From: Gabe Parker
May 3, 2013 6:30 PM

Hey babe. I know it's Friday night and we had plans but something can up. Another time, okay?

I was just about to put on the finishing touches to my outfit. Sucks- I actually thought this outfit could have made me looked alluring for once.

Gabe and I were suppose to go out for dinner and then back to his place- away from the hustle and the bustle, which is how I like it these days- and put on a movie or something but since he can't make it- is my disappointment all too blunt?

I emerge from my bedroom, to where Rachel is on my couch, watching Mamma Mia, I think. She turns and grins at the sight of me still in my best outfit.

"Someone's all dressed up," she teases. "Where are you and Gabe going tonight?"

"Nowhere," I sigh dejectedly, sliding onto the empty seat next to her and digging my hand into the bowl of popcorn on her lap. "We were suppose to do this, actually- at his place."

"Watch a movie? That sounds- depressing for a young start out couple like you guys. Shouldn't you be knocking over frames and stuff?" she snickers.

"No," I say flatly, because in all honesty, I haven't had sex with Gabe since that night after the party. After the weird, weird incident of seeing his face- in bed...I don't want that to happen again. It felt like my guilt was staring at me in the face.

"So, no plans then?"

"None. Guess I'll just stay at home with you tonight and we can relive high school Friday nights."

"We were pretty lame, though you and Blaine used to hit Scandals a lot," Rachel says. "Where is Blaine tonight?"

"I don't know," I shrug, but I feel her eyes on me. I turn and she is watching me with a smug, sly smile on. The kind of smile she only wears when she knows something I don't. "What?" I frown at her.

"Nothing," she says hastily, turning her attention back to the television.

"I'm gonna go change."

"Okay, but don't get too dressed down though," she says.

"Why not?"

"Nothing."

"You're all sneaky and it's annoying."

"Go change," she smiles, again with that smile.

I enter back into my bedroom and take a couple of minutes to myself. It's been a long stressful week in school, and I was finally glad to see my boyfriend but he just cancelled on me. Maybe I sound like a brat, but I wish he didn't- cancel on me.

But whatever. A movie with a vague Rachel Berry would suffice. It doesn't seem like anything remotely exciting will happen tonight anyway.

----------

I take awhile in my bathroom, going through skin regimes because I don't want to fall asleep later and forget to do it. It's a compulsory ritual- one of my many attempts to boost my allure.

I emerge out my bedroom and Rachel is laying on the couch, tapping away on her phone.

"I was beginning to think you died in there- what is on your face?" she ask.

"Mud mask," I tell. "What are we watching?"

"Don't you wanna take that off?" she ask.

"Why? It says in twenty minutes, and besides, you're the only one here."

The door knocks suddenly and we both turn our attention to the door. A guest? Whoever it is, there was no buzzer to let him in.

"Who is that?" I ask Rachel, but she doesn't say anything. Instead, she skips and pulls the door open and Blaine enters- in a grey sweater, jeans that coil around his legs so fittingly, his hair in unruly curls- and then those eyes come to me and I am back in my bedroom.

I sink deeper into my seat upon the realization that he hasn't been in my apartment since that drunken night. Why do I feel embarrassed? Oh right, we were butt nude, knocking over things before we reached the bed the last time we were both in this apartment together.

"Glad you could come," Rachel smiles.

"Well- you said Kurt called me to come over-"

"I- what?"

"Yeah, you said that earlier. That mask must be giving you short term memory loss," Rachel says.

I try to venture to my thoughts, did I say that? I highly doubt so. I have a pretty good memory, unfortunately for me actually, because there are things I wish I could forget. Blaine keeps looking at me, but when I look at him, he tears his sight away. What's going on? We came to a mutual ground a few days ago, didn't we? Now we're back to awkwardness stage one- understandable though, because of where we are.

"Well- since you're already here, Blaine, join us- please, we're about to watch a movie."

"Okay," Blaine shrugs. "I brought Chinese if anyone's hungry."

"Kurt loves Chinese food. Is that why you bought it, Blaine?" Rachel says and I frown at her, though her eyes are luring on Blaine.

"Who doesn't love Chinese food," Blaine says casually.

"Yeah, Rachel," I say to her, but she gives a nonchalant smile.

"What are we watching?" Blaine ask.

"A lot like love," Rachel says.

"The one-"

"The one about two people who just can't see what is right in front of them," Rachel interrupts Blaine.

"I was going to say is it the one staring Ashton Kutcher-"

"Yes, but also the first one too," Rachel smiles sweetly. "Let me get my blanket, Blaine could you slide the CD in?"

"Okay."

Rachel skips out of the room, but she halts and turns to look at Blaine one more time, giggles to herself, and leaves the room. What the hell is her problem?

"So just because we're gays, she's just going to assume we're gonna watch a chick flick with her? How stereotypical is that," I say because even though we feel awkward being in this apartment together again, I want to try my hardest to forget- even though it's so damn difficult.

"Yeah," Blaine snickers, though it sounds tensed.

"Have you made a decision yet? With whether you're going to run the company?" I ask.

"Not yet," Blaine says as he slides the CD into the player.

"Can I ask when?"

"I don't know, Kurt," Blaine sighs. "I still have reservations."

"If it helps, I know you can do it," I say genuinely.

"It does help. It always helps when you say it," Blaine says as he takes the a seat on the couch adjacent from me.

"Why this movie though? Why not something from a Tom Cruise list or something-"

"So you can stare at his ass all through the movie?" Blaine scoffs and I feel lighter.

"It is a juicy ass though."

Rachel comes skipping out with a red blanket and a comfy tshirt on with yoga pants. "Okay- ready. Blaine, do you mind sitting next to Kurt? I wanna lay down on this couch."

"Why can't you sit with him, diva?"

"Why can't you?" Rachel prompts, and I know those eyes- those eyes holds a secret and I don't know what, but I need to know.

Blaine rolls his eyes and stands up, taking the seat next to me. I tense up almost immediately because- well because this was the exact couch we had sex on, and judging by the sound of Blaine clearing his throat, I know he knows that too.

I feel his heat radiating on me, and I am taken back to that night again. His heat, his warmth was all I felt. Nothing else.

"Play the movie please," Rachel orders and Blaine presses the play button. His hand lightly brushes against my knee and I freeze, but I fail to conceal it because Blaine notices and his brown eyes- hazel warm brown eyes shoot up to me quickly. He stares at me longingly, sucks his lips into his mouth and resumes his place.

