad even on days when he isnt working in his auto repair shop. His father's hugs are the best and Kurt'll never be too old for them.

“So you were saying before Lexy decided to demonstrate her lungs' capacity,” Kurt prompts, because while he is certain he made up his mind, he highly values his father's advice.

“I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't do, Kurt, just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons if you're going to go through with it. Don't end your marriage for a man who may never return your feelings. End it if you are certain that it's not working between you and James anymore. And most importantly, think about what's best for Lexy.”

“She's still young, Dad, she'll adapt. Don't you think I should do what's best for me?”

Burt sighs and shakes his head. The pair of them, on the couch, no one would ever guess they are father and son. Burt, balding, broad and always in flannel shirts, trucker boots and blue jeans and Kurt, tall, lean and pale, and usually in tight skinny jeans, shirts with intricate patterns and designer boots. After becoming a father, hed started to dress down a bit because Lexy didnt care if she spit up on a designer shirt or a t-shirt from Wallmart, but he and his dad still look like they have nothing in common. And they dont, apart from the love they have for each other.

“I told you this when you insisted you needed to have a baby right this moment. Once you are a parent, your kids have to come first. So think about what it would mean for her growing up whether you get divorced or stay with James.”

Kurt looks over to the baby monitor. For now, his eighteen months old daughter sleeps peacefully, but his little angel can also be a real nightmare.

“I love her, I really do, but some days, I wish I would have listened to you, or that Brittany had never offered. Does that make me a horrible father?”

“It makes you human. After your mother died, I wished I had died instead. Because I didn't think I could do it alone. Raising you had been your mother's job and so I wished I had died instead so I wouldn't have to take over.”

“But you did great in the end!” Kurt assures his father because he had. They had had their difficulties and misunderstandings but in the end, his dad had always come through for him.

“Thanks kiddo, but so will you, whether it's with James, on your own or with someone new. Lexy is such a happy kid and that tells me everything I need to know about you as a dad.

They hug once more, a full body hug, before Kurt finishes his glass of white wine and says goodnight to his dad and Carole who he is certain has been eavesdropping from the kitchen. Upstairs, he changes into his PJs in the bathroom before he tiptoes into his old bedroom and climbs into bed next to his sleeping daughter. With James gone most of the time, it's become a habit, Lexy sleeping in his bed with him. Careful not to wake her again, he drops a kiss on her forehead and runs a hand through her soft blonde hair before he rearranges the blankets around them.

August 2019

“I want to have a baby,” Kurt ambushes James when he walks through the door three days after Kurt returned from Lima. His dad is still in the hospital, but with “The Book of Mormon” rehearsals, Kurt didn't have a choice but fly back to New York Sunday night. 

James laughs, drops his suitcase and pulls Kurt into his arms.

“Shouldn't I get a kiss first,” he teases, missing the serious look on Kurt's face. “And if this is some kind of role play fantasy, let me take a nap and shower first. I've spent most of the last two days on airplanes.”

Kurt pulls back. He isn't sure whether he should be hurt or angry.

“I wasn't joking. I want to have a baby,” Kurt repeats.

James lets go off him and sinks into the couch Kurt had picked for their new apartment.

“Why?” his husband asks surprisingly calmly. “You are only twenty-five, you're finally going to be on Broadway, you know my stance on children and we've only been married seven weeks.”

“My dad had a second heart attack,” Kurt states simply.

“So?” James prompts.

“So, I'm the only one who can give my dad a grandchild now that Finn's…” Kurt swallows and doesn't finish the sentence. He doesn't have to, he's told James all about his stepbrother on their fourth date.

“Kurt, the doctors said he is fine. You told me so yourself,” James interrupts his pity party.

“He is fine for now,” Kurt snaps though he doesn't mean to. It's not James' fault that he doesn't understand. Both James' parents are still alive as are his brother and sister. His husband even still has both sets of grandparents.

“But what if he dies before I can give him a grandchild? It took him a long time to come to terms with me being gay because he thought I would never be able to have a family. And when he discovered that I could have one that was the day when he finally became one hundred percent okay with it. So I'm going to give him his grandchild and I want you to be on my side. Think about it this way; if we have a child, no one will question whether we really got married for love.”

Kurt knows he's backed his husband into a corner. Now that James got his job at a prestigious investment firm, his biggest fear is that immigration will come knocking and destroy everything he's worked hard for to achieve.

“If we had a baby, things wouldn't change Kurt. My boss told me that if I keep up the good work in China, I'm looking at a promotion next year, a promotion I intend to get. So if you are ready to give up on your career, which would be a shame because you're so talented, by all means let's have a baby if you can find a couple willing to let us adopt.

Logistics. Kurt hates logistics. Hates that he has to think about logistics because he wants to have a child. Hates that it will probably take them years before they can adopt when there are so many kids out there who could use a family.

***

“…it just sucks,” Kurt finishes his rant and downs the rest of his Margarita. It's a Santana Lopez mix, bound to get him drunk in record time.

James has left for Shanghai a few hours ago and he's received another letter from an adoption agency telling him he and his husband should reapply in a few years when they are more settled. So getting shit faced is on top of his list.

“Do you want to borrow my tummy for the baby?” Brittany asks, her injured ankle propped up on a pillow. It's a complicated break, forcing her to take a break from dancing for at least six months and cutting her engagement with ‘A Chorus Line' short.

“San is going back to work soon, and maybe I wouldn't be so bored with a baby growing in my tummy,” his friend continues, while Santana looks at Brittany like shes lost her mind.

“Britt Britt, you shouldn't offer to be Kurt's surrogate unless you really mean it. That's a lot of responsibility, because, you know, you'd actually have a baby.”

