After Blaine left my room to get changed for the camp fire party, I too dig through the remains of my luggage to find something decent. The more clothes Ive worn, the more I am reminded that this retreat would soon be over and Id have to face my real problems in the Big Apple. My designs are hanging in the small closet of this room. I glance briefly at it but now I dont have the guts to look at them yet. I havent made up my mind - to leave or to go through with this. I cant face them until Ive made my decision. It feels like Im ripping their dreams away from being seen, not that I feel bad about it. Theyre not a reflection of me, theyre a reflection of how much I want a big break.

I return downstairs adorned in a light print-all-over, oversize poncho and short chinos that expose my skinny legs. The sun has officially set and its dark outside. The only one ready is Noah, who isnt wearing anything but lots of baby oil rubbed all over his torso and denim cut-offs. Then I realized there is a girl sitting next to him. A girl Ive never met before. She looks invested in Noahs choice of nothingness on his back, and Noah seems very interested in her cleavage bearing blouse. "Whos your friend?" I ask. Noah pulls a coquettish smirk and introduces the blond to me. "This is Sarah. Apparently she is one of Rachels bridesmaids." My eyebrows instinctively raise at the girl, judging her every slight movement. Who is this girl, and why is she close enough with Rachel to be given the honor. She rises to her feet and shakes my head, so I am forced to introduce myself. "Im Kurt. Rachels mister-of-honour." I knew I could have introduced myself by name only, by a childish side of me wanted this stranger to know just who exactly Rachels right hand is.

In high school, I never found the need to assert my relevance in Rachels life because I was her only real friend, with the exception of my brother of course. I guess when someone youve never met before manages to slither around your best friends fingers, its natural to feel threatened. When she sits down, I start interrogating her like a police officer interrogating a potential suicide bomber. I garner that she is the lighting director of Rachels Broadway show, thats how they know each other. Shes nice overall. She might seem like the type to sleep with anything with a penis and a pulse, but that may just be my jealousy talking.

Sam joins us soon, and Sarah makes a remark, asking just how many hot guys are there here. Sometimes my instincts are dead on. I havent talked to Sam after what happened the night before, and he hasnt spoken to me much either. I dont feel a maladroit energy around us, but if a friend you thought was straight surprises you with a kiss and an offer for distraction sex, it has a slight tendency to cause at least some awkwardness. But I must admit that he does look like the guy you should have distraction sex with. Santana is the most excited one when she appears with denim shorts and a bikini top. The number of necklaces she wears drown her neck. She has met Sarah before because they greet each other in a tight embrace that scream friends. I roll my eyes wearily.

When Rachel and Finn appear, my sight immediately goes to their faces. They are both sporting tight frowns, as if theyve just stepped out of an argument. Ive been around them when they argue, so I can tell when its the aftermath. My brother briefly looks over to me, but pulls his eyes away quickly. Something definitely happened. Rachel greets Sarah with the biggest, warmest hug ever. At this point, Ive pretty much peeked with my tolerance level for her. The last person to come down the stairs is Blaine, and since we had a small ceasefire earlier, I dare to watch him gracefully go down the stairs in a breezy white tank top with a piano design at the center of it and short board shorts. He smiles at me and I reciprocate the same. Hes always loved the piano. He used to play it to me all the time.

We go out through the patio and down to the beach. The wind is strong that even my poncho cant save me. Santana tells us that the camp fire is down the shore and a few houses from ours so we trek the warm sand. The cold wind against the warm sand feels sensational, like drinking warm iced tea with ice still bobbing the surface. "Are you sure we can trust these guys? What if their intentions are incorrigible?" I ask Santana. She scoffs and tells me to have a little fun. I roll my eyes because its the second time tonight that somebody has told me to take risk. I catch up to Rachel and tangle my arm with her. The new girl, Sarah, is too busy making sure Noah has his hand on her waist because, and I quote, "Shes afraid there is a sinkhole." Noah probably is hoping she lets him to her sinkhole.