The next ninety minutes should be interesting.

----------

"Ah, that was a good movie, wasn't it? They just took that long to realize that they were meant for each other from the start," Rachel hums. "Don't you agree, Blaine?"

"Yeah, sure. Great movie, though I'm not fond of the cast."

"Because you're cynical, but the plot remains a good life lesson."

"Rachel, it was a love comedy. Why are you getting so poetic?" I ask.

"Oh- nothing," she shrugs suspiciously. "I need to pee- oh, you guys look cozy with each other," Rachel smiles as she skips to the bathroom.

"I don't know what's up with her tonight," I say.

"I never knew what's her deal since the day we met her."

"What time is it?" I ask.

"A little past ten," Blaine says. "Aren't you glad it's Saturday tomorrow? I've been dying for a break."

"Me too."

"Oh- well, I am beat. I think I'll go to bed," Rachel yawns when she emerges from the bathroom.

"Bed? Hello, the ritual is that you help to clean up after a movie!"

"Blaine is here. He'll help you with cleaning- among other things he has helped you with."

"What?"

"Nothing," Rachel snickers. "I'm tired, really. Good to see you again, Blaine."

"I'd say the same, but I'm not much of an actor."

"Especially when you have alcohol in you. You just don't keep up a pretence when you drink."

"Huh?" Blaine frowns.

"Okay, goodnight!" Rachel skips into her bedroom and shuts the door behind her.

"Honestly though. I mean, how do you stand her sometimes?"

"A lot of patience, and a stand-by knife."

"Seems comprehensible," he laughs as he picks up the boxes and plates on the coffee table and makes for the kitchen.

I know I should be helping out to clean my own apartment, but I don't- instead, I find myself watching him as he goes about cleaning from my the couch. His face relaxed now, calmly washing dishes in the sink. His hair is just how I like it- lose, unruly.

The sweater falls perfectly on his shoulders, showing off the slight physique that he has from that one time he signed up for a gym membership. Those shoulders though- they look good bare. They looked good when I had my hands resting on them as he rammed into me- what the hell am I thinking.

I have been wondering things, actually. Ever since my mind morphed Blaine's face on the body of my boyfriend, I've been having a lot of thoughts that I don't want- nor do I understand. It feels just so hard to let it go, forget about it. It's as if it meant something. Something profound that I know is not in the safe zone for me to venture and wonder.

Blaine looks up, and his eyes quickly burn into me with curiosity. He tilts his head, like the way the imaginary image of him did that night.

"Everything okay?" he ask.

"Fine," I blurt out a little too suspiciously.

He shrugs and continues to go about cleaning the kitchen in silence. He opens the top cabinet and my heart sinks a little when he pulls out two bottles of alcohol- the one he brought on that drunken night. He examines them, and I hold my breath.

Those bottles haven't been drunk since that night- not that it has ever been consumed anyway. One of it is only half empty, the other hasn't even been open. This is another thing I've been having thoughts about- if we only drank that much quantity, then why were we drunk enough to sleep together? Or- were we even drunk? Of course we were, what am I asking.

I don't know what Blaine is doing. He's just staring at the bottles in his hands, until he quickly stores them away and resumes as if he didn't just come across it. That's weird.

"Do you need my help, or?"

"With what? I'm already done," Blaine laughs as he washes his hands and strides back to the couch.

I feel my cheeks go warm when he crosses his legs and sits next to me, taking the remote controller and jumping through channels. Why is this simple, tedious act making me feel all shy and nervous? Probably because it's night time, and it's just us two in the same place we first had sex. I can't bear this feeling of walking on eggshells. Same mistakes don't happen twice, right?

"Blaine," I say, because there is just something I have to get off my chest. "We're- okay, right? I mean, we've moved on, right?"

His head snaps to me in a heartbeat, but there is no frown- no nothing, actually, or something that I can't understand. Expectant, maybe? Hopeful?

"What do you mean?"

"You know, after that drunken night. We're okay, right?"

"Why do you say that?" he ask, no trace of familiar emotion on his face.

"Well- because I don't want to feel awkward with you, and we're okay because- well because it was a mistake, a meaningless, drunken one that lead to nothing, so we should forget it, stop being awkward around each other, right?"

Blaine takes a second to process this, and he wears the same expression on his face. One I don't understand, one I've never seen before, but I notice the dejection in his eyes. Why is that? Are we not on the same boat here?

"Maybe we need some closure or something, then only can we forget it happened."

"Forgetting, yeah," Blaine says. "If that's what you want."

"It is, isn't it? Isn't it what you want?"

There is a pause. A confusing pause. He should be leaping off his seat to agree with me. Forgetting, yes forgetting it happened is the best damn thing to do.

"Okay, closure it is," Blaine says. "Do you want to shake on it?"

"Shake? If we want closure, we shouldn't be awkward around each other any more, and nothing screams awkward than a handshake between best friends," I say.

He smiles half heartedly. "Okay," Blaine says, and he drops the remote control, leans forward and wraps me into a hug. I take comfort in his warmth, and I fall in this longing embrace. I've missed this hug- this indescribable, comforting best friend hug that I always yearn for on days I feel down.

But this hug still feels different, and I don't know why that is. I feel Blaine's lips in my hair, planting a soft, gentle kiss and I freeze momentarily.

"Love you," he breathes.

"You too," I say before we part.

A mountain of awkwardness washes over us now, and I hate it. Despite closure, why do I still feel weird around him? Sleeping together altered our friendship, and I don't like it at all. This is why friends should always have a boundary line. He sits there now, staring at the ground and all I want is to turn back time and not kiss him that night.

"Well, I should be going."

"Okay," I say quickly.

He stands and I follow him out the door, handing him his coat. "The light is working," Blaine says, pointing to the ceiling.

"Thanks to you," I smile.

We descend the stairs down to the ground floor, where Mister Montry gives us a look but quickly turns away when he remembers I don't owe him shit. Outside is cold, and I have to wrap myself with my arms, in my PJ pants and tshirt when I send Blaine out.

"Well, I'll see you soon?" I say.

"Yeah," Blaine sends a small smile to me.

We stand across each other, I feel my nerves acting up- like a sense tingling or something. I don't know how, but I can feel something is upon me. Like a psychic or something. It sounds crazy, but there is this butterfly sensation in my stomach that is making me feel so nervous.

