April 27, 2015, 7 p.m.
Come What May: Week 6 - Coming Out
T - Words: 3,555 - Last Updated: Apr 27, 2015 Story: Complete - Chapters: 40/? - Created: Nov 02, 2014 - Updated: Nov 02, 2014 212 0 0 0 0
You didnt think I was going to make it that easy for Blaine, did you? If so, youre very wrong. This has been one of my favorite chapters to write so far, but I have so much more coming for you! Ill get the next chapter up as soon as possible. Until then, please continue to review. I would appreciate it so much! :)
Sunlight streamed in through the window, and Blaine had to squint against it. He rolled on to his side and wrapped his arms around Rachels body. She moaned next to him and he smiled slightly. "Are you awake?" he whispered.
"Unfortunately," she mumbled, burying her face in his shoulder..
"Im going to get in the shower. I want to make sure I stop by to see Kurt today," he told her. He wasnt thrilled about the idea, especially after what Kurt had told him Friday night. Blaine didnt want to have the discussion Kurt claimed they needed, but he knew he couldnt avoid Kurt anymore. He made it too obvious by skipping the coffee shop for days at a time. He had already missed Monday this week, and he couldnt miss anymore.
She sat up quickly and said, "actually, can I get in their first."
"Why?"
"I just remembered that I have a meeting at the theater first thing this morning. Ill be late if I dont get in there now." Rachel got up and made her way into the bathroom.
"Yeah, Id hate to make you late for your meeting," Blaine called after her.
He waited a moment, and she poked her head back out of the bathroom door and said, "you could always join me if you wanted to."
This was exactly why he did need to talk to Kurt. The thought of joining Rachel in the shower should have been more appealing, but it never was. He always knew that it should have felt like more, but the thought had been on his mind constantly since Friday night, and it was driving him crazy. If Kurt had already guessed why, then maybe it was time Blaine told him what he had been afraid to admit for a long time.
"Rachel, quit playing around or you will be late," he told her. She stuck her tongue out at him and disappeared again. Blaine pulled out his phone and dialed Kurts phone number.
"Hello?" Kurts voice came through the phone.
"Hey, its me. I cant make it this morning, but could we meet up after work. I think youre right... We do need to talk," he said quietly.
"Central Park this time? What are you showing me today?" Kurt nudged him with his elbow hours later, as they made their way through the park.
"I wanted that safe haven against the rest of the world feeling, when we had this discussion," Blaine said. His hands were nervously twitching, and Blaine finally stuck them in his pickets so Kurt wouldnt notice.
"Whats wrong, Blaine?" Kurt gave him a worried expression.
"You werent lying when you said I had been hiding something," Blaine said quietly.
"Are you - "
"When did you start dating Dylan?" Blaine asked. He decided to just get this over with, before he changed his mind. He couldnt come out and just say it, but if he worked his way into it.
"Two years ago. I was at this store called Between The Sheets... It was a music store, and he came over to me and asked my opinion on something... We connected right away, and weve been together ever since," Kurt chimed, a smile on his lips.
"Did you ever have a boyfriend before that?"
Kurt shook his head, "No. I hadnt even been kissed before that, at least not one that counted. This guy at my school bullied me, and he kissed me once, but it was kept secret. He threatened to kill me, and he eventually left the school. I saw him later down the road and he seemed to be doing all right for himself. But kissing him was the only contact I had with a boy."
"Did you always know you were...?" Blaine hesitated.
"Gay?" Kurt chuckled. "Yeah, I did. I didnt tell anyone until my sophomore year of high school. it was a hard transition, and its why I was bullied, but I got through it. In high school, everything seems harder. The pressure from kids in school makes it harder."
"What was it like coming out to your parents?" Blaine asked, as they continued walking down one of the roads through the park. He kept his gaze on the pathway in front of him, a little afraid to know what Kurts reaction to all of this was.
"Well, my mom died when I was a kid, so I never told her," Kurt said quietly. "But my dad took some adjusting to get used to it. He knew. When I came out to him, he wasnt surprised at all. But now that i had been labeled as his gay son, it was harder for him to get used to the idea. The bullying was hard on him. We struggled to find the perfect relationship, but he tried so hard, and he was there for me. That was more important to me."
"You were lucky then," Blaine mumbled.
"Yeah, I guess I was. I know some people have a hard time accepting that their child is gay, but my dad reminded me that he loved me all the time," Kurt said.