"So I went to see the floral arrangements with Santana. Theyre very simplistic and beautiful," I tell her. She nods half-heartedly but doesnt give me a word of response. I can tell something is wrong, between Finn walking far behind the group with his hands in his jeans pocket, and Rachel studying the sand she walks on. I make sure we arent near to anyone before I ask her if she was alright. She doesnt give me an instant answer, which worries me further. "When you were dating Blaine, did you know his nightly rituals?" I frown at her, confused at her question. "Did you know what he would do before bed - like putting moisturizer or lotion his arms?"

"Yeah. He makes sure to lather on LOreals hair gloss serum before he goes to bed at night, and have a cup of Liptons apple tea with half a table spoon of honey," I tell her. I surprise myself that I still remember Blaines nightly ritual to such great detail. I briefly wonder if he remembers mine. "Finn doesnt know mine," tells Rachel. Her voice must have dropped an octave. I can see how it could be upsetting, but I tell Rachel that its not a big deal and that straight guys arent observant. "Would you marry someone who didnt know you?" she ask me, and now I am troubled. I stop her in her tracks and let the group walk ahead of us. Finn briefly glances at us but he continues walking. "Whats gotten into you? Are you still stuck on what Santana said?"

"I was over it, then I found out that he didnt know what I do before I go to bed. Weve been together for almost 10 years now," she tells me. Her eyes are at the verge of flooding a small village. I put my hands on her shoulders in some hope that it would stable her senses. "10 years, exactly. You cant compare one small detail with 10 years of history, Rachel. Its an imbalance comparison. You and Finn -"

"Were programmed for each other, I got that," she cuts me off, mocking my words in a weary tone. Ive never seen this Rachel before. Ive been too caught up in my own mess I forgot the people around me. "Frankly Im getting sick of that rom-com cliché crap. Finn and I werent programmed to find each other. I wanted him because he was the man of McKinley and god knows why he wanted me. Probably some project he thought would be interesting. Weve stayed together because thats all that we know - each other. At least thats what I thought was the reason. Now I learn that he doesnt know me at all. What if Santana is right? What if the only reason Im marrying Finn is because hes familiar?"

"Im going to try and be completely calm right now," I say to Rachel because, right now, she is a stove left fuming and I dont want to accidentally cause a spark. "This is just your wedding jitters. Its natural to be afraid of commitment. Its not a thing, its a feeling. The idea of being legally tied to each other is daunting. Youre just scared right now. Finn loves you and he knows more about you than I do. Youre not marrying Finn because hes familiar, youre marrying him because he saw you when no one else did. Those are your words, remember?"

Rachel looks far into the sea and I know that look, its when I wish I was as far as the horizon is because I dont want to be somewhere. Im not getting through to Rachel. She has led herself to believe in her own convictions and this scares me - it scares me for what entails next. She sighs heavily and looks up to me. "Yes, words from the perspective of an insecure high school girl. Ive grown up and this is the perspective I have - that I am too inexperienced to jump into matrimony. Dont tie me to what I said years ago because thats not fair. You should know by now that people change."

"Yes, but I know you!" I snap before I can stop myself. "This is insane. Sure, youve had your ups and downs but ultimately you always found your way back to each other. You guys are the entity of true love-"

"What is wrong with you?" she startles me. I can see her grow rigid and tensed. "I would have thought that you of all people should know that the concept of true love is overrated. You fell straight out of love with the person you promise you would marry someday. Now you can barely stand to be in the same room with the guy. How are you spouting out all these nauseating cliches when I know how you feel about love? Youre so full of shit and I dont know why! You want to talk about entities of true love? Go figure out why you left yours just because he slept with one fucking guy once."