"Goodnight," Blaine says. He leans forward and encloses me into a hug, and I melt instantly into his arms, resting my chin on his shoulder. It's like music playing in my head- I feel like I'm taken away into another dimension.

We part, and he looks into my eyes, those warm brown eyes soft and gentle at me. Before I can comprehend anything or control my urge, I lean forward and crashes our lips together, kissing him hard. He doesn't fight it. On contrary, I fall, I sway like the wind into his affection, wrapping my arms around his neck.

His hands find their way to hold me firm around my waist, his hand resting on the small portion on my back and he kisses me deep, soft, gentle. A sparkle of a kiss, a kiss I've only felt twice before. It's unlike any other, unlike any thing I've ever felt. I lose myself into him, my thoughts, my worries all obliterated.

He pulls me forward, closer to him until we are flushed against each other. I don't have any form of sense in my head- everything just gone into the wind, my troubles far from me and all that matters right is this man who has been my comfort, my solace. Everything is again in perspective, everything make sense, everything is just what it should be.

I am brought back to reality when the building door opens, and my neighbour emerges. I hastily back away from Blaine, crimson at the fact that we were caught- not even by anyone we know, but still. Blaine stands there, chewing on his lower lip, unable to meet my eyes as well

"Goodnight," I choke.

"Goodnight," he says and he disappears into the crowd, and I can breathe again.

What the hell just happened.

-----------

Three weeks basically flew by. I am swamped with school, getting all my finals done and practising like crazy for dance finals. It's crazy how busy I've been I haven't had time to even think about anything- most importantly, no time at all to think about my relationship with Blaine.

I haven't quite seen him since he came over for that movie night, more profoundly, I haven't seen him since that confusing, spur of the moment kind of kiss. I don't know what washed over me, or us, because I didn't fight it. I let it happen, and that is confusing. If I wanted to forget something so bad, shouldn't I stop a kiss with the same guy? I don't even know how Gabe will react to any of this.

I haven't quite seen Gabe either. Everyone's busy with work. I know he's been getting a lot of dance schools taking field trips to his gallery. You don't know how many ballet schools there are in New York City. Even the less established ones. I only saw him four times, maybe. It's embarrassing to admit, but I am in quite of a carnal rut here. I can't think about that though. Not when school is this hectic.

It's eight PM on a Thursday night when I finally get out of school. My body is drained out of every possible energy I have left. I contemplate on getting a cab, but given the time, that is impossible. I am about to make my way home when I see a familiar car waiting outside the gates of NYADA. A black, shiny sedan town car. My eyes fall upon it, and as if on cue, the person inside emerges and it is Blaine, in his suit and tie.

"Blaine?" I say, a little aghast by his presence, though not much considering how exhausted I am. "What are you doing here?"

"Giving you a lift home," he says. "You obviously need one."

"How did you know I was still in school?"

"Dark abilities, remember?" he smirks.

"That gives me really creepy stalker feels," I say.

That kiss lingers back into my thoughts, and in this moment, in this cold, cold night, his lips would feel so, so warm on mine. I sigh at my own thoughts. I should stop thinking about this. It's not healthy, nor is it safe. I have to stop, and I should tell him I can find my own way home, but I am just so exhausted from me, so I cave in.

"Okay," I say. "I could use a ride."

We enter the vehicle and I relish the soft, genuine leather under my butt. I have to fight the urge to sleep though. I've been up since the wee hours of morning for school- but really because my thoughts haven't given me the opportunity to fall asleep.

"How have you been?" Blaine ask after he tells Marcus to drive.

"School's been hell," I say. "You?"

"I- actually have something to tell you," he says and I am quickly alert by his tone of voice.

"What?" I say, a little off my seat.

He inhales hard, before he speaks. "I told my dad that I want to take over the company."

"Oh my god," I say. "You've finally decided?"

"Yes, and though I have my reservations at this, I also want my father's legacy and hard work to be glorified, and be really taken care of, and since I don't trust anyone else to do it, I am going to do that. Also, I want my father to do what he wants- spend more time with my mother, because even though this job scares the life out of me, what he wants is still important so- yes, I am going to do this, and I hope I will do it good."

My heart warms at his words because they are so selfless, and so Blaine- trying to lie and say it's because he wants to this and that for other people, he is humble to admit that he knows he can do this. I love him for that, for that humble nature.

"I am so proud of you," I say. "You're going to do amazing, and this will be headline news."

"My father is going to announce it tomorrow, in the office, about his resignation and well- my promotion."

"Are you nervous?"

"Well, yeah," Blaine says in a factly tone. "I'm afraid everyone might feel uneasy about having a twenty one year old running a pretty major banking cooperation. Even I feel uneasy, I can't imagine how the others might feel."

"Yes, but a twenty one year old with knowledge and skills beyond his years. You will do great if not amazing, really Blaine."

"I hope you're right."

"Wait, where are we going? We just passed my building."

"I know," Blaine says guiltily. "I thought we could go down to Chelsea Piers for a bit."

"Why?" I frown.

"Because I need fresh air, and if you're not there I might jump off the rails from nervousness of tomorrow."

"You're really that scared?"

"Nervous more than anything," he sighs and my heart clenches at his tone. He feels like he's taking on something way past his comforts but I don't think that is true. He is one of the most business smart person I know.

I don't argue because despite feeling nervous, I know he needs me and in the process of forgetting, maybe this will help. I think it's a mutual understanding that we should not talk about that kiss because it's in the unsafe, things-we-should-not-do-zone. Right now, he's just my scared best friend, and I am his assurance.

The car takes us to Chelsea Piers which to me is one of the most secluded and quiet areas in the whole of New York. All you see is a skyline of the city, not the noise of bustling. We emerge from the car and I hold my coat tight around me. It's cold, so cold I barely feel my fingers.

The sound of strong waves crashing onto the concrete shore is loud, almost drowning out everything else. I curl into myself as Blaine appears around from the car.

"Walk with me?" he says in a tone that disarms my everything.

"You brought me all the way out here, to walk with you?" I snicker. "Sure."

"Not that we couldn't have taken a walk somewhere else, but I just need to clear my had a little before tomorrow."

"I get it," I smile. "You don't think you're ready."

"Not in the slightest," he admits.

The wind is strong on this part of town. My hair is being blown to different proportions as we stroll down the pier.

"Does Cooper know?" I ask.

"No," he sighs. "My father and I have even trying to get in touch with him."

"How has he been?"

"I don't know. Every time we want to go see him, he's gone before we arrive."