"How did you know that you were? Was there ever a moment where it hit you and you told yourself, ‘oh, i think im gay. Did you just always know?" Blaine asked.
At this, Kurt stopped in his tracks and grabbed Blaines arm. "does this have anything to do with what I told you Friday?" he asked. "Is this about the kiss we shared? If it is, you dont have to do this, if youre not ready."
Running a hand through his curls, Blaine let out a long sigh, "You have no idea what its been like."
"What?" Kurt asked.
Spotting a bench nearby, Blaine led Kurt to it and sat down. He glanced down at his hands and took another deep breath. "When I was about thirteen, I got really nervous around this boy went to school with. His name was Tony Williams. At first, I thought it was because he was the coolest kid in our class and I was intimidated by him. But the more I thought about him, the more I realized that I just thought he was really cute."I didnt act on it, because I didnt care about dating anyone, when all the other kids in my class just wanted a girlfriend."
He paused and Kurt urged him, "Go on."
Another deep breath, Blaine looked up at Kurt and said, "When high school came around, the issue of whether or not someone was gay was a big topic. I didnt really understand it, and the idea scared me anyway. I had heard my dad talk about how wrong it was and he couldnt believe parents let their children run around with such foolish thoughts in their head... And then my junior year, prom came around. I was at Dalton, which is an all boy school There was this guy that I liked in the warblers, but I couldnt show up to prom with him. Id be humiliated and my dad would kill me."
"What did you do?" Kurts body tensed next to him.
Looking into Kurts eyes, Blaine told him, "I asked Melissa Roberts. She was a girl from my neighborhood. We basically grew up together, and i didnt have anyone else... My parents were so happy that I finally had a girlfriend that I just stayed with her for the rest of my high school career. She was a decent girl and it wasnt like I didnt enjoy her company"
"So what happened?"
"Well, I moved o New York, and I broke up with her, because long distance relationships dont work anyway. She was upset, but to me it was just like moving away from a friend," he shook his head. "I met Rachel sometime after that, and we connected."
"Connected," Kurt whispered.
"I mean, she was really nice, and she seemed so level-headed. She was in a rough state of mind, considering her boyfriend had recently passed away, and I was there for her. We were just friends. It was innocent," he shrugged, glancing down at his hands again.
"That boyfriend was my step-brother," Kurt said quietly.
"Im so sorry, Kurt," Blaine placed a hand on his knee.
"Its okay. Please continue," Kurt gave him a weak smile.
"Well, one night, she was really upset over him. She came to me in hysterics about how she missed Finn so much, and she just didnt know what to do anymore... And that was the first time she kissed me. I think she was just lonely, and i didnt know how else to comfort her," he nervously an his hand through his hair again. "Its not that I didnt like it. I mean, shes a good kisser and we were really close."
"Okay," Kurt nodded. He wasnt pushing. He was just listening, and Blaine was so grateful for that.
"And then, it was like we were dating. We were together all the time, and kissing became a normal thing. My parents were really happy that I had found a new girlfriend, and Rachel introduced me to her dads," Blaine took a shuddering breath. He watched a group of girls walk by their bench, giggling. As he watched them walk away, he quietly said, "But the first time we... did it, i wasnt sure it was what I wanted. I couldnt tell her that. I really cared about her, and it seemed like my life was falling into place. I was in a great school with such a nice girl. It was everything my parents wanted for me."
"And youve been with her since," Kurt concluded.
"Yeah. ive been comfortable with her, you know? What else could i do?" Blaine looked at Kurt with tears in his eyes. "I know I lied to you and told you I wasnt gay but Ive never admitted it to anyone... I never really considered it as an option for me."
"Until now?" Kurt raised an eyebrow.
"I wouldnt have admitted it at all, but this stupid kiss keeps cropping up, and I cant seem to avoid it," Blaine buried his face in his hands. "I dont know what to do anymore."
"Stupid," Kurt said. He shifted uncomfortably next to him.
"No, no, that wasnt right," Blaine looked up at him and grabbed his hand. "You are the first guy I have ever kissed... Seeing you in the coffee shop that first week, something drew me in, and I wanted to know so much more about you. When you confronted me, I took it as an opportunity. I didnt think wed get this close... And when we kissed, it was like... fireworks. I had never enjoyed a kiss that much, not with Melissa, not with Rachel."
"Oh stop," Kurts cheeks turned red.