Brittany shakes her head stubbornly.

“I'm not stupid Santana. I know that. But Kurt wants to have a baby and I can help him have one. Isn't that what friends are for?”

Kurt's certain that having a baby for someone else goes beyond the usual friendship requirement, but is touched that Brittany sees it this way. Then he remembers something from high school and bursts out laughing.

“What?” Santana demands.

Kurt clutches his side, laughing even harder.

“I just,” he wheezes, “I just remembered when I pretended to be straight and Britt was my girlfriend. My dad walked in on us on the couch and told us to use protection.”

Santana and Brittany just stare at him blankly.

“I don't get it. What's so funny about that?” Santana asks, now looking at him like it's Kurt who's lost his mind.

“I told my dad, after Britt had left, that he didn't have to worry about me ever knocking her up. Don't you see the irony there?” Kurt wipes a few stray tears from his cheeks and takes a deep breath.

Santana shrugs. “Not really. It's not like you're going to knock her up for real.”

Kurt realizes belatedly that Santana's Margaritas probably have something to do with how funny he finds everything and that he and Brittany shouldn't make a decision like this while intoxicated.

Still, when he asks her about it the next morning, after throwing up and swallowing two aspirin, Brittany doesn't change her mind.

***

Two visits with a lawyer, another long talk with James and a first visit to the doctor later, Kurt is sitting in a small room at the fertility clinic, staring at the empty cup the nurse had handed him. He knows what he has to do, and it really shouldn't be this hard; no pun intended. But Kurt's never been good at separating sex from love and pornography had turned him off just as much as straight sex. And having a baby shouldn't happen like this. Alone in a rather cold room with magazines that have the reverse effect on him. Ideally, James would be here with him, would joke about being Kurt's personal centerfold and as long as Kurt would only look but not touch he would give him a show. He'd be long done by now instead of still staring at the cup in his hand and wondering if this is worth it.

Eventually, he has to resort to something he hasn't since he and James had gotten together; fantasize about Thor saving Kurt from his evil brother with only his hammer by his side after unfortunately losing his clothes in a fire.

Fortunately, the nurse doesn't comment when Kurt finally reemerges forty-five minutes later, after having deposited his cup as discreetly as possible.

“So, we'll see you and Ms. Pierce tomorrow at two o'clock,” the nurse reminds him before Kurt can leave and he gives her a court nod before fleeing the clinic.

Outside, once his cheeks aren't the color of an overripe tomato anymore, he sends a quick email to James, updating him on the process and silently cursing him for making Kurt go through it all on his own. But James had warned him, so Kurt can't really complain out loud.

***

Three weeks later, Brittany proudly informs him that she is late, and while Kurt normally never wants to hear about his female friends' bodily functions, this time he grabs Brittany and jumps up and down with her, screaming like crazy.

“Oh my God, oh my fucking God! We did it Britt, I'm going to have a baby. My dad is going to be so happy.”

***

“You are what?!? Jesus, Kurt, are you trying to give me another heart attack?” Burt yells when Kurt tells him about Brittany's pregnancy.

His dad is back home, but confined to the couch until he gets the all clear from the doctor and Kurt can tell that he isn't happy about it.

“I thought you'd be happy. You always wanted grandchildren,” Kurt mumbles, because this conversation isn't going the way he thought it would.

His dad's expression softens. “Of course I do, kiddo, but this seems rushed. You've only been married two months and the last time your cousin brought her baby to a family reunion you said kids are nothing but little monsters.”

“In my defense, her son spilt tomato sauce on my Marc Jacobs shirt.”

Burt rolls his eyes. “Kiddo, you think it's going to be different when you have a kid? Think again. Your kid's not going to care what you are wearing when it reaches for you, hands covered in food, dirt or paint.”

Kurt huffs. “We're talking about my child, Dad. I'm certain that no child of mine would ever do that to haute couture.”

His dad starts laughing, a full belly laugh that doesn't seem to stop. Kurt crosses his arms in front of his chest. He didn't come all the way to Lima to be mocked and be told he's made a mistake.

“Sorry, kiddo. But you know how I always tell you what a neat kid you were.” Kurt nods. “Well, that doesn't change the fact that before age two you were just a typical baby boy.”

His dad plucks a tissue from the box next to his meds and wipes the tears from his eyes. Carole comes into the living room that moment, carrying two steaming mugs of warm milk.

“I'm not going to ask, just tell me later,” she tells Burt, before handing the second mug to Kurt.

“No stay,” Kurt stops her retreat to the kitchen. “This concerns you too, because this time next year you're both going to be … grandparents.”

“That's,” Carole shares a look with his dad, “ah, wonderful. Congratulations. What a surprise! But what about your job, honey? I thought it's a dream come true.”

Kurt tries not to show how much their lack of enthusiasm is hurting him and plasters on a smile.

“I'll be able to finish my contract before the baby is due and this doesn't mean that I'm giving up on my dreams. I'll just have to put them on hold for a bit.”

His dad and Carole share yet another look and Kurt fights back the tears threatening to escape, because this isn't supposed to happen, they're supposed to be happy.

Finally his dad speaks again. “ You need to understand one thing, kiddo. I'm going to love this baby very much, but I still wish you wouldn't have rushed into it. I wish you would have waited for the right … time.”

The right reason, Kurt surmises. He excuses himself and nearly runs outside, because inside it had suddenly felt as if the walls were closing in on him. Standing on his parents' well kept front lawn, Kurt is tempted to kick over the trashcan, because why did his dad have to make him feel like he made the biggest mistake of his life? He can't very well tell Brittany, who's nine weeks pregnant already, that he changed his mind.

No, what's done is done and with time they would all be happy about it. They just had to.