"Do you think he'll be mad?"

"That the company is going to me? Wouldn't you be?"

"Very," I say.

"Okay, enough- I don't wanna think about that right now. Your graduation is coming up?"

I sigh dreamily. Oh the very though of graduating from an elite drama school like NYADA gives me such a joyous, butterfly feels in my stomach.

"Yup," I say.

"What's next for Kurt Hummel?"

"Well, before we graduate, we have to enlist our names on Broadway productions and they'll be sent out to directors. Then we'll have to wait for a callback."

"Have you penned your name down on anything yet?"

"Not yet," I say. "I've heard that there's going to be a off Broadway remake of Romeo and Juliet. Who knows, I can play the role of Friar. The one that brings Romeo and Juliet together."

"Why don't you want to try out for Romeo?"

"You know why," I scoff.

"I don't."

"Because I'm not leading male material. Come on Blaine-"

"That's your humble nature talking," Blaine smirks. "Much like you believe I can run a bloody damn company, I believe you can pin down a character like Romeo in your sleep."

"I can't."

"You are leading male material, Kurt."

"I'm not."

"I will punch you if you say otherwise- and if you don't audition for Romeo then I'll cut you."

I laugh, and Blaine grins at me- an adorable, goofy grin I have missed. I like this- feeling lose around my best friend again.

"Romeo is the epitome of all male fictional characters- like, ever. How am I suppose to nail that one."

"By being you? A hopeless romantic."

"Hopeless, yeah."

"Not hopeless, okay? Audition that role, and I guarantee you're gonna get it."

"Romeo dies in the end though-"

"Yeah, and if anyone knows how to fake a good death, it's you. Remember how Azimo threw you against a locker and you wanted to scare the shit out of him so you played dead and he was scared shitless thinking he killed you."

"That prick. Wonder what he does now."

"Sweeping the roads of Ohio, probably," Blaine says and we chime in a rather mean laughter. Hey, the point of bullies is so after you graduate, you get to imagine them still being the pathetic losers they really are.

"This is nice- I forgot how much I've missed you."

"Me too," Blaine says.

"Oh god- what time is it?" I ask.

"A little past nine."

"That quick?"

"Time flies when you're having fun," Blaine winks and I laugh.

"And as fun as it has been, I have to get home. My dance finals are tomorrow," I say and I see the slight disappointment in the way he drops his shoulders. Sometimes I don't realize just how profound and important I am in his life- and I don't mean that in a pretentious, self-centric way or anything, but I just know I'm important.

"Okay," he says. "Thank you- for this walk."

"To remember," I smile.

We walk back to the car, where Marcus opens the door for us when we return. He's seriously the most good looking driver in the world, it's a shame he isn't gay though. Not that I would be interested, and I am sure if he was, Blaine would have had him.

"Oh, I haven't forgotten, by the way," Blaine says when we are in the car and Marcus pulls away.

My heart sinks into my stomach. That night, he hasn't forgotten about that night. Is this the blow out I know is coming? I have always anticipated a huge, brooding argument about that night and how it has changed us, is this it? I look at him expectantly, sinking into my seat a little.

"That your birthday is tomorrow," he says, and I heave a sigh of relief.

"Oh," I say.

He wears a cheeky grin, and I know he's hiding something.

"I don't know why I was expecting a bigger reaction. You've never been fond of your own birthday I don't know why."

"Who likes growing older?" I roll my eyes.

"I do recall someone saying how growing older means getting sexier," he smirks and I blush.

"I have the same level of sexual appeal as a baby penguin."

"You're plenty sexy, Kurt," Blaine says and it goes to my groin- I blush crimson, and an awkward silence falls upon us again.

I don't know when this awkwardness will be a bygone. Honestly. In the past, Blaine and I could tease and flirt with each other however, and whenever we liked, now ever since that stupid night we haven't been able to do that without having the night come crawling back to us like a creepy monster with sharp, scaly nails.

"So, any plans?" he ask.

"I have school till eight, so no."

"Hmm," he hums and I roll my eyes- I know he has something planned, and in my past experience, when he does have something already planned, it really is useless trying to tell him to drop or cancel it. "Can I give you your present now?" he says.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because birthday presents should be reserved for birthdays! It defeats the purpose of calling it a birthday gift, if you give it on a day that is not my birthday-"

"It's called an advance birthday present-"

"Save it," I say.

"Fine," he grumbles like a child.

The car pulls up in front of my building and a part of me feels disappointed that we're going to part ways. I miss him that much, okay? Sometimes it consumes me because Blaine has always been with me- always, and now we're doing a month a part sometimes it's crazy. I thank Marcus and he smiles at me.

I emerge out the vehicle, Blaine following with and he walks me up to my door. We stand apart from each other, awkwardly shuffling our feets. What the hell is this? The old us would hug, and he will exchange an inappropriate comment about how he's going to go down to a gay bar after this is 'snag up the last ass there'- I'm not kidding, he actually said that once. Now, there is a fear that we might kiss- but fear is not really the apt word to use. A subconscious yearn, maybe?

"Well, thank you again," he smiles at me.

I cannot explain my next action. Maybe it's the fact that I am so exhausted, or that I don't want to say goodbye to him because, like I said, I miss him that much. My mind itself is in an tired daze, and maybe I have no control over my words, but I actually am fully aware of the risk, but I say it anyway.

"Do you wanna come upstairs?"

He looks aghast by my offer. His eyes slightly widened, those thick, comical brows of his raising high to reach for the damn heavens. He looks unsure, and I almost want to regret why I asked. Heck, why should I ask? He's been over at my place countless of fucking times. This shouldn't be awkward.

"Sure," he says, and I know he's feigning a shrug.

I smile, both at his words, but also with my inner satisfaction. I know I started something I might regret, because I just know what awaits us. It really is not safe to ask him up when I know it's just going to be the two of us, but my exhaustion consumes my thoughts, and in this moment I cannot care less.

--------

We enter my apartment, it feels like a death trap to me right now, but I couldn't care less. We've been in my apartment together countless of times, but somehow this night feels different. Good different, sinful different? I can't decide because, in my state of exhaustion, I've lost the ability to tell between right and wrong.

I make my way to the kitchen, while Blaine removes his coat and takes a seat on the couch. I contemplate juice, because juice is safe, juice keeps you in sane mind, but a part of me chooses something different. Something lethal. I pull open the top drawer, and the bottles of Tequila and Vodka stares back at me.