Rachel storms away, leaving me with a gaping hole in my chest and a thousand thoughts floating into my mind. Is she right about me? I tell her that in the grand scheme of things, one small mistake shouldnt matter, but I left Blaine because of one mistake too. I hear the contradiction in my words now. I cant help Rachel because Im not the best believer in commitment either. By the time I catch up with the group, theyve all dispersed into the massive beach party crowd. The way Santana talked about it, it sounded very intimate. Now that Im here, its practically Coachella; the masses are drunk and high and people seem to be more interested in what theyre wearing (or not wearing) than for the whole point of the event. Orange twinkly lights canopy over our heads, imitating the stars. A huge bonfire sits in the middle of the mass. The music is so loud here it is pounding into my ears. Clearly Santana was misled, but I cant find anyone I know.

I want to find Rachel because she is unstable, I read it in her eyes. I could be wrong. She could simply be overreacting, it wouldnt be the first time. Then again shes never overreacted to the point where she questions her love for Finn. I havent been able to trust my instincts lately. Everything I do seems to cause a negative chain reaction. I push my way through the crowd, hoping to find a familiar face. I do find Noah and Sarah who has skipped all the bases and now are in full second base sitting on a three log just a few feet from the fire. Clearly my instincts about her were right so Im not completely out of the woods. I march towards them and smack Noah on his head. He pulls his lips away from Sarah and scowls at me.

"Have you seen Rachel?" I shout over the music. He frowns at me, so I repeat the question louder and right into his ears. "I dont know, but who even cares? Go grab a drink or something and pull that dildo out of your ass, Hummel." I stride away from him because it is so easy for Noah to be indifferent. He isnt haunted by the ghost of his past, or have to deal with career drama or a best friend on the brink of a wedding breakdown. Its so easy for people who dont live in your shoes to infer commentaries, its far different actually living in your shoes. I see my brother through a large crowd of dancing bikini girls. He is sitting on the sand with a red solo cup in his hands. I dash through the girls and, in a panic, scream, "Your bride is going mental! She has all these crazy ideas in her head about how you dont know her and I dont know where she is!" Finn cocks his eyebrows at me and laughs. "Did you not hear me?" I scream. Does he have thoughts of his own? My blood runs cold in my veins.

"Shes right over there," tells Finn. I follow his sight to where Rachel is in the middle of the mass of dancers, partaking in an inappropriate, almost sexual dance with some surfer boy. They look like extras in a traumatizing Nicki Minaj music video. "Are you not going to stop that guy leaving dick prints on your fiances ass?" Finn laughs and orders me to sit. I am so confused why Finn is so calm about this. I left Blaine for basically the same thing. The sand is warm on my legs and particles of it hop together with the beat of the techno music. "Please go and sit on him or something." I tell him. He sighs wearily and wraps his arms around my neck. "She needs this. Shes been stressed out about marrying me for days now. We had a spat because I didnt know her nightly ritual. That just shows how stressed out she really is. She needs something to take her mind off of it."

"She thinks you dont know her, Finn. I think she means it," I tell Finn. He snickers more and I hate how he is taking this too lightly. I wonder if he is too delusional to think that Rachel is serious because he believes their history can withstand anything. "She doesnt mean it, Kurt. She knows deep down how much I love her and how much she loves me. Besides, shes always been more on the dramatic side. How does this surprise you? Im just going to let her cool off for a bit - like Ive always done." A part of me says that the same wouldnt work this time because Rachel has never been in the same commitment circumstance but my brother seems to trust his own instincts and Im glad because mine has been called into question. "You look like you could have something taken out of your mind too," my brother tells me. I hate how he and my father both possess similar traits, they can both usually tell when something is bothering me. I think thats one of the cons (or perks, I havent decided yet) of living together - you start to know each others patterns.

"I dont know what Im most stressed about anymore," I tell him. I dont want to tell Finn about my problems at work because in true Finn fashion, he would run straight to my father and unleash a tidal wave of motivational lectures. I am battling with conflicting thoughts on which problem is the biggest, and theyve all formed a giant tumor in my brain. "Do you think I was unfair - to Blaine?" I ask. He tells me the ball hit was a pretty cheap shot and I roll my eyes and wonder if Im ever going to live that one done. "Im talking about our past. Do you think I overreacted? Leaving him for one mistake?"