Turning on the bench to face him better, Blaine took both of Kurts hands in his and said, "Ever since that kiss, I havent been able to get you off my mind, and that scares me. I have had my future set and planned for so long... I just dont know what this will do for me. I really like you, Kurt, and that wasnt in my plan."
"Why does there have to be a plan? Life isnt about planning. Its full of surprises, its messy, and it never goes according to plan. If youre not happy Blaine, you should do something about it," Kurt squeezed his hand gently.
"I am happy," Blaine said quietly. "I mean, I thought I was." He shook his head. "I dont know. I was so comfortable with Rachel that it didnt honestly bother me. Youre the problem. You came in to the picture and now I dont know what Im doing. I love Rachel, I do. I dont want to hurt her, but arent I hurting her by not being honest with her?"
"Its going to hurt her if she ever finds out the truth," Kurt slid closer to him. "Blaine, you have to do whats best for you. I know you dont want to hurt her. No one ever wants to hurt someone they love. But its not fair to Rachel to lie to her, and yes, that is going to hurt her later down the road. its going to hurt you as well, and youll both just end up broken-hearted and it might be too late by then."
"I was brought up with the idea that its wrong. How am I supposed to disappoint everyone I love?" Blaine choked out, as more tears formed in his eyes. "My dad would kill me if he knew."
Kurt placed his hand on Blaines cheek and wiped away a tear with his thumb. "Blaine, hey, listen to me," His voice was soft and soothing. His eyes were full of compassion. "No matter what you decide to do, Ill be right here by your side. Its not going to be easy. If you stay with Rachel, youre going to struggle. If you choose to come out and change your future, its going to be very difficult, but I am going to get you through whatever life throws at you."
A sob escaped Blaines throat and he lowered his head. Kurt pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms around him. Blaine placed his arms around Kurts waist and buried his head in his shoulder. Kurt began rubbing circles on his back, and Blaine gave in to his comforting action. He cried into Kurts shoulder, until his tears ran dry.
When he finally pulled away from him, Kurt wiped Blaines cheek with the sleeve of his sweater and said, "I know it doesnt seem possible right now, but youre going to be okay, Blaine. I promise. "
Blaine spent the next two days lost in thought. He didnt know what to do. On one hand, Kurt was with Dylan. Kurt had told Blaine countless times that he loved Dylan, and Blaine wasnt going to get in the way of that. Not to mention, he really did care about Rachel. She had been so busy all week, making runs to the theater and busying herself around the apartment. He was so happy for her. He didnt want to ruin this for her, not in the prime of living her biggest dream.
But Kurt was right. He couldnt live in his own unhappiness anymore. It hadnt bothered him before he met Kurt. However, now that he had Kurt, he couldnt help but notice how real his situation with Rachel was. If they spent their lives lost in a lie, theyd end up resenting each other later, and Blaine cared too much about Rachel to resent her.
What was he supposed to do?
"Hey," Rachel came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "What are you making for dinner?"
"Spaghetti," he pulled her closer and gave her a kiss.
"it smells good," she sniffed.
"Where were you?" he asked.
"Oh, um, I was out at the theater. I had a costume fitting this afternoon. One of the designers was running late. I thought I was going to be home an hour ago. Im sorry, sweetie," she pouted.
"Dont worry about it," he said, stirring his sauce. He felt really anxious, thinking about what he was going to do.
"Are you okay?" she asked. "Youve been a little quiet this week."
"Yeah, Im fine, he said. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you." He grabbed her hand and led her over to the table.
"That doesnt sound good, she squirmed in her seat.
Reaching out across the table, Blaine took her hand. He stared into those brown eyes. The same brown eyes that had been there for him the last three years. The same brown eyes he had planned to spend the rest of his life with...
Panic filled Blaines mind. He couldnt do this. He couldnt come out to Rachel. He couldnt even admit to cheating on her, guy or girl. It would break her heart. It would change so much. He wasnt prepared for this. He needed more time.
"What is it?" Rachel urged him.
He gulped. Blaine felt his heart drop to his stomach. There was no way he could do this.
Instead, he gave her a smile, squeezed her hand and said, "Im really proud of your accomplishments in the last year... Graduating from NYADA, getting the role of Fanny, and youre really becoming the star I always knew youd be. I made you dinner last week, but I think we need to celebrate, really celebrate."
"What did you have in mind?" she raised an eyebrow at him.