"Here," I say to Blaine, handing him the glass. He doesn't drink it though, he looks at me and sets it down the table.

I drop to the seat next to him, and I rest my head a little. No, this shouldn't lead to anything else. All I want is to be with my best friend tonight, because Rachel is not here and it gets quiet sometimes. Yes, that's the reason why I want him here. I don't know why I keep thinking of the risk and my fears- what fears? He's been here a lot of times.

"Twenty two should be an exciting age," Blaine smirks and I'm glad he's taking control of the conversation.

"Tell me about it," I say.

"What is the one thing you could ask for if I were to give you your candles right now?"

"Telling means not getting it."

"Telling means being truthful," Blaine says.

"I don't know- maybe, probably- to forget we ever slept together," I say.

"Is that really what you would wish for, Kurt?" Blaine says, I hear the dejection in his voice, but my eyes are closed and I don't want to look at him.

"It should be what I should wish for," I say.

"But it's not?"

"I don't know," I breathe and I feel him shifting a little, a weight now just inches beside me. I gulp, and though I want to open my eyes, I keep them close, because not seeing his face might actually make this less guiltful.

"Have you forgotten, about that night?"

I contemplate this, and the truth is that I haven't. No matter how hard I try, or how wrong I tell myself it was, feelings overwrites all thoughts and though it was wrong, it felt so damn right. I gulp hard, and the for once let myself go- let myself wonder in the possibility.

"No, I haven't forgotten."

"You still remember every thing," Blaine says and I open my eyes now to greet him. His eyes are brown, hazel brown, warm and burning. I know nothing right now, but the truth, and a part of me wants this night to go further- no matter how wrong it is.

"I do," I breathe.

He shifts closer, steadily and carefully and even though I should back away, because he's my best friend and I have a boyfriend, I don't because my eyes are fixated on those lips. Those lush, pink lips I want nothing more than to have on me. My exhaustion keeps me paralysed, keeps my head in a distant.

"I haven't forgotten too," he breathes, and I gulp. "I keep trying to, I keep telling myself I have to- but I cant, and frankly, I won't."

I am speechless, the ability to form coherent sentences is far from me now that Blaine is mere inches. I can almost taste how his lips would feel on mine already, his brown eyes never leaving my sight. I need to move, need to get away because I know I will regret this later- but I can't, because more than my exhaustion, I yearn for this.

"You remember everything, don't you Kurt?" he says, and I nod slowly. "Do you remember this?" he says, and I inhale sharply when I feel his strong hands rising up my thighs, slowly, sensually. His eyes flicker back to me and I melt in his gaze. I am in an oblivion, nothing else matters right now.

His hand travels slowly up the back of my thigh, and rises up to rest on my ass. Blaine looks up again, and his eyes on me- he slowly begins to fall, and soon those lips I've yearned for in this cold, cold night in New York City is on me, and it's the warmth I've always ever needed. His lips soft, and gentle, his tongue slowly caressing mine like a harmless creature. His hand rises to rest on my hip. He shifts, and gently pushes me down on this couch, and climbs on top of me. His weight pressing me into the cushions.

I part my legs, and raise my left foot to coil around his own. He kisses me tenderly, taking away every worry and every thought I've ever had away from me. His mouth is a God gift, his eyes much like the same. He holds me firm, and tight. It feels gentle, careful, experimental- and though I want to crumble and explode with his every sensual touch, I want him- I crave for him, something I never thought I would say.

I push his jacket over his shoulders, and he throws if off willingly. I yearn for this man, my best friend- whom, in this moment, is not the man who holds that title. Right now he holds the title of the man I crave for, for some enigmatic reason. I crave him, I yearn for his touch, his warm skin to be on me. I yearn for him to kiss me harder, have those lips all over me.

I quickly undo his button, every single one I practically rip off the holes. I pull him closer to me, kissing him with all my might. His lips on me, I want to fall and break and shatter into a million pieces because his skin is warm against my cold fingers as I trail the subtle abdominal muscles on his body, gently rising my finger up to his neck and pull him forward, sinking his lips into mine.

I feel his fingers undoing my buckle, but when the door opens, I am brought back to reality the door opens. I thrash under him, until he falls from me. I turn my sight quickly to the door, and Rachel is standing there, looking ashen and embarrassed.

"Oops," she says.

I am mortified, and Blaine is quickly pulling his shirt over himself again. I cannot look at Rachel, and so I dash out the apartment, and I hear Blaine following with. Oh my god, what the hell just happened. I was so lost- I didn't stop myself. I almost slept with Blaine again, and this time we were caught. I make it to the ground floor, and I burst out the building, Blaine footsteps from. I stop on the porch, and try to catch my breath.

"Oh god, Rachel walked in on us-"

"Yeah," Blaine says. He is putting on his shirt.

"Okay, we have to forget this happened. Tonight never happened. I'll tell Rachel, beg her to keep it to herself and maybe we can forget this too," I say to Blaine, because that is the sensible thing to do here.

Blaine looks at me then, his eyes a little stunned by my words, which I don't get. It's what we should do, right?

"Oh, and forget we kissed that night too, right?" Blaine says, and it sounds like a frustrated spit.

"Yes, we should forget that-"

"God, you are really fucking screwed up, you know that Kurt?" Blaine spits at me and I am taken aback by his angered tone. "You keep saying we should forget every single fucking thing, yet you know neither of us can do that! Heck, you literally just admitted to me that you couldn't forget that we had sex!"

"I am trying-"

"Yeah well maybe you should stop trying to forget, and instead figure out why is it you can't forget."

I am speechless. I am unable to let his words sink, and he looks really, really pissed- at me. That never happens. That look is usually reserved for people who torment him, or his brother even. But never at me.

"What does that mean?" I say, a little timidly.

"Well, Kurt, maybe you can't forget because- try as you might to say it was meaningless, maybe it wasn't as meaningless as you had wanted it to be. Maybe- maybe it meant something but you're too scared to face it."

"What are you even trying to say here, Blaine?" I say, and though I pretend to not know where he's going with this, a part of me, a part that I've tried to kept silent and ignorant for awhile now knows fully well what he's getting into.

"Maybe neither of us can forget that night because it wasn't just meaningless sex. It was something that neither of us knew, but it was impending- maybe, maybe you just don't want to open yourself up to the fact that maybe you just might have feelings for me."