"I think you did what was best for you," he tells me. I frown at him, determining whether that was an insult or a very vague response. "It might not have been what was best for the situation at hand, but it was what you needed and theres nothing wrong with that." I know he is tiptoeing over his own words, making sure the secrets I know he has is definitely intact. "Then how come I feel like you didnt agree with me leaving?" I say. This conversation is repetitive. He still refuses to tell me anything new, but frankly that is best for my situation. If I wanted to open this Pandora box, I have to open it with the person Ive kept in there. "Look, Kurt, if you look at it holistically then yeah, you were unfair. But in a more atomistic view point, no. If the situation only focused on your heart, you werent selfish. But in the big picture, there were two of you. Im not saying Blaine deserved your decency after what he did, I just thought you would have wanted to know why he cheated in the first place."

"So I was being unfair then," I state because the fog has lifted and I see it with clarity now. I did exactly what I told Rachel not to do - I left someone I had a history with on the grounds of one mistake. The severity might have been different, but it was a mistake nonetheless. But people act impulsively to broken hearts. You cant control the things you do, or say. Its like you are worthless and the happily ever after picture you painted for yourself is forcibly taken out of your hands. Its the most devastating feeling to have. Im glad Finn doesnt feign some sugar coated words because I need to feel my mistake all around me. I get to my feet and dust off the sand clinging on to my flesh. Finn watches me with concern but I assure him Im fine even though my insides are burning. "Keep a watchful eye on your fiance, okay?"

I feel like my whole life since I left Blaine has been the longest running play on a Broadway stage. The whole time Ive been playing the victim card, telling myself that what I did was what anyone would have done, but I forgot that Blaine and I werent just anyone. We were together, we were in love. I never fought for us, how could I have willingly chose to be the victim in a fallout I contributed to? I made peace with a closure I believed was right - that Blaine didnt deserve me. Now Im questioning whether I really loved him or not. I was just as inexperienced as Rachel is. Maybe I dont know what love even means.

Ive been told it is when your whole soul feels like its no longer yours. It is when the person you love is your first thought when you wake up, and the last when you go to sleep. I felt that way for Blaine, but I was also told that it is when you would go to the ends of the Earth to keep that person with you. Have I been lying to myself? It feels that way.

I break through the masses and walk out of the beach party. My thoughts have already crowded my head, I dont need horrible music and obnoxious laughter suffocating me any further. There is a water breaker not too far from the party. I can still feel the beat of the music vibrating my insides, but at this distance, it sounds more like the New York bustle from my apartment. Bearable at least. I climb the rocks and sit on the small allowance space, watching the sea crash onto the stone, sending little particles of its body climbing higher to me. A small part of me wishes it would morph into Neptunes hand or something and drag me into the sea where I get a fresh start as a completely different creature. Hopefully one less complex as human beings.

I thought it was that easy to escape your past. Like running for shelter in an angry rain shower. You get to some form of sanctuary, sure, but its still pouring all around you and sooner or later youre going to have to brave through it to get home. I never realized that your past is within you. You can block out any and all thoughts about it, but its still there, living in the corners and shadows of your mind. Ive tried to ignore mine for long enough, Ive been in this shelter for long enough.

Then somewhere drowned in the sounds of waves crashing, I hear a muffled, incoherent noise. The waves have eroded the water breaker and as a result, it is disproportionate and rocks that make up caves and sinkholes, and for a brief second, I laugh thinking of Sarah, then my fears spark me to action and I follow the muffled groans to where there is a small cave created by the long course of strong waves. Then I wish the waves would erode me too because what I see is not a man washed up at sea, or a creature but it is Blaine with his board shorts around his ankles and his hips bucking into a blond skinny twink whose face is pressed against the rocky walls of the cave.

Their groans amplifies in my years, and it is as I am taken 6 years back into time. The mere trigger of the dark memory suffocates me. I jump to my feet, but lose my balance in the narrow ground and, before I can find my equilibrium, I slip down the wet rocks, before the water swallows me up and really suffocate me.