"I want to take you to Lima to give the news to your dads. Well go spend the weekend there, and you can tell everyone. All your friends from McKinley and we can have a big celebration," he said, forcing a smile.
Her intense expression broke and she smiled at him, "you are truly the best boyfriend ever. Thank you," she came over and planted herself on his lap. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she whispered in his ear, "I dont know what Id do without you, Blaine Anderson."
"Why do people say ‘you look blue when someone is sad? Because you dont look blue, but you do look sad," Savannah told Blaine the next morning, while they colored a picture together.
"I dont know. Its a silly expression, isnt it?" Blaine asked.
"Yes," she set her crayon down and observed the piece of paper in front of her. "Here, I want you to have this," she slid the paper over to him. "Its Cinderella, and you could learn a lot from her."
"Why is that?" he chuckled.
"Because she was sad too, until she met Prince Charming. After that, she lived happily ever after," Savannah informed him. "If Cinderella can be happy, then you dont have to be sad forever either."
"Thank you. Ill hang this up on my fridge when I get home," he gave her a hug. Glancing at his watch, he said, "I gotta go, but Ill see you next week, okay?"
"Okay. Bye Blainey„" she kissed his cheek and wandered off, leaving him alone.
"Sort of fitting, isnt it?" Kurt stood in the doorway, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Cinderella?" Blaine tucked the piece of paper in his pocket, reminding himself to put it on his fridge later. He joined Kurt in the hallway and asked, "what are you doing here anyway?"
"I hadnt heard from you in a couple days and got worried. I knew Id find you here," he nudged Blaine with his elbow."Was this a lesson about Prince Charming this week?"
"Weird, I know," Blaine glanced at Kurt out of the corner of his eye. "Its like she knew I was in pain. Ive been struggling all week with the idea that I could be happy if I found the right guy, my Prince Charming."
"Howd it go with Rachel?" Kurt asked, turning serious.
"Instead of breaking up with her, I bought train tickets to take her to Lima next week," he shook his head. "I got scared, Kurt. I couldnt do it. This is a big deal for me, you know? Once I..." he hesitated. "Once I come out theres no going back in, and Im not prepared to deal with the consequences of that. Its not - "
"In the plan, i know," Kurt rolled his eyes. He stopped in his tracks and grabbed Blaines arm. "Do you want to be happy, Blaine? Do you want to live your life in fear? Or do you want to find Prince charming?"
"I dont know... Cinderella wasnt a bad person," Blaine shrugged. "I mean, Ive been with Cinderella this long. Is it really so wrong to settle for that, when Ive been okay?"
Pushing Blaine against the wall, Kurt held on tightly to his shoulders. He stared at Blaine with a determined look on his face, before he leaned in and kissed him forcefully. It wasnt like the kisses they shared in the apartment. This kiss was passionate and deep. Kurt put all his energy into that kiss until Blaine felt dizzy.
When they broke apart, Blaine stared at him, breathing heavily.
Deep, blue eyes poured into him and Kurts soft voice said, "Do you want to spend your whole life kissing with fireworks or kissing with sparklers? Because, damn it, Blaine, you could have fireworks if you wanted to."
"Cinderella only uses sparkles?" Blaine croaked.
"Every time," Kurt breathed. "Prince Charming has the fireworks locked in a closet."
"In the closet," Blaine confirmed. A place he knew all too well.
"Thats where he stores it, but you have to come out to see the show," Kurt winked.
"I have to tell her, dont I?" Blaine buried his face in his hands.
Pulling Blaines hands away from his face, Kurt informed him, "start out slow. If you arent ready to just break up with her, tell her about the kiss... Better yet, tell her I came on to you."
"That will get you in trouble," Blaine shook his head.
"Dylan wont know. Ill only be in trouble with Rachel, and I can handle that," Kurt said. "But, if you want fireworks, if you want Prince Charming and happiness, you have to tell her something."
"Okay," Blaine whispered.
"I can come with you if you want"
"No," Blaine said firmly. "I have to do do this alone."
"Its not going to be easy, but Ill be here for you, when you need to talk," Kurt gave him a small smile.
"Thank you, Kurt. Ill... call you when I do," he said, before leaving.
Kurt was messing with his head and, until he did tell Rachel the truth, it was better to avoid any more situations like that one. He was right, it wasnt going to be easy, but it had to be done.
Blaine couldnt hide in the closet forever.