"Blaine, you're my best friend-"

"Have you considered that possibility though, Kurt?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because- because you're my best friend! And that is what I want you to be. I love you- I've always loved you but that is because you're my best friend and we've always been there for each other. Plus, I have a boy friend now-"

"You know, you keep saying you have a boyfriend, but on all occasions, you're the one who kissed me first," Blaine declares. "So tell me, Kurt, if you've never opened yourself up and wonder, why the fuck did you kiss me that first time?"

I am tongue tied, because it is true. I was the one who kissed him first- of all the times, I was the one to kiss him first. I search within myself, my thoughts, my heart vault. The truth will set you free- seems to me right now that the truth is staring at me like the lethal words they truly are.

"And if you give me that bullshit about how we were fucking drunk, I won't accept that because we weren't. We weren't drunk. I saw the bottles there in your kitchen. So what's going to be your excuse?"

"Will you stop!" I scream at him. "I don't know why I kissed you, okay? Maybe it's because you were there, and maybe it's because- God, I just don't fucking know! Why didn't you stop me then!"

"Because I lost myself in you! When you kissed me, it was unlike anything I felt- and I didn't want it to end. Because you took all my thoughts away when you kissed me and even though you wanted to forget, I didn't! I didn't want to forget because I've never kissed anyone and felt the way I felt when I kissed you! That is the truth, Kurt, that is why I didn't stop you, because aren't like you, I don't try to sweep away something that felt different. I actually opened myself up to the possibly- and even though I still am confused about how I feel about you, it's way more than you just trying to forget about it just because you feel guilty. Here's a fucking thought, if you don't want to feel guilty, then stop fucking kissing me and then tell me we should forget about it!"

"You told me we should forget! You told me we should forget about what happened-"

"Because you were crying and you felt like the worst person in the world! I suggested that because I knew it was what you wanted! I know that was what you needed! I asked you, and you said yes and you said it was a mistake!"

"Because it was-"

"If it was then why the fuck did we almost just did that again, huh? You were fully sober, yet you did nothing when I kissed you! If it was a mistake then why didn't you stop it!"

I want nothing more than to run- far away from all of this. Somewhere away from this confrontation, far from those eyes that are looking at me in rage, in frustration. I feel myself breaking up inside, my eyes welling up in tears. My hands starting to tremble from my insides tearing up inside.

"Be truthful, Kurt. Tell me."

"I can't."

"Because you have a boyfriend."

"Because it will ruin the dynamic we have-"

"All I ask is you open yourself up to the possibility that you might have feelings for me," Blaine says.

"I can't do that. I won't do that," I say.

"Because you're afraid, aren't you? Because you fear you might lose what you and Gabe have. That is the exact reason why you don't want to open yourself up, because you think you won't find someone who will love you like how Gabe does. He isn't all that you think he is, but if you don't want to at least give yourself the chance to wonder, then I don't know where should we go from here."

"What does that mean?" I say, my tears streaming down my face.

"It means, that if you don't want to even consider it, and that we feel awkward with each other- then I don't know how to go on from here."

"You're my best friend.."

"Maybe I've grown out of that, but you choose not to."

"Blaine-"

"Happy birthday, Kurt," Blaine says.

He looks at me with those eyes one last time, before he turns and strides- disappearing into the crowds of Manhattan. I am about to crumble into a million shattered, broken shards. I run into my building, up the stairs. I burst into the apartment, and Rachel looks at me.

"Kurt- what's wrong?" she ask in concern, but I can't talk to her. I can't talk to anyone. I dash into my bedroom, slam the door shut and cry into my pillow- screaming, bawling myself into the night because I might have possibly lost my best friend.

--------

I rushed out for school the next day before Rachel woke up. I am trying to avoid all conversations with everyone today, which is a little selfish considering it's my birthday, but after the events that happened last night, I just am drained out of all the energy I have. So I busied myself hard with practising for the dance finals.

Eight PM and I am finally leaving school when I see someone I know standing by the gates of NYADA.

"Hello," Gabe breathes into the cold wind when I approach.

"Hi," I respond.

"I forgot to do something today," he says and then he suddenly tugs me forward, into his arms and kisses me full on my lips. I am stunned when I find myself not loving his lips on me. I am disgusted with myself. I used to insult people who cheat on their partners, now I am basically did the same thing.

"Happy birthday," he wishes me and I push my thoughts out my head.

"Thank you," I say.

"You age well."

"It's only been a day."

"Still," he smiles. "Shall we go to my place, or yours?"

"Either which is fine," I smile.

"Good. My place then so I can give you your present."

"A present?" I force a smile at him, trying to swallow back how I felt when he kissed me.

"I'll give you a hint- it involves a camera, and handcuffs."

I gulp so hard I think I tore the walls in my throat. That sounds way too kinky for me. Handcuffs? I don't think I like the idea of being held down- heck, even when Gabe and I have sex I hate when he holds my hands over my head. I actually like to let my hands wander- kind of like sex with Blaine....stop.

I am about to respond, when my phone rings. I pull it out and Rachel's ID comes to the screen. I fear to answer for awhile, but I do anyway.

"Hello?"

"Kurt! Where are you?" she ask in urgency.

"I just left school, going over to Gabe's place. Why?"

"Oh my god you have to get home now! I lost my key and the door is locked and I swear I smell gas coming out of the apartment! I think I left the stove on when I heated up soup earlier!"

My heart sinks into my stomach. My apartment! No! I have always had fears because Rachel has almost burned the place down more than once in the past. Now it's actually happening!

"I'm coming," I say quickly before hanging up. "Gabe, we have to get back to my place. Rachel is locked out and there's gas coming from my apartment!"

"Oh," he looks disappointed. "We better hurry then," he says.

I dash to the direction of my building, thanking myself again for not getting an apartment too far from NYADA. I cross every single road without the green man signaling me. Honks and profanities coming from drivers as I run.

Gabe is on my tracks. I see Ben, the homeless men outside my building and I sigh in relieve that I've arrived.

"I'm sorry Ben I didn't get anything today!" I say quickly before running into the building and climbing up the stairs, my adrenaline running. Rachel is outside, trying shaking on the door handle, eyes filled with tears.

"Oh my god thank god you're here! Hurry up!" she stammers, her voice cracking in fear.

I pull my key out and quickly slot it into it's place. I hear Rachel mumbling her apologies behind me. When I push the door open though, the lights flicker on and a group of familiar faces jump out from behind furnitures.

"Surprise!" Everyone screams at me. I am taken aback for a second from their volume, but I smile when I see someone whom I have missed for ages.

"Oh my god, dad?" I feel tears already welling up in the corner of my eyes.

"Hey kid," he says and I crumble like the little child I am to my father. I race for him and wrap him into a death hug, sobbing into his shoulder. "Hey don't cry! It's your birthday!"

"I'm sorry," I say. "I just have missed you so much."

My father comforts me. After all the tiring days in school, and the responsibilities I hold living on my own in New York, I just have never realized how much I missed being under the security of my father. I have missed him so much, and having him here makes me feel so much better than I have felt in a long, long time.

After what feels like forever, I pull away from him and wipe my tears away. My father ruffles my hair in a way he always does, and I feel like a kid again.

I look around the room and I see the people that I know and love- the people who were my comfort blanket in high school. I see Mercedes, Quinn, Tina, Mike Chang, Sam, Brittany, Santana, Carole my stepmother, my father- everyone I love is here and I can't help but to feel more tears about to fall.

"You're all here? But how?" I ask.

"Well, it's your birthday! Duh! Plus, you're graduating from NYADA in a few days so we're all staying until then!"

"Oh my god, really?" I throw myself onto my father again, hugging him to his deaths.

"Okay kid, I might develop a broken ribcage if you don't ease up abit," my father says.

"I'm sorry," I say quickly. "But how? How are you guys here?"

"Blaine planned to surprise you, and flew them all in," Rachel says. "But he couldn't make it because he has something on with his family. He apologizes, but hope you enjoys your birthday."

"Pretty crappy if you ask me," Santana says.

I know the truth of it is that he doesn't want to face me, and the thought makes me feel sick. Blaine did this for me. He flew in all my loved ones, my father, everyone who means a lot to me on my special day and his thought makes me flutter, but broken at the reminder that I have probably lost me friendship with him.

"I hope you're happy we're here?" Quinn says and it makes me smile because I have missed the once was a bitchy cheerleader who didn't wan to acosciate with the likes of me, but now is in my apartment, in New York City, here to celebrate my birthday.

"I am- beyond words."

"Good," she smiles.

"I am so glad you're all here," I say, and I feel myself wanting to cry again, overwhelmed by the number of familiar faces I see. My father is beside me in seconds, wrapping his arm over my shoulders. I sink into his comfort. I have missed him so much.

"Okay, so lets drop the sentimental shit and get this Too Young For Twenty Two party started!" Santana yells and the music blast.

---------

"I still can't believe you are both here," I say to my father and Carole.

"Well believe it, kid. Blaine called us a few weeks ago and asked us to clear our schedules on your birthday. He flew us in, despite telling him I could pay my own darn ticket. He insisted," my father tells, and I flutter again at what he did. Every time I think about him, I am reminded of what happened last night. "Sad he couldn't be here though."

"Yeah," I agree.

"So how have you been, kiddo? You've barely called me."

"I know, dad. I'm sorry. I've just been really busy with school. I've been fine."

"I am so proud of you, Kurt. Graduating from NYADA in a few days. You've worked so hard."

"Thank you, dad."

"How is Blaine, anyway?" my father ask because through high school, my father was fully aware of the my friendship with Blaine. He has always known how close we were. They were pretty close themselves.

"He's been fine," I say, though how do I tell my father I slept with him and now our friendship is broken because of something he claims have been impending. Has it been an impending thing? I don't want to think about that, much like all the things Blaine had said yesterday. I can't open myself up to that, because I know a Pandora box waits if I do.

"Mister Hummel? May I introduce myself, my name is Gabe," a voice suddenly interrupts us, and I gulp. My father still hasn't been told about my boyfriend yet. This should be interesting.

"Yeah, urm- dad, Carole, this my- urm, boyfriend," I say, though that title makes me feel all dirty and disgusting inside. I don't deserve to call him that.

"You're Kurt's boyfriend?" my father says, a little aghast- I can tell. He glances over at my stepmother, and they exchange a look I don't understand what.

"I take it Kurt hasn't told you about me," Gabe says and he glances over at me.

"Sorry," I say.

"Why haven't you told us about Gabe, Kurt?"

"Just- like I said, been busy, dad," I say, though the truth of it is I don't know how would I even tell my father that. I know he still sees me as his little boy.

"Still-"

"I know," I say quickly. "I should have told you."

"So anyway, how did you two meet?"

Oh shit, this should be interesting. How is my father going to feel about how we met when he was my professor, and I was his student. This is going to be so awkward. Maybe this was one of the reason why I didn't want to tell him in the first place.

"At a coffee shop Kurt was working at," Gabe says and I heave a sigh of relief.

"Yeah," I say, and I find myself needing to leave this little interaction. I can't sit here and let Gabe talk about us as a couple, when I don't feel like we are. Not after what Blaine has said last night. "Urm, I'll go get some drinks," I say and I get up to leave to where Rachel and Mercedes and standing by the little beverage table.

"Hey birthday boy," Mercedes grins and she pulls me into a hug. I can actually crumble into tears by all the love and affection I am getting tonight. Just what I need after probably losing my best friend last night. Having him walk away from me like that- those eyes burning with rage and frustration. It gives me chills just thinking about how he probably hates me now.

"Hey 'Cedes," I say.

"You look a little glum. Are you not happy to see us?"

"What- of course I am! Are you crazy? This is the best day," I say, though my heart does not resonate to what I say. I am happy to see all of them- my father especially- but after what happened last night, how can I not be glum.

"He just had a rough night," Rachel saves me, and I am reminded how she walked in on Blaine and I.

"I can't believe Anderson isn't here. That's really sucks of him," Mercedes says.

"He's just busy," I say, trying to save his image because it's not his fault he doesn't want to see me. I can't blame him- I wouldn't want to see me either.

His words have been ringing in my head all day long. Open myself up to the possibly of having feelings for him, but I won't do that. That's not what we are. We were best friends. Opening myself up to that might ruin us- though, not opening myself up already did ruin us.

"Okay, it's time!" Santana yells over the music. "Bring out the cake for Lady Hummel," she orders and a huge black forest cake appears from the kitchen, carried by Puck and Mike, because that is how big it is. It holds sparks for candles, twenty two of them.

"Blaine ordered this, because he said it was your favourite," Rachel whispers into my ear.

"It is," I say.

"Everyone now- Berry, don't try to make this into one of your nauseating solos," Santana says, and everyone chimes into the traditional Happy Birthday song for me. I haven't felt this loved by so many people in a long time. New York is still the future for me, a blast from the past is what I've needed.

"Make a wish!" I hear Gabe yell over everyone else.

I take a second, my mind swirling for the right wish. The perfect one, no matter how superstitious it might sound to actually think it might work. A wish is exactly what I need right now, but a wish for what exactly is a little tricky.

Please let everything be okay again

I blow the candles out.

---------

"So you're sure you and dad will be okay in here?" I ask Carole when I am done changing the sheets of my bed. I figured I should surrender my bedroom to her and my father since they won't be staying at a hotel- not that I want him to either.

"Yes Kurt. Are you sure the couch is okay?" Carole ask. "Because we would be fine getting a hotel if you want your bed."

"Are you nuts? It's fine, really," I smile at her. "I'm just so happy you guys are here."

"We're happy we're here as well," Carole says and she wraps me in a hug. "Since I have you alone, I wanted to ask you- are you okay? Because you just look really down."

Can everyone see that in my face?

"I'm fine, just a little tired," I try to reassure her.

"Okay," Carole says, though I know she still holds her suspicions. "You know that you can still talk to me if you need to, right?"

"I do," I say, because Carole filled the role of my mother back when I was in high school. She cannot replace my mother of course, but she did fill the role enough. I am sure my mother would have loved her.

"Okay, good. Your boyfriend seems like a very good guy."

"He is," I tell her.

"Funny, I've always thought- oh, never mind," Carole says, but there is a slight smile on her face.

"What?" I ask, a little intrigued by that shy grin she has on her face.

"Nothing- forget it. Gabe really is a good guy," she smiles but she holds something else in her eyes. I shrug, because I really am drained from last night, and today.

"Well, please no funny business on my bed! And even if you do, don't tell me, or don't let me hear it, okay?"

She blushes crimson and I laugh at her embarrassment before leaving the bedroom. The rest of my friends have left for a night to party out in town, only Rachel is here helping me clean up before we join them down at the bar across the street. Great, this should be interesting being alone in the four walls with the person who walked in on you cheating on your boyfriend with your best friend.

"We could just leave this and do this later," I say.

"Ah- it's fine, the faster we do this the lesser it is to do tomorrow."

I start picking up plastic cups, throwing them into the big black plastic bag I hold in my hands, all the while trying to avoid eye contact with Rachel because knowing her, she's going to pry and ask what happened last night. If I couldn't even explain it to Blaine, I sure as hell can't explain it to her.

"So, now that we're alone, mind telling me what happened last night?" she ask, and although I anticipated it, my heart sinks.

"Can we just- not talk about that?" I say.

"Why? You were crying your eyes out, for all I know you could possibly be in depression and I would feel guilty if I find you dead in your bedroom because I never tried to ask if anything was wrong."

"You make no sense right now," I say, trying to shut her out.

"Kurt," Rachel says more seriously now. I look up, and her eyes are narrowed to me now, the look she wears when she wants to play no games anymore and wants me to out with the truth. "Tell me what happened."

"Nothing, okay?" I say.

"So I didn't just walk in on you and Blaine having sex then?" she says.

"No-"

"So this must be the second time then, right? Or have you guys slept together more times?"

I am aghast. She knows- she knows of both times. "You know?" I say, trying to keep my voice down, but it's pretty hard when your other best friend knows about something you tried kept hidden.

"About the first time you and Blaine slept together? Yes, Blaine told me. Well- in his drunken mind, he told me."

"He- told you? Oh my god. When?"

"Awhile ago," Rachel says.

"Awhile ago? But- if you've known, how come you never said anything?"

"Because why should I? You guys obviously wanted to keep it a secret. So what are you? Friends with benefits now?"

"What- no! I have a boyfriend."

"That didn't stop you from sleeping with him."

"Rachel- please don't. Not right now."

"I just want to know what happened, and what's going on between you two," Rachel argues.

"I don't know what happened, okay? Maybe we were drunk or something."

"Well, you see, being drunk doesn't really explain much. When you're drunk, you have no control over yourself, and well- you have no hesitation or restrain, so you do what your body desires, and wants you to do- so, did you somehow desire to sleep with Blaine?"

"Shut up Rachel!" I exclaim. "It just wasn't suppose to happen."

"Wasn't it suppose to happen? Sooner or later, at least," she says.

"What does that mean?" I sigh tiredly at her.

"Think about it for a second, will you? Blaine is your stable guy forever, and maybe you've never seen this before, nor has he because neither of you have ever been in a stable relationship with someone else, but now that you have, maybe things are set into perspective for you and Blaine-"

"What kind of perspective?"

"That you were meant for each other from the start. That's why it eventually happened."

"That is ridiculous, Rachel. He's Blaine-"

"Your Blaine. Always have been, always will be-"

"Not anymore, okay?" I say, a little too loudly I might add. "We just- he said he's grown out of being my best friend, and I don't blame him."

"Exactly, maybe he's grown out of it because- well, like I said, because he realized something when you guys slept together," she says. "I'm just stating what I think is going on here- that you guys have realized that you are meant for each other. Maybe it sounds crazy to say, but I've always thought Blaine and you were perfect for each other. Especially the way he takes care of you, and how you're always there for him."

"It is crazy to say."

"Why? Because you don't want to even let yourself think about Blaine that way? Why is that, Kurt?"

"Because he's my best friend!"

"Sometimes- best friends fall in love."

"I just don't want to talk about this anymore," I say because this is almost exactly what Blaine said last night. I don't want to feel that way about him. I just don't. He used to be my best friend, and now- like the movie we watch A Lot Like Love, there's nothing like romance to ruin a good friendship. And guess what, it did.

"Fine then," Rachel says, and she carries the black rubbish bag out, but she turns to me before she leaves. "Just so you know, when Blaine told me about how you slept together, he also mentioned, in the state of drunkness that he was in, that sex with you was fireworks and amazing and that he couldn't forget it no matter how much you wanted him to. If that isn't a realization I don't know what is."

The door slams, and I fall onto my couch. A realization, meant to be- what is happening to the friendship I once had with Blaine. Now everything is just a ball of confusion and I just wished everything was back as it should be. But could it possibly be then? If I do open myself up to having feelings for him, what happens if I don't want to have that? What if opening myself up will ruin everything- more than it has already been ruin.

I don't know, and I don't want to know. All I know is, I might have lost the one person that has always been there